[c-bot]

Part of me wants to hide my emotions, from other people and myself - when they push too hard to make me reveal something, I start crying to hide the emotion (and then to my annoyance they think I'm sad) but then it's also hidden from me. I'm not really sure if doing this is good or bad because I can't access my emotions but part of me says it has to, it's protecting me, and I wouldn't know how to stop doing it anyway. But it never happens with ordinary feelings, like just momentary happiness, jealousy, etc., there has to be a deeper connection between things that creates a deeper kind of emotion.
People have told me it's bad to hide my emotions and I should stop "bottling them up" but I don't know how I would do this. The part of me that makes me hide them is in control of everything, it can make me quiet when I want to explain something about the problem. So more often than not in the psychologist's office I am just sitting there saying nothing even though my head is full of things to say. It also happens with writing, sometimes I have words to write down but that part of me says no you can't. Sometimes it shuts me down before I've even started thinking about what I want to write.
I've never experienced anything traumatic or bad in my life.
The only reason this is even a serious problem is because school requires me to reveal stuff about myself because creative writing (and other stuff that would reveal emotions) is a part of the school's curriculum and I'm required to do that, and when I don't they lower my grade and ask me why I don't do it. And then they did all this testing and said alright we'll use 504 accommodation, which has no noticeable effect for me. It just says I can do the assignments with a tutor or have more time or break it up into smaller pieces to make it easier. I'm seeing 2 different psychologists now. I was seeing another one before (she recommended me to the others) but she didn't help and she seemed to think I was depressed.

[Leed]

You NEED to be open in the psychologists office!! How else can he/she help you? Why don't you want to let your emotions out to the psychologist? Is it a matter of trust? Is trust the issue with everyone -- even yourself??

Bottling up your emotions is NOT good. Of course we need to be able to CONTROL our emotions, but that's different than "bottling" them up! We need to know when showing our emotions is appropriate. In the therapists office, it is CERTAINLY appropriate to show our emotions -- otherwise, the therapist won't have a clue "who" we are!

There are those of us who have become so good at bottling up our emotions that now we are completely numb. We can't feel anything -- we can't cry, feel love, grief, sadness, joy, happiness -- anything!! That is NO way to live. Do you want to end up like that?

Please -- let it "go" in the therapists office. You won't regret it, and you'll not only find relief but you'll understand yourself a little better too! God bless and take care. Hugs, Lee

[Thunder Bow]

No "504" for you! If you don't feel like expressing feelings then don't. Therapy may help you get in touch with your feelings. But if you are already in touch with your feelings, then is not much a therapist can do.

Be selective as to who you express your feelings to. Don't be to self critical. Your ideas and feelings do have Value. Knowing that will keep your mind from "shutting down".

[c-bot]

Originally Posted by Leed

You NEED to be open in the psychologists office!! How else can he/she help you? Why don't you want to let your emotions out to the psychologist? Is it a matter of trust? Is trust the issue with everyone -- even yourself??

Bottling up your emotions is NOT good. Of course we need to be able to CONTROL our emotions, but that's different than "bottling" them up! We need to know when showing our emotions is appropriate. In the therapists office, it is CERTAINLY appropriate to show our emotions -- otherwise, the therapist won't have a clue "who" we are!

There are those of us who have become so good at bottling up our emotions that now we are completely numb. We can't feel anything -- we can't cry, feel love, grief, sadness, joy, happiness -- anything!! That is NO way to live. Do you want to end up like that?

Please -- let it "go" in the therapists office. You won't regret it, and you'll not only find relief but you'll understand yourself a little better too! God bless and take care. Hugs, Lee

Well it's not a matter of trust. Or anything to do with social stuff. And I know I WANT to show things, it's just that I "can't". I don't know how else to explain it but it does not feel like my decision or choice when I am not revealing emotions. It feels like some part of me is controlling the rest. It can shut my thoughts down, it can make me stay quiet, it can make me cry when it doesn't want me to reveal things (crying in this case is not sadness, it is a way to mask other emotions that might be revealed). I'm asking people here because I don't know how to overcome that part of me. Of course I would like to let go of some things but then this part shows up and says, "NO. THAT IS BAD." It doesn't really explain why and it's not like fear because when you have fear you are afraid of the result of something - like if you're acrophobic you're afraid of falling, not tall buildings themselves, and you at least can imagine what the result would be if you fell. This part of me doesn't reveal why it's trying to hide my emotions, or what the result of letting them go might be. Logically I should be able to figure out the result of my actions but it does not let me.
Attacking that part and trying to figure something out always results in crying and my mind going completely blank.

[c-bot]

Originally Posted by Thunder Bow

No "504" for you! If you don't feel like expressing feelings then don't. Therapy may help you get in touch with your feelings. But if you are already in touch with your feelings, then is not much a therapist can do.

Be selective as to who you express your feelings to. Don't be to self critical. Your ideas and feelings do have Value. Knowing that will keep your mind from "shutting down".

I know my ideas & feelings have value. This isn't a self-esteem kind of issue.
It's an I'm-being-controlled-by-something-in-my-mind-and-I-have-no-idea-how-to-stop-it-and-everything-is-going-in-circles kind of issue.

[c-bot]

not sure if this thing posted my other reply, and I don't want to repost, but it looks like it didn't post anything, so whatever.

Anyway, it's totally not a self-esteem or trust problem. And the part of me that's doing it is not under my control. It is in control of me.. it can make my mind go completely blank if I try to attack it and figure out why it's doing this. So you can say "let go", and I can try REALLY REALLY HARD to let go of my emotions and control the other part instead of having it control me, but nothing will happen. I need actual help. And the psychiatrist(s) are not doing much and I don't know how to say things when the other part forces me to be quiet, or think when it makes my mind go blank, or show my real emotions when it is making me cry to mask them.

[Thunder Bow]

You fear assult and criticiusm when you express feelings. Did you cry a lot when you were little? This seems to be a Fear issue. Don't over think, and just relax for a while.

[Sometimes psychotic]

OK so are you seeing a psychiatrist or a psychologist? Psychiatrist or pdoc is the one with the medicine---that's the one I'd trust on this. How old are you, you don't have to tell me exactly but if you are in your late teens and male it could be the beginning of psychosis unless you have always been this way. It's this sense of your brain controlling you that I'm worried about.

When I was sick my brain was divided into two halves right brain and left brain, apparently this is called compartmentalization. Anyway right brain would tell me to do all sorts of weird things and that was the side where all of the emotions were. Left brain was very logical and was also dominant so it kept me from doing the weird things but also from expressing emotions. One of the overriding themes of my illness was reuniting the two halves of my brain so I could think normally, my goal was to tell this guy that I loved him which I could not do because left brain was stopping me. You don't really sound psychotic--I imagine you would have mentioned voices if you had them, but what about compartmentalization that might fit you.

[c-bot]

Originally Posted by Thunder Bow

You fear assult and criticiusm when you express feelings. Did you cry a lot when you were little? This seems to be a Fear issue. Don't over think, and just relax for a while.

I'm not afraid of assault or criticism. Like I said, it's different than fear. I know what fear is. For example, I'm extremely scared of bees and I know it's because they will sting me, so I actually have an idea of the result of being near bees and I have a somewhat logical reason to be afraid of them.

This is different. I can't actually picture, in my mind, what would happen if I let go of my feelings. Whenever I try to, it's just blank. I can't see any logical reason for this happening.

[c-bot]

Originally Posted by Sometimes psychotic

OK so are you seeing a psychiatrist or a psychologist? Psychiatrist or pdoc is the one with the medicine---that's the one I'd trust on this. How old are you, you don't have to tell me exactly but if you are in your late teens and male it could be the beginning of psychosis unless you have always been this way. It's this sense of your brain controlling you that I'm worried about.

When I was sick my brain was divided into two halves right brain and left brain, apparently this is called compartmentalization. Anyway right brain would tell me to do all sorts of weird things and that was the side where all of the emotions were. Left brain was very logical and was also dominant so it kept me from doing the weird things but also from expressing emotions. One of the overriding themes of my illness was reuniting the two halves of my brain so I could think normally, my goal was to tell this guy that I loved him which I could not do because left brain was stopping me. You don't really sound psychotic--I imagine you would have mentioned voices if you had them, but what about compartmentalization that might fit you.

