[iamspecial]

My oldest brother who is Gay Just had a Birthday, it was his Birthday on Monday 11th June....i didn't message him on facebook, i didn't text him or send him a card or anything because when it was my Birthday he didn't bother to message me or send me a card or anything and he know's i moved and don't live with my parents anymore but i do go home to visit because all my friends are where they are but on my Birthday i wasn't at my parents i was in my flat because of uni. Anyway....today my brother's boyfriend thought he would have ago at me even though i have enough people right now getting at me for being alive and having friends. With what he said near the end really got to me!! It's like he was saying that it's my fault why "God" as blessed me with loosing my family....like it is my fault why my Grandma died because i wasn't good enough as a child and need punishing for it. This is the convo that we had....

Brother's boyfriend (i'll call him brother's bf) (one of my brother's....i'll call him Gaz instead of his real name)
Hi special, nobody except your grandad even cared about Gaz's birthday . He tries so hard and gets nothing in return. I don't mean physical things - just a thank you. X

Special
Hi brother's bf, the reason I didn't send him a message or birthday wish is because i didn't get one from him!! He didn't bother with me and well I don't know about our parents or brother so can't say anything for them, so its not that I didn't care, its the fact he never bothers with me anymore I don't even hear from him unless I bump into him or if I meet grandad.

Brother's boyfriend
Gaz is all about family! You're card waz put in your mums letter box!

Special
I never got it!! If I had got it I would have said thank you to him but I never got a card.

Brother's boyfriend
So who's fault was that?

Special
I asked my parents and they both say nothing came through the door for me!! So??

Brother's boyfriend
So who's lying when I was stood outside down the street as he put it through. Gaz just got home and told me not to bother. That's how god blesses you! you loose your family.

Special
They said nothing came, you say he sent one.....how the hell am i meant to know....everyone lies to me these days i have no one who i can trust!! I'm sick of this!! don't have ago at me for not getting a card of him....there is nothing i can do about that. Me loose my family?? i lost that 10 YEARS ago when i lost my grandma!! so i haven't had a family since she died so you can't say i am loosing it now because i lost that 10 years agos!!

I really believe i lost my family when i lost her....yes i still get upset about her, i still miss her but the truth is SHE was the glue to my family so when she died everything just got worse, especially for me. I was only 10 when she died, she was my best friend and i always talked about her and i used to sneak to my grandparents....i love/d her so much....i used to walk in front of her listening to her shoes make the noise that high heals make even though she wasn't wearing high heals and i used to think "one day i'll be wearing shoes like that and we will walk together when i'm older"....what and idiot i was and still am....

