Please help me and give me suggestions. I have developed severe, debilitating paranoia. I cannot get an email or text from just about anyone without experiencing severe panic and waiting for untold amounts of time to read it. I feel as though everything people are going to say is going to tear me down. This is affecting all parts of my life and I'm anxious over this almost all of the time.

The source of the paranoia is real, at least within my own mind. I was severely put down in letters many many times, usually with no warning when I didn't realize I'd done anything wrong. The last letter my mom sent me she accused me of stealing her memories and told me I was no longer her daughter. My friends would pass me notes in high school criticizing me....I remember even then waiting for a long time to read them, and the last real life friend I had, after I wrote him a heart-felt paper letter told me he was going to commit suicide, that I wasn't welcome to his funeral, and that he hoped I was happy with myself.

To be honest, some of new-found paranoia started here at PC when I'd write a post and would be put down for it. I'm not blaming anyone. It is all within my head, but I need to conquer it before it conquers me. Any help, suggestions, good web sites, and publications that you think would give me some insight would be much appreciated. Please...

((((Mara)))) I think I can totally to where you are coming from...from actually two totally different angles.

1. From my experiences growing up around a demanding, judgmental, controlling, N, selfish mother who invalidated practically everything I ever said, did or felt, I learned to be fearful of expressing my real feelings, thoughts and ideas. I couldn't bear to receive more negativity and invalidation. It all just turned into me feeling totally worthless, anxious, and depressed. I would literally blush talking to anyone about anything even remotely close to how I thought or felt about things.

It took a very long time before I was even able to identify a feeling. If someone asked me, I would just reply, "I don't know".

I remember very clearly though having a disagreement, opinion with my love which I expressed (he was the least judgmental person I have ever met). I was absolutely terrified waiting for his response. He responded in a kind manner. I was shocked. Someone impt to me in my life actually validated how I felt.

He didn't put me down or say I was wrong or tried to make me feel small. He simply said feelings are just that and neither good or bad. Right or wrong. I think that is one of the reasons why I loved him. Because he just accepted me. Mind you, we had aeguments and disagreements but we always fought "fair".

People who do that to others, put them down or invalidate us, I think are only trying to make themselves feel bigger and better because they feel so bad about themselves. It is not a reflection of us or who we are.

2. I went through a period of time for about 4 years, I was literally terrified to answer the phone or read a communique from a certain part of the family because everything was drama. It was horrible, painful, stressful and miserable. I was constantly on edge, waiting for the other shoe to drop. I got to a point where I turned off the ringer on my phones and even disconnected the doorbell. I was totally hyper-aware of all things Them. It got to the point to where I was such a wreck, I finally got really angry, did not hide it at all and cut off ties. I couldn't stand it anymore. It was literally killing me.

Regarding these issues, I found DBT with an experienced T really helpful in turning the fear and hyper-awareness around. I learned to replace old tapes and intense fear with positive, helpful thoughts for myself. To myself.

Also, implementing the no contact rule with emotionally and verbally abusive people and learning to establish boundaries helped too.

I am a work in progress (clearly), and it is not easy at first, but things are getting much better.

I hope this helps a little bit. Hugs to you.

Originally Posted by Rose Panachée

((((Mara)))) I think I can totally to where you are coming from...from actually two totally different angles.

1. From my experiences growing up around a demanding, judgmental, controlling, N, selfish mother who invalidated practically everything I ever said, did or felt, I learned to be fearful of expressing my real feelings, thoughts and ideas. I couldn't bear to receive more negativity and invalidation. It all just turned into me feeling totally worthless, anxious, and depressed. I would literally blush talking to anyone about anything even remotely close to how I thought or felt about things.

It took a very long time before I was even able to identify a feeling. If someone asked me, I would just reply, "I don't know".

I remember very clearly though having a disagreement, opinion with my love which I expressed (he was the least judgmental person I have ever met). I was absolutely terrified waiting for his response. He responded in a kind manner. I was shocked. Someone impt to me in my life actually validated how I felt.

He didn't put me down or say I was wrong or tried to make me feel small. He simply said feelings are just that and neither good or bad. Right or wrong. I think that is one of the reasons why I loved him. Because he just accepted me. Mind you, we had aeguments and disagreements but we always fought "fair".

People who do that to others, put them down or invalidate us, I think are only trying to make themselves feel bigger and better because they feel so bad about themselves. It is not a reflection of us or who we are.

