[krisakira]

not actively suicidal, no plan to, but it has been on my mind that i just want to give up. I hate that i have bipolar and ptsd, and i hate that i am fat and ugly. The one thing i am supposed to control, my weight, i cannot control because i am a fat pig and i hate myself for it, i see no happy future and i do not see myself getting out of this, i am feeling so hopeless

[notablackbarbie]

((((krisakira))))

I disagree with everything you said in your post, kris. Vent all you want, but recognize that your statements are not factual. If you want to lose weight, there are ways, but it's always very hard to do, so give yourself a break.

[Phoboxyl]

Originally Posted by krisakira

not actively suicidal, no plan to, but it has been on my mind that i just want to give up. I hate that i have bipolar and ptsd, and i hate that i am fat and ugly. The one thing i am supposed to control, my weight, i cannot control because i am a fat pig and i hate myself for it, i see no happy future and i do not see myself getting out of this, i am feeling so hopeless

"Fag Pig" Is a pretty harsh statement. How much do you even weigh? I don't believe you are fat. I think it is your disorder talking. Hold on, this isn't real, the thoughts are not reflections of the truth.

[LadyShadow]

I understand what you are saying, I feel like that too at times. Especially when I'm at my extreme lows. And that's all this is. Just a low. Its is the disorder talking. You are not alone in your feelings.

[ThePainNeverDies]

krisakira,

This struck a chord with me in a very hard way. Your mentality reminds me of how mine was a couple of years ago, and how it still is sometimes.

I'm sure that you are not 'fat and ugly', nor are you a pig.

What I think you need to do, is to start with one small thing that you'd like to change in your life, and work on changing just that one thing. Do things one at a time and you're more likely to achieve those goals.

I'm sorry that you're feeling the way that you are, if you'd ever like a chat, I'm only a PM away. I understand completely where you are coming from and I'd like to help.

Hopelessness is your biggest enemy here, that is what is holding you back. I can tell from your post that you have very low self esteem and probably feel like you have no worth or place in this World, but those are the thoughts of your PTSD and Bipolar. You can control these thoughts and feelings, and there are a select few people who can help you to do so. BUT it starts with you. You need the determination, which I think you have, you just need to grab hold of that.

Think about it this way. Is it you saying that you're fat, or is there 'another part' of you saying it? Is it a sub conscious part, or a conscious part of you? Once you answer that question, then you can work on pushing out those negative thoughts and feelings.

I hope I've been of some help, I'm sorry I cannot say much more right now, but again, I have an open inbox any time.

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((Krisakira))))

I am sorry you are feeling this way and wanted you to know that you are not alone. I validate how you feel but I agree with what others have said that it is the disorder talking and re-iterating its lies. You are worth something and worthy to be heard. You have a purpose as we all do we just may not know what that purpose is right now. I feel this way at times too and understand what you are saying at least how I can relate to it.

Just know that you are being heard, listened too, and that we care. So glad you are here and that you shared. Sometimes just getting it out can help, and can be a way to release some of the pressure we feel. Hang in there Kris and keep reaching out. You are worthy of being heard, cared about, and validated. Sending you gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

[krisakira]

Originally Posted by Phoboxyl

"Fag Pig" Is a pretty harsh statement. How much do you even weigh? I don't believe you are fat. I think it is your disorder talking. Hold on, this isn't real, the thoughts are not reflections of the truth.

I weigh 280, my BMI is over 50.. yeah i am "morbidly obese" as they call it...

[so_punk_rock]

maybe it is the illness talking. when i first got really depressed i pretty much hated myself. i still deal with problems with self esteem, but maybe it will get better with time. you have to find ways to uplift yourself because no one else will. im sure there are plenty of good things about you and just because youre big, does not mean you arent beautiful. beauty comes in all shapes and sizes. i also understand what it feels like to be angry with yourself because of your mental illness. its not your fault that you are that way. i dont know if me or you can ever be "normal", but we can try to be the best that we possibly can be. plus, i figured out that being "normal" is overrated. when i have felt my worst i just thought about my hopes and dreams. thats the only thing that has kept me going, really. the hope of making a better life for myself. i know personally that losing weight is hard, but if i can do it, you can do it. trust me, im one of the most undisciplined people in the world. lol

[Onward2wards]

Kris ... I consider you a friend. I accept you as you are.
What people forget (me included) is that in order for one person to truly support another, this must include telling them that they are both being too harsh with themselves, and validating that there are things they legitimately want to change, which is their personal choice and preference.

So ... I support you in wanting physical health, AND I'm giving you hugs for beating yourself up over everything. I wish you all the best making step-by-step changes toward whatever you want for your life. As for those self-hating thoughts that tear you down at every step and just get in the way, please join me in telling them "Leave Kris the %^#$ alone already, she's a good person!"

I think we all need to disentangle our own real voice that wants genuine self-improvement from the absorbed voices that tell us we are nothing and that we can't and don't deserve to make it.

((((( Kris )))))

[KathyM]

(((Kris)))

Try your very best, and control what you can in life. Give it your all, knowing no one can have complete control over life - including their bodies. I'm sorry society places so much focus on outside appearance/size, and pressures us to conform - as if we are all supposed to fit into the same mold.

You ARE beautiful, and life IS worth living. If, in the end, it turns out that life wasn't worth living - at least you can say you tried very hard and gave it your all.....right up to the very end.

[gma45]

You are not alone! Please don't be so hard on yourself. Sometimes I say things like that to myself and after a while I start to believe it, so lets start being nice to us and only say things that we would tell someone else. I would never say anything like that to anyone I know not even my worst enemy. So starting now only tell ourselves good things. I am in are you? Lets just try for a week and see if it makes a difference, Ok?

[Towanda]

Something I posted in another thread seems appropriate here. Peace everyone

To me, simply being alive, being a person, being a human being, means that I have self worth. I don't have to do anything, be anything, accomplish anything to have self worth. I am an intricately, awesomely and wonderfully made being, with a heart and with a soul - that alone makes me worthy. Male or female - I can take part in the process of creating new life - that's a pretty powerful statement - that gives me self worth. My body and it's processes are still somewhat of a mystery to medical science in spite of the advances we've made in thousands of years of discoveries - what a feeling of self worth that gives me!

Money, fame, power, reaching goals - that's all gravy. I don't need any of that to feel a sense of self worth. I became an awesome, beautiful being the moment I was conceived. And I didn't have to do a thing to earn that

[insideout]

Unfortunately, it's probably not the weight that has you down.
Losing weight is probably a lot simpler than building up your self esteem.
I know a girl at work who is radiant, and is obese. People hardly notice though because she glows with confidence. She looks more attractive than the skinny chick at work who has her nose up in the air. (God I hate that snobby chick!)
I too have a poor self image, and I'm sure it probably has nothing to do with the way I actually look.

[Melancolic]

Originally Posted by krisakira

not actively suicidal, no plan to, but it has been on my mind that i just want to give up. I hate that i have bipolar and ptsd, and i hate that i am fat and ugly. The one thing i am supposed to control, my weight, i cannot control because i am a fat pig and i hate myself for it, i see no happy future and i do not see myself getting out of this, i am feeling so hopeless

There is only a now.
If asked to explain what this means it could not be understood.
Everyday existance is turmoil feeling like your drowning in self-hatred i have spent times of my life struggling with this indifference.
You are not alone in this.

[pachyderm]

I find when I feel so bad and "want to die" it is a wish to escape the punishment that I think is coming, and to get it over with before someone else can do it to me. It is a way to lessen the anxiety of feeling that punishment is imminent. Messages or memories from the past...

Originally Posted by KathyM

You ARE beautiful, and life IS worth living. If, in the end, it turns out that life wasn't worth living - at least you can say you tried very hard and gave it your all.....right up to the very end.

I know that wasn't for me, but I read it and I loved it and I nearly cried. Thank you so much for this

[IceCreamKid]

Please be kind to yourself. You deserve to be treated with love and kindness.

[skyscraper]

((((((((((((((krisakira))))))))))))))) I am so sorry that your going through this. I really do hope that things get better for you.

[Smilesoutside]

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. Try to be good to yourself. Women are beautiful at any size.

[brackenbeard]

Originally Posted by krisakira

not actively suicidal, no plan to, but it has been on my mind that i just want to give up. I hate that i have bipolar and ptsd, and i hate that i am fat and ugly. The one thing i am supposed to control, my weight, i cannot control because i am a fat pig and i hate myself for it, i see no happy future and i do not see myself getting out of this, i am feeling so hopeless

Find the life you want to live and live it. Stay close to the things you love. Be easy on yourself. You'll find a way through it.

[Towanda]

Originally Posted by Smilesoutside

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. Try to be good to yourself. Women are beautiful at any size.

What an awesome, life-afirming thing to say! You brought tears to my eyes. I made a copy and put it in my wallet. Thank you so very much

[BleedingDestruction]

Originally Posted by Towanda

Something I posted in another thread seems appropriate here. Peace everyone

To me, simply being alive, being a person, being a human being, means that I have self worth. I don't have to do anything, be anything, accomplish anything to have self worth. I am an intricately, awesomely and wonderfully made being, with a heart and with a soul - that alone makes me worthy. Male or female - I can take part in the process of creating new life - that's a pretty powerful statement - that gives me self worth. My body and it's processes are still somewhat of a mystery to medical science in spite of the advances we've made in thousands of years of discoveries - what a feeling of self worth that gives me!

Money, fame, power, reaching goals - that's all gravy. I don't need any of that to feel a sense of self worth. I became an awesome, beautiful being the moment I was conceived. And I didn't have to do a thing to earn that

Thank you so much for posting this. This is something I always have to remind myself of, and you just word it so beautifully.

[BleedingDestruction]

I promise you that you are beautiful, inside and out. Everyone always has something beautiful about them, and truly, wonderfully beautiful people are the ones who are beautiful on the inside-- and I know you are.

[loser123]

Do not kill yourself, you'll regret it.