[Shame11]

All,
This is incredibly difficult for me to even discuss. Please bear with me. I accept that this may upset some of you and rightfully so. To those I offend, your anger could never compare with the level of regret and remorse I feel each moment of the day. All I can do is ask for your forgiveness.

6 years ago, I was in my 20s and in a relationship with a person for a year. It was decided that she would move states to move in with me and this was a person I thought one day I would marry. It was an exciting time, but also kind of scary as I had never lived with the person I had dated before. In the final days before this person was set to move across the country and into my place, I learned that she was going to be bringing her cat with her. I never had a cat before. At that point in my life I would consider myself a dog person. I didn't like cats, my only experience was that my neighbors cat was this mean awful animal who would hiss at us as kids and bite us if we tried to pet her. I told her that my lease said that I could not have any animals. I let her know that my mom was heavily allergic to them and that she came over a lot and I was worried that she wouldn't be able to anymore. I was left with basically no choice. This relationship I worked so hard for so long over this long distance all hinged on a cat. We moved forward. He was a few years old and had free reign of her house in his previous situation. I'm just going to come out and say this, as my heart beats through my chest.

I abused this animal for about 4 months when he first came into my house. There were times he was on the counter, I'd push him off the side, I sprayed water on him when he'd jump onto places I didn't want him. He hissed at me when I was trying to walk to the kitchen and I once smacked him on the nose. I once yelled at him so loud that he went the bathroom on the floor. I also sprayed water directly from the shower on him, and after I hurt my back took excess icy hot and put it on his little nose.

As the tears run from my eyes right now, all I can tell you is how sorry Iam. How sick writing this makes me. How awful I feel. How I'm haunted by this daily. Before you hate me, please read the rest of this story.

This animal taught me more about life than any human being I have ever been around. He taught me love, compassion, dignity, grace, forgiveness and the painful eternity of poor choice and regret.

I did not do this on a daily basis, but it happened as I mentioned above, those incidents did take place. Most of the time I simply ignored him. I will not attempt to justify my actions except for telling you how I was feeling in those times. I felt what I now see as misdirected anger and frustration. I lived in fear each day that I could be evicted for having a pet. I was resentful for being put in a position of having been so invested in a relationship that hinged on this animal that I didn't even know anything about. I viewed him as a source of something that would keep my family who is allergic away. Cats leave hair all over. Cat's have a litter box which isn't always the most sanitary thing to have especially for those not used to having it inside in a small space. All of these are NOT excuses, they are my ignorant mindset of me at this time.

It was in March, when something bad happened in our relationship. I was cheated on. I was upset, and alone. This cat came over to me in my time of sorrow and nudged me on the head as if he was worried about me. This one act of compassion forever changed my life. I sat there starting at him and in that moment I broke from the ignorant, immature, cruel, egocentric inhumane fog that had clouded my brain. This poor innocent creature had lived in a state of fear for 4 months because I was a complete jerk and a horrible person. The guilt began in that moment. And that is the moment everything changed.

I began taking care of him. I never laid a finger on him again. I never even recall having a bad thought about him. No longer did I objectify this living breathing creature, he was innocent, pure, and good. I became the one that fed him, bought him treats, took naps on the couch with him. I became the one who he warmed up to. I became the one who loved to buy him toys to play with. He became everything he should have been from day one. And the closer I got the more my guilt turned to shame. When the relationship ended, by that time we were so close, it wasn't even a discussion. He was now mine.

Over the past 5 years, I have apologized to this animal at least 1000 times. Sometimes hysterical in tears, other times with a pain so present and sharp that I was just thankful his head nudge and purr reassured me that he was ok. But each and every time it was sincere and from my heart. I have rescued 2 cats over the past 5 years. One I found outside of a local store, emaciated, ticks, fleas, worms, mites, and barely 1 pound. I spent 1000.00 at the vet to get her well. I nurtured her each day in a separate part of my house back to health while my original cat waited anxiously for his new buddy to emerge. I found him a friend, and it was challenging but they spent good years together. The other I found in my building and nursed back to health, both were abandoned by their mothers. I gave her to a family member where she remains to this day, loved, and happy. I have donated money and invested in foundations to save and rescue cats, all in the name of my buddy who changed my life.

I have become a lover of cats. They are the most unique and beautiful pets to me. Affectionate, loving, challenging, rewarding, sincere, loyal, fun, and beautiful. I owe this to this cat. For the past 5 years he got his check ups regularly, I fed him only the best food. I read up on everything there was to know about cats. Everything from being sure to introduce moisture into his daily diet to ensure his kidneys were healthy to wheat grass to understanding the way they communicate so that by ittle "blinks" he'd know I love him. He taught me forgiveness. He loved me. Through any bad time he was my silent companion always near. He always could read my moods and was there for me through a lot of hard times. He took naps with me, sat outside with me, greeted me each morning and would fall asleep in my hand at night. I love him. With every piece of my soul.

Two weeks ago, on a morning no different than any other, I woke, and got ready for work. I came downstairs and found him dead in my kitchen. All I could do was yell no, no no over and over again. I picked him up gently and rushed to the vet, running red lights along the way. When I got there I parked out front, rushed in and begged for help only to be told it was too late. I could not accept that at age 8 he had died so suddenly. I requested an autopsy and it was performed. It turns out he had a silent killer called HCM. It's almost totally undetectable, genetic and is the number one cause of sudden death in house cats. I was devastated beyond words. He came up to say goodbye to me the night before. I was going through a tough time with a new relationship and he gave me two big head nudges and fell asleep in my hands contently, as I rubbed his head he put his paw on my arm and I leaned over and told him I loved him, that I was so sorry for what I had done years ago and that he was always there for me and I loved him more than words. He rolled over and looked at me content and in the morning he was gone.

The guilt that was always present has turned black inside me. I feel a pain and shame so awful that no words can express it. He changed my life. I never did that before and I find it absolutely disgraceful that it ever happened. I spent the last 5 years of my life trying to repent for what I did. And his unbelievable love and forgiveness were healing. But there is one thing I can not do. I can't forgive myself. We had so many amazing fantastic times, videos of him leaping and playing, pictures of him cozied up with me for a nap, but none of those perfect moments can shake the images of fear in my mind that I saw on his face in those moments from years ago. Perhaps rightfully so. This isn't some suicide call, but I do feel if I were to be struck down by some divine cause, I would welcome it. I deserve it. What happened does not represent how I was raised, how I've ever been, or how I've been since or ever will be. Perhaps that's why it hurts so much. I just want to apologize to the World for what I did and let you all know how sorry Iam. Anything you think about me or feel could never sting half as much as I feel myself.

I loved him with all my heart and soul. He changed my life. I just wish I could have had more time to continue making up for what I did wrong.

[hamster-bamster]

Aw, I am so sorry. As I see it, you did not abuse the animal. You did one thing wrong only - you yelled so loud that he went to the bathroom on the floor. The rest of what you describe - water and all - are common and innocent pranks that some cats and cat owners enjoy. Then, the cat was there for you. I can picture that - when I am in danger from not sleeping and anxiety and all, my two cats are right by me, as if on a vigil.

Apparently, the woman who brought the cat into your apartment has since defected. You ended up living with an animal you did not mean to own. The woman was exceedingly strange in her own way, because not to tell your partner, however LD the r/s is, that you own a cat is not something that an average person would do.

So you went out of your way, gave the cat a very good life, had a very good parting and the last good bye with the cat, rescued other cats... why do you still feel guilty? The killer was silent - there were no lapses in care and nothing could have prevented the death. 8 years is not so young, either.

Objectively, you should be grieving, but content. Content that you gave this animal a good life even though you got stuck with him against your will.

[Shame11]

Thank you for your kind words. I can tell you I did what amounts to abuse. I didn't want him in my house. I held a hatred for him for a short while. I call it abuse because what I did, in those moments was feel anger, and I took it out on him. I was thinking back and remembered more in writing that like a flash back. He jumped in the shower once to just investigate it, and I turned it on, but the door was shut. He wasn't in there long he got right out. I also dumped water on him one time. And left him in a bathroom for 3 hours another time. My guilt is in the look that is forever etched in my mind of his face, in total fear of me. It literally makes me sick. I had to leave work yesterday I got up from my desk and walked out when the memories came back. It's all I can think of. It's deplorable. It's disgraceful. It's disgusting. Even the times I just ignored him, the thought that he lived for 4 months in total agony and fear. My god, how could I have done that? I was never abused nor have any urge to do anything like this, but for some reason i did. I have tried so hard to make up for this wrong, but I have learned the most crippling lesson that life has every taught me. You can not undue the past. I must own the decisions I've made. I refuse to deny nor forget what I did. It happened. I thought of it often, but he was there for me to hold, to give him a kiss and in tears tell him how sorry I was, to love him with every piece of my soul in those moments. I know he forgave me. He was never fearful of me after that because I never did it again. Yet I can not forgive myself. I guess I always thought I would have more time to make this horrible wrong right but to lose him so suddenly and to wonder if he had this heart condition when I did those things to him, make me sick. I grieve for him like a person. A part of my soul died with him. He represented the very best of me and the worst of me, and I feel like I let him down. The vet says there is nothing I could have done. But he was still warm when I found him. He said it must have happened minutes before I came downstairs. All I think of are the promises I made to him that I would take care of him forever and all the times he was there for me. And in his moment of need, I wasn't there. I was upstairs showering when he was dying on a cold floor. I let him down. I wasn't there. Even if I couldn't have saved him, I wish he would not have died alone. I wish I could have held him tight, told him it was ok, and that I loved him so much, and was so sorry.

I have a very big heart. I think sometimes people can rationalize actions because those actions aren't far from who they really are. I'm not what I was to him those 4 months, I try to live everyday as an honest, loyal, good person who wants love and has a lot of love to give. My actions were so far from who I'am that I find them impossible to process or to forgive. This death has triggered a sense of post traumatic stress, and I deserve each moment of it's horrible grasp. I truly feel there is no way to fully undo the wrongs of my actions. I feel worthless. I gained nothing from what I did. It was misplaced anger, resentment and frustration for having to give up my own space for something I did'nt want at all nor could have, a pet. That is not his fault. That is my fault for even viewing that in such a sick, horrible, immature and egocentric way. He was innocent. And I'm forever guilty of what I did. I own it. I just don't know how to make the hurt stop. I know it's an animal and I don't mean to trivialize war, but I feel the way people describe having flash backs, I just can't seem to get these images from my mind. And I guess in a way, his passing represents a clock whose time has run out. I guess I felt for so long that as long as there were times to be shared, I would get to a place of acceptance. I now know and realize that no matter what I ever did, even if he had lived to be 20, would ever shake me of these repressed feelings that are now ever present because our time together is over.

I would literally do anything. I would take 5 years off my life, for the option of erasing those 4 months from ever happening. I would. Without a second thought. To live my life in dignity vs the eternal haunting of the way I acted would be worth it. Something I wouldn't even give second thought too. But I know that isn't an option so in a way, I wonder if this hell that I'm in, is just a consequence for what I did. And I deserve it.

[hamster-bamster]

Oh my... you wrote such a long post berating yourself with elaborate negative adjectives, and yet, you still did not explain how come you and not your ex partner ended up caring for the animal that she brought to you.

The cat clearly died a sudden, painless death. The vet told you so. There was nothing to be done. there was nothing preventable. My cats stayed for three hours in the bathroom when movers came in - many cats actually prefer tiny places and when cats are fostered (I have done some fostering), oftentimes it is recommended that they start off in a new home by being locked in the bathroom. So by itself, three hours spent in the bathroom for a cat is nothing. For you it would have been bad. I wonder if you anthropomorphize your cat. The way you described the look of horror on his face when you opened the bathroom makes me suspected that anthropomorphizing might be at play, at least partially. Usually, when a cat is locked and then the door is opened, the cat either quickly runs out of the bathroom not looking at anybody and then hides under a bed or couch, out of reach of humans; or, the cat does not move at all, staying where she was, or even moving further back into the corner of the bathroom.

I need to go to bed and I recommend that you repost in the forum about pets, to get a reality check from many cat owners. Something in your post sounds off; I have survived the deaths of many pets and on this forum many people posted about losing their loved pets, and I have seen a gamut of emotions others and I attach to that loss, but I have never seen quite an example like yours. when you write about flashbacks, they do seem real, and overall, your experience does evoke the image of combat PTSD. There is a forum about PTSD as well. Post there. You need to get help - your feeling of guilt and shame are out of proportion, excessive, and not congruent with the fact that you basically fostered somebody else's animal for 5 years during which only 4 months were bad but the rest were great and the end was as sudden as it was painless. You have excessive guilt and shame - that is for sure. Other than by posting on those specialized forums, help can be obtained by engaging a therapist. I do not know what would give you the fastest relief, but that you need relief badly is crystal clear. Please get help for yourself! You gave a good life to the cat - give it to yourself now!

[Shame11]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

Oh my... you wrote such a long post berating yourself with elaborate negative adjectives, and yet, you still did not explain how come you and not your ex partner ended up caring for the animal that she brought to you.

The cat clearly died a sudden, painless death. The vet told you so. There was nothing to be done. there was nothing preventable. My cats stayed for three hours in the bathroom when movers came in - many cats actually prefer tiny places and when cats are fostered (I have done some fostering), oftentimes it is recommended that they start off in a new home by being locked in the bathroom. So by itself, three hours spent in the bathroom for a cat is nothing. For you it would have been bad. I wonder if you anthropomorphize your cat. The way you described the look of horror on his face when you opened the bathroom makes me suspected that anthropomorphizing might be at play, at least partially. Usually, when a cat is locked and then the door is opened, the cat either quickly runs out of the bathroom not looking at anybody and then hides under a bed or couch, out of reach of humans; or, the cat does not move at all, staying where she was, or even moving further back into the corner of the bathroom.

I need to go to bed and I recommend that you repost in the forum about pets, to get a reality check from many cat owners. Something in your post sounds off; I have survived the deaths of many pets and on this forum many people posted about losing their loved pets, and I have seen a gamut of emotions others and I attach to that loss, but I have never seen quite an example like yours. when you write about flashbacks, they do seem real, and overall, your experience does evoke the image of combat PTSD. There is a forum about PTSD as well. Post there. You need to get help - your feeling of guilt and shame are out of proportion, excessive, and not congruent with the fact that you basically fostered somebody else's animal for 5 years during which only 4 months were bad but the rest were great and the end was as sudden as it was painless. You have excessive guilt and shame - that is for sure. Other than by posting on those specialized forums, help can be obtained by engaging a therapist. I do not know what would give you the fastest relief, but that you need relief badly is crystal clear. Please get help for yourself! You gave a good life to the cat - give it to yourself now!

Thank you for your reply. My ex and I (when we were still together) tried to work through the cheating, and I did my best to forgive her but I learned a lesson about what happens when trust is lost in a relationship and we stayed together probably a bit too long "trying" but remained living together for another year. By the time that came to a conclusion and we decided to go our separate ways, I was far removed from those horrible 4 months and had moved into the phases listed above where we had a great relationship and he loved me and I loved him. In fact the thing is, I fed him, played with him, showed interest in him, took naps with him, and felt so bad for the way I had treated him the more I fell in love with the little guy, all to the point where he didn't want anything to do with her anymore, he essentially became "mine" In fact it was so obvious to the point where when she ended up moving out after the split there wasn't even any debate, she said, geez, that's YOUR cat now, I'd feel bad taking him the way you two are. So he became mine.

I think what burdens me is the trauma of the way he passed and the finality of no longer getting more time to make up for the way I was to him way back when. In essence, it closed the book on that chapter, with no more opportunities to "right" many wrongs.

I never told anyone about this, I think this reaction you speak of is the culmination of 5 years of build up. It's like a hurricane inside me that had 5 years to build up and is being let out. Talking about it has helped greatly. And I hope anyone reading this understands my sincerity and functionality of my conscience with the fact that it's not like anyone would have ever known any of this. It's my own guilt, my own remorse, my own pain as a result from a lot of growth and maturity that made me want to just admit to this shame I've carried.

Thank you for your understanding ear, and your time. Ultimately, all I want is to somehow forgive myself and to be at peace. But I will carry on my promises to myself to do anything I can for any animal ever in need, as long as I live because of my actions back then.

I saw a kitten on the side of a gas station 3 weeks ago, and had paid for gas, but went inside and bought their 2.99 version of dry cat food, looked around, and dumped that bag behind the building so he could have something to eat.

I've turned my car around and been late for work because I saw a turtle trapped on the street with no way to get up over the curb on a hot day and as a vulture waited nearby. I pulled over and moved him to safety.

I'm not asking for praise or reward, I'm merely communicating that my sincerity is real, and I carry out these things in real life whenever I can, to help something innocent and helpless, and to try and ease my own pain of guilt.

But losing my little guy kind of brought it all back and the realization that I won't have any more opportunities to simply love him and say I'm sorry is hard.

[possum220]

Dear Shame,

Cats are very inquisitive about things, especially showers. Sometimes they do jump up on the counter because they haven't been taught otherwise. Sometimes they do stick their face in your bowl of cereal. At times they do things that are annoying and do need the occasional spray of water. "Watering" a cat is a good form of discipline because they don't associate the punishment as coming from you.

Please try and forgive yourself. The cat forgave you. Your heart was changed towards the animal. You do have a big heart and the pain of losing this cat in particular because it bought changes in your relationship with our feline companions. The fact that you learned from what happened is a good thing. Let yourself grieve. Losing a pet can leave a huge hole in our hearts. You need to forgive yourself for actions that were outcome of a failing human relationship. Celebrate the feline relationship that you ended up with. Cats are great companions. Some people are too.

[Shame11]

All,
I honestly appreciate the kind words. But I need to own the way I behaved. I did not do these things because I was trying to discipline him. I did them because when he first came down I was resentful, angry about having it forced on me, and anxious because of the fear of losing my place bc I couldn't have pets there. My behavior was misdirected anger. I intentionally took it out on him, when he would do something wrong or several times because I was just frustrated and mad. And a few really awful times because I felt a hatred for him. It was never my intention to seriously injure him, or to kill him. I didn't even really have an intention. I just made some of the worst decisions of my life by objectifying a living breathing creature who was innocent and took out a lot of immature long term meaningless frustration and directed it towards him. I didn't like cats then. I've learned how common that is, but can't understand why despite the fact I was once like that. Notice people when asked, "do you have a dog or a cat?" They may say, no i don't have a dog or no I don't have a cat, but a lot of times there is an added "I hate cats" but never "I hate dogs" Point being, these poor animals get a bad rap. Remember, this is someone talking about events of 5+ years ago, I'm not that person anymore. If I witnessed myself of then, by myself today, I would beat myself senseless for what I did. My point is, some people lose their anger and kick a door, smack a wall, smash something outside, or throw something around the room. All objects. I basically applied that same principle to this animal. I can not simply my actions. They haunt me in my head. They were not harmless. I scared him so badly. He wouldn't even come into a room when I was there. He just sat, alone and afraid on the stair. Maybe that's where I wanted him then, out of the picture back then.
You all are supportive and good people and I sincerely do appreciate your kind words. And I'm not arguing or disagreeing in anyway. I know he did forgive me. I know I changed. I know I owe him for showing me so many amazing lessons about life. I know I tried to avenge myself, to repent and I apologized countless hundreds of times. I know I did my best to do things in his honor to save other animals, etc. But in the finality of his passing, comes, much like a human death, a vision of all the things you regret about the past. And I can not escape the fear in his face that I caused, or the agony and suffering of anxiety and stress I probably induced in him for those months. I did not get joy out of it. There was no sadistic pleasure. I just didn't treat him like a living thing that could feel pain. I treated him like a lot of people would treat a mouse in your house or an armadillo burrowing under your lawn. As a pest. And the shame I feel about that is so great, that it literally makes my heart race, my mind race, robs me of sleep, makes me cry when I'm alone, makes me pray for forgiveness. And it robs me of closure. Despite all the good, I just can't get over the bad. The way I grew to love him, appreciate and today miss him, makes those memories that flash into my mind almost unbearable. I want to collapse when they flood in. Maybe that's just my reality and an awful lesson that I must live with. But I can't seem to find any reason to ever let myself forgive my actions despite the 5 years of love that followed.

[Angelique67]

I know you feel all kinds of horrible but what would make you feel better? It sounds like you want to punish yourself for eternity. Your beloved cat did forgive you, and the 5 years he had with your love are more than a huge number of cats and dogs ever get with real love, so you still come out on the plus side of the equation. You gave him a good life. Chances are excellent that if you'd never shown him any hatred he still would have died at exactly the same time and way while you were elsewhere.

If you need to beat yourself up eternally OK. But there's no reason for it. You learned your lessons and both you and your cat are better off for having met. Every cat deserves to be loved happily as you and he grew to love each other. If the cat had only ever known your ex, what a cold relationship that was, that she didn't truