Why can other people 'let go' and I can't? It's been 4 years!

I'm posting this one also in the emotions section,
Because I don't believe what i'm about to explain is part of a disorder or mental Illness, it is more about how to let go of something which will never happen..

I met a guy on my course who has Aspergers Syndrome, although he gets very depressed and locks himself away for days- of course I don't mind that, so we kinda got to know each other at uni, and at the time I seemed symptomless, however his AS symptoms seemed to effect me on a very emotional level, I experienced rejection from him sexually and socially. This began a very long depressive episode which I cannot crawl out of although he really does not care a thing about me.

The situation occurred 4 years ago, and want to know how or why I am still clinging on to someone who does not desire me nor want me in their life.

The fact that my emotions are all over place actually scared him away and now there is no way I can repair the friendship, I feel ashamed and guilty for pushing him and verbally abusing him, but also betrayed by this person, because when we were dating he was sleeping around with other girls and using his AS issues as an excuse.

I feel that he has caused my long term depression diagnosis and heightened my anxious episodes, by simply rejecting me and I feel he has manipulated me. - There are many factors but I think he alone, is at least 45% of my issues.

I feel that others can get over such things, but I can't and want to know why the hell I can't?

Has anyone else been or felt controlled in this way? And if so, how did you combat that particular person (the trigger) to be something different in your mind, other than being a trigger for damaging illnesses and behaviours?

Hello, fembot067. You may be experiencing complicated grief.

DEALING WITH GRIEF AND HEALING THE HEARTACHE FOR GRIEF RECOVERY AND SUPPORT

I wish you well.

IMHO i think you need to find another guy, if you find another guy..you will forget all about him.

it's like that with relationships, until you do your mind and your heart will be stuck on "replay" and will continually replay the traumatic event and keep you locked in this cycle.

i know that sounds like an overly simplistic answer to a complicated problem..but it is truth that i speak.i assure you nothing wipes away the pain of a failed relationship like a new love..(hee hee i just made that up..but i like that), i'll have to remember that!

but yes, find someone new..and dissappear your pain will!

I have tried this before and it failed miserably, after another boyfriend, he was still there in my mind, and made me miserable in that relationship, i don't even think of him as a person anymore, just a thing with this overbearing power and manipulation thank you though, I know you are right really x

I'm having the same problem about not letting go and nothing has worked at all. It doesn't sound like u were in love tho, it sounds like u were insecure n he played on that making you more insecure. He knows exactly what he did to you and these other women. He is a manipulative loser. Honestly I would confront him n tell him how horrible and rude he is. It will make you feel better n hopefully help you move on. Just tell him everything on your mind so it's all out n u don't have to waste another minute of your life on him.

Is you're situation quite similar then?
You're right, I have told him many times and he has always accused me of being a *****. So i was the one to say sorry and all apologetic, he has made me think i'm a bad person. I feel bad because he has AS syndrome but I cannot suffer anymore. Thank you x

I don't think one gets over or "lets go" of something or someone so much as moves forward toward something else. We can only concentrate on one thing at a time and if one looks "back" and concentrates on what one had/wanted/wished for in the past, one cannot move forward because they're facing the "wrong" way? My first love, when it broke up, was "cured" after I got a new job and was doing new things and meeting new people, etc. I found someone new in that new situation and the old situation and person did not have any hold on me anymore.

well he is always going to have a part of your heart, that's just how it is & with the new bf..you probably were comparing the new bf to the old..and nothing he did seemed to measure up..been there before.

so of course he was still in your mind( that's normal). the ex before my last ex put me threw hell and i was insanely in love with her and my last ex before her..kinda helped me through the break up and aftermath..i talked about her A LOT during our relationship..because i was trying to get over her & talking about it helped..after a while it kinda became a problem (oops! sorry about that!)
and she used to get mad, but the more i talked about the things she put me through the better i felt to not keep it inside.

there is a part of you that will always love him, know that..accept it and give yourself permission to move on..it takes time, the girl i speak of it took me 8 yrs to get over her and i stopped speaking to her for 3 yrs after our break up.

now we are friends and i joke about the past..she feels so bad about what she did then..but it's water under the bridge and i am over her now.you can make it..i did..the guy you met just wasn't the right guy & you weren't ready.

just gotta keep trying and you'll get there..hope this helps!

The fact that he used his AS as an excuse to cheat on you just tells me that he's a total loser and has a lot of growing up to do. If you need closure, perhaps you should sit down with him one last time and just tell him all the things that are bugging you. I think that letting him know how you feel will expel any pent up anger/frustration you have with him. I realize that you might not want to see or talk to him again but I really think that venting to him will help.
Four years is a long time to be hung up with someone. If exploring new relationships doesn't sound like something you want to do, try maybe exploring a new hobby instead to get your mind off of him and instead, set on moving forward with your life. I hope you find a way to move forward from this and to find happiness.

Thank you very much, it seems you put hard work into trying to reason with yourself a sense of rationality about the situation. I am very poor at rationalising social situations and relationships, which in this case has also largely been my downfall.

It is nice to hear that you two are now speaking, however I think that once I have evaded this trigger (this guy), there is no going back. But then part of me wants to break that cycle of befriending people, ruining it because i'm tactless with my emotions and it scares people, and then never seeing them again.

He did give me 'chances' in all fairness, when I did lash out emotionally at him, but it was obvious why, because he was bored and lonely and just used me thrice.

all your advice IS helping me get through this.

Hey Lostinparadise thank you for this advice, and it has put things into perspective. I know that what you are saying is right, but I always cloud my judgement with thoughts I want to cling onto, of him, make him cute and fluffy when really he is just a git.

About the one last rant to him, I have done this so many times to him, that it has lost its affect. I feel that him and his friends laugh and sneer at my seriousness of how he is making me feel, and today I realised I can't even go to a day festival in my hometown without feeling paranoid that his friends are out to get me or make me relive what I have said, or acted.

Although I have done the 'one last word in' more than 10 times, I will do it anyway, to finalise for myself what it all is to me.

He is essentially 'winning' the mind control game, because he is in my thoughts negatively more than positively, and it affects my moods and depression more than before I met him. - I should not give him that satisfaction.
But then I do not want to feel angry for the rest of my life because people hurt or upset me, my mind gets clogged and need help de clogging it and rationalising my perspectives.

But then it is not all my fault, and I feel like people have made me believe i'm the totally crazy one in this situation, which is not true,

Thank you xxx

you are welcome & glad i could help rationality and relationships rarely co exist..i can promise you that. i've done some crazy things when in love..i have BPD so at times i can be extremely clingy which can be problematic & i need a lot of attention and affection and constant reassurance..which can be good and bad

as long as there are no surprises..i get on pretty good in a relationship, but when you get dissapearing acts & unanswered texts and things of that nature my BPD goes into overdrive thinking the worst.my one ex that i was so in love with struggled with drug addiction and that ruined our relationship..but i survived..it wasn't easy but i did.

it's a lot easy for me to be rational when i'm not in a relationship..but much harder when my feelings are involved, because i feel so intensely(which is good and bad IMHO) and love so deeply..which can be kinda scary for someone that's not used to that & of course that's not real common for a guy to be that way, so that complicated things further..but, i still try to make my way.

i think that you can too, once you get past this..in time..you won't think about him as much. because you don't have someone else to love and care for..you are still longing for that..so of course your heart subconsciously is going to go back to him because that's what you remember. i assure you, you meet the right guy & fall in love, you'll wonder what took you so long

obviously that will take time and effort, but knowing what you want and don't want in a guy will go a long way towards making you happy again and helping you move on! hope this helps! & i'm glad i'm helping you get through this..it's tough..not easy at all!