I hurt someone with words,selfishness,and so much more, and I am so sorry...........

As I sit here tonight, my heart is completely broken, not for myself but for someone that meant the world to me. How does one find words to express what I did and caused to someone who gave all she had, loved me unconditionally, cared more than I ever deserved, and who I through my own doubts and fears, my insecurities and even jealousy caused too much hurt to mend. I was selfish and I thought if my own problems more than I thought of hers. I failed her as a friend, I failed myself because I could not understand or get that she was there and really cared.

I know that because of my abuse I struggled so hard with believing anyone can love me or care about me at all. I do not love myself so how can I love anyone else. Those within that were to be sure that no one ever got close or stayed pushed so hard and said many hurtful things that cut her down and punched to the core. But they were not the only ones for I was just a guilty as they were. I did not even realize what I was doing in all the pushing and pulling I alone did. But I really hurt someone and caused them to need to protect themselves and wore them down until there is nothing left.

Because I could not love myself, I could not see their love. I never knew love or care and I wanted it so bad that I smothered it out, and now it is gone. I deserve this and I will not make any excuses for how I was because I kept pushing it away afraid of it and knew it could never be for me, so I did this myself. She could not have loved me anymore than she did but I could not get that, I could never feel it because I blocked that part of myself out and never allowed it to reach me.

Because I blocked it out and never allowed it to get to me, I sabotaged the only real love that was there. So many little’s within thought of her as a mother, they wanted her to be their mother, but the truth is I wanted her to be my mother. But she could never be that. I wanted to be a real part of her family, somehow that would make it so that she would never leave me, but that was something that could never be. I was a real part of her family, I see that now but it is too late. I never knew what a family was and when it was right in front of my face I could not see it. Greed gets you nowhere. I was not thankful enough for what I had staring me right in the face.

She loved me un-conditionally, it was me that put the conditions on it. Even though I did not realize this until now I really did. I feared that when she helped someone else she was forgetting me, and I often was jealous of that. Jealousy is an awful thing that will destroy a relationship faster than anything. I did not realize it was jealousy until I had to face that I hurt her with words. I was abusive and just because that is all I have ever known, did not give me the right to be that way to her. Yes, those within that pushed so many times to make her go away were awful, but so was I. I did not mean to be but the truth is I was.

She gave and gave all she had but I failed to give back the same. I was selfish in always being stuck in myself, so afraid of life, that I could not even see that I was selfish. But I truly was. I was not there for her when she needed me to be the most; I failed her and our friendship greatly. It was always about me, so selfish, so immature. I wish I could have seen this before now but I did not. I did not think of her feelings not as much as mine. I did not see her hurting because I was too wrapped up in my own hurt to even notice most of the time. That is not a friend and it was so wrong.

In my mind I cared so much but I did not show it, not enough. I wanted to be more than I could be to her. I wanted her to make me better. I did not look at her as a t but I leaned way too much on her and was not there for her to lean on when she really needed someone. I failed her in so many ways that I did not even see. And now that I realize that it is too late. She was always there, always, but I did not see it. I did not think that she cared because she did not tell me when I thought she should. I feared that when she did not reach out to me she did not love me when the truth was she needed me to reach out to her and to be there for her. It was always all about me and not about her; I was so wrong.

When I got triggered I expected her to know and to come and give me a hug. She could not read my mind and she could not know that I was triggered. My fears kept me locked unable to reach out to her so that expectation that she would reach to me was there. But it was not her responsibility to know what I needed, and it was not her responsibility to make me feel better. I knew where she was and all I had to do was reach out and ask for a hug, it was always right there. But I was so afraid to believe her and that I meant anything to her, so instead I expected her to know. I was so wrong.

I was so afraid of anger but yet my anger always came out at her, whether someone within or myself. I was too blind too see it, too afraid to admit it, and too ashamed to look at it. But it was. It was not her fault what happened to me; it was not her responsibility to understand that. It was mine. Because I could not forgive myself for what I have done to myself I took it out on someone that was trying with all they had to help me and to show me real love for the first time. Because I was so afraid I fought the very thing I longed for, the very thing I never knew, and I pushed it away.

I am not feeling like a good person tonight. I do not deserve to be heard, or even supported. I did not see this about myself until I had to see it as she was turning away. She had every right to turn away. She took so much and I did not even see it. I will never deserve another chance for I destroyed our friendship. My selfishness and inability to see her hurt and her needs made such a hole that there is no repairing it. The constant push/pull that I did, I have no one to blame but myself.

My fear to talk to her caused so much, and I often expected her to know and to pull it out of me, but that was not her job, it was mine. Fear does something to you but that is no excuse to what I have done. Even though I did not realize what I was doing, I should have, somewhere I should have. I know she said it many times, I just did not get it. It was what I lived through my whole life, all I ever knew, but that is no excuse. For years now I have been shown love, understanding, care, and everything that I wanted so much, but somewhere I did not get it and I certainly did not give it back, not the way it was needed.

I cry because I know that I did this and I deserve to what has happened. I know in my heart that it was not done knowingly, but it was done none the less. I can never make up to her what I have done. Never. I feel so broken, lost and really terrified tonight. I need to let her go because I owe that to her. And even though it hurts so much it is not anything of the hurt that she is feeling, and I caused it. Not just the programmed parts within me but me. I want more than anything for her to be happy, even if that means without me in her life. That hurts to say that because I really do love her in the only way I know how to, but I did not show it and I hurt her.

I failed her as a friend, as a person, and as me. I never meant to but I did and I will not make any excuses for this. I really do care about her, and I do care how she feels. I wish she knew that I am really so sorry. I caused it all, I did. Those within are me, and I and only I am responsible. I cannot make this right because the hurt is too deep and it has hurt her more than anything. I expected too much, and I gave too little. I have not only hurt her but I have hurt myself and those within. I lost someone that really tried so hard to love me and care. She gave her all, it was me that could not see it or give it back. I tried but I failed. I did that. No one else. I did.

The saddest part is I really did not realize what I was doing, and even though she told me many, many times, I could not see it or hear it. I feel so broken and lost without her. I know that I can go on but it hurts. I never even felt one hug in the years I’ve known her because of my fear of touch. She tried to help me with that but I could not get it. Lilly always stepped in to get the hugs, and now I will never know what one feels like. She was safe, she was good, she was giving, never selfish, and she loved us un-conditionally; she was so much and I lost it all because of me. I hurt, but I know that my hurt is not nearly the hurt she is feeling. I failed her so badly. I did.

She did everything she could to help me, never wavering, never judging, never expecting anything just wanting me to get well. I was the one that expected too much and did not give anything back to her until I depleted her. I do not think I can ever be a real friend to anyone until I can be a friend to myself. I have allowed my past to break me yet again, to be selfish and uncaring, and to be blind to it all. I know that I cannot get things because my brain is wired so wrong, but the truth is that is no excuse for how I was and treated her. It was not all about me but it is too late now.

I will always love her, I will always pray for her, but the best thing I could do for her is let go. I don’t how to because I do not want her to leave. But what right do I have after what I have done to her? Yes, I caused this, I did, and I am so sorry. But it is too late. I can never make this right, it's too late. They will never see this, but I am so sorry and I wish I could somehow change this. But I know that I can't. But I really do love them with all I know of love. This is really hurts, but I deserve the hurt for the hurt I have caused my friend...................................................................................

dps

Would it be too late to print this out & get it to her somehow?
So sorry you are hurting.
(((hugs)))

This made. Me cry but I believe in hope I think you should print this out too and give her sounds like my story with my friend, I. Got hurt but not his fault, he's struggling with something, I love him always and I'm not foil g anywhere, I suspect lily prob still loves you, give her a chance

This made me cry too. If my ex gf wrote something similar to me, I'd be back at her side instantly. She never explained the parts of her that hurt so bad. She just walked away. Part of me will always wait for her and give her a second chance to help me understand. Perhaps it's the same with Lilly too. If you can find the strength to tell her the truth x

Yes, it is a very lovely story, you could try Lilly read this. All this you are telling here...

I'm so sorry that you are hurting so badly. It is a big step to realize that you have done this thing. If you show her the letter you wrote she will be able to see that you are aware and that you truly want to change. She will see that you love her. Give it a try.

I agree that you should print this out and give it to everyone involved. I don't know WHO could not forgive you after reading this. This is truly from the heart.

She'd have to be very hard hearted to not forgive you after reading this. She must not have understood your whole background for her to leave. If she knew it all, I have a feeling she MIGHT have stayed -- but I might be wrong.

Anyway -- give her this and let her read it. She just might come back. God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

Thank you all for your support. I wanted to let you all know that we have worked everything out and I did share this with her. One thing that I have to say is that at times I can be hard to love and understand. I can at times feel so much that has nothing to do with her and it comes out the wrong way. It is something that I am working hard to change as at times when a memory comes I put up a wall to protect myself when there is no need to put up that wall now.

I am trying hard to not put those that are not my abusers in that place but I often fail and my fear takes over where it does not belong. I should not say fail but rather I fall short because I have always had to. This is something that I am slowly learning and I have found that I am getting quicker at recognizing this than I used to be.

She has a big heart that is always giving and I know that she loves me and really cares. I cannot point any fingers at her because I know that this was something that I had to deal with and I had to learn for myself. She is not perfect but this one was on myself and something that I needed to look at and to face.

One thing I can say is that being honest with myself as to what I was doing and what was going on was a good thing. Being honest with myself made it possible for me to open up to her and to be really honest with her, and for me to make needed changes in myself. Something I never could have said just even a year ago. I did not even realize what it was.

I am walking slowly through this healing and it has not been easy. My heart is very protected and I am very scared. Being DID makes it often even harder for there are parts of myself I do not even know, parts of myself that often lash out or act out out of fear and all that they know, all they were taught to do. I am slowly getting this and understanding for the first time the depth of all that my abusers did and the lengths they went to to carry this out through other parts of myself.

But I know somewhere inside that if I am not honest with myself no one can help me. It is not someone's job to make me better but mine, and something I really am searching for the answers to how to change what was brainwashed into me so long ago. Sometimes it is not easy to look at what is within myself but it is those times I stop and really look at what is going on that I can then and only then change.

If one person has stood by me through it all it has been her and she knows the truth that sometimes I do not even see myself. She has never been hard- hearted but has stood silently many times waiting for me to come to see the truths that for so long have blinded me to what I could not see. When someone lives in lose/lose situations all their life not even realizes the lose/lose situations were there, sometimes all someone can do is just wait for you to see it.

I am not blaming myself but I am willing to stop and to look deep within myself because to be honest I was not wired right. Things were never as they should have been, wired to believe the lies and lose/lose situations I was placed in, and because of that I very often cannot see what is right there because it is all I have ever known. It feels like my whole life was nothing but a lie, a set up to never know the truth. In reality it really was.

But my abusers did not see that their own lies would fall apart and the strength that I really had through all parts of myself inside would help me find out the truth as hard as it is, and that we would not give up no matter how hard it gets. Something I did not even see myself for I did not even see the strength that kept me going all these years.

But I am moving slowly in healing as fear still often rules my life and takes over even before I realize it. I did finally step up to receive a hug the other day from my friend myself, something I had not allowed myself to have since I was a child. That part of myself that is Lilly always took the hugs that I was too afraid to feel for hugs always hurt, touch always hurt.

I went through something just these last few days, and still am, that made that one hug after all these years seem like it never really happened, I pushed away again and I shut myself off as the memory took over once again unable to allow myself to be hugged out of a fear that still lives deep inside me. I even once again reacted out of that fear of the pain of touch and that feeling of abandonment when the truth was I was the one that pulled away.

I still have not been able to take the hug myself but I did allow Lilly to step in again and get the hug we so needed. Our reaction once again hurt someone but it was not that person's fault but our fear that still is great and reacts when we feel scared and are in a memory. Our reaction was not what was wrong it was in putting on someone else our reaction when that is not where it belonged. I guess the good thing is that we now see this (I now see this)and it does not make it okay but I can see it for what it is a lot faster than I ever have seen it before and can make it right by saying I am sorry.

Fear does something to someone that was raised in a fear based atmosphere for their whole life, and is part of the very person you have become. But I am seeing that slowly it can be changed, not always, but at least is getting easier to see it for what it is and how I often react; as are other parts of myself also. Many within have not been able to get this yet, they are still locked in a time that has not moved, they do not know yet that we have grown up and are now in a safe place or at least safe if we work together to keep us safe.

But many within have began to get this and now there is more co-consciousness than we have ever had and we can see things now or at least faster now than ever before. I am just grateful for that and for my own ability to see and learn now what I never knew or was taught or even told about as a child. And I am blessed to have those in my life now that help me to see things I never knew but are also at times teaching me to learn for myself what I need to learn, and it is in those times I can change because it is myself changing for me.

So again thank you for your support, your words, and hugs. They really meant more than you know and it helped get me through a really rough time. I am not against myself but I have learned a lot through this and that is a good thing as hard as it was. I am really thankful for the ability to see things now that I never have been able to see and I know that as long as I keep being honest with myself I can keep moving forward. Healing is not easy when life has always been a lie, but it is not impossible if I take it one step one second if I have to at a time.

dps

Dps, I'm writing this on my phone so apologies for typos etc. I noted in your original post how you blamed yourself, that comes from the abuser. Do you think that now the littles within feel safe enough to 'act out' with your friend? I remember when my first born child was about 4 and the nursery teacher said she was an angel. I told the teacher how she was very demanding and moody and naughty at home. The teacher said to me, well if she can't be naughty at home, where can she be?! You see, you are allowed to be you with your friend. Treasure her. You are ok.

(((Pegasus))))

Thank you. Yes, I do believe that my littles feel safe enough now to let out what they are feeling. But I do feel it was myself who was wrong in how I was reacting and that I really needed to see what I was feeling that I could not see. I too think that I feel safe enough to let out things around my friend, but truth is she did not deserve how I was reacting for whatever the reason.

I think because I respect her and what she feels is important to me that for myself I was not taking her feelings into account. Maybe that was because I hurt so bad and to be honest I thought I was, but I really was not. I wanted to but I think that from my abuse and my protecting my heart, I was not able to really see what I was doing. I am really glad that I could finally see and make things right.

You are right, it did come from my abuser, but I want to take responsibility for what I do and change what my abusers have ingrained within me. I think that I have figured out that I take whatever feelings I am having from the past and because I am too afraid to really feel them I pull something in from the present to feel instead, putting more of the feelings from the past in the present situation so that the past does not hurt so much.

My fear of my emotions and the fact that I still feel so afraid to have any emotions makes it more difficult and feeling the past emotions that I, and all within, have hidden away for safety for so long often feels as though I am not going to come back or that I will lose my mind, the emotions get caught in what is now, making it come out to present things.

I do not know if that makes sense for I am having trouble writing my own thoughts out today. Something within is pulling me hard today. It often feels when I am onto something this happens as if I am not supposed to be getting this. But I know that I do tend to blame myself a lot, because I was always blamed and that became a real part of myself to the point I did not know any different.

It became easier to just accept the blame than to even try to think of any other way or truth to what was going on. To be honest I could not see any other truth for that was my truth. So often I still do blame myself. But I am beginning to see glimpses of times when it is really something that I need to make right and face, not all the time, but when I do I want to be able to take that responsibility and make right what is wrong.

