What I really think about myself and why

I will say sorry now if I have offended or upset anyone by this.

Sorry if I have disappointed anyone on here who I have already spoken to but this is the truth behind what I really feel and I don’t want to. There may still be hope that I can change from this.

What I think isn’t right or a respectable way to think as many of you will either be hurt by what I write or completely disagree with me.

By the way I over generalize and don’t fully think about what I say and do sometimes, but I really need to get this out.

I completely hate myself and think I am a disgusting and horrible person who doesn’t deserve to live. I also think I will always be in someone’s way annoying them or upsetting them even if this is just a person I don’t know well and just use to work in same store as. No matter where I am in life I feel wrong for being there and like I will infect people in some way emotionally and that things would have gone better if I was just cut out and not there. This is why I don’t bother in life most of the time because I don’t know how not to be like this and be better at being around people. I couldn’t even cope at my last job I just broke into tears more than once in a day and acted awful towards other people there who always gave me a chance and understood me but I couldn’t be what they wanted me to be and give them something back for all they done for me. This is why I just had to leave there I really upset and hurt some caring people without really realizing or able to change for them and myself.

The feelings I have come from the fact I was hit by a car when I was 13. Honestly I didn’t check back before crossing, I was crossing with lollipop lady and took my eyes of road for a second and assumed oncoming had traffic stop as there was a gap in time well you guess the rest.

I only had a fractured leg and few scratches from this. I still do not really know how lucky I am to be alive. I am also sure I am have destroyed the person who was driving the car life they don’t speak about it or recall it when we both had to give evidence I never seen the person but both of us had to say what happen to police at the time of accident, things never taken any further.

I am now 19 (I live in UK) and have not done anything with my life and I feel so horrible but at the same time I don’t want to have to deal with other people for fear of hurting them in some way and believing I am not a right type of person who is no good to no one.All I want to do is just have a job that pays bills and I can be left alone and let others have their life’s the way they want to but I can’t even do this simple thing and get out of everyone’s way.

It sounds like you still feel guilty about the accident. Have you talked to a therapist about this?

Yes I have but that was in 2009 and even then it was just a case of trying better understand people and how I can better interact with them. And that I have a right to be here and live. But it hasn't worked.

I am Having CBT in 2 weeks time with different T but there not helping and just put this down to social anxiety and I need to make a goal thats achievable as I am out of work. If it was a case I was just in wrong job or needed more learning well then I would just do that. But I can't get over what I feel and how I interact with people by myself at this time in life. Even if I went back to college I would still be same person having better learning or training is not going to change me as a person about how I feel and think and behave at this time around others and towards myself.

(((Mindinpieces)))

You're certainly struggling ~ that much is true. Have you gone to a therapist to talk about things before?

I'd recommend going to a t. Talk about these emotions you're fighting with; how you have a habit of pushing people away (before they see the "real you"); intense self-hate; etc.

It can take awhile to build up self-acceptance, but it can be done. I'm working on building mine as well. So, I can relate to your post. Best wishes to you ~ you deserve it!

So when the accident happened, you didn't really have any therapy, and that was at such a crucial time in your life, omg, 13! Are you a child, are you a teenager, what are you? How do you deal with that responsibility?! and it sounds like in 2009 they didn't realize how unresolved this issue still was for you. But your original post here makes everything pretty clear, I think. Maybe you could print it off and show it to your current therapist? Because really, what chances do we have to express to them how we really feel? I am not that good at speaking my feelings. Then sometimes they will have you fill out a form, why are you here? Who writes on paper anymore??? A patient really has to let the dr know what she needs, ie what the problem is, then they have the best chance of fixing it. You state it very well here. Let the CBT therapist know, and then she can at least tailor your therapy to these issues.

I had to change T as the other one for some reason couldn't work for while. The new T I haven't met before so I will tell her all about this. The other one didn't give me a chance as it was CBT focusing on here and now. AndI have only been for 2 sessions at this time.

Thank you for your reply and I hope you are doing well and
continue to.

thanks - sorry, I know I can be bossy and overwhelming. please feel free to post again to get other responses, i'll leave it alone! best wishes!

Thank you for you reply and comments I will do this and show her and try to be as open as I can before I used to hide some thougths and feeling because I thought I best get over myself and move which hasn't worked.

Sorry I am not best at considering others and showing them the same respect back - need to really work on this as well.