My Grandad would get drunk and call me just to tell me how horrible i was, how she would hate me, how she didn't love me, how it was me who let it all happen and loads of horrible things that really upset me and he had me crying once she was gone....i used to have loads of phone calls with him telling me all this and upsetting me then he stopped and i never saw or heard from him i think 3 years after or longer (not 100% sure). If i was with my parents and we saw him in town he would hurt me, he would grab my arm really tight, twist it, pull me and scream in my face and my parents just stood there and let him do that to me and not care at all. I hated it....i needed him at that time but he wasn't there, he hurt me instead. So few years after i really wanted him in my life still even though he hurt me and i thought he had changed but i was soooooooooo wrong. I went to his after school....i'd go on a saturday again to his spend time with him, try to get to know him more but even that didn't work out well. He told me that he had a girlfriend (not even 12 months after my Grandma was dead) and he wanted me to meet her (well my whole family to meet her) and where did he say to meet him and her?? right in front of my Grandma's GRAVE!! talk about rubbing it into the sores and scars!! It was bad enough that he jumped into bed with someone right after she died let alone having to meet her right in front of my Grandma's grave. so we did meet her which then my saturday's with him meant she was there too, which only bothered me at first but i got used to her and i thought she was ok....untill she hit me in front of my Auntie and Uncle!! My Auntie and Uncle had to hold their tongues a little but my Auntie told her that she wasn't allowed to hit me (at least i had them there and they saw it for themselves so they know i wasn't lying....my Auntie even told me that the reason why she doesn't my grandad's new wife *was girlfriend but they married not long ago* because she hit me and if she saw them that she would make sure they didn't see her so she didn't have to talk to them as she doesn't like them) Well one saturday my grandad really hurt me again but i was in secondry school and wasn't taking anymore abuse....i have had enough abuse to last me a life time and well i ran away from him and her and i hid. Someone i trusted came and told me to meet her and her family somewhere she knew to check on me and see if he made any marks (my grandad had punshed me on my arm about 4 times and twisted my arm round so i ran out the car....he did that because i wasn't taking him on....i didn't want to play his stupid game so i ignored him) Any that person came to check on me and she rang the police and stayed with me and went with me and the policeman to my house where my parents where, my grandad told my parents i had ran off and they couldn't find me and my parents thought i'd head home when he told them i had ran off but come on how stupid would i have been to run home where he would have known i was just to hurt me again?? My mom did try to call me but i ignored it....i don't trust her. Anyway after that things with him just aren't the same and i can't bring myself to tell him that the reason i don't call or text him if i need anything or to talk is becuase i just don't trust him at all and he might be able to forget all that he as done to me but i can't and my skin crawls when i have to meet him....i really hate it but he in my only grandparent left but he knows there is something i'm not telling him....i'm really distant with him which i can't help, i have tried my best but the fact are the facts. He married his girlfriend not long ago no one was invited, they just got married and day after i got a call of him saying to put my dad on the phone and he told my dad he married his girlfriend then told him to put me on the phone and he told me then put the phone down on me my mum went nuts and i needed to get out away from her, so me and my cousin went out.

So from all that....then my brother (the gay one) took his side over mine, me and this brother was sooooooooooooo close and we did a lot of things after grandma died but once Grandad hurt me that was it!! He turned on me and sided with our Grandad and to make matters worse the guy he was with at that time (a different one than who he is with now) told him a load of lies about me and made things up about me to make him hate me even more!! So since then me and him have never been the same!!

And carrying on, after the call of my Grandad....that made my mom and dad upset (it's my dad's dad) and my mom texted my grandad saying he was dead to both her and my dad but looking at my dad that day i could tell that it was upsetting him and he didn't know what to say or do....he did message my Auntie (i was staying with her that night thank God....i don't think i could have handle my mom that night and poor dad had too) He didn't know what to do. He only as his dad left yet my Grandad told him he had to choose between him and my mom and my mom told him he had to choose between her and him!! So both as bad!! My poor dad....so now neither my mom nor dad talk to my grandad and my mom's poison as worked on turning my dad completely against his own dad but i told them i'm staying out of it but they don't listen.

And well my other brother who is only 2 years older than me, well he lost the plot!! Since he as been with his girlfriend...he just hasn't been the same at all!! I have no idea who he is anymore....he isn't the brother i know....he was always good, he told on you if you did something bad, he was the "Angel" who did no wrong....what ever he did i got the blame for it and the beating for it too....but now all he does is lie and lie and lie!! He really is just not the brother i knew and he wrote something that he shouldn't have to a cousin of ours she had turned 15 and he said "sorry i missed your birthday but i was too busy having *you know what* with my girlfriend , everyone was mad at him....i asked him why he put something like that on a 15 year old's wall?? and with angry faces (he would NEVER write anything like that....so it was a shock!!) and all he said back was "F**K you" so ever since i don't talk to him much either, i told him his lies and what he keeps doing isn't acceptable and i can't keep doing this so i don't want to know.

So YES since my Grandma died everything has fallen apart and i have NO family!! She was the ONLY one who cared and loved me....she never hurt me, she tried to protect me, she was my shoulder to cry on and she was the one who held everyone together!! She made my grandad come at Christmas to see us, she never let my Grandad or mom hurt me, she took me places, she took me shopping, she made us who we were and when she died that was it....look how things turned out!! My grandma didn't know how special she was and i bet she didn't know that she was all these things or that she did all these things!! I hate my life and i wish it was over....i'm sick of all this, i'd rather be with her than be here right now!! All this hurt, all this arguements, all this being got at just isn't worth it anymore....i'm getting it from all angles and i'm sick of it!! I want out!!