You are right though that I still see from the lies and lose/lose situations most times. It is really hard at times to know and that self blame and hate is still right there. I really appreciate what you said, and I do understand. You are right that I have a right to be myself with my friend and yes she does love me more than I will ever deserve. I do treasure her and I just want to try my hardest to do the right thing and to change what I can of what is ingrained within myself through all parts of myself.

As painful as this is it is changing slowly. I am trying to forgive myself for hating me, I am not there yet but closer than I have ever been before. Some days it is not as hard as other days when those old tapes begin to play and sometimes at a volume I cannot turn down or off. When that silent scream is all I can hear.

I really appreciate what you said Pegs, thank you. I will work on that though, and try to hold onto that when those old tapes begin to scream again.

dps

When I was reading this I was deeply touched! Your words could have come from my heart almost verbatim!! Only the name would have changed. I wish I had the strength that you have and maybe my divorce wouldn't have been final three weeks ago. Seeing your struggle have a breakthrough is inspiring to me and gives me hope. I believe that you can overcome what is holding you back and be the person you need to be for her and yourself!

((((80vette))))

Thank you. Just wanted you to know that I hear you and I can relate. When I got divorced, I had no idea of what was wrong. I did not have any co-consciousness, and to be honest even though I had been diagnosed DID I do not know what all I put my ex or my children through. I have no memory and I now see that I lost so much time. I often feel so bad and lost at that time of my life, and I wished that I knew then what I have come to realize and know now. It might not have saved my divorce but it would have made so much more sense.

I do remember some things and it was not always good, yes even abusive at times, but I always have in the back of my mind the question if I caused it somehow and I can see how hard it must have been for him and my children. My fears are now beginning to make more sense to me as I open myself to what lies within. I am a long way from healing but I am working hard to try to. For me, this has not been easy, seeing myself and what abuse has done and the things ingrained within me that I never even realized.

I never realized it because I left myself, dissociated to make it through, and the pain and fear kept me far away from my own memories that are there but through other parts of myself. Those within did for me what I could not do for myself. Somewhere I wanted to survive. I am not sure why because sometimes I now feel I want to end as I face my life and what happened. I guess in all of us is the survival state, even when I did not and do not feel it.

My strength I am unsure where it comes from except that I do not want to let them (my abusers) win or take any more of my life than they already have. It is not easy, and when I finally saw what I was doing to my friend, I really felt horrible and I had to try to make it right. It was not easy to tell her, I was really terrified. But I have to say that in that terror I was able to see what I did not like and I could also see the truth. Sometimes the truth of what I see really hurts, and even though it comes from my past abuse, I do not want it to rule me anymore.

I am sorry that you have gone through a divorce. Please know that you are not alone. And that there is hope, sometimes it just takes a long while to get there. My fight for myself is far from over but I am one step closer than I have ever been. I do validate you and your feelings. Most days I have to take it one second at a time. You can too and know that we are here for you and will listen.

Thank you again for what you said. I do hope that through my own struggles, somehow I can help someone else. As hard as it is we are all on this healing path and with one another we can get through this. Slowly and one day, one step, often one second at a time, but if we keep searching for the truth and keep reaching even when it is hardest, we can do it.

dps

(((dps))),

You have been struggling to finally get "in touch" with yourself as a person. You were challenged and you just didn't know "how" to do that in your past. You have been slowly learning about yourself and growing. I think that the fact that you have realized that you responded poorly to a friend was another "learning" step in you and another step towards "growth" as well.

I think that you have come a long way (((dps))) and you are finally taking steps away from the person who was surviving as a victim to a person who is finally growing past that "victim" mentality. So everytime you can stop and see these "difficult" areas, you grow. I have been working at this myself, so I know it is a challenge and it does take time. I am sure your friend will see this in you as well, especially if it is a friend who has also been working though some issues her/himself.

We can only grow if we get to a point where we can see something is not right in ourselves. You have been doing really well with this so keep giving yourself permission to keep "growing".

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes