[wife22]

just a quick question.
Am I making big deal out of the situation?...my H and I both work,but I take over night coverage so he can sleep. Ok,unwritten agreement,but at least he is not moody and sleepless. What i don't understand is i have been up since yesterday 5:30am : drove kids back and forth to school/activities,worked half the day,did the boring mundane around the house,took his mom to the doctor,them started night shift at 7pm,been up at night and today continued my regular work hours.Came home 7 pm-ish and started homework with my son.My H was home before me in front of TV.Little later while still testing my son and cleaning the kitchen my H declares that he is tired and in no soft or loving voice told me to keep things down,cause he is sleepy.It is 11:24pm,way beyond 36 hour mark i have not slept..and can't even,because i am too anxious...Am I overanalyzing or what? And this is not unusual scenario .

[H3rmit]

You're being a doormat. Talk to him. These kinds of "agreements" should not be unwritten. Sort things out by talking.

[Thunder Bow]

To much clock watching due to anxiety and some anger. Seek some professional help. The situation your in has to change.

[wife22]

Call it frustration and resentment rather . Talking ends up costing more anxiety and finally becomes a fight or "you do not like -your problem. This is marriage,and you are mostly wrong ,if you can not do it -don't "it is usually being said in cold tone , like I betrayed him .when anxiety kicks in because of that he suggests to take ADs,Am I being selfish thinking that I want some acknowledgement ,not harsh words( no matter what kind of present he will get me for bday with words of love)?

[H3rmit]

Originally Posted by wife22

Talking ends up costing more anxiety and finally becomes a fight or "you do not like -your problem. This is marriage,and you are mostly wrong ,if you can not do it -don't "it is usually being said in cold tone , like I betrayed him .when anxiety kicks in because of that he suggests to take ADs,Am I being selfish thinking that I want some acknowledgement ,not harsh words( no matter what kind of present he will get me for bday with words of love)?

You're being reasonable. He is being abusive, unreasonable. This is no way to run any relationship, least of all marriage. We are humans with the powers of thought and speech as well as empathy. Therefore we should use all of those in a civilized manner to treat situations fairly. No doubt your husband would not agree with me. Thankfully, my husband and I agree 100% on this one. It's really nice to be able to resolve things and respect each other all the time, including admitting our mistakes. The fact you even question whether you are being selfish shows you are doing all the work in this relationship and he just sitting back and taking what he can get. I wonder if he realizes how awful he sounds.

[Sunluvr]

He is lazy and exploitive and doesn't care at all how you feel . This couch potatoe has made you into a slave. And you will continue to be exploited and treated unfairly as long as you allow it .In my opinion you two need an objective councilor who can divide up the tasks in a fair manner that you both find acceptable . If hubby is still unwilling to do his fair share , give away the couch and the TV and throw out both him and his beer and his sexist attitude,

[wife22]

He is not awful,I mean he can be charming and convincing,he works hard.i guess he was brought up in a family where everyone wants to be dominant .we have always lived with his parents and he was babied maybe:things has to be ready when he is home from work ,table set to go,etc..I suppose living together did not give us a chance to really get close .,he can and will not go against parent's wishes .even now his parents direct whom we may communicate . My parents and brother are not on their list...just Really hurts time to time.he wants to be happy too ,do what am I doing wrong?i need to fix this somehow

[H3rmit]

No, he's not awful generally, but what you described is awful. I don't think you can fix it alone, but other people may have different ideas for you.

[wife22]

Thanks , and am open to ideas ,because It is harder to dismiss as I get older and I am withdrawing ,getting numb ,if that can describe the residual feelings
Thanks again

[winter4me]

You are not doing anything "wrong". You and your family NEED to be as Included as HIS.
PERIOD.

[Webgoji]

Especially when it comes to raising children, it is the duty of both parents. He needs to pick up some of the slack of taking them places and helping with the school work. In my case, my wife tends to handle the morning things like getting them off to school and such and I handle the homework and driving them to sports' practices and such.

Everything in a relationship is a negotiation where each party should try to get as much for the other person as possible. In this case you guys need to renegotiate so you don't go too long without any sleep. A marriage counselor can help with those steps.

[Perna]

I would look at your life and arrange it the way you want it. I did not understand in your opening post why you were not sleeping during the day, instead of doing the "boring mundane around the house" and how you were working half a day and then that night too? Or was the first half day not paid work? I would create a schedule for myself and see how it could fit, making sure I scheduled sleep time so I did not harm my health as it sounds like you are doing.

As far as compliments; I do not know when the two of you are together and available to each other to "see" what the other is doing? My husband thanks me for fixing him dinner but that is when we are both eating dinner together after I fix it. I thank him for taking the trash out when I see it overflowing and he finally gets around to taking it out, trying to "train" him that it is good to take the trash out before it overflows It does not sound like you two are together very much, working together as a couple should but too much doing what each wants/thinks they "should" without sharing with the other. Does your husband know you work nights so he can sleep then? Have you asked your husband to work nights sometimes too (or why can you not both work days and both sleep nights?) I do not think I quite understand what is going on in your household.

[wife22]

Perna
it may look confusing,but we are both in medical field and covering office and hospital hours along with night admission coverage 4-6 times a month,I am in the office only twice a week the rest is hospital coverage.When we first started I wanted to help out my husband with night time because he gets migraine headaches if doesn't sleep with resultant moodiness.Because we share and cover same practice ,each one of us ends up working in one setting during given day,and to my H credit he wants me to stay home during weekends,unless it is busy and we both work. I don't want to deprecate or diminish his hard work,i guess i am little ?upset,confused? by his attitude:helping him out with his night shift soon became automaticly my responsibility,and when I mentioned it playfully he became upset and spoke to me like i betrayed him.So after long night of work followed by regular office or hospital coverage I am little tired and still attending to kids homework,house chores,etc...,all I want not to feel lonely after. I chose to help him at nights and I believe he doesn't like the idea of me working at nights instead of him,but if I stay in the same room on a busy night he becomes grumpy and upset till i leave the room,so he would sleep.I should add that he will not let me physically be absent from house during the night,and most of night shifts are done from home unless it is an emergency we have to attend .
It may be a bit confusing,but bottom line is :I see in his eyes disappointment and frustration if I try to change the schedule or mention even playfully to take over night shift ( which I will not allow anyway,because it is easier to deal with my fatigue then his headache),or study with kids,or drive them here/there.it was my choice- not unwritten obligation.I suppose simple hug instead of "i am tired,can't do or need to sleep" will do.And his parents like to make decisions and I have to accommodate according to their schedule as well.When they talk neither my H or my in-laws want me tired and overworked,they suggest to take a break or for example give up ironing,but only once ,and again after one and a half day of work and ironing his dress shirts,i asked if it is possible not to wear dress shirt on weekend, he became furious and we had a huge fight(apparently that made him feel disrespected)

sorry for long text,But am I overreacting and really do not understand what the commitment is?