[fogottentroop]

I am 22 yr old female. with two perfect kids and a husband who deserves a MUCH better woman then me but loves me anyway lol..
I really thi nk iv broken something in my mind and i need help fixing it..
Heres a bit of my background that i hope can help with any clues as to what is wrong with me...
I was sexualy abused from toddler age till i was nine.
My mother was not in my life intil also ago nine.
At age .. nine my father died. He was a hells angel biker
and i for some stupid childish reason thought "since hes dieing
maybe hell want to play with me." (exact words, i still remember them). But he died the moment the car parked outside his house.
All of the years before age.. Yup, NINE. have missing peices,
for example, i remember being told my dad died and being takeing to see him laying in his bed (never do that to a little girl), and thats it. The next part i remember is being found in his back yard watering the grass.. my family said i had been missing for over four hours... i couldnt tell u what happen during those hours if a gun was at my head.
I was born with a hole in my heart, no one knew. I at 4 yrs old told my gaurdian this exactly "i think i need to see a doctor. my heart hurts."... they had neglected to notice my blue lips, low weight or think its werid a 4 yr old sleeps most of the day. The doctor i was in the hospital on oyxgen for a week before the doctors realized my heart was defected. ..
I became very sexual by 11 yrs old.
I purposly put myself in situations that walked the line of rape.
i began useing drugs.
The one time i didnt purposely go with sum random man, i was raped anyway. Two weeks after my 16th birthday. Resulting in my oldest child now age 5...
I met my husband... he was NOT dateing me when he offered to pay for me n my daughters rent because we were homeless... he was going through bootcamp.
i married him on his return two weeks after he arrived.
THANKFULLY he is an amazing man...
We had a son.. went three yrs without a deployment.
This last janurary. he went to afghanistan.
My memory goes black after i drove away from airport. I dont remember the rest of that day...
I couldnt function. I couldnt take care of my kids. I was ... useless.
His leaving in my head was "HES ABANDONING US. HES GONE FROM MY LIFE. HE LEFT ME. HES NEVER COMEING BACK." .. i ended up being handed Meth as a 'fix all ur problems cure'. and dove head first into useing. Convinced i could control it n use it to .. self medicate basiclly. I spent all the money he made on drugs and lied with every word i said.
He came home. He found out. He forced me clean. That was in november..

now.. i have NOT relapsed.. but i am broken in my head. I am constantly on an emotional roller coaster that its out of control.

one week, ill feel exhausted, ill have terrible insomia, ill feel like... I dont have the ability to try anymore... Not like suicidal or anything..,but it feels like recovering from a surgery., my body truthfull feels pain n weak.. Then.. Randomly, one morning ill be up at 6am dressd, ready for the day n full of life... Its exhausting bouceing from hopeless to unstoppable without any control.... whats been stopping me from gettn help n my main reason last year is i didnt want my hubby to feel,like i faild him again. ..perminently... ... I know thats dumb n i actually fail him more often BECAUSE im stuck on this emotional roller coaster... . I feel shame n guilt that it effected me so dramaticly... But all i know.. Is before he left, i was fine, well...what i know of "fine" . And wen he came back, i was very broken.. . My kids and husband are the only.things now that make me feel a spark from. Like... The spark n warm happiness life gives u..... Im rambleing... But, im happy im rambleing because... very heavy weight for me.. I am so afraid im broken... i can in a way relate to haveing muliple personality disorder.. I KNOW I DONT HAVE THAT.. but i feel like there is TWO people in my body, and Neither one of them is me.. but at the same time BOTH are me.. n they fight over control. One has no desire to do anything but waiste each day away one at a time and the other wants friends again n still says shes going to collage someday. My thoughts race so fast i am unable to process them. I cant tell people "what im thinking" because many times i cant remember. and when i think about one idea..it causes a chain reaction like bombs explodeing in my mind. example; "apple"; "fruit";"food";"dinner";"what to make"; "Money"; ..becomes me.. confused, scatterd, unfocused, overwhelmed, unsure, ...lost in a million unfinished thought that are SPEEDING so fast i end up haveing full blow anxiety attack. .. i go throughout my days unaware of my actions. I am almost fully unable to finish ONE task completely. Im all over the place, emotionally, mentally, physically... and its really effecting my family... i dk what to do.. i need advice. ideas. tips... help...please... am i broken? is this explainable? Am i going to be this way for the rest of my life? My husband has become my caregiver basiclly... and it kills me... Please... just thoughts HELPFUL thoughts ... please..

Hi, it's nice to meet you I don't think you're broken. I think there's a very good chance that things will get better.

[Thunder Bow]

Letting go og all that you posted will be hard to do. There is no quick fix. See a therapist or counseler. You got alot to work through and you got good recall.

[liveforfish]

Sounds like a dual-diagnosis therapist would really help you.

You've got a lot to work out and it'll take some time, but you can do it.

For now, stay off the drugs and try to follow a schedule or daily routine. Use a check list.

I pray for your recovery and your family's future.

[Idiot17]

(((hugs))). Not broken, but as liveforfish said a therapist would do real good. Sending positive thoughts your way.

[gaia67]

I also agree about the therapist. Good luck to you. ((hugs))

[avlady]

Forgottentroop Welcome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Good Luck too, you can get through this and even easier with a t or doctor. Your husband was in the service, i take it, so you could use their services?

[Sistah]

I'm sorry that you are feeling screwed up. I can really sympathize with you. I feel screwed in my head too. Just continue to think of your beautiful kids and husband. If you can't seem to move forward for yourself, do it for them. You have a lot to live for. I'm not talking about physical living but also emotionally living. You have to start from the ground up. Decide that you really want to but your energies and efforts into getting better. Yes, therapy and meds may be a good start. It will be a long road ahead but I have a feeling that your family will be a good support system if you let them help. Of course, the kids can't help emotionally but they will understand that you are sick and are working to get better. Good luck.

Find a therapist my friend. It's not your fault. When I read the first line in your clues on your post about why you feel broken?
Well, my friend the sexual abuse DOES explain it, among all the other things that you mention. It makes perfect good sense to me why your in trouble.
I read most of your post. Couldn't read it all. I hate to hear about women who are abused & demeaned.
Will you find a good therapist? Then find a good support group for sexual abuse survivors.
If I were you I would exhaust all efforts to find any & all help for all the torment you went through. Because you can't go through this all alone. And stuffing it all inside will only affect your physical health i.e. heart attack, cancer the list is endless here.
No one can function well with what you've had to endure.
But you can work to change & recover.
It won't be easy but you'll have to do it.
Good luck

[NWgirl2013]

The good news is you probably have health insurance through the military. There are a lot of really good doctors/therapists who can help you. Have your husband help you get into the system and get the help you need.
Tell him every day you love him and those kids & you want to do your best to understand yourself so you can be your best for them. You're in my prayers. Best of everything to you

[gma45]

Stand tall you are worth it! I agree with finding a good doctor and therapist will help you. You sound like a good person that has just had a real rough start in life, things can get better and so can you. Your kids need you and will love you no matter what. I am sure your husband does too. Getting help for yourself will not make things worse, if anything, they will be better. I wish you the best and I am sending positive vibes your way! Take care of yourself my friend.

[Endeavy]

Reading your post was almost like living your life that is until I got into DBT and like the others said a Therapist is the best way as scary as the journey may look it will be worth it ,we all know there is no cure BUT with skills we all can have a life worth living not just exsist sending you lots of hugs and prayer's too XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

[hamster-bamster]

I do not think that finding a T is your next step. You report clearcut symptoms of racing thoughts, which are most likely from bipolar, although they can also come from other causes, see Racing thoughts - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.

"My thoughts race so fast i am unable to process them. I cant tell people "what im thinking" because many times i cant remember. and when i think about one idea..it causes a chain reaction like bombs explodeing in my mind. example; "apple"; "fruit";"food";"dinner";"what to make"; "Money"; ..becomes me.. confused, scatterd, unfocused, overwhelmed, unsure, ...lost in a million unfinished thought that are SPEEDING so fast i end up haveing full blow anxiety attack."

If that is the case, you need an MD p-doc and, most likely, medication.

Therapy might still be used, in conjunction with medication. Both together would probably be your best bet.

None of that is your fault, and you deserve to feel better for your own sake, apart from the sake of your family.