Letting go of pain and mistrust.

Hi everyone.

I've been going through an extremely difficult time in my life and I could use the support. I have had a few poor experiences and I'm doing everything in my power to try to move on and heal. But these thoughts and feelings are very pervasive. I know that this seems like a pathetic display of self-pity but I'm really trying to change! I'm determined and I will not give up on myself or my happiness.

I've grown to react to other people a certain way.
I've done my best to learn a new way of reacting.
I'm still trapped and alone with these thoughts.
I found myself closed off from everyone.

I know that I am not perfect. I am only human and I make mistakes just like anyone else. But that does not make it okay for me to be mistreated and insulted. I'm severely learning disabled and I struggle to express myself. No matter how many times I've been called retarded, stupid, lazy, useless, and that I should just kill myself already and go away, I still continue on. I'm at peace with the fact that I'm stupid and I do not hate myself one bit for being how I am. There's nothing wrong about being the way that I am today and I am worthy of consideration and thought.

I've tried to move on but I'm stuck expecting to be treated poorly by anyone and everyone.

After reading your post I would never thought of you as retarted or stupid. I think you will find PC to be a very supportive place. A place that you can feel safe from being called names. I think you will like it here. Just look around and post when you feel you have something to say. Soon you will start to know people and make friends. I think it is great you are determined not to give up on your happiness. I'll look forward to you posting.

gayleggg,
Thank you very much for your kind words. That really means a lot to me.

I owe credit to this website and staff for hosting resources and information, such as articles describing how to find a therapist, which encouraged me to reach out to a therapist many years ago.

I do not know why I'm sharing this. Maybe I just wanted an outlet, and I'm sorry if the readers here have become my outlet, because it's selfish. Whenever I look back on my past, I'm frustrated that things aren't different. It would have been nice to possess the skills necessary to form friendships. I also wish that my parents weren't monsters in their own way and that other people have treated me better. So I carefully think about it and write down how I wish I was treated growing up. Then I treat myself with that same amount of kindness that I've always wanted to experience. That's how I've learned to be okay with what's underneath my own skin.

I'm sad, very sad that I don't know what to do anymore. I want to interact with other people on good terms, but I can't seem to pull it off. I'm sad because the funniest, most caring, and stellar person I've ever known has lived his entire life with only the relationships he's ever had are relatives, of which he is mostly isolated from, too. Behavioral health can sometimes tear us apart from each other. It forces us to be alone with our thoughts. I'm sad that I am alone and that other people are alone. The few relationships that I have experienced, whether casual friendship or otherwise, have all suffered at my hands despite my best attempts to keep everyone on positive terms. I cannot convince myself to jump into a zoo's tiger pen and pet the cats unharmed anymore than I can convince myself to interact with other people and remain unharmed.

For a "Stupid" person you sure know how to write good. You are very good writer here. I only see a very high IQ in you. How you were treated when you were growing up, had to do with others problems, and nothing to do with you personally.