You seem to grasp the problem better than anyone else I've talked to. And yeah, it's not psychosis (I'm a 13 year old girl by the way) and compartmentalization sounds more like it. And like you said, my right and left brain seem pretty divided - like they won't occupy the same "space", if you know what I mean, like if you want a Right Side (emotional/creative/artistic/ imaginative) answer to a question that is in a space occupied by Left Side (logical/mathematical/scientific) you just won't get an answer from me, and then I'll start crying. And Left Side seems to be the one that is doing the controlling, and it's very dominant.
I'm seeing 2 psychiatrists right now, 1st one I have been seeing for a couple months, 2nd one only a few weeks. Neither of them have ever mentioned anything about compartmentalization. I was seeing another psychiatrist but she wasn't helpful at all and she thought I was depressed and my crying was because of sadness despite me constantly telling her that it wasn't.

I guess since you have struggled with this problem maybe you could tell me some more about how you got through. Your help is very much appreciated.

[Sometimes psychotic]

Originally Posted by c-bot

You seem to grasp the problem better than anyone else I've talked to. And yeah, it's not psychosis (I'm a 13 year old girl by the way) and compartmentalization sounds more like it. And like you said, my right and left brain seem pretty divided - like they won't occupy the same "space", if you know what I mean, like if you want a Right Side (emotional/creative/artistic/ imaginative) answer to a question that is in a space occupied by Left Side (logical/mathematical/scientific) you just won't get an answer from me, and then I'll start crying. And Left Side seems to be the one that is doing the controlling, and it's very dominant.
I'm seeing 2 psychiatrists right now, 1st one I have been seeing for a couple months, 2nd one only a few weeks. Neither of them have ever mentioned anything about compartmentalization. I was seeing another psychiatrist but she wasn't helpful at all and she thought I was depressed and my crying was because of sadness despite me constantly telling her that it wasn't.

I guess since you have struggled with this problem maybe you could tell me some more about how you got through. Your help is very much appreciated.

So I'm really glad you're not psychotic, it's a terrible thing. For me I was psychotic though...so some of the things I did were probably weird and I'm not sure how much you'll be able to relate to. So it was kind of a defense mechanism for me.....all of the voices I was hearing were on the right side which was being suppressed by the left. It was totally a way to protect myself from the voices so I'm not sure why this happened for you. Have you been to a neurologist?

So how I got rid of it was a combination of things. One I had therapy called cognitive behavioral therapy and one of our four treatment goals was to reunite the right and left brains. So we did specific things to do that, one thing I remember was making a list of the things I liked about right brain and left brain...this helped me see I needed both sides. So with that in hand I began to research the difference between the right and left sides of my brain. I ran across and art book called drawing on the right side of the brain. It teaches your right brain to take over when needed so you can draw better. At first I could actually feel my brain switching between right and left when I was drawing. After doing the exercises in the book they were working as a team. It also helped just to acknowledge the importance of right brain. I could make myself smile just by talking about right brain aloud it was weird.

Anyway I used the first edition of the book which you can buy for like a penny used on amazon....Betty Edwards.

It's basically about neuroplasticiticy or changing your brain so it does what you want it to but it was advanced before its time.

I also did the right and left brain puzzles from pocket posh. Try it its a lot cheaper than a shrink!

[c-bot]

Originally Posted by Sometimes psychotic

So I'm really glad you're not psychotic, it's a terrible thing. For me I was psychotic though...so some of the things I did were probably weird and I'm not sure how much you'll be able to relate to. So it was kind of a defense mechanism for me.....all of the voices I was hearing were on the right side which was being suppressed by the left. It was totally a way to protect myself from the voices so I'm not sure why this happened for you. Have you been to a neurologist?

So how I got rid of it was a combination of things. One I had therapy called cognitive behavioral therapy and one of our four treatment goals was to reunite the right and left brains. So we did specific things to do that, one thing I remember was making a list of the things I liked about right brain and left brain...this helped me see I needed both sides. So with that in hand I began to research the difference between the right and left sides of my brain. I ran across and art book called drawing on the right side of the brain. It teaches your right brain to take over when needed so you can draw better. At first I could actually feel my brain switching between right and left when I was drawing. After doing the exercises in the book they were working as a team. It also helped just to acknowledge the importance of right brain. I could make myself smile just by talking about right brain aloud it was weird.

Anyway I used the first edition of the book which you can buy for like a penny used on amazon....Betty Edwards.

It's basically about neuroplasticiticy or changing your brain so it does what you want it to but it was advanced before its time.

I also did the right and left brain puzzles from pocket posh. Try it its a lot cheaper than a shrink!

Actually my art teacher had us use the "Betty Edwards" method, by using your right brain and not your left. I'm a really creative person when drawing, and very good at it. Not creative at all when writing or talking because the *other* part wants to hide things before I can write them down or talk about them. The testing they did at school said I was not as good at the verbal problems or the ones that required some opinion, and better at the ones that were non-verbal and spatial.
I'm also super good at math and science and solving puzzles.
And there is this thing you can do to see if your right and left side can interact, where you hold your thumb out in your left hand and your index finger on your right, and then you switch them so you have finger-left, thumb-right. I'm very good at it and it takes no practice but other people have a hard time doing it unless they practice.

For me the left side seems to be the one generating the other part that wants to hide emotions. I wouldn't say it's really a voice but more like a side in the argument my brain is having about whether or not to do something.

Oh and I haven't been to a neurologist but I think the first 2 psychiatrists were neuropsychologists.

[Sometimes psychotic]

Originally Posted by c-bot

Actually my art teacher had us use the "Betty Edwards" method, by using your right brain and not your left. I'm a really creative person when drawing, and very good at it. Not creative at all when writing or talking because the *other* part wants to hide things before I can write them down or talk about them. The testing they did at school said I was not as good at the verbal problems or the ones that required some opinion, and better at the ones that were non-verbal and spatial.
I'm also super good at math and science and solving puzzles.
And there is this thing you can do to see if your right and left side can interact, where you hold your thumb out in your left hand and your index finger on your right, and then you switch them so you have finger-left, thumb-right. I'm very good at it and it takes no practice but other people have a hard time doing it unless they practice.

For me the left side seems to be the one generating the other part that wants to hide emotions. I wouldn't say it's really a voice but more like a side in the argument my brain is having about whether or not to do something.

Oh and I haven't been to a neurologist but I think the first 2 psychiatrists were neuropsychologists.

So apologies but this is kind of cool to meet someone with a similar thing...none of the other psychotic people get this same thing so I don't think it has anything to do with psychosis. Sounds like what you have compartmentalized is different than mine so you might need a different set of puzzles to correct it. But I would focus on right brain left brain puzzles or brain games in general. There is a woman Barbara arrowsmith who works with neuroplasticity. She has a number of brain exercises in her book...not specific but she mentions in general what you can do. The problem is usually you have to do what you are really bad at and repeat it a lot. It sounds boring but it changes your brain. I think she was Canadian but there are special arrowsmith schools in the US now. I don't know much about them becuase they are for students and I'm a lot older.

Anyway I wish you the best keep me updated.

[Sometimes psychotic]

Oh the other weird thing for me was when I was drawing a straight line it was left brain and when I was drawing a curve it was right so not all drawing was together just the more creative curve required right brain.

[c-bot]

Originally Posted by Sometimes psychotic

So apologies but this is kind of cool to meet someone with a similar thing...none of the other psychotic people get this same thing so I don't think it has anything to do with psychosis. Sounds like what you have compartmentalized is different than mine so you might need a different set of puzzles to correct it. But I would focus on right brain left brain puzzles or brain games in general. There is a woman Barbara arrowsmith who works with neuroplasticity. She has a number of brain exercises in her book...not specific but she mentions in general what you can do. The problem is usually you have to do what you are really bad at and repeat it a lot. It sounds boring but it changes your brain. I think she was Canadian but there are special arrowsmith schools in the US now. I don't know much about them becuase they are for students and I'm a lot older.

Anyway I wish you the best keep me updated.

Well, the only thing I'm not good at is verbal and opinion-based problems and imaginative writing. I don't know if there are puzzles for that and what I'd really like is a Betty Edwards-style writing class, if anyone could figure out how to do that. Or if anyone could figure out how to get me to write creatively without crying.. I have a writing tutor but I can never do anything without her, and the only things I can do with her are the somewhat less creative assignments.

Wish you the best too, it's nice to find someone who can relate a little.

[healingme4me]

Good/Bad/Should....are negative thinking patterns.

