Being scared of my true emotions...

Hi, new here and not sure where to post this! Not even sure what it'd be classified as. Today been doing some researching and through that, it lead me here. I do need support and I can't afford professional counseling. I have in fact come a long way on my own and with the help of my fiance.... I just can't seem to find that edge to tear down the wall that hides my true emotions. It seems like none of my reactions or actions are emotionally driven, they are rationally driven.

For as long as I can remember I have never truly shown any real emotion towards simple things. When someone dies, depending how close I am to them, I have little or no feelings towards it. I don't get all squeally and hyper over a child or cute animals or anything of that nature like some people do. I don't get excited when I receive gifts, even if it is something that I have been wanting. I just simply don't get excited and it takes a lot to get me angry or make me cry. I get sad because I realize I have to, yet, even when I do cry, it is sometimes forced. Not fake, I just have to sometimes watch or read something that I know will make me cry and force it out.

A few things (That I won't get into right now) happened in my teen years and since then I have been afraid of people. Been afraid to get close, show my true emotions. I don't even write in a journal anymore because it was used against me at one point. I write letters to express how I feel. I also write my feelings in a letter like form then burn it, just get things off my chest.. I close up when I am around certain and new people. I have become a hermit throughout my life and its getting worse as i get older. I don't feel like I can interact with the world around me anymore. I feel a sense of detachment from certain surroundings, finding it hard to talk and connect with others.

I have a relationship and he is an awesome man, has helped me break through a ton of walls I had built up. However, this last wall, even I'm having a hard time breaking down. I want to have emotions again, I have been with him for about 7 yrs and I still can't get close to him emotionally. I keep fighting it and no matter how hard I try, the emotionless and fear always wins. I can't show real affection in fear of being rejected (even tho I know I won't be rejected). My ex started to reject my affections which caused me to shut down even more.. everyone else before that, well, in the end, they rejected me. Because of that, I have closed my emotions off even deeper.

I was never really social as a kid, I avoided any kind of confrontation at all and I still do. Hated being around people my own age, I had more adult friends than I did kids my own age. Got picked on for no reason at all.. Sure I had a few friends here and there, but never more than maybe 4 at any given time. Even then, i never really showed how I was truly feeling. Always managed to keep it bottled up till it got to be too much to handle.

I don't know where I lost the emotions as a kid.... however, I do know where and what made me bury them for good. I want them back, I want to show affection in my relationship instead of pushing him away or being scared of how i feel. I want to show people that I care and not just say that I care with a blank look. I give pretend laughs at jokes... I try to show emotions..... sometimes, its like I'm dead inside. It's rare that I really laugh at anything, mostly just smirks or fake laughs. I don't show my true emotions in front of people if I can help it.

When I was a kid I would walk off and made sure i was alone before releasing any kind of emotion. Cry alone, get upset alone, any thing...Still do to this day.... I became so good at hiding my emotions from the world that I just simply don't know how to bring em back.

Anyway.... I've rambled off more than I expected too lol!!!

Looking for any kind of advice /resources or any other experiences that some of you may have had. How do you deal with this? I've come a long ways, still have a long ways to go.

Tkazzy ~

Hello and welcome! I found therapy to be very helpful to me. It took awhile, though. I was in it for a whole year and didn't even shed a tear, even though I talked about some things that would be really upsetting to most people. One time I remember my therapist said, after I shared something my mother had done, "That makes me mad and it didn't even happen to me!"

Now I make sure to note where the tissue box is when I come in for a session.......

Oh - I can very much relate.

Welcome!

It has taken me a few attempts at therapy, and now being in therapy for the last 6 months, that I am slowly beginning to understand that I put a mask on because I am too afraid to feel my emotions. And that emotions are ok. And that my therapist is not judgmental. That I can use a session to just let go.
I haven't yet been able to do that, but I'm getting close

tkazzy79 Welcome!!!!!!!!i do understand you too, it's different than my problem, I'm almost the opposite, but maybe that's a good thing as we can learn from each other? I hope to see you post more and we can help each other.

i relate a lot to what you say... especially the part about people dying.

welcome

Thanx for the replies and the warm welcomes!! Glad to see I'm not the only one!

I can't afford therapy, there has been plenty of times where I wish I could afford it. I don't work and don't have insurance so finances are pretty tight right now. Everything I have done up to this point as been through baby steps and a variety of personal techniques that I read about and would try. It's all worked and I am a better person because of it all.

This one wall is causing me tons of issues and it appears that I built it pretty strong. I go back to the situation that caused me to officially close down, brings back all those emotions, fears, regret, everything and anything that happened at that time. I have been picking at it for quite sometime now. I do believe I am getting closer to cracking this wall. I just don't know how to give the sledge hammer the swing it needs.... I don't know if I'm afraid of what i'll find subconsciously, or if its something else.

I am ready to deal with whatever does come from behind that wall. lol I've even tried to picture myself opening that door, breaking the wall down, but in the end, something seems to always stop me. I have accepted everything that happened, I've burned the past, burned bridges, pictures, journals, letters...... I forgave all the fools (mentally) that hurt me.... even forgave myself for everything except for one thing. I know that one thing is holding me back and I want to be able to forgive myself for it...... I just don't know how.....

Yet, the more I dig deeper into that situation.... I have come to realize just how alone I truly was back then. Not one person was there for me to ask the why's, to tell me things will be ok, to stop the bad thoughts that were running in my head. Not one shoulder to cry on, not one ear to hear my side... With this new realization, it makes forgiving myself even harder. I was made out to be the bad guy when in reality I just fell for someone else lies, I went along with those lies. I did things because I was scared of being alone..... yet..... I still ended up alone.

I've held onto that guilt all these years, have blamed myself for certain things... I have tried to forgive myself, people have forgiven me, some people tell me it wasn't my fault... just young and stupid.... and yet... I knew full well of what I was doing, I did it on my own free will despite what my gut and head was yelling.. I don't know how to burn that bridge, let go of the blame and regrets that I have put on myself. It is the biggest thing that is holding me back and I know it is.

It has made me fearful of falling into something similar, fearful of history repeating itself. Knowing what kind of person I used to be, what kind of lies I told, the people I hurt, the kind of people that hurt me as well.. I have changed big time since then, I have a new circle of friends in my life, a man that loves me.. So why am I still fearful of the past? I've learned my lessons, turned away from that path.... Despite everything, the fear and regrets are still haunting me.

This is the wall I need to break down.... the blame and regret, not being able to forgive myself. Fear of the past biting me again when I least expect it..

Tkazzy ~

Welcome to PC, tkazzy.
I too have had to work my butt off to let people in. And even then, even though I have amazing people in my life right now whom I can communicate openly with, who don't judge me, who I can express anything to and know that I will be not only unjudged but also supported and held,
I have been honest with my partner (now my fiancee) that although I love her deeply and trust her, I am still unable to fully let her in. She's there for my emotional processes and stuff, but on a certain level I constantly expect to be rejected or abandoned. I suspect that, since this stems from childhood neglect and abuse, it's going to take years to unravel. I have hope that I can do it. I don't want to give up because I've come so far already and I'm so tired of being 'alone'.
I wish you well on your journey, I hope to see you around the forums, and if you ever need anyone to talk to who can relate, feel free to PM me.

Hi tkazzy. I am also very limited when it comes to emotions. A while ago I learned about attachment theory. There's a pretty good explanation on Wikipedia. It helped me understand how those around me seemed to instinctively know how to connect emotionally and I felt like I'd missed the class where they explained to everyone. And after spending years living with it trying to teach yourself what many others learned in their first few years is like a blind person trying to understand yellow. I hope you can find someone who understands this well enough to help you.

A great quote from Pema Chodron

You sound emotionaly mature, in an emotionaly immature society. You seem mature enough to continue along with out therapy.