[indigo1015]

I just did something I had promised myself (and others) I'd never again do... I was feeling miserable, so I took at knife to my arm and made some cuts. I refuse to lie, it felt great... while I was cutting. Afterwards, I was horrified and extremely remorseful. What it comes down to is this: I know all of you have been telling me I need to love myself, but quite honestly, I CAN'T. Don't think I haven't tried. However, I can't love something that is simply unlovable - something no one else seems to love, something that fails constantly and never seems to make the grade. Could you love that? (Be honest.) I didn't think so. A lot of strange emotions and thoughts are going through my head - in addition to the rush, I am feeling very vindictive towards people who have treated me badly, such as my mom, doctors, guys who treated me to a one-night-stand and then never spoke to me again. I feel confused and tired yet exhilarated. I know what I did was wrong, and I feel badly about it, but I was sobbing into my pillows and writhing in bed before I did it. I don't want to do it ever again. It's times like these that I wish I had not been born. Before you tell me to see a therapist, I need you to know that I have one, back in New Jersey. I, however, am in the Midwest. Besides, right now, I have no money for a session. I feel so alone and bizarre right now, I wish I'd never, ever been born.

[kaliope]

Im not going to try to convince you different now because you are not in a place to hear it. Just tuck my words away somewhere for later. you are worthy of love and there is someone in your life who loves and cares about you.It just doesnt seem that way when you are hurting this bad. I care that you hurt enough to hurt yourself. I know what it likes to feel that way and it makes me sad that you have to hurt like that. If I could be there to hold you I would, even though I dont know you. You dont deserve to hurt like that. Nobody does. I know that hurt. Please take care of yourself.

[Leed]

Sweetie, why hate yourself for other peoples actions? Isn't THEIR problem? Isn't them who did the abusing? It isn't that you are unloveable -- it's that other people can be cruel for whatever reason!! Other people use others for their own reasons. And as for the things that you think you did wrong, don't you know that God forgave you the MINUTE you did them??? He knows you are sorry -- so if HE can forgive you, why can't you forgive yourself?

We can't help what other people do to us. I was abused as a child too, but I don't hate myself. I KNOW I didn't deserve it. And I don't deserve ANY abuse that I get NOW. Why should I?? I don't hurt anyone if I can help it -- and neither do YOU. You don't INTENTIONALLY hurt people, do you!!! So why should you deserve to be hurt by others? You DON'T.

You ARE loveable, just like me and anyone else! You ARE deserving of good things, just like me and anyone else. You are just as GOOD as me and everyone else.

There is an exercise that is a bit uncomfortable to do, but my psychologist made me do it LOL> She made me go to the mirror EVERY MORNING and look at myself and say : "I love you" until I meant it. Boy was THAT hard. It took several months until I fiinally GOT it.

Please dont cut anymore my friend. We're all here with you and care about you. God bless & take care. Hugs, Lee

[ktbelle373]

Hi sweetie, you are hurting so bad right now and im so sorry, i have been in your shoes, i cut for many years and now i live with really bad scars that make me regret what i did, i hope you never cut again. I dont want you to have to live with sad reminders on your skin. I care about you, im here for you, please keep yourself safe, take it one day at a time, i know things will get better for you just try to hang in there.

[Open Eyes]

((ktbelle))),

Unlovable? Ok, how about thinking about this another way instead of labeling yourself that way.

Say a family goes out and gets a puppy and brings it home. At first the puppy is cute and cuddly but it grows up and depends on whomever owns it to teach it "how" to be a part of the family and have manners and it also depends on that family for excercise and love. But the family doesn't like that it chews as it's teeth are coming in and it just pees when it needs to and it runs around the house wanting to stretch it's growing muscles. The family is too busy to "train" the puppy and take it for walks as well and the puppy ends up stuck in the garage all day and barely gets loved or trained and whenever it doesn't magically just know how to behave, it is beaten and abused. IS THAT PUPPY UNLOVABLE?

Every day so many animals are abused and neglected, DOES THAT MEAN THEY ARE UNLOVABLE?

I have recued several horses/ponies over the years and often they were neglected and abused because no one invested any time in them to train them etc. It never meant they were "unlovable" because once I rescued them and spent time training them, THEY WERE VERY LOVABLE. But I have seen many horses abused over my years of being around them, and IT WAS ALWAYS BECAUSE OF THE ABUSIVE PEOPLE THAT OWNED THEM and never the animal's fault.

What about all the children that are in the system with no parents? For one reason or another they were left to fend for themselves from the time they were born, DOES THAT MEAN THESE CHILDREN WERE UNLOVABLE? If an unborn child is developing in the womb of a drug addicted mother, IS THAT CHILD UNLOVABLE?

You have to understand something here, THERE ARE LOTS OF PEOPLE WHO ARE DISRESPECTFUL OF OTHERS AND THEY JUST DON'T CARE. The people that you have experienced in your life were people who were ignorant and they never learned how to respect other people. There are a lot of people out there that "ONLY CARE ABOUT THEMSELVES". And this doesn't mean that "you" are unlovable.

BUT, before you go and decide to "hate" other people, remember the puppy that "never got trained" because that is what happens with a lot of people too. We have lots of children that do not get nurtured right, and many people that "are disrespectful" grew to be that way because they "lacked training like the puppy that was locked up in the garage". And it has nothing to do with "you being lovable" and everything to do with others just not knowing how to respect and love others.

We are all deserving of love, you are no exception. But you are not being fair to yourself if you judge your self worth because of the people you have encountered that are ignorant and just don't know how to love and respect others.

So what do you do? You learn how to love and respect "you" and you "rise above" knowing that you "are every bit as lovable and a puppy, or a pony or even a child that can be neglected even though they are worthy of being loved". You have to begin with "loving yourself" and "learning how to take care of yourself correctly and then you can share that with others". But you have to understand, there are a lot of people who simply do not know how to love and respect anyone and often they were just never taught themselves.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes