Different form of Negative Thinking & possible change of friends?

My negative thoughts come in the form of discouraging remarks made by my friends. I guess my issues are two problems fused into one: Negative thoughts and poor friendships. The thoughts can come as voices or little movies played in my head;and it's incessant. It could be of the past (previous interactions played differently to my liking) or of the future (potential conflicts that may happen purely out of worry and insecurity). A majority of these thoughts are imaginary yet are consistent with the real nature of my interactions with my friends.

You see, they're REALLY REALLY passive aggressive people. We don't have conversations anymore...it's all subtle put-downs, patronizing remarks, and antagonizing view-points. I must admit I've done/do that as well but only to a certain degree. I know when and when not to and it seems that at times (pretty much all the time lately) they just keep drilling me with undermining remarks.

I want to describe them to you so you'll have an idea of what I'm dealing with here. They are VERY VERY "cliquey." It's a close circle of friends. If you've ever gone to the mall and see 15-20 friends walking together, that's them (and we're 26-28yrs old for crying out loud!!). They talk about their friends and others behind their back. They knock the success of others. They glorify occupational status and look-down on anything less than their "standards." Judgemental as you can imagine and tend to alienate individuals for their differences. These are not all that they are...just the issues that I have with them. I know there is good in them but unfortunately for myself I just can't see too much of it at the moment...I'm too distraught.

We ALL know to not let this get to us but it's easier said than done. This ***** haunts my mind 24/7! I just can't seem to get past this. Because it's on my mind, I think I just attract more of this ***** to me (LOA...you know what I'm talking about). It's really put a dent in my ambitions, esteem, work, goals, you name it...The thoughts are so freaking clever too. Scenario: Negative thought(friends voice) pops up, I recognize it, Replace it with a positive thought or affirmation, then I hear my friends voice refute that. There are several other different scenarios but it's usually this back-and-forth type of battle in my mind.

Yes, I've read Peale's book among others along with countless articles and techniques that claim to stop negative thinking to little avail. So now that you know that my negative thoughts are fueled by real events, how can I effectively deal with them? In addition, what's the best way to confront my friends when they passively put me down? Do's & Don'ts? Anything...

Thanks for taking the time to read this. Any help will be sincerely appreciated.

(((MikeyM)))

Not sure if I can offer much, or what i may offer is really helpful to you.

These are your friends, they do "playing around" with joking and put downs, disrespecting comments it sounds like........

Guess first, need to state that a True Friend to me is someone that cares about me, about my emotions, if I have been hurt and cares about my well being.... as I do with them.

At any rate, if these are True Friends- If you are Bothered By What They do, and it is tearing you up inside, and helping to fuel these negative thoughts--- Then it should be ok to share that with them, maybe tone it down a bit.......

If they are not True Friends, and if you told them and it is suspected that they would just haze you more---- I think you need to think of your self, and what your needs are and what you need to do to better your life.

I don't want to go into a whole boring story of me-- but really the people and environment you are around, can really help lift your thoughts to a more positve, and feel better about yourself as well; or they can help crush what good you do see inside and help really lead down a dark path within.

Constantly being dragged through the mud by others, and then you too doing the same, due to "that's just how it is"-- I hope a little part of you realizes, it does not have to be that way. It is a choice to do that.

And if you are doing things that make you feel bad (like if you don't get a kick out of putting people down)--- Please think of that.... It is not really healthy for one's self to just go with what the crowd does if it does not seem true to your own soul.

"Re-examine all that you have been told... dismiss that which insults your soul. Walt Whitman"

It sounds like a big group too-- perhaps, if some are true friends or enlighten of their actions and behaviors enough to take care of what they are doing to their friend (you), just hang out with those friends.



I wish you well-- sorry for the ramble,

beauflow,

That was definitely NOT a ramble...I found it to be concise. Thank you. I think you nailed it with the Whitman quote. There are many times where my heart/soul/emotions whatever you wanna call it just aches at some of the things they say. I know I should accept everyone for who they are but does that mean I must tolerate them or anyone for that matter?

And you're right - they are a big group of people and there are a few, maybe only two, that I consider true friends that I can go to for anything; and I will always continue to be there for them no matter what. I know I must leave this group for the sake of my sanity but I want to do it with a clear mind...absent of resentment, judgement, and anger. That way I can at least be confident and assured that I made the best decision for myself and others.

If there are any words or direction that you or anyone else can provide that will help me towards gaining clarity...I would greatly appreciate it.

Thanks again

Hey MickeyM,

I have been in a very similar situation before. It took me a few years to realize what was happening, and it's only in the last few months that I'm starting to do something about it. I know it's hard, as these people are your friends, but I think, kind of like what beauflow said, you need to consider what a real friend is and decide who those people are. It sounds like you know. The majority of the friends I had in college that are still geographically near me do that all the time (I am just about 24, but most of them are 26). Last semester I was hanging out with a bunch of them, and all they could do was talk negatively and put down this one other friend who had decided not to come because he was in a bad mood and didn't want to dampen the party and just needed time to himself. It was really juvenile and telling of just how those people can be. One of these friends in particular does almost nothing but try to mold things in his favor, being super judgemental about everyone else and really treating me poorly in specific, though he never understood that he was. Sometimes they don't know or realize the way they're acting. The best thing to do, as I'm coming to realize, is to either stop interacting with them altogether or, if you are like me and find that difficult to impossible, slowly start to change who you spend your time with and who you talk to. Go to those few healthy, true friends. If you're in the group setting, that's ok, have your conversations with those friends. I know I didn't have a lot to offer here, but I hope it was a little helpful, at least to know that this happens to other people too.

TinySparrow

(((MikeyM and TinySparrow)))

it is hard to leave groups that we have grown accustom to, people who we think are friends. I think if we invested time into the "bonding" even if it was small amount, to others--I would imagine, it will be a little emotional to leave a group for the better of ourselves.

MikeyM-
Like absent of resentment, judgement and anger is this of yourself with others, or others towards you?

Only you can control what you do/think and not others, and others will think, judge and have emotions how ever they do....

TinySparrow hit something that was very true for me--
With the realization of that it can help that some people that do the things that are mentioned here, do have their own issues- and that is on them- and they may not realize that they are doing what they do, or they may well full realize it but not sure why they do it (if that makes any sense). Some times it helps with "judgement on others". coupled with just wishing them well (it can be hard with some) but wishing them well to get better for themselves.....

Anger and other emotions-- I don't mean to sound really all feely here, but I think a point of "grieving" will occur with leaving a group or people.. but that is just my opinion. People don't like to loose people, weather that be in the sense of gone forever, or taking different paths.

Think Tiny Sparrow has some good suggestions-...... slowly detach, ...

Some times though, that does not work-- and I really do hope that works for both you--- but some times ya just gotta leave.

Main thing is--- DO what is right for you, with your situation.

I do hope you both well--- it is very hard, especially with people that you see/saw as friends-- because there is a connection there, despite all the things that may be negative

You are talking about a large group of people that are just plain "shallow" and the only contribution they can make is to "put others down". I can't blame you for having so many negetive messages in your mind, there is no way to "change" these other people when you are around them. Basically that is really what your brain keeps telling you.

It is much better to have one or two "productive positive and adventurous friends" then a group like this that "peck at each other like chickens". It is mindless and that is what your brain is troubling over. Time to break away and get into your own space and develope yourself more, this way you can break the cycle of negetive unproductive thoughts they push at you.

Open Eyes

beauflow,

I want to be free of any negative emotions (judgement, resentment, anger) against them. Somewhat hypocritical of me, right? Here I am complaining about them when I'm the one with anger and such towards them. I recognize and accept my mistakes but can't help to realize WHERE my negative emotions and thoughts are coming from. This is not to say that they are the source, but I'm beginning to realize that the relationships I share with them are no longer tolerable. I support them in all that they do but we are growing in two totally different directions in life...different perspectives, objectives, and priorities. I'm not asking for a carbon copy of myself, just friends who can support and understand where I coming from.

Open Eyes,

Thank you for your perspective. That's very assuring because that is exactly how I feel. I think my brain just wants the best for me and is and will continue to remind me to move on with my life and surround myself with more like-minded individuals.

TinySparrow,

You did have a lot to offer...the fact that you're going through a similar situation shows it.

The situation with your friend not attending the party is a mirror image of what my friends do as well. If one person can't make it, they'll rag on him even if the reason why he can't go is justified. There is very little acceptance and not enough 'space' between us.

Some people severely overdo the jokes to the point where it's no longer funny anymore. It's the same with sarcasm and other forms of wit. People think they can just throw idioms around because they see it on tv but in reality they have no sense of style or restraint. Sarcasm is supposed to be like salt - sprinkle just a little every now and then to add flavor. But if you add to much you only taste the salt. Who wants to eat salt?

You either put your foot down and get them to lay off or you make new friends. All this "Big Bang Theory" is making people annoying...

I don't think it's a bad show but people try too hard to emulate it when it's a dramatization.

*UPDATE: I confronted my friends!!

Forgot to post this earlier but here it goes...

Two nights ago (Sunday night) I stopped by a local bar for a friends birthday. To no surprise, some of my friends from the group were there as well. I said my "Hi's" to them then I kind of did my own thing - socialized with the locals and tried to avoid them without making it obvious.

Prior to arriving there, I talked to one of my friends (one that I have no problem with) on the phone and sensed that he wanted to talk to me about something...I was right. When we got to the bar, he pulled me aside and simply stated, "dude, what the hell is going on with you lately?" We talked and I guess during their snowboarding trip that weekend they had a talk about me and expressed some concerns. After our lil talk I pulled all of them aside so I can tell them how I feel. I was pretty nervous and expected them to belittle my issues and not take me seriously.

Surprisingly they all, except one, reciprocated pretty well! They didn't dispute many of my statements and just really wanted to know why I feel like this. One friend in particular NEVER takes anything serious and this is the first time he showed some compassion and interest with my or any issue for that matter. Another friend seemed to get a lil sad when I openly stated, "I just don't think I can hang out with you guys anymore." I really thought this was going to turn into an argument but it went in to opposite direction. I was very and still am shocked at how things went down.

We ended the talk on a good note and I think we're all on the same page now. This was the first time I openly expressed how I feel to such a large group of people...it felt great! Doing this just took a huge weight off my shoulder and gave me some piece of mind. While it appears we're on good terms, I know that I must still move on and find more like-minded individuals. The only difference now is that I can make that decision with a clear conscious and slowly detach from them without having any resentment or anger towards them

quite a bit of my old friends were negative. i had a friend who dropped me because i didn't come from a good family as she wanted a future hubby and great friends who came from great families, she was so into the whole stereotype of the house and white picket fence.

ive had friends who were not there for me but i was there for them. i want a new set of friends and my therapist said subconsciously we attract those we dont want to attract and she feels that is what i am doing but not aware of doing it.

I can see where your therapists is coming from. If we concentrate on the things we DON'T want, we tend to get more of it. I guess I or we need to focus on the things we DO want.

I have friends who think the same way...white picked fence, 2.5 children, home in the suburbs. It used to irritate me. I'm not the type to conform to society's standards. In time I've learned to accept their ideologies and even see the positives things in them. What I will not tolerate, however, is their snot-nose attitude to the contrary. If that's what they do, so be it. I just don't have to be around it anymore...and that's my choice.

Funny...I've always believed in the things I've just said but haven't exemplified it lately. As I am typing this I feel that I 'materialize' my thoughts - kind of making it more of a reality for me rather than a theory of some sort. Hah wow, typing things out really help!

Sometimes that happens with people. But everyone deserves to have friends that build them up, not tear them down. We become like the people we hang around, it's just the way it is. And beyond that, if you're told lies or negative things about yourself often enough, even when they're untrue, you will begin to believe them, and that's not right either. If you don't like how things are and it is a problem for you, then by all means you should do something to change it. This was a hard decision for me to come to as well, and ultimately, no matter what anyone else tells you that you should do, you have to be the one to make that final decision and determine what it is you want and what you think is best for you. Until it becomes your choice, you'll likely end up in the limbo of "it's really not that bad" for a while, making excuses for their behavior or your decisions/indecision regarding them. But when you can't pretend things are different anymore, when it's crystal clear that you are involved in destructive relationships (if you decide that you are), then you will see that things need to change, and taking action to change them will become easier. The limbo land is the hardest, when you're not sure what to do, what the right thing to do is. Take your time figuring out what you need to do. I stand by what I said earlier, just try to spend more time with those you consider real friends and less time with those who are so negative. It's a way to start.

And now that I read the new post...Congratulations on talking with your friends! That takes a lot of courage, and I know it's difficult, but I'm sure you feel better about yourself and the situation for doing it. I hope things will continue to get better!

Thanks everyone for your support and your insight. It's truly reassuring that others, be it complete strangers, can be supportive in ones life.

the friends i had who were negative got the nerve to tell me to stop being negative. yea, how does a negative person tell another negative person to stop being so negative? such an oxymoron. i also told my therapist about making new friends is now scary to me as it never was in the past because of being unemployed who wants to hang with an unemployed person that u feel u have to pay for them all the time?

i said i dont know many unemployed having or keeping friends it seems as long as ur employed with money flowing in u will get friends.