[LovesShelly]

I'm sorry if this doesn't make to much sense, it's a little hard for me to discribe.

It's like there are two parts to me. Inside and outside. Inside I'm hurting, crying, confused, ect.
There are two outside (or how I act around people) parts. I'm either happy, I smile all the time, I laugh, ect. Or I'm mad, irritable, angery, I make fun of people, I get into so many fights with people, I'm distant from people (even my closest friends), ect.

It's so confusing! It's not that I make myself act happy or anything. Yet I never act like I feel. I can feel so hurt on the inside and just want to cry, but I can't act that way on the outside! I don't know why and it make me so mad.

I feel like I'm dying inside, but no one knows that. Why? Because I can't act that way!

The thing is. When I act happy, I almost feel like I can hide from the pain I feel. When I act happy, I push the sadness and pain away. Then, when I don't have to act anymore (because I'm not around people anymore), the pain and sadness come back so much worse.

That's why I want to know what this is!! What is it that I'm doing? How can I stop doing this?

I want to be able to act the way I really feel. I just don't know how to do it.
I'm wondering if I just make up the 'bad' feelings inside to get attention, and really I am just happy. I just don't know.

How do I stop acting happy when I really don't feel that way?

[shezbut]

(((LovesShelly)))

I'm not sure why ~ or how to stop acting one way, when feeling another way. I often find myself doing the same thing. Other than big smiles and laughter.

For me, my reason is self-hate and self-shame. People who publicly know me would never guess that I struggle so deeply with these emotions. They just think that I'm shy (and that's there too).

My T is working on getting me to agree with his view: I'm not evil. I do some good things, so I can't be all bad.

Just my experience...

[LovesShelly]

Thank you shezbut,

I'm sorry to hear that you have the same problem.

I don't know why I do this. I wish I did.

My friends think of me as a shy, happy girl that likes to be alone. I just wish they knew how I really felt. I just don't know how to stop acting happy and act how I really feel

I don't think you're evil

[LovesShelly]

Thank you, Rhiannonsmoon, for the hug.

[sunflower321]

Hi LovesShelly,

For what it's worth, I think that learning how to authentically express our inner experience (when/where we want to) is a life-long effort.

On the other hand, I think it's good to distract ourselves from the pain sometimes. Just because the pain finds us again later, we may still count the distraction as a happy moment.

We get to be complicated...that's authentic.

Originally Posted by LovesShelly

I'm sorry if this doesn't make to much sense, it's a little hard for me to discribe.

It's like there are two parts to me. Inside and outside. Inside I'm hurting, crying, confused, ect.
There are two outside (or how I act around people) parts. I'm either happy, I smile all the time, I laugh, ect. Or I'm mad, irritable, angery, I make fun of people, I get into so many fights with people, I'm distant from people (even my closest friends), ect.

It's so confusing! It's not that I make myself act happy or anything. Yet I never act like I feel. I can feel so hurt on the inside and just want to cry, but I can't act that way on the outside! I don't know why and it make me so mad.

I feel like I'm dying inside, but no one knows that. Why? Because I can't act that way!

The thing is. When I act happy, I almost feel like I can hide from the pain I feel. When I act happy, I push the sadness and pain away. Then, when I don't have to act anymore (because I'm not around people anymore), the pain and sadness come back so much worse.

That's why I want to know what this is!! What is it that I'm doing? How can I stop doing this?

I want to be able to act the way I really feel. I just don't know how to do it.
I'm wondering if I just make up the 'bad' feelings inside to get attention, and really I am just happy. I just don't know.

How do I stop acting happy when I really don't feel that way?

I feel like that as well & I was starting to think the same thing. My T even thinks I'm contradicting...it's very confusing. Have you been diagnosed with any mental disorders? I wanna say Bipolar...well at least for me. I was diagnosed with that at 18 but refused to believe it & just took on the label of Depression because that's how I always felt. Now I can see how I may be Bipolar, but I don't really know 8\

Do you have a T or pdoc that can help you figure this out? If so, I would definitely consult with he/she. Take Care

[LovesShelly]

Thank you SoFragile88,

No, I haven't been diagnosed with anything. I don't have a T.

[LovesShelly]

Thank you sunflower321,

I guess it might be a lif-long effort, I just hoped it wouldn't be.

[Fuzzybear]

[shimchamois]

Hi LovesShelly, I know exactly what you are saying and I've felt the same way - around people I suppose I'm happy and getting along just fine though alone I'm tormented and erratic... I do know that even around people in these seemingly jovial moods I'm not truly content or able to just "be", however.
These two people seem so dischordant on the outside - it's hard not to feel like a fraud that should be able to pick herself up and be the jovial person I am in public all the time.
Thanks for your post, it helps to know that someone else experiences that feeling of almost being "okay" in social situations too. It's like a decoy "okay" though...

[RonPSH]

LoveShelly,

There's nothing wrong with you that clarity can't fix.

You stated EVERYONE'S problem exceptionally well. You see the confusion, you see the love inside you but you don't see how to leave the confusion and just enjoy being you?

That is the problem of 7 billion people on the planet. What makes you different is that you're trying to solve this puzzle and not escape from it.

Society did its number on your mind. Since you were a baby, you've been told zillions of times that you're something that you're not. That repetition became habitual thinking in your unconscious mind that run so deep that you can't see it. You can sense something is at play but can't put your finger on it.

I'm so sincere when I praise your assessment. I was exactly there, in my version of your situation until 2.5 years ago. I kept saying to myself that something key is missing in my understanding of life. Like a huge puzzle piece is missing and without it I can't solve the puzzle. I could feel the gap in my understanding but not see the cause.

I found the cause when I stumbled onto a guy named Osho. He spoke to people for 35 years and published 600 books of his talks on exactly this. I got my life back from living for logic instead of for love. Logic isn't life, and to repeat ideas about life until they become habitual thought is our mental illness...it's the illness of the world and that is not even a slight exaggeration.

No one can be happy without being ones self. These conditionings put the mind against us instead of working for us. My confusion went instantly to clarity the moment I saw the effect of conditionings...I just needed someone to point it out to me and the recognition was immediate and mine...not a belief.

[Callmebj]

Ron hit the nail on the head. You are being mindful now about your feelings and your actions. That's the perfect thing to do to illuminate the real you and rid yourself
of old thought patterns and habits that are incorrect.

[RonPSH]

Originally Posted by Callmebj

Ron hit the nail on the head. You are being mindful now about your feelings and your actions. That's the perfect thing to do to illuminate the real you and rid yourself
of old thought patterns and habits that are incorrect.

And to be able to illuminate the false almost always takes a deep love relating with someone that is already illuminated....master/disciple....and that is nearly non-existent in Western culture.

For me, it happened through my "relating" with Osho in the form of reading massive amounts of his live talks that fill 600 books.

All that in combination with my beliefs about life failing so much that I was deep into a pit of confusion and depression. That is a mind opening experience and I'm forturnate that my open mind was NOT filled with a new belief system but awareness of how we corrupt our minds with those systems. Now I am just me.