You state that you need to feel in the moment, in order to pass your classes in school?

Writers are known to go through what is a writer's block, at times. Unable to express themselves, because something inside of them holds them back.

In order to better communicate with others, on paper, zeroing in on the here and now, is a key ingredient, whether you want to be a novelist, like Stephen King, or just pass the class.

It's OK, to stop, ask yourself, right now, what am I feeling? Whether the emotion be positive, negative, strong or weak; Accepting it, in the moment will help.

It takes time to. Don't need to have a traumatic past, in order to not be able to move past those good/bad thinking patterns.

Originally Posted by c-bot

I'm not really sure if doing this is good or bad because

part of me says it has to,

People have told me it's bad to hide my emotions and I should stop "bottling them up" but I don't know how I would do this.

The part of me that makes me hide them is in control of everything, it can make me quiet when

. It also happens with writing, sometimes I have words to write down but that part of me says no you can't.

Sometimes it shuts me down before I've even started thinking about what I want to write.

because creative writing (and other stuff that would reveal emotions).

[eskielover]

What I found with my emotions was that I had no idea what the emotions were that I was feeling.....I was always so logical, I thought that people where either logical or emotional & my mother was definitely emotional & I didn't want to be anything like her so I worked hard at being logical......however it wasn't until just 2 years ago (age 58) & I was in a wonderful DBT group working on the emotional regulation section of the group that I found out what all the emotions I had been feeling that I even denied existed for me before I realized that every human feels the emotions....we just don't always recognize them & definitely if we don't recognize them, we can't put words to them to describe.

I always knew my angry emotion & my sad & happy emotions.....but I had no idea that there were several pages full of emotions that I didn't even know were emotions....started really being able to put words to them once I recognized what emotions really were.....we are never to old to learn which made me feel really good.

I know that the frustration of feeling emotions & not being able to put the words to what I didn't even realize I was feeling definitely made me cry...but I didn't know why until I was able to start learning about emotions & then relating them to what I was feeling & only then could I figure out how to put words to what I was finally realizing I was feeling.

[c-bot]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Good/Bad/Should....are negative thinking patterns.

You state that you need to feel in the moment, in order to pass your classes in school?

Writers are known to go through what is a writer's block, at times. Unable to express themselves, because something inside of them holds them back.

In order to better communicate with others, on paper, zeroing in on the here and now, is a key ingredient, whether you want to be a novelist, like Stephen King, or just pass the class.

It's OK, to stop, ask yourself, right now, what am I feeling? Whether the emotion be positive, negative, strong or weak; Accepting it, in the moment will help.

It takes time to. Don't need to have a traumatic past, in order to not be able to move past those good/bad thinking patterns.

Problem is, I can ask, what am I feeling right now, inside? and I will never get an answer. I just start crying. And it hasn't gotten better, it's gotten worse the more I've tried to get rid of it. Not really a problem of 'acceptance'. There is nothing there to accept or deny- just blank. and crying. And trying to search for something inside results in more crying and more blank answers and the whole problem getting worse. The only thing that works- temporarily at least - is reciting things in my head, which merely distracts me from the problem for a moment and doesn't get me any closer to finding emotions.

[Thunder Bow]

That is you are not feeling any thing at the time. "Blank" just might be a good thing. When you feel a feeling you will know it. It is not good to have feelings racing through your mind at all times!

[c-bot]

Originally Posted by Thunder Bow

That is you are not feeling any thing at the time. "Blank" just might be a good thing. When you feel a feeling you will know it. It is not good to have feelings racing through your mind at all times!

Well it's not that I'm actually not feeling anything (I don't think) but that whatever I am feeling is hidden beneath this layer, and it is making the 'blank' part and the crying happen, 'cause I know there's something underneath, I just don't know what or how to get there because the blankness just washes over it.

So I want to know how to get rid of the layer that is between me & my feelings.

But then I'm always a little unsure about doing that because I'm thinking, what if that will change me in a bad way too? Like, what if taking the bullet out of your shoulder actually makes it worse because of everything you will end up cutting through to get there?
Feelings are good for me but what if letting go is bad for me?

And sometimes I do feel like my mind is racing too fast, and I'm focusing too much on bad things that have happened and daydreaming too much about things that are never going to happen, more than other people do.