2. I went through a period of time for about 4 years, I was literally terrified to answer the phone or read a communique from a certain part of the family because everything was drama. It was horrible, painful, stressful and miserable. I was constantly on edge, waiting for the other shoe to drop. I got to a point where I turned off the ringer on my phones and even disconnected the doorbell. I was totally hyper-aware of all things Them. It got to the point to where I was such a wreck, I finally got really angry, did not hide it at all and cut off ties. I couldn't stand it anymore. It was literally killing me.

Regarding these issues, I found DBT with an experienced T really helpful in turning the fear and hyper-awareness around. I learned to replace old tapes and intense fear with positive, helpful thoughts for myself. To myself.

Also, implementing the no contact rule with emotionally and verbally abusive people and learning to establish boundaries helped too.

I am a work in progress (clearly), and it is not easy at first, but things are getting much better.

I hope this helps a little bit. Hugs to you.

I've worked on DBT on a touch and go basis. I know it's worthwhile but I cannot stay motivated to stick with it. The biggest problem is this is stretching out beyond family, to friends and such. If I say anything that I believe could possibly be questioned at all, I will get this way. I'm this way almost all of the time anymore. I'm working on it.

Hypersensitivity in total makes sense because we get to a point to where we are so on edge and fearful of more negativity and invalidation that it becomes a part of our automatic response(s). Our self esteem has taken such a blow that it is really hard to not react or pull away at the first sign of "trouble". I think that is why after all the traumas and hurt, lack of self esteem and coping skills (tools in my personal toolbox) from almost a lifetime of feeling like a doormat and totally crushed, that is when I just completely isolated.

I was receiving so much negativity, I couldn't take it anymore. I pushed people away... I didn't want to deal with it / them / the pain anymore. Even if something was fairly benign, it hurt and I felt defensive and didn't want to hear it. At all.

The lack of kindness, understanding, compassion, empathy from others (esp people that seemed to be impt in my life) was stunning. And my fuse was short. My tolerance level was almost nonexistent, so to protect myself, I isolated.

The one of two new "friends" that I did meet while all this was happening ... at first I was really hopeful. I thought I might have found some healthy, supportive people but they turned out to be jerks. It hurt. I finally gave up altogether.

I was really committed to my homework that my T gave me. It was a worksheet that I made about 100 copies. Everytime an "incident" would happen relating with others I would fill out the worksheet.

The worksheet was comprised of about 6 columns:
1. The Incident that triggered me ("Situation")
2. "Automatic Thought"
3. "Emotion"
4. "Alternative Response" ( I have a separate reference sheet that I refer to)
5. "Outcome"

Working on these in the beginning comprised of multiple entries daily. And after the week's end, I would share copies with my T.

After awhile, though, the "Situations" became less frequent, my "Automatic Responses" were more positive as well as associated "Emotions". And the "Alt Responses" were less self-focused and hurtful directed at me (old negative destructive tapes in my mind) and more about the other person and their motivations and actions that actually really had nothing to do with me.

I have a 6" pile of worksheets that I saved. I put them in a folder and when I referred back to.them after about a year, I was able to see how much my thought process changed for the better. I wouldn't automatically default to the painful stuff. The "Alt Responses" (Reasons / Their Motivations) became more focused on them and felt less painful and hurtful to me)

It helped sharing them with my T because the beginning of the work was the good, bad and ugly. Minus the good

But I definitely saw a change over time. For.the better. And even more wonderful, I started cutting myself a break and not being so fearful and hard on myself and others. Actually, my focus on others opinions and actions became way less impt / top of mind. I didn't internalize so much and their stuff wasnt "first" anymore riddled with self.defeating thoughts of what I did "wrong". It took off a huge nirden!

Originally Posted by Rose Panachée

Hypersensitivity in total makes sense because we get to a point to where we are so on edge and fearful of more negativity and invalidation that it becomes a part of our automatic response(s). Our self esteem has taken such a blow that it is really hard to not react or pull away at the first sign of "trouble". I think that is why after all the traumas and hurt, lack of self esteem and coping skills (tools in my personal toolbox) from almost a lifetime of feeling like a doormat and totally crushed, that is when I just completely isolated.

I was receiving so much negativity, I couldn't take it anymore. I pushed people away... I didn't want to deal with it / them / the pain anymore. Even if something was fairly benign, it hurt and I felt defensive and didn't want to hear it. At all.

The lack of kindness, understanding, compassion, empathy from others (esp people that seemed to be impt in my life) was stunning. And my fuse was short. My tolerance level was almost nonexistent, so to protect myself, I isolated.

The one of two new "friends" that I did meet while all this was happening ... at first I was really hopeful. I thought I might have found some healthy, supportive people but they turned out to be jerks. It hurt. I finally gave up altogether.

I was really committed to my homework that my T gave me. It was a worksheet that I made about 100 copies. Everytime an "incident" would happen relating with others I would fill out the worksheet.

The worksheet was comprised of about 6 columns:
1. The Incident that triggered me ("Situation")
2. "Automatic Thought"
3. "Emotion"
4. "Alternative Response" ( I have a separate reference sheet that I refer to)
5. "Outcome"

Working on these in the beginning comprised of multiple entries daily. And after the week's end, I would share copies with my T.

After awhile, though, the "Situations" became less frequent, my "Automatic Responses" were more positive as well as associated "Emotions". And the "Alt Responses" were less self-focused and hurtful directed at me (old negative destructive tapes in my mind) and more about the other person and their motivations and actions that actually really had nothing to do with me.

I have a 6" pile of worksheets that I saved. I put them in a folder and when I referred back to.them after about a year, I was able to see how much my thought process changed for the better. I wouldn't automatically default to the painful stuff. The "Alt Responses" (Reasons / Their Motivations) became more focused on them and felt less painful and hurtful to me)

It helped sharing them with my T because the beginning of the work was the good, bad and ugly. Minus the good

But I definitely saw a change over time. For.the better. And even more wonderful, I started cutting myself a break and not being so fearful and hard on myself and others. Actually, my focus on others opinions and actions became way less impt / top of mind. I didn't internalize so much and their stuff wasnt "first" anymore riddled with self.defeating thoughts of what I did "wrong". It took off a huge nirden!

Rose, if you have the time and ability to, would you be willing to look online and see if you can find a similar worksheet and send me a link to it. I know that's a lot of trouble. I'll see if I can find something on my own. Its an idea worth trying.

((((Mara)))) I would be happy to. No problem give me a day or two and I will send to you

Ps, sorry for the typos ... it is hard typing on my phone. Esp when I am writing from the heart and SOC!

[spondiferous]

Maranara
Those worksheets have helped me too. Before, every time the phone would ring my stomach would turn and my heart would race, thinking that I was going to get **** from whoever was calling, no matter who it was. I still have it to some degree. Do you really have the kind of people in your life right now who are always putting down or giving you **** for something, or do you think you could take healthy risks by reading the texts (answering the phone, etc) sooner? I know that for me it has lessened with exposure. But it hasn't been easy at first.

Do you know if those sheets or something similar are available on www.dbtselfhelp.com or any other site? I'm working as usual right now but I'll look for them. Thank you.

[H3rmit]

Originally Posted by Maranara

Do you know if those sheets or something similar are available on www.dbtselfhelp.com or any other site? I'm working as usual right now but I'll look for them. Thank you.

This is a version of it called "Dysfunctional thought record" which can be downloaded here:


http://www.google.ca/url?sa=t&rct=j&...47244034,d.cGE

Originally Posted by H3rmit

This is a version of it called "Dysfunctional thought record" which can be downloaded here:


http://www.google.ca/url?sa=t&rct=j&...47244034,d.cGE

Cool...thank you.

[adam_k]

I don't have any words of advice. I just hope you find what works for you and get some peace and happiness. It sounds like you have struggled a lot, especially with a mother that doesn't sound very mother like towards you. Just remember there are people out there that care for you and you have made a positive impact on my life in the short time I have known you.

Hi Mar,
The only experience I have had with paranoia came as a side effect of some meds I was taking. I had to stop taking them as I couldn't take it anymore!
Other than that, all I can do is offer you much love and support in your quest to quell the paranoia.
You are awesome and I am so sorry you had such crap from people...its ridiculous!
Lots of love and hugs to you Maranara!
MUAH!

((((Mara)))) are the current worksheets working for you? Do you still want me to send you a copy of mine, as well? I can scan ot tomorrow and send it to you...please let me know.

Also,.how are you doing / feeling?