[autumn-spirit]

One of the things I struggle most with is what other people think about me and my situation. I get really scared that people don't think I've been through enough to constitute as abuse or that my feelings aren't justified because compared to other survivors, my situation is pretty mild. I absolutely hate when someone says "that's not bad enough" because if it wasn't bad enough, then I wouldn't have these paranoid feelings of fear and low self esteem to the degree that I do. My therapist says I should stop worrying about what others think because every case is unique and nobody has the right to judge and though I know she's right, worrying about what people think has always been a second nature for me. I wish I could just turn off a switch to make me stop caring. And I got upset a few days ago when I was chatting with someone on here and they were being judgmental about "unhappy" people. But I know that people are always going to be judgmental no matter where they are so I'm trying hard not to let this get to me because I don't want to leave this site so soon.

[Cnytroxy1973]

.... I know the feeling....

Hello, autumn-spirit. Allowing your self-concept to be determined by others is so unfortunate. Perhaps your therapist could help you with finding the "off" switch you refer to? Learning to define yourself rather than externalizing who you are is so important.

Good luck.

[Fuzzybear]

[kaliope]

autumn
its a fact that people are born with different temperments. some are just naturally more resilient than others. so what constitutes abuse to some may be meaningless to others but this in no way minimizes the feelings that one experiences. we are all individuals and handle our pain in different ways. unfortunately when you come to a site like this, you are dealing with a bunch of people who are experiencing mental health issues. you are going to encounter people who arent exactly sensitive to the needs of others. remember, they have their problems too and some arent necessarily the type of people you want to be getting advice from, so you have to take what they say with a grain of salt. if you truly feel like you are being judged, then you can choose to remain vauge about your abuse. talk about being abused and what this abuse has done to you but leave out the nature of the abuse. this may limit you some, but at least you will feel safe from criticism.

[autumn-spirit]

Originally Posted by kaliope

autumn
its a fact that people are born with different temperments. some are just naturally more resilient than others. so what constitutes abuse to some may be meaningless to others but this in no way minimizes the feelings that one experiences. we are all individuals and handle our pain in different ways. unfortunately when you come to a site like this, you are dealing with a bunch of people who are experiencing mental health issues. you are going to encounter people who arent exactly sensitive to the needs of others. remember, they have their problems too and some arent necessarily the type of people you want to be getting advice from, so you have to take what they say with a grain of salt. if you truly feel like you are being judged, then you can choose to remain vauge about your abuse. talk about being abused and what this abuse has done to you but leave out the nature of the abuse. this may limit you some, but at least you will feel safe from criticism.

I agree with you.. And I know better than to actually describe what I went through here because of disrespectful people like that. What I'm referring to are conversations in the past. Thank you for understanding

[autumn-spirit]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

thank you

[autumn-spirit]

Originally Posted by Cnytroxy1973

.... I know the feeling....

thanks

[Rose76]

I've known of a person making up dramatic stories of severe physical abuse that didn't happen. What did happen was not so dramatic, nor illegal, but was sufficiently scary and humiliating to cause serious emotional trauma. (I know because I was there.) This person wants to communicate having been damaged as a child. All I can figure out is that this person thinks that no one would consider what happened to be all that bad. You kind of had to be there. So these shocking stories get made up. I've tried to offer validation, but then the stories just get more fantastical.

If the story of abuse you, or anyone else, suffered doesn't sound like the screenplay for a shocking made-for-TV movie, then there is the chance that your experience will be underrated in terms of how it impacted you. I have found that professionals in the mental health field are less likely than the general public to do this. (That's not always true, either.) Truly, somethings can not be appreciated without being witnessed first hand.

Also, some people are just born more resilient to being badly treated than others. Or maybe enough good things happened to offset the abuse. My main point is that there is no valid way to make comparisons. People shouldn't judge, and I think wise people know that. I guess one has to be careful about whom you can reveal details to. Sometimes, it's better to just be vague and not give those who are judgmental material for them to pick apart. It is hurtful when your own words are used against you.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

I relate, autumn.

I am improving with that worry that you mention, but I still feel bad when people seem to judge me at my very core. I wrestle continually with the idea that I am "defective", "less than" or "crazy" or other words.

I am learning to give myself that approval that I have craved in others. It's very very new and still, often feels unnatural.

But when I depend on others all the time for my "worth", I always lose out because I have no control over what they think.

And about your abuse issue: Abuse is abuse is abuse. I too don't like it at all when people treat abuse like something to be "rated"! For so many years I too could not validate my abuse experience because it was very subtle. My aunt did not do too many things, like outwardly physically abuse me, but she did verbally abuse me a LOT. And her other abuses were very subtle, as well.

At a glance, our family was ideal and "perfect". "What more could you want, Billi?"

But it was bad.

Things were bad.

I was constantly upset, depressed, anxious, to the point where I could virtually not function...

Had to come from somewhere; not just out of the blue!

ty for sharing.

Billi

[autumn-spirit]

Originally Posted by billi_leli

I relate, autumn.

I am improving with that worry that you mention, but I still feel bad when people seem to judge me at my very core. I wrestle continually with the idea that I am "defective", "less than" or "crazy" or other words.

I am learning to give myself that approval that I have craved in others. It's very very new and still, often feels unnatural.

But when I depend on others all the time for my "worth", I always lose out because I have no control over what they think.

And about your abuse issue: Abuse is abuse is abuse. I too don't like it at all when people treat abuse like something to be "rated"! For so many years I too could not validate my abuse experience because it was very subtle. My aunt did not do too many things, like outwardly physically abuse me, but she did verbally abuse me a LOT. And her other abuses were very subtle, as well.

At a glance, our family was ideal and "perfect". "What more could you want, Billi?"

But it was bad.

Things were bad.

I was constantly upset, depressed, anxious, to the point where I could virtually not function...

Had to come from somewhere; not just out of the blue!

ty for sharing.

Billi

you're right..these emotions have to have come from somewhere, not out of the blue. Thanks for commenting

[danii24]

i always worry about people saying thats not enough to be mad at. but if it effecxts you after ir then it is enough. i hear people saying stuff about abuse all the time that i know they werent abused so what does there opinion matter because there the usual no it alls that comment on eveything but when summit happens to them they will take all resources available for help because there hurt. I know people that use a scale to judge things all the time. I often dont say anything because i would be afraid of exposing myself and they cop that summit had happened to me so i ususally walk away or dont listen when they start. Any abuse is bad and shudnt happen but unfortuantly there are some idiots out there that just dont no what it feels like so they say on the scale of things it aint bad doesnt mean it ant really bad to the person who suffered it

[Perna]

I helped myself by reminding myself that what I think others think is not the same as what they actually think; I can't know what another thinks unless I ask them. And, if it's another person I don't know or who does not know me, it gets a shrug because their opinion isn't that important; yes it might feel bad in the short run but if I don't see them often or expect to ever again (think people in traffic who don't like your driving) I can get over that bit of feeling bad so it doesn't "stick". However, if it's a family member or friend with an opinion about me, I have to remember that I'm the expert on me, not them, they can't be inside me or know what I've experienced. Too, that's why I'm in therapy in the first place, to work on those problems. Whether or not you "should" feel a certain way or whether other people's idea of what is a bad enough experience to make you feel how you feel, you DO feel how you feel and don't want to feel like that so are in therapy to get yourself help; if others don't want you to feel good about yourself, that would make me angry, not afraid? If a person is not "for" you feeling better, why consider their opinions; they're not on your "side".

[lunarpariah]

I get where you are coming from. Since early high school years I have been extremely sensitive about what people think of me or doing anything that may call attention to myself. There are ways of dealing with this according to my T. Our next session is going to be dealing with that. I have a SSI appointment next week where I have to be in a room with complete strangers. I am dreading that like crazy. My T wants me to write down my thoughts and feelings while I'm there so we can address then in session.

