In free-fall!

I suddenly find myself in free-fall. I've been struggling a bit for a couple of months now. But suddenly, I seem to be falling fast. I've been diagnosed with major depression & anxiety disorder. At various times it has also been suggested that I have OCD, schizoid ideation, bi-polar depression... each professional I've seen over the years has had a little different take on what's going on with me. I'm also suicidal & have self-abusive behaviors. I think that, when I was younger, I probably could have been diagnosed with BPD. But my current testing no longer bears this out.

I have a psychiatrist & I'm on Cymbalta. Until quite recently, I also had a therapist. But I quit her because it just wasn't helpful. Oh, & I'm also a life-long transsexual (MtF) but I never transitioned. I've always lived as a man & intend to continue to do so. Still this is an important part of my psychological make-up &, as I've gotten older, it has become an even more dominant part of my make-up.

My problem is that I don't know what to do to interrupt my downward spiral. I can, & probably will, get more meds from my psychiatrist. But traditionally, meds haven't been of much help. I've thought about seeing if I could be hospitalized on a voluntary basis. But I don't know what they could do for me either. So I don't know what to do. I feel myself slipping further & further & I just can't think of anything useful to do. Has anyone else had this kind of experience? What did you do?

You mention that you've never transitioned, so am I correct in assuming that you don't take any type of hormone therapy? If you DO that might be playing a huge part.

I'd highly recommend trying to find a new therapist if you can. There are good ones out there that can work wonders without any type of medication.

It's possible that you may have an incorrect diagnosis that is making it even MORE difficult in finding the correct medication. When do you meet next with your pdoc? Try to explain to them exactly what's going on next time you see them.

If needed, you can check yourself into the hospital on a voluntary basis. A lot of people find this route extremely beneficial.

Good luck!

I have to agree that you should try a new therapist. Obviously the one before didn't "click." If you can't relate with a therapist, it's just not going to work. I had to go thru about 3 or 4 therapists before I found one that REALLY worked for me and she was incredible! She could almost see right THRU me. LOL She pulled me out of a deep pit of despair and quite quickly too!

So look for another therapist, and have him/her review your meds and your diagnosis. Both could be all wrong. Many of us have been mis-diagnosed at one time or another and consequently put on the wrong meds!

I wish you the very best. Please keep us posted on what happens, will you? We DO care about you. God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

I think I know what you are feeling. I don't know what to do with myself. I know what I'm supposed to do but don't have the desire to do it. I have a therapist that is good. But after I leave her office and think to myself why do I continue to go back. I'm not sure she understands me. She and the group of doctors she works with diagnosed me as having BPD after I was already diagnosed with bipolar. I'm at a point, like you, where I feel like I'm falling out of control and, like you, I feel like I want to try and save myself from hurting myself by checking myself into a psych hospital. I want to know how the hospital thing works. Maybe it could be a new start for us. Let's keep in touch.

Hi Nessa213: Thanks for your comment! To answer your hormone question, no I'm not on any kind of hormones. If you saw me walking down the street, I'd just look like any other older guy walking his dog. And that's pretty much how everyone I know sees me... which is part of the problem.

There's the me I present to the world & then there's this crazy person inside who keeps trying to break free. I call her my fraternal twin sister. She never developed physically. But she exists locked away in solitary confinement within me. Unfortunately, because she has been locked away within me for so many years, she is now psychotic & can never be released out into the world.

Actually loved my therapist! Unfortunately no change was occurring as a result of our appointments. This is not really her fault. Short of causing a meltdown of the lives of those close to me, there's really nothing I can change at this point that would make any difference. This is my essential dilemma. It's becoming increasingly difficult for me to live as I am, but there's nothing I can do to change that would not destroy the lives of others.

Yes, I've had many diagnoses: major depression, bi-polar depression, OCD, etc. But, in the end, it just always comes down to: "okay which SSRI do you want?" (And I've been on several over the years... along with other meds as well. Now I'm on Cymbalta &, while it's not perfect, it's the best SSRI I've taken.

One psychiatrist wanted to do ECT. I know that it is safe & often effective... but I just can't go there; plus my wife would have a hemorrhage!

Actually, I'm doing better today. Thanks so much!

Hello Leed: Thank you so much for your comment! Ya know... I LOVED my therapist. But there just aren't any changes I can make in my life that would make any difference, so our appointments weren't accomplishing anything. It seemed kind of like rent-a-friend. If we had been meeting as friends at a cafe, it would have been perfect! But I felt like, in order to justify the cost, there needed to be some kind of progress occurring.

Actually, I've seen 4 or 5 therapists. The one I just quit was head & shoulders above the rest. (Some were dreadful!) I live in a major metro area so you'd think there would be lots of options. But, if they're out there, I don't know how to find them... & I'm pretty "systems savvy".

I also have a psychiatrist. And I very much like him too. But all he does is see me every few weeks, ask me how I'm doing & whether or not I want to make any med changes. I'm typically out of there within 10 minutes or so.

Actually, I'm doing better today. I'm currently on Cymbalta & it's the best SSRI I've taken. It's not perfect by any means. But one thing it does seem to do is to keep a floor underneath me. It seems like typically I only get so low & the medication kicks in & keeps me from going any lower. My "free-fall"of a few days ago was more severe than I have experienced for some time, & it scared me. But, it seems like, once again, the Cymbalta has kicked in & propped me back up. Thanks again for your interest!

Hi Sistah: Thanks so much for your comments! Ya know... I LOVED my therapist! If we were meeting as friends over coffee, it would have been great! But going to appointments with her seemed like Rent-a-Friend. I was paying to have her act as my friend since I didn't have any real ones! This really wasn't her fault. At this point in my life, there just simply aren't any changes I can make that wouldn't destroy other people's lives.

Yes, it seems like every professional I see has a little different take with regard to what is going on with me. But, in the end, it always comes down to: "what SSRI do you want?" Currently I'm on Cymbalta & it's the best SSRI I've taken. It's not perfect. But what it does seem to do is to keep a floor under me so that I only go down so far. Then it kicks in & props me back up. I'm doing better today so I guess that has happened again. But my "free-fall" of a few days ago was the lowest I've gone in quite a while & that does concern me.

The other thing that happens is that, when I've had one of these episodes & then come back out of it, I just feel empty. It's kind of like I feel: okay well it's nice to be out of danger but now what? It's just a matter of time before the next episode.

I keep thinking about the hospital as an option. But then I think: well, what can they do for me other than keep me from taking another whack at myself for a week or two. Once I get back out, it will be the same thing all over again. One psychiatrist I saw wanted to do ECT. I know it's safe & effective for some people. But I just can't bring myself to go there. Also, my wife would have a hemorrhage!

So anyway, I guess for now I'm okay again. But tomorrow, or next week, who knows? Yes, let's keep in touch! I've added you as a contact & sent a friend request. Please take care of yourself & get back with me.