[Open Eyes]

(((Special))),

You have a family that is all about the "WHAT ABOUT ME" soap opera. And the problem with that is THEY CAN ONLY MANAGE TO DO WHAT TOOK PLACE WITH YOU, GET SOMEONE ELSE TO PREACH FOR THEM. Your brother is PLAYING HIS BOYFRIEND'S SYMPATHY and GETTING THE ATTENTION OF "WHAT ABOUT HIM" HE NEEDS FROM THIS BF. The one that is REALLY playing into that game is now THE BOYFRIEND. Yes, it is disfunctional and DO NOT PLAY INTO THAT DISFUNCTION.

Special, you have to grow PAST that toxic behavior that takes place in your family.
Yes, it is crappy, I know, me too, but you have to step back and see it for what it is and all of what you said up in your long post, that is not going to be heard because it is NOT ALL ABOUT YOUR BROTHER it is about YOU.

Special, THIS IS A COMMON PROBLEM IN FAMILIES. It can be all about who can WINE LOUDER THAN EVERYONE ELSE AND NO ONE LISTENS. So what happens is what you go through, YOU FEEL UNIMPORTANT AND INSIGNIFICANT AND UNHEARD. That is the human psychological product of a disfunctional family like this. Spend time reading the questions and emotional struggles of SO MANY HERE AT PC. If you do that you will truely realize YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN HOW YOU THINK AND FEEL.

People DO NOT KNOW HOW TO LISTEN, they OFTEN ONLY LEARN HOW TO "WINE".
People tend to ONLY SEE HOW HARD "THEY" TRY and do not see HOW HARD OTHERS TRY TOO.

Ok, here is an example. I raised my daughter as MY PRIORITY. I gave her lots of love and attention. But while I raised her, I had lots of challenges myself, with health issues a binge alcoholic husband, marriage problems etc. But I always kept up with HER NEEDS and I know I was always concerned about her and loved and listened to her.

Now, I presented with PTSD and that really crippled me and I could not fix all that went wrong. And my daughter was pushing too hard and I did yell at her and lost my temper, but it was really the PTSD that distorted my capacity to keep dealing with so much fall out and loss. And that put a wedge between us and SHE DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW ABOUT ME AND MY PSTD, SHE WAS HURT, THAT IS WHAT SHE KNEW.

Well, I have been in therapy trying to work on this PTSD. And I have been improving, but am still struggling and my family doesn't really get it, my husband is starting to realize what PTSD means and that I can't help it.

But one day when my daughter came home we talked a little and she got upset and she stood in front of me and said, "I was alone and confused in my teens and had no one and I was psychologically abused". Ok, she was very upset and I could she was shaky with anxiety, kind of needing to get that out. Now I am very aware of how much I spoiled her, she really got a lot more than most kids her age and I could have yelled back at her. BUT I DID NOT DO THAT. I allowed her to express HER FEELINGS AND UPSET. And the only thing I said is that I am sorry you feel that way and you should learn why that happened. She said she could not change the past, and I told her she was right, but we need to see the whys and learn from that so we can move forward better. And she didn't say anything and left. But I know her and she thought about what I said.

I thought about her reaction as well and I REALLY TRIED TO PUT MYSELF IN HER SHOES. And I could see that there were things that happened that I could not explain to her at the time and I DID TRY TO NOT SHOW HOW MUCH I WAS SCARED ABOUT WHAT WAS GOING ON BETWEEN ME AND HER FATHER. At the time I did not want to make my issues her problems. But I guess to her, she could sense what was taking place and she felt left out and confused.

So the next time I saw her I said, "I want us to work this out and I do want you to know that I AM WILLING TO ACCEPT WHAT EVER PART I PLAYED THAT CONTRIBUTED TO YOUR FEELINGS THAT YOU HAVE EXPRESSED TO ME". And I also told her that I love her very much.

Now Special, I really did do a lot for her and I really do suffer from PTSD and I am not a mean person. And my daughter could read a book all about PTSD and my struggles, but she will not see it BECAUSE "SHE" IS HURTING TOO.

The reality is that it CAN become a WINING competition. And that would only drive us apart. I have to put MY PTSD ON HOLD AND BE A MOTHER AND "let her talk and LISTEN to what she feels".

I have been a member of PC for a little over a year now and I spent a LOT OF TIME READING AND LISTENING TO OTHERS HERE. And that whole time, I HAVE BEEN LEARNING. And the constant message I hear is "NO ONE LISTENS TO ME". Or, MY MOTHER DOESN'T HEAR ME, I CAN'T TALK TO HER, IT IS ALL ABOUT HER. And I think it is really sad but IT IS A COMMON REALITY.

Yes, I have struggled a lot myself, BUT I DON'T WANT TO BE THAT MOM THAT CANNOT SEE BEYOND HER OWN ISSUES. And my daughter has been going through a lot with her boyfriend, he is a binge alcoholic and she is making a decision that will most likely mean she will leave him. And when it was bad, SHE CAME HOME and I GOT TO BE HER MOM AGAIN, WHY? Because I LISTENED TO HER WHEN SHE EXPRESSED "HER" ANGER.

When we grow up in a family where NO ONE KNOWS HOW TO REALLY STOP, GET OUT OF THEIR OWN ISSUES AND JUST "LISTEN" then NO ONE IS CLOSE AND THERE IS NO REAL FAMILY. And what we learn is that WE ARE NOT IMPORTANT AND NO ONE WILL LISTEN TO US. So we don't know how to LET PEOPLE IN AND MAKE GOOD FRIENDS, HAVE RELATIONSHIPS AND REALLY RELATE TO OTHERS.

And often what is expressed is,Why do i bother?! I'm sick of all this!! I want out!! (could be triggering)

Something to think about.

Why was your grandmother the one that seemed to hold it all together? What did she give to you?
What did she manage to give to everyone that stopped the anger and the whinning?
I wonder if she even talked, I mean really talked about "her" problems?

I bet she was the ONLY ONE THAT GENUINELY LISTENED SO EVERYONE FELT HEARD.

Open Eyes

[roads]

(((((((iamspecial)))))))

i'm sick of all this, i'd rather be with her than be here right now!! All this hurt, all this arguements, all this being got at just isn't worth it anymore....i'm getting it from all angles and i'm sick of it!! I want out!!

I can follow what you've been through & know the pain that family rejection and ridicule causes--been there.
I can easily understand your prefering to be with your grandmother than here IRL with all the pain of reality.

In the agony of that fresh slash of non-caring from those who are supposed to care always, a lot of us would be ready to go for the "Stop the World--I Want to Get Off!" escape clause. Troube is, there isn't any.

Suicide? Well, yes. But what of your signature line?

Don't get caught up in what could be, instead appreciate what is. Appreciate what you have & who you have, because the future can take it away from you.

iamspecial is thinking....when all else fails....sit back...look at it....then re-think and start again

I don't know about you, but I said goodbye to what was left of my family. I got tired of their rejecting me, saying I'd killed my mother and such. I got tired of it all & just moved on. I found wonderful friends ... slowly ... imperfectly sometimes.

Now I have a tiny family of chosen friends. Life's worth getting up for most days, and with them along I stay up and even play some.

Or rant, a little bit. Occasionally.

I wish you well, whatever you decide.
Roadie

[Open Eyes]

Good post (((Roadie))),

Special you do have to sit back, look at it, and rethink, yes, but you also have to LEARN from what you are looking at as well.

Now Roadie is another example of someone who had to do just that and made a decision to walk away from the constant DRAMA too. But you also have to make sure that YOU DON'T TAKE THE DISFUNCTION WITH YOU.

Roadie LEARNED some things and one important thing learned was HOW TO LISTEN AND VALIDATE OTHERS. Somehow Roadie walked away from the family tradition of thinking "it has to be all about them". Roadie has friends here as well as IRL that is more of a functional family type, healthier atmosphere.

There ARE people out there IRL like your grandmother special. But in order to find them you have to make sure you don't take the family disfunction of the all about me drama with you.

Special, there are all kinds of people that exhibit the scars of NOT BEING HEARD in THEIR FAMILES YOU KNOW.

And it is AMAZING what people do to try to get to that place WHERE THEY FEEL HEARD. Some spend years in colleges getting an education so they can know so much so they can be heard. Some people are work aholics so they can have that mercedes or whatever is THE prestigeous car to have, THEY GOT TO HAVE IT SO THEY CAN BE HEARD.

Bullies? Oh, they are doing the bully thing because IT IS THE ONLY WAY THEY CAN BE HEARD. Most, if not all of them are NOT HEARD AT HOME YOU KNOW.

There is no short supply of people that come from disfunctional situations where THEY WERE JUST NEVER HEARD.

Special life is worth living, you just can't keep going to find that from people who don't know how to show you that and listen to you. And sadly often that is our families. You are not alone in that you know. You have to change course and the people around that you give your brain energy to thats all.

(((Hugs))))
Open Eyes

[unaluna]

So, special, what are you going to do with the rest of your life? It looks like you might have nothing and no one holding you back. That is lucky, in my book.

[bobbie b65]

Special,
Your grandmother spent her time, energy, love and compassion on you for a reason: because she knew you were worth it! Even though, and I'm so sorry, that she is gone from your world she is still watching and hoping that you rise above all this and move forward. You wouldn't want to let her down now, would you?

Most of us are products of messed up families and the best way to combat that stigma is to do a better job then our parents and siblings can do...that will really piss them off!

So wipe the crap you stepped in (family members) off the "souls" of your shoes and start your own life!

Take care,
bobbie b65

[TL]

Open Eyes: While every member on PC has the right to reply to posts, I must say I take exception to how/what you are saying to Special. I’ve known Special since the first day she came to PC. I have had the pleasure of seeing Special grow since then.

Posting is a very powerful tool for Special to release her feelings. Quite frankly, it’s the best thing for Special to do (considering I know what she’s more than capable of doing). What I take exception to is the fact that you are not only “lecturing” Special, you’re also being extremely condescending in your approach. There is no need to “shout” at Special by typing in all caps, especially since that’s considered rude.

Sometimes when we post, we get so carried away by our own emotions that our posts can get out of control. At times, it can be a bad thing for others. If you truly care about Special, you’ll stop posting on her posts. It’s doing more harm than good and that’s not good for Special.

[Open Eyes]

Hmm, TL, I am glad you brought my attention to that. I emphasize with caps and I certainly don't mean it as shouting, but you are right it could look that way and I do have strong emotions on a topic like this.

I am just coming down from being around my sister and she stands tall and overpowering in my mind and she is extremely condescending (big part of my PTSD that I am working on). She has been calling me a lot trying to do her old control methods and triggering me so I have been trying to hold strong and not play my old role with her.

Something to think about.

Open Eyes

[TL]

Thank you Open Eyes.

[iamspecial]

I will reply soon....just can't seem to right now. Thank you soooooooooooooooo much TL!!!! I didn't know/couldn't have put it in words. Thank you everyone for your reply's i will respond when i can right now i don't seem to be able too.

[gma45]

((((((((((((Special)))))))))))) Sometimes just getting your feeling out is enough, no response necessary. I want you to know you are not alone and people do care about how you are doing. Sometimes we have to find new family we can trust, I know that is what I have had to do after my Mom passed because like your Grandma she was the glue that held us together. I had to reach out to others, not family, to find some kind of peace. It's not the same but it does help me. I have tried to take the goodness that was my Mom and try to make it part of me, in turn I will be a better person because of her. I hope this makes a little sense as I am not very good at writing out things. Just try and remember you are loved here on earth and in spirit.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((((( special ))))))))))))))))

[Perna]

I would not carry on a conversation about someone else; I only converse one-on-one. I would have replied to brother's boyfriend, "Thank you for your concern for my brother, I imagine he appreciates it. But when I wish to talk to my brother I do it directly with him, not through someone else who did not share our family dynamics with us."