Thank You for your replys and comments they have been really helpful and appreciated. Wish you the best as well

no, you were fine! I wrote that before I saw your answer about holding back with your t. I feel really good about this whole exchange, I hope you do too; you SOUND calmer. I really identified with your story because when I was in grade school a girl a year older than me had the same thing happen to her. She lived just a block away, but it was across a major avenue. We became friends for a while later in life.

I believe your life is precious and you have worth and value. I hope you feel better soon and that you keep sharing your views here.

Thank You for your reply

Mindinpieces

You are an unusual and special person. You are so kind to the person that hit you and their feelings; but you know you are not being good to yourself Mindinpieces. Accidents do happen, you were very much wounded by the accident, but you are bleeding about other people's shame instead of your own hurt.

You were a very young adolescent and yeah, guess what, not only adolescents make errors, not pay attention and so do grown-ups. Perhaps the driver should have taken some defensive driving tactics to avoid hitting you. You were the victim here, not the driver. You had broken bones and likely a lot of pain and abrasions...did the driver have that...I sure the answer is "no". I noticed in one of your posts you empathize strongly with the driver. There appears to be no way for you to know how the driver feels, may feel lucky they got out of that without harsher fines and punishments.
You cannot assume their mental application to what they did to you.
Have you read about the Stockholm Syndrome? It might be of some help to you.

I think you are blaming a 13 year old for not being completely and absolutely responsible. Really??? Is that a just statement?
It would take a rarity for a young teen who is feeling their way through life with a clear understanding of an adult. Does not happen...teens are known for having misconceptions and traveling through layers of feelings, hormonal changes, life challenges, learning concepts, and it takes years of living to become qued to the development of the person. You certainly would not be there at age 13, just beginning.

I probably sound harsh, but want to make a clear message to you concerning this.
You are not to blame yourself!!! Being a victim is hard enough, but you are trying to be the victimizer....no, no, no!! Hugs to you young lady, bj

I don't think you sound harsh but at same time I am not sure what you are trying to put across, sorry.

sorry thought the message before didn't load

Mindinpieces, I'm talking about your accident. That you have taken all the responsibility
on yourself for it happening. I hope the whole message loaded, because you only replied to the last line of it. I responded to that as I believe this seemed to be the root of your feeling , according to your post here. Maybe I'm missing the bigger picture here, feel free to correct me on this. Hugs, bj

your worthy of life, so live it. (((hugs))) think of this as a second chance.

Thank You for all your comments it took me a while to try and get where you are coming from if that makes sense. I am not sure if you are right I do feel guilty I will admitt that but at the time sometimes I would blame the driver when I was younger as a shame defence of my mistake in what happened.

However the way I feel now is not connected to just the accident. I have hardley done the right thing and been a better person or changed how I am.Nor have progressed in life and done what I should have done by my age.

One comment that really hurts me and gets me all the time is "You of all people should know better".
In other words maybe I hide behind what has happen and use it as excuse from fear of reality and dealing with real world and not just safety of my damaging mind. it hurts less to hurt yourself then to face up to real world and life HOWEVER THIS IS NOT TRUE at all just another misguidence of my thoughts. This is me faceing up to whats really going on, glad thats out.

Thank you again for all your replys and what you have said. I am sorry as all I have done is talked bad about myself and not shown a good person even though you said you don't like it when people talk bad about themselfs. I am sorry if I haven't understood everything you have tryed to put across. I wish you the best and hugs

Talking bad about yourself was an expression of my concern for you. I wasn't angry at all, just kind of wishing you felt better about yourself, because you really are a victim in the car wreck You should not feel badly about what happened in the accident, geez, you were a kid!! It seems this incident may have been emotionally stunting/polarizing for you, and that is just not right. Kids always have their head up their behinds at that age, not paying attention is an absolute normal for a kid at 13. My point Mindinpieces, is that you are not guilty of anything. You were hurt because a driver hit you, and it is entirely their fault....not yours. Every driver should look out for pedestrians, and react to anything while on the road, veering, breaking, whatever it takes not to hit someone.

Now maybe your parents told you to always look both ways...typical of a caring parent. Does a young child always remember all the rules....heavens NO.

Your feelings over this has been a basis it kinda appears for all the other things that's happen since that time. I'm guessing of course, but you lost your confidence and may suffer some trauma from almost being a road-kill. (Sorry had to throw a little levity into this discussion.) I wish I could give you a huge dose of confidence, because yours has been flattened terribly by your self talk or someone else. Wishing the best in life and a quick recovery. Hugs, bj

Oh yes, you should blame the driver!!

Mindinpieces,
You are just 19, your life has not been for very long you know. I hear different 19 year olds saying they havent done enough with their lives, well, honestly 19 is still so young and most your age ARE confused and DONT know who they really are or want.'

You mentioned that at one point you were diagnosed with social phobia? Well if that is true there are children that are born with that tendency to be quiet and confused about how to interact. It has been proven that these children can get worse if family members or parents either pick on them or constantly make comments of "Oh he/she is always too quiet, constantly struggles, or anything that continues to tell a child they are different or not good enough in some way. They have proven that children who have this problem can be taught to overcome it rather than continue to form beliefs that they simply cannot learn to socialize like other kids. It is something that can be overcome in time.

I am curious about your upbringing and how your feelings about yourself were never correctly treated and may have somehow only been met with your parents not making more attempts to help you with this. This CAN happen if parents are not educated about what it means and that their child needs extra help to overcome this issue.

To be honest with you, most people DO struggle to understand other people and often wonder if they are interacting effectively. I myself was painfully shy most of my childhood right up through my teenage years. Many of my piers thought that it was because I was stuck up (I found this out years later) and they honestly didn't know how much I struggled. One of the biggest things that helped me was that I worked with so many children over the years and found myself understanding more and more by experiencing the different things children told me about how they struggled. I realized, that some of the issues children had were imprinted on them from their parents, or because they were dealing with divorced parents or an ill parent or a parent that was constantly directing their every move.

I taught riding lessons for many years and I worked with children that truely struggled to show their emotions and even talk back to me. I have to say it was a challenge for me because I honestly couldn't tell if they understood what I was teaching them, if they were afraid or felt ready to learn more. I spent a lot of time trying to understand these children and I ended up at the end of every lesson putting in a long walk to cool out the pony I would say. Then I would just talk and talk and talk, and I am actually very good at that now as some of my posts can be long. But what that did was it helped these children to finally talk back. And I would purposely repeat certain stories and I would hear some words, like Mrs, Open Eyes you already told me that story. And then I would laugh and thank that child for listening. It was not easy to get these children to talk back and express themselves, I found that I had to constantly tell them it was ok to let me know and ask me questions.

My main point in all this is that as a quiet person myself, I somehow understood the need to learn how to feel like I was communicating well with others. I gave children time and as I was teaching them, I was learning as well. And then along the way I realized that in each adult is a child that can worry about how they are communicating and if they are somehow good enough. I am in my 50's now and I am not an expert in every form of communication. I do have my weak areas where I do stress and even wonder if I interact the right way. But to be honest, every person wonders that inside you know, everyone. Communicating with others is a skill that we all learn and some take more time than others to learn this skill. Everyone wonders about their self worth to a certain extent, THAT IS VERY HUMAN.

You don't have to go through your life thinking that your never going to be worthy of others and constantly punish yourself with doubts that are in ALL HUMAN BEINGS TO A CERTAIN EXTENT. Honestly, communication is actually a skill that we all learn to slowly develope throughout our lives. At 19, the self doubt is at a very high level as well as a sense that it should somehow be accomplished and this skill should be second nature. This is NOT TRUE AT "ALL". There are plenty of people that struggle with their sense of communication skills JUST LIKE YOU. This should not be something that should drive ANYONE into truely believing that they are unworthy of life.

Mindinpieces you would not believe how many "SUCCESSFUL" Actors, Actresses, Artists, Writers, Inventors, Musicians and even Commedians have truely struggled with the feelings you talk about here. Elton John? well as much as he became quite the showman? He really struggled at your age and contemplated SI many times as well as Billy Joel who was really shy and troubled. Just these two Valuable Talented Musicians/Artists struggled, they DID finally overcome. Even Johnny Cash who gave us so many wonderful songs struggled. Even Elvis Presley who shined like a huge beam of light privately struggled. You would not believe how many COMEDIANS are actually some very troubled people. As much as you THINK your in your own failing world, there is actually a world FULL of people who STRUGGLE and it truely takes them TIME to finally overcome.

Honestly, you are not alone in your struggle, it is part of being HUMAN and that is the truth.

Open Eyes