[dusty9838]

For the first time in my 31 years on this planet I'm scared.

I'm scared that if I ever do get out of this depression of being out of my decade long relationship... If I ever find another girl I fear I'll never trust her again. The girlfriend I had was someone I confided in and trusted and never ever thought possible she'd leave me like she did.

If one day I feel like I found another girl... would i ever be able to trust her? I just don't know if it's possible for me to trust another human being again... I fear I'm headed down a long lonely road.

The only thing I have to look forward in my life is an appointment with a psychologist on the 20th... how sad is that. It's been a bit over a month and some days i feel it's just so hard to go on anymore and I feel like I'm running out of coping resources fast. Ughhh..

[Leed]

I'm glad you're going into therapy. I'm SURE it will help you get thru this.

It's only natural that you would be gun-shy after having something like this happen. But don't let it sour you for future relationships --- not EVERY woman is like that, thank goodness! LOL You'll find a woman who is trustworthy & faithful -- just make sure you don't look for someone just like your ex!! Sometimes we do that, and it just make for more trouble.

Give yourself some time to heal -- don't jump into a new relationship soon. After a 10 year relationship, I'd surely stay "single" for at least a year -- that doesn't mean you can't date tho.

God bless & take care of yourself. Hugs, Lee

[Aslan]

Perfect women , she would be a t

[dusty9838]

Originally Posted by Leed

I'm glad you're going into therapy. I'm SURE it will help you get thru this.

It's only natural that you would be gun-shy after having something like this happen. But don't let it sour you for future relationships --- not EVERY woman is like that, thank goodness! LOL You'll find a woman who is trustworthy & faithful -- just make sure you don't look for someone just like your ex!! Sometimes we do that, and it just make for more trouble.

Give yourself some time to heal -- don't jump into a new relationship soon. After a 10 year relationship, I'd surely stay "single" for at least a year -- that doesn't mean you can't date tho.

God bless & take care of yourself. Hugs, Lee

Thank you for your reply Lee,

I'm glad you feel sure that therapy will help me... I really hope so because the last 6 weeks of my life have been pure hell. I barely have anything to cope with and nothing seems to bring happiness to my life... I guess it's because I had laid out all my hopes and dreams on her and just knew we'd be together for the rest of my life.

It's just so painful. Thank you for your kind words, they mean a lot.

[roads]

I'm betting that therapy may turn out to be the best gift you've ever given yourself. But you probably don't do much for you, so we'll see.

What I worry about is all this projecting & living in the future you're doing. That's not good. Therapy can help with that. Try not to think about what that next woman will be like. Don't start projecting stuff on her now when she doesn't even exist! If you get too set on the fact or the ways she (not even existing yet) may betray you, it will be all too easy for that package of expectations to settle--even unconsciously--on an actual woman who comes into the picture. Now, would that be fair?

Be good to yourself. & give all those women a break!

[Brokenjewellery]

I know exactly how you feel, and your right it is scary! After the end of my 9 year relationship I feel sometimes that I would rather be alone forever than ever let someone else hurt me. It's hard to give someone your trust and hav them break it.. And your heart.. I would/could never hurt somebody the way I was hurt.. Don't know how people can do that. What youv gone through is severe trauma. Take recovery at your own pace. Treat each day as a new day. Take care dusty. Your hearts precious only give it away when you feel 100% ready.

[Rose3]

Hi Dusty - yes it can be painful to lose someone after a long relationship, and
maybe it leaves a person feeling torn apart, but allow yourself some time. Sounds
like a good idea to connect with a therapist - hopefully this will be a comfortable fit.
You can get through this.
Rose3

[natani_girl]

That sounds really hard. I'm sorry that had to happen to you. I would definitely recommend a T or something of the sort, if you think talking it through with someone who is nonjudgmental could help. I've found a lot of guys feel uncomfortable even with the idea of it, because they don't want to feel "weak" (IMO, admitting you want a T is even stronger, and you can still keep it on the private side) so the fact that you're visiting a psychologist shows promise to me, both of it's effectiveness and of your strength.

Agreeing with roadrunner in that you shouldn't worry yourself too much about woman at this moment, you should focus on yourself. Right now, you're in a state of distress, and that can warp one's thinking. So when you find yourself thinking about that, tell yourself that you shouldn't think about the future right now, you should focus on the present, getting on your feet and being the best you can be. Maybe connecting with some guy friends or making some new ones can help keep your spirits and confidence up. Also don't forget that it takes 2 to make a relationship, so don't pit all the blame on yourself, because that is simply unfair. You'll find that maybe you're better with a different kind of woman, and this situation does not evaluate yourself as a partner or person.

Hopefully, my advice helped, but I havent had as much experience as a lot of you guys, so take it lightly, I guess...

As you live life "alone," try to enjoy some of the positives. You have total decision making control of what you eat, what you watch, where you go, when you do chores, etc. Your expenses are usually less. You have freedom to flirt without any obligations.

Being able to trust again always takes time. If you cannot trust at this time, do not feel fear or shame for it. It is your body and mind protecting itself while you recover....and you will. With professional help, you will regain your trust probably sooner than you would without therapy, but it will return when you are mentally ready to. Meanwhile, do not force your mind to do anything. You will only be stressing yourself further.I have been hurting for 6 or more years...and many of the relationship fails in the past probably had something to do with the fact I tried to hard to get back in the game before I was ready to.

Get out once in a while to a social event even wihtout expectations....just to be out and communicating, it doesn't matter who with or what activity. Just be sure to be present in social settings now and then. Meanwhile, we will be happy to have fun in chat with you as we already do.

[dusty9838]

Originally Posted by Ingrid2

As you live life "alone," try to enjoy some of the positives. You have total decision making control of what you eat, what you watch, where you go, when you do chores, etc. Your expenses are usually less. You have freedom to flirt without any obligations.

Being able to trust again always takes time. If you cannot trust at this time, do not feel fear or shame for it. It is your body and mind protecting itself while you recover....and you will. With professional help, you will regain your trust probably sooner than you would without therapy, but it will return when you are mentally ready to. Meanwhile, do not force your mind to do anything. You will only be stressing yourself further.I have been hurting for 6 or more years...and many of the relationship fails in the past probably had something to do with the fact I tried to hard to get back in the game before I was ready to.

Get out once in a while to a social event even wihtout expectations....just to be out and communicating, it doesn't matter who with or what activity. Just be sure to be present in social settings now and then. Meanwhile, we will be happy to have fun in chat with you as we already do.

Hey Ingrid,

Thanks for the reply I am trying to make myself see the positives but right now I can't help but feel alone and incomplete as if something vital has been removed from my life... I guess that makes it hard to enjoy anything, even if I am free to do whatever.

I agree with the get out and do a social event without expectations... I have a bit of social anxiety so that makes it somewhat difficult but I am able to overcome it usually so I guess that is something I can continue to work on.

[blkchr91]

Just take out the "please remember me" part or any sentiments of guilt and dedicate the song to yourself instead. You are worthy of finding the right person. Like the others have mentioned, you can work on yourself like you are doing.

Working on yourself in retrospect meant enjoying my life for what I really liked. Wrenching on cars all day for example worked out just fine for me without being controlled. Cooking my own meals and actually enjoying what I liked to eat. Having full run of the remote control and watching what I actually wanted to watch, etc.

Like someone said, don't be looking for your ex in someone else though or even to live the same lifestyle you lived before. A complete opposite could even be the best thing that happened to you.

My current wife is from Scotland, we are opposite in EVERY way, but in this case opposites attract. Sure we have had our moments and who doesn't but now we are 2 peas in a pod and I won't let the little stuff or the big stuff break us. Not a chance. My eyes are also twice as opened to life being with someone who is so doggone different.

Be careful on the rebound, take it day by day without worrying about what will become of the relationship. Don't worry about keeping it together if it doesn't feel right because it probably isn't.

These could very well be some of the best years of your life. One day you will smile at the distant memory and have a story to tell others close to you. You will one day realize that it all happened for a reason and as absurd as it may sound, you may be glad that it did.

This has just been my very accurate experience.

Feel free to pm if you'd like to.

Originally Posted by dusty9838

Hey Ingrid,

Thanks for the reply I am trying to make myself see the positives but right now I can't help but feel alone and incomplete as if something vital has been removed from my life... I guess that makes it hard to enjoy anything, even if I am free to do whatever.

I agree with the get out and do a social event without expectations... I have a bit of social anxiety so that makes it somewhat difficult but I am able to overcome it usually so I guess that is something I can continue to work on.

Originally Posted by dusty9838

I agree with the get out and do a social event without expectations... I have a bit of social anxiety so that makes it somewhat difficult but I am able to overcome it usually so I guess that is something I can continue to work on.

Dusty, I totally understand about the social anxiety. I have it also. I tend to go to books stores, coffee shops, museums and other places that have distractions to keep my attention so I don't have to talk to people, but it still gets me out and about. City sights, shopping complexes or simply a trail to follow with my headphones in but only one ear so I can hear if somebody says anything to me.

[lachlan_]

I can relate to this thread. I get scared to and sometimes the only thing that i look forward to is something that seems really odd or usual, and i dont even know why

[summeryoga]

dusty ... you kinda disappeared. you ok?