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#1
Jan 26, 2013, 03:49 AM
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I am ok during the day. I can kinda cope with myself. But as soon as I get home. My depression multiplies by a million. I feel hopeless and dead. I don't even feel like blinking. I just want to fall asleep and never wake up. I don't want to die. But I want to be dead... I don't even know what I mean... But that's how I feel.
I don't want to eat ever again... Or I want to eat everything and hope something kills me... It's like my mind's goal is to ruin my life. WHAT I WANT is to go to the hospital and just tell them everything that is going on. I want to tell them about everything. WHAT HAS TO HAPPEN is I will have to get up, get dressed, work, go to school, work, come home, work, get ready for bed, lay in bed, then get up and do it again... Some days I'm talking about college and my business and how I'm going to be the next American idol and how I'm going to be famous and how I'm going to be up there next to Albert Einstein and George Washington and Mark Twain.... And other days I attempt suicide. I can barely get myself to walk to the bathroom when I have to pee. I just want to disappear. I don't know what to do... I'm just stuck... I don't want to be like this any more. I love being happy, except I have too much on my mind... And I hate being depressed like this........ All I want is to be in a hospital, talking to people who understand, and being taken care of. Without my family.... But I can't have that. . Last edited by GirlOfManyFaces; Jan 26, 2013 at 04:09 AM. |
 Hatter08, yellowted
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#2
Jan 26, 2013, 04:47 AM
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I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I wish I had some more consolation for you but I really just felt the need to let you know that we're here to listen and feel free to vent about what's bothering you. Maybe you have something you can do to help distract your mind from thinking about all of these things?
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#3
Jan 26, 2013, 04:56 AM
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Quote:
The only thing that helped calm me down was sleeping meds. And that didn't even go well. I tried to kill myself with them..... I just need a break from myself |
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#4
Jan 26, 2013, 08:40 AM
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I understand what you are saying as i feel this way very often and hate how i feel at home, i am mentally ok when i have things to do, and going about them no one would think mu mental state was anything but normal or good, but it is like a light switch as soon as i get indoors alone, i can't be bothered to do things even when i have the energy there, feel sad. bored, unhappy, and just want to hibernate away from everyone and everything, really struggle to make myself go out even though i know once i am outside i feel much better in myself.
I find having things to do from waking up to going to bed helps greatly, i plan my days with no rest periods (unless i need a duvet day in which i just accept i will do nothing but sleep, watch tv and talk on here) and always try to go out even if it is just to window shop in the local town. I think why i feel this way is down to isolation, i know no one will check on me, no one would be concerned about me if they hadn't seen me for a week or two (i have no carer at present) so the 'whats the point' bug hits. finding things you enjoy doing and things which take your mind away from the depressive thoughts helps. reading others difficulties on here, doing a soduko, playing with my gerbils all help me feel better and get my head in a place where i feel up to going out.I also make sure the house is not quiet, i always have the tv or my favourite music playing, not to listen to, but as background noise to break the silence and ground me. everyone need caring for and those of us who are totally alone in the world often miss this, i too would love to be in hospital being cared for, but know this is not the answer, i need to learn to care for myself because only myself will never let me down. trying to kill yourself will not work unless it is really your time and you are not in control of that. trust me i know by much experience! hope this helps, you are not alone x |
 GirlOfManyFaces
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#5
Jan 26, 2013, 09:00 AM
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[quote I just need a break from myself[/quote]
take one day where you do something completely out of the norm...go to the coast for the day if you live inland, visit the city if you live in the country etc, spend a day gardening or go see a film you have wanted to see, or simply put a hot water bottle in your bed, get some scented candles, a plastic glass of wine, some mini cheeses and crackers on a plastic plate and when it is dark, run a hot bubble bath, put the lighted candles on the window ledge (away from nets/curtains) take the cheese/cracker and wine with you and go have a long candle lit soak! a good magazine may help you relax too. do it just before bed, so you get out, dry off and get into your warm cosy bed, tell yourself this is ok because it is 'me time' ... everyone needs 'me time' but too often it is forgotten by other thoughts, commitments or lack of energy/inclination. |
| GirlOfManyFaces
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#6
Jan 26, 2013, 09:32 AM
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"everyone need caring for and those of us who are totally alone in the world often miss this, i too would love to be in hospital being cared for, but know this is not the answer, i need to learn to care for myself because only myself will never let me down."
I don't want to be helplessly cared for. I just need some help and advice from somebody who knows more about my issues than I do... I want to help myself... But can't |
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#7
Jan 26, 2013, 11:06 AM
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i'm sorry you are feeling this way.
and yes, i can relate someone asked me a few weeks ago.. where would you like to be?. if you wern't in your room at home, where would you be. my anser was, exactly like yours.. in a hospital, in an isolation room all i do here is lay here staring at the walls and listen to music and come on here, (and feel isolated anyway) so, may as well live out my last days their |
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#8
Jan 26, 2013, 11:07 AM
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i don't think needing to go to the hospital is soo bad, it's like taking time out to get help when you need it. Right now i am so sick with the flu i feel like going to the hospital, but people don't get to go in the hospital just for the flu. to me it sounds like you need the hospital maybe for a short rest and to get your head together. That doesn't mean you're helpless just because you go to the hospital either, you just need some encouragement, i hope you do well and have a good day,
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#9
Jan 26, 2013, 11:50 AM
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I have wanted to go to the hospital for a while. Especially after a break down. I feel dangerous and unstable. Like you could just look at me and I would fall over. It makes it even harder when my mom starts crying over something. And then I feel guilty for wanting to ask for help... And I REALLY feel bad when we struggle finically, because a trip to the hospital and most likely meds, would be expensive. And somedays we can barely afford basic necessities.
I'm so beaten and broken. (Sometimes literally) |
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#10
Jan 26, 2013, 04:11 PM
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Quote:
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#11
Jan 26, 2013, 05:25 PM
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I just need definite answers rather than me trying to figure it out on my own... I'm alway doing things alone 
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#12
Jan 27, 2013, 11:33 AM
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I just need definite answers rather than me trying to figure it out on my own... I'm alway doing things alone
me too, it is horrid when you are left to figure stuff out alone especially when you see others getting so much help and you are struggling on your own. |
| GirlOfManyFaces
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| GirlOfManyFaces
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This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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