I hate myself so much right now. I don't want to live. I am so self centered, but every time I try to be better I ruin everything. I am not good at anything. I am not good at my job, I only stress my boss out. I hate myself. Why can't I do anything right?
So I find myself incapable of thinking of anyone else, desperate for attention, hating my mom for not noticing my pain and trying to do something about it. Every time I tell her she just tells me to do something. She never does anything. She never lifts a finger to cheer me or go out of her way. She seems to think even though I live with her, that I'm capable of handling this. I don't know what to do. I was a puddle on the floor. I hide my breakdowns because she doesn't help when I tell her about them. She didn't help me find a therapist last time, even though she said she would. She said she'd do everything. I did everything because I thought I was gonna hurt myself. I was so scared.
But I didn't stick with it and nobody not even my own mother will make me do it. I feel so alone. I didn't trust my therapist. I hate myself. I have no friends because of this. I have no skills. I can't go on.
I thought I could survive, but surviving isn't good enough. I have to love something. I love nothing.

[XSleepingSiren21X]

I'm very sorry for your suffering, my mother as well as my entire family is like this to me as well. I understand what your going through, I deal with similar pains and distress myself at times. My mother treats me like a dog that should just play out in the road, if all she cared. I get emotionally abused and in a state of worthlessness a lot.

I'm sorry if I'm not a help, but know there are people out there, like here, who want to help you, if you desperately need someone to talk to, you can PM anytime.

[Lemon Curd]

I don't like myself either.
My role at home was supposed to be, slave to the family.
My mom was a very sick lady.
When I found my strength, I ran away, as fast as I could & as far away as I could go.
I somehow knew, I had to protect my sanity. The little I had left.

I want to apologize for this post. Sometimes I post online in an agitated state and my words are exaggerated. My mother is not emotionally abusive. She just withholds very slightly (but since I live with her and am depressed I feel it far deeply than I should). She grew up with a mother who was probably the same. My grandmother seems just slightly distant as well, like there's a veil of religiousness between her and myself.
I'm sorry! I feel so bad about this... I don't want to get empathy by exaggerating or falsifying information... What I wrote was true, but it was mostly how I was feeling which was beyond reality.

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

Are there issues here with that difficult period being between finding yourself an independent life and living at home but being grown up?

[Open Eyes]

(((bluedonna92))),

It's ok, you needed to "vent/rant" that's all. The important thing is there may be "some" truth to your rant, and you are expressing a lot of frustrations you are having with yourself and all of that surfaced to where you just needed to vent it all out.

You say you are in your 20's right now, are you early, mid, or late 20's?

Also, I noticed you tend to eat sweets and carbs sometimes, the reason you crave these at times is because they raise seritonin levels.

You should investigate taking vitamins.

What was your major in College? Also you talked about loving Dance too. You don't have to get good enough to be a professional dancer you know. You could study dance and then open a dance studio where you teach young children to dance.

You mentioned trying to waitress and how stressful that was, well, not everyone is cut out for that and don't work well under high stressed out bosses or dealing with the soap opera that typically takes place in these environments.

You talked about being an opare too, well, then maybe you like being around children and should look into either teaching dance or some other avenue where you work with children yet have your own life too. When someone is an opare they typically only get to stay with one family and don't get all that much exposure to other interesting things.

((Hugs))
OE

Yes I think I'm having difficulty because I feel like I'm reverting back to childhood. I live at home and don't have my own car (I share one) so it's really hard to feel or act independent. Even when I had a job, I still had low self esteem because I was waiting tables and you have to have thick skin (or lots of alcohol) to deal with that kind of work.
Maybe vitamins could help. Yeah, I definitely think that sugar and chocolate are my go-tos bc they give instant highs...
I am not sure if I want to pursue a career working with kids. Sometimes I think I'd enjoy it and be good at it, but sometimes I'm not so sure.
I guess I'm impatient and stuck. I want to have a chance to try several different options before I have to choose, but I also desperately want to leave home and learn from being independent, and that will limit my choices of jobs.
This paradox gets so frustrating that I have SIs and feel pretty hopeless all the time. I can't really talk to anyone about it. Though maybe I should get a new therapist.
I kind of want a friend to talk to. Thanks. Sometimes this message board is the only place I can talk to people about my emotional life.