[Durban21]

So I'm just going to summarize everything that's going on because I feel like I can't tell anyone in my life the whole story. So in early March I ended my relationship with my boyfriend of almost 3 years. We were growing apart and also I found myself looking at him as a friend rather a boyfriend. This was a long time coming because I started feeling this way in the summer of 2012. So after it happened I was upset, but also relieved. While I was in that relationship I developed a crush for my cousin's husband's best friend. We met a year ago at my cousin's wedding, but really did not talk to each other much in fact we really didn't know each other existed until the following New Years Eve when we both attend a party at my cousin's house. We discovered we were going to be the God parents for my cousin and her husbands child when they eventually decide to get pregnant. So we joked around about it and started flirting, but nothing serious. Let me say this now because it becomes an issue as this progresses..I am about to turn 19 years old and in college; he is about to turn 29. I know it seems like a big deal, but I'm very mature in my opinion. I'm not the type of girl that goes crazy and parties and drinks. I work hard in school and hold two jobs and feel very independent. He agrees with how mature I am and he also is very independent and has a good head on his shoulders. So anyway.. One day he started talking to me on Facebook and we ended up talking for hours! From then on we talked everyday on Facebook and eventually he brought up how we had a crush on each other. We laughed about it, but then we both admitted that we were actually starting to like each other. We eventually exchanged numbers and then starting texting each other all the time. It was getting to a point where we knew we wanted it to go somewhere, but no one else knew it was happening so we felt we needed to tell my cousin and her husband. We were so worried about what they would think and both of us are the type of person that can not handle if we upset someone. Well after much planning he told my cousin's husband and I told my cousin at the same time, but in separate place. They both did not take it that well. They issued their concerns like they think we are at different places in our lives and it could destroy my family. They always finished with I don't think its a good idea, but you are both adults. So we both became stressed out because they did not approve and we were afraid we were causing them stress. I ended up telling my mom and she was surprisingly very supportive at first! I was so excited I told my cousin, but she still didn't seem to think it was okay. So the guy I was talking to and I continued to talk, sometimes stressing about it, but also saying things like I'm crazy about you and don't want to be with anyone else. One day he even told me you is going to follow his heart and that is me. All this gave me so much confidence and hope for our future even though some people objected to it. As the up and downs continued we both agreed to finally meet in person alone to talk about everything that was happening. We met up for coffee and had a great time together! We talked about everything and were both very hopeful that it would all work out and agreed that we would take things VERY SLOW to prove to everyone that things would be okay and that we aren't rushing, but at the same time we both admitted that we really cared about each other and liked each other. So when we finished he walked me to my car, pulled me in for a hug, and then kept me there and kissed me. I wasn't expecting it at all and then he said something after and he kissed me again. I left that place so happy and knew I loved him and wanted to be with him. The next day everything was going great we texted each other like normal and he seemed fine. Then he asked me to call him.. He answers like I have some bad news..He told me he talked to his best friend and his dad about it and they were both just very blunt and were like no. He said their main reason that hit him the most was if something were to go wrong it would affect my cousin and her husband and my family because we are both a permanent part of their lives. He really wanted to keep me in his life and asked for me to still be friends because he still wanted to talk to me. I tried not to sound too upset on the phone and said of course. What hurt the most was him just constantly asking if i was okay or if I was mad and then when I asked him he said he was fine and acted like nothing was wrong and that he wasn't upset. He even said, " You're a beautiful girl and you'll find someone". And I was just feeling like really?? Just yesterday you kissed me and told me you wanted to be with me. I can't tell if he really feels this way or if he still loves me, but is trying to stay strong and show he's okay so that way I get over him. Either way I'm stuck. We text every once in a while very short and stupid convos. I still love him and was trying so hard to get over him and think it was good we'll be friends and everything, but it hurts so much that he could of possibly gotten over me that quickly after how much we cared about each other. I don't want to give up hope and when we were together we talked about how we would wait for each other and how everything will work out in the end. I just don;t know now if he feels the same way. I just don't know how he is feeling. He told me I could tell him anything and always come to him, but I don't want to ruin anything we still have and if he really is over me I don't want to push him away or make it awkward for my cousins. We were both really passionate when we told each other we liked each other and cared and he's not the type of guy that would just say that in the moment and not mean it so that's why I am just confused. I want to tell him how I'm feeling. but I'm just too afraid he won't feel the same way or he might and say there's nothing we can do about ti because how it will affect everyone else. I need help. I feel sick everyday and don't know what to do.

[Open Eyes]

Oh, I am sorry you are so challenged like this, it certainly wasn't something you expected to happen, it just happened.

Well, he is ten years older than you, and it sounds like he has some maturity going for him, which is always a nice thing to find when entering into a relationship. While I understand you are very "mature" for your age and very responsible, you "will" still be growing alot in the next few years, going to college and having more freedom etc.
You are actually just beginning to really "find yourself" and you "do" need time to do that too. And it is important that "you" go through the motions where you get educated but also have a chance to "self provide" too.

With him being older, he is closer to the age where he will be getting ready for a more commited relationship. It all depends if "he" has had a chance to "self provide" too. If he has and he has developed a sense of security knowing that he is capable, he will be mature enough to also be more of a partner.

Whenever we ask other people for their advice though, we always risk others handing out the "what ifs and negetives", unfortunately, people tend to consider "damage control", just a part of being "human".

What no one has seemed to think about here though, is what "could be positive" because if you are really a good match and you both are already connected with the group, that would be a big positive.

So in a way there is somewhat of an expectation from others that you both make sure you consider the "group" first. That doesn't set all that well with me tbh, because other people who are supposed to be friends, are asking you to consider their needs first in a way, when you should be learning to make sure you think about "what you need" and not fall into holding back because of other people constantly. And this guy that you like is showing that he is allowing others to "think for him and that he needs to be thinking of them first".

I don't think this is about "him being over you either", what it is showing though is that he isn't quite grown up enough yet to be able to be ok with what "he" wants.

My big concern is your age tbh, because even though you are so mature for you age, you are still going to continue to grow alot and you really should have some of the things I discussed achieved before you give yourself away to being commited to making someone else "happy". You would be in a much better place for a long term "healthy" relationship if you had a chance to really establish yourself as a person, and you are not "there" yet. And alot of women do make the mistake of getting very involved in a relationship and miss out on first establishing themselves and the next thing they know they are resenting their partner because that part of them is "missing" and they might be trapped in a marriage with children and doing for others before they got a chance to have time learning how to "do for and support and sustain themselves".

Other than this guy, what did or do you want to be for you? You are very organized, responsible, mature so where was your goal for yourself before this guy came around?

It is very important that you get a chance to fulfill that goal, and not give "you" up for some other person. And that "could" happen if you begin to get very involved with this guy. We as women are designed to want to reproduce and often without our even knowing it, can get caught in whole chemical thing called "love is blind".

So, before you allow yourself to get all upset, you do have some thinking to do. What did you want before this young man came into your life?

OE

[Leed]

I just don't understand this at all. Where does the family come into this? How is it going to effect THEM? Why should you even CONSIDER them?

I don't understand. I don't see why it should be ANY of their business. I really don't. Especially since it's COUSINS. And if something went wrong, WHAT in the world would effect THEM?

They are being the most ridiculously SELFISH people on the face of the earth. They think that everything effects THEM. This is between you and this guy. And to be blunt, this GUY is selfish too -- why does HE think it would effect them? Why is HE concerned with them? If he loves you, that should be enough. Evidently that 'love' isn't that deep and I think you're probably well rid of him.

If he loved you truly and deeply, NOTHING would stand in his way. You two would just plain get married, regardless of family -- ESPECIALLY COUSINS!!!

I just don't get this family. Unless there's alot more to this, they're toxic, and I wouldn't tell them anything more about my life -- at any time.

Sorry I'm being so blunt but this really rattled my cage. God bless you and I hope you find someone that DESERVES you. Take care. Hugs, Lee

[hamster-bamster]

A 29 year old guy who cannot make his own decisions on whom to see without input from his dad and best friend is not worth your time. It is just way too weird. I hope you won't dwell on it too much.

Originally Posted by Durban21

we were both very hopeful that it would all work out and agreed that we would take things VERY SLOW to prove to everyone that things would be okay and that we aren't rushing

why exactly do you need to prove anything to anyone, to say nothing about everyone?..

Very weird, indeed. Beyond comprehension.

[Durban21]

You all were so helpful with your advice and yeah my family is a bit crazy and involved in each others' lives. I just don't even think they realize that they considered themselves more instead of us, which hurt me at least. As for my goals before I met him.. my goal was to be successful in school and have a fun life you know like go to the city and paint in the park; small things that are enjoyable when you live in the moment. Right now I'm on the brink of either telling him how I feel or just trying to get over him. Something inside of me though is trying to keep me hoping and I don't know if I should follow that or not. I just wish he came to me or told me how he was feeling after all this. I think he was just trying to pretend like he was okay to help me, but all it did was make me feel worse. I do greatly appreciate all the time you took to read this and help me. Very inspirational.

[yellowted]

this guy needs to grow up and find his bxxls, needing the help of daddy to make decisions is what children do not 29yrolds!
personally i would not get involved until he grew up!

family should be happy that you/ he are happy, if not then they are not wanting what's best for you both.

ultimitely it is your decision whether you want to be with this guy or not, and no one not even he can tell you how to feel or what you should do and only he can tell you if he wants/feels the same, not family, not so called friends, you and him only.

good luck in whatever you decide x