I do I really hate me, This is not meant to be a self pity post so I am sorry if it comes across that way.

All my life I have been the victim of bullying, I have mood swings almost everyday so why would anyone want to be friends with someone like me?
I hate myself for it I hate the way I am and the way I look, I don't see myself as a nice person at all, I wish that I was a better person, I have tried to change but I can't, I am scared of myself.

[essexgirl]

Hello Kitty believe me your a lovely person with a heart
of gold whose caring and understanding and very nice.

. xxx

Originally Posted by Kittyclaws

I do I really hate me, This is not meant to be a self pity post so I am sorry if it comes across that way.

All my life I have been the victim of bullying, I have mood swings almost everyday so why would anyone want to be friends with someone like me?
I hate myself for it I hate the way I am and the way I look, I don't see myself as a nice person at all, I wish that I was a better person, I have tried to change but I can't, I am scared of myself.

Kitty, I am sorry you are feeling so awful. I struggle with self-esteem issues, as well.

I didn't read your post as self pity, at all. Simply stating how you feel about yourself. I don't like myself much either. But I am working on it really hard with my T, doing homework and by coming here to PC. It's not easy. I am an "old lady" but I have a teeny bit of hope so I keep trying

Have you spoken with your T about this? What about your Pdoc? You are trying just by reaching out here, too, which is great!

You are lovely. And you are not alone

[lynn P.]

((((Kittyclaws))) - when I 1st saw your post, I didn't have an answer so I went searching. I believe you're a good person and I /we can tell you all the nice things, but when you're in the midst of self loathing....you probably won't believe it. Its good you're letting these feelings out. While researching I discovered this is a hard pattern to break - this self loathing monster has a big ego - I realize this sounds odd, but its true. The more compliments we give this self hating monster, the more it digs in.

I suspect you're very angry but don't know where or how to direct it...so you internalize it. The natural remedy most sites recommend is practice self love...but its not a light switch a person can just turn on and off...its a healing process. This is a good article you may relate to and I pray you get to the point of self love.

http://www.cyquest.com/pathway/healing_self_hate.html

Thanks, I will read this soon lynn thanks.

I am fed up feeling useless all the time, My husband pays me compliments everyday and I just think he is lieing to me, I know deep down that he isn't, I see myself as fat and ugly even though people say i'm not, I am on a waiting list for CBT should be about 2 months now.

My pdoc, No not told him how I feel it is the first time I have admitted this tbh, I am shocked that I have been open about it here I could never tell anyone this in real life.

In a couple of weeks time we will hear from the CPS about dad too, Too much on my mind but coming here is helping me distracting away from it all.

[torn2020]

Originally Posted by Kittyclaws

Thanks, I will read this soon lynn thanks.

I am fed up feeling useless all the time, My husband pays me compliments everyday and I just think he is lieing to me, I know deep down that he isn't, I see myself as fat and ugly even though people say i'm not, I am on a waiting list for CBT should be about 2 months now.

My pdoc, No not told him how I feel it is the first time I have admitted this tbh, I am shocked that I have been open about it here I could never tell anyone this in real life.

In a couple of weeks time we will hear from the CPS about dad too, Too much on my mind but coming here is helping me distracting away from it all.

Kitty I don't know the answers to these feelings but I do know you are a nice person. I am new on PC & you have made me feel so welcome. People need friends like you. I hope your day gets better

[dailyhealing]

I have to admit I don't know you well. But here is what I do know. You post nice pictures on my wall. You were very welcoming to me when I joined here recently. You have said some kind things to me along the way. To me, that sounds like a very nice person. I also understand that if I don't feel it myself it's hard to believe it when anyone else says it. I still struggle with that with my wife at times, thinking that at some point she will realize how screwed up I really am. I, too, know this is not true but the feelings still come sometimes. I wish you well and am glad you posted this on here today!

[IceCreamKid]

Originally Posted by Kittyclaws

I do I really hate me, This is not meant to be a self pity post so I am sorry if it comes across that way.

All my life I have been the victim of bullying, I have mood swings almost everyday so why would anyone want to be friends with someone like me?
I hate myself for it I hate the way I am and the way I look, I don't see myself as a nice person at all, I wish that I was a better person, I have tried to change but I can't, I am scared of myself.

I like you. I think you are a nice person. I rarely see ugly people -- people just aren't ugly nowadays, so I imagine you are really quite lovely. I wonder what would happen if you recited to yourself "I am a good person. I look nice. People like me" and you recited that every day and every time you had a negative self-thought you would recite one of the positive ones? I had terrible self-esteem problems and I did those kinds of affirmations and I found them very helpful.

[kindachaotic]

Dear Kittyclaws, Read this thread a couple times. Know you didn't write this for pity, but saddens me you're in such turmoil. But, am very proud of you for sharing you inner most thoughts & troubles.

Don't know alot about your situation but from what I've seen, maybe start at home. Your husband truly seems to love & care about you. He is the person you are around the most & probably knows you best. Take one thing/issue at a time. You know he is sincere when complimenting you. Repeat them in your head over & over. Try not to dwell on the whole gamet of happenings in your life. The CBT will happen, you will hear about your dad. Think about today, (time zone?). Think about what you shared with us today, big achievement, you can share it with T when ready.

Don't know if this helps, I may be way off base.
Feel you on the whole friend thing, what do I have to offer & how to go about it??

You are a wonderful person, baby steps & chin up.
Chaotic

Thank you all

I have read this about 3 times and all your words are very very kind, Lynn that link you gave me was very helpful I read it last night and there was so much that I could relate to so thank you for that.

I feel rather silly admitting this if I am honest, I was in a bad place yesterday so I thought why not write what I was feeling? I have felt like this for years, It is something that I have always felt, I can't take criticism either even if someone might not even mean any harm by it