I hope it works. I'll let you know.

[autumn-spirit]

Originally Posted by lunarpariah

I get where you are coming from. Since early high school years I have been extremely sensitive about what people think of me or doing anything that may call attention to myself. There are ways of dealing with this according to my T. Our next session is going to be dealing with that. I have a SSI appointment next week where I have to be in a room with complete strangers. I am dreading that like crazy. My T wants me to write down my thoughts and feelings while I'm there so we can address then in session.

I hope it works. I'll let you know.

sounds like a good exercise. thanks for commenting I hope it works out for you.

[autumn-spirit]

Originally Posted by danii24

i always worry about people saying thats not enough to be mad at. but if it effecxts you after ir then it is enough. i hear people saying stuff about abuse all the time that i know they werent abused so what does there opinion matter because there the usual no it alls that comment on eveything but when summit happens to them they will take all resources available for help because there hurt. I know people that use a scale to judge things all the time. I often dont say anything because i would be afraid of exposing myself and they cop that summit had happened to me so i ususally walk away or dont listen when they start. Any abuse is bad and shudnt happen but unfortuantly there are some idiots out there that just dont no what it feels like so they say on the scale of things it aint bad doesnt mean it ant really bad to the person who suffered it

thanks, Danii24. I'll try to remember that.

[shezbut]

I can relate to your initial post, autumn-spirit.

We all have different experiences. Some events may be similar, but that's really not what is important. What is important is how you took the experience emotionally.

For instance, whenever I've complained about my childhood to my parents, they've said that I'm wrong. I have had happy times ~ even though I can't recall most of them. But, in their opinion, I focus on the negative. Okay.. The fact is that my childhood felt chaotic to me. I picked up on the tension between my mom and older sister (who isn't biologically related to my mom) ever since I was a very little girl. My older brother (my mom's son, not biologically related to my father) picked up on that too very early and used that to his advantage.

They fought violent fights everytime that my sister was around. I was in a panic, seriously! I tried everything that I could think of to get my family to calm down & be friendlier with one another. That was my mission in life. I failed at my lifelong mission ~ and I have blamed myself for years. I simply couldn't understand why. Why couldn't I get my mom to be more accepting of my sister? Why couldn't I get my brother and sister to see how intense and violently they were fighting? What did I do wrong??

My perceptions may have been inaccurate. Of course my opinion didn't matter to them ~ why should it? But at that time in my life, I didn't think like that. So I struggle with self-blame and self-hate. Those emotions are there regardless of their validity.

Make sense? I hope so!

[autumn-spirit]

Originally Posted by shezbut

I can relate to your initial post, autumn-spirit.

We all have different experiences. Some events may be similar, but that's really not what is important. What is important is how you took the experience emotionally.

For instance, whenever I've complained about my childhood to my parents, they've said that I'm wrong. I have had happy times ~ even though I can't recall most of them. But, in their opinion, I focus on the negative. Okay.. The fact is that my childhood felt chaotic to me. I picked up on the tension between my mom and older sister (who isn't biologically related to my mom) ever since I was a very little girl. My older brother (my mom's son, not biologically related to my father) picked up on that too very early and used that to his advantage.

They fought violent fights everytime that my sister was around. I was in a panic, seriously! I tried everything that I could think of to get my family to calm down & be friendlier with one another. That was my mission in life. I failed at my lifelong mission ~ and I have blamed myself for years. I simply couldn't understand why. Why couldn't I get my mom to be more accepting of my sister? Why couldn't I get my brother and sister to see how intense and violently they were fighting? What did I do wrong??

My perceptions may have been inaccurate. Of course my opinion didn't matter to them ~ why should it? But at that time in my life, I didn't think like that. So I struggle with self-blame and self-hate. Those emotions are there regardless of their validity.

Make sense? I hope so!

yes, it makes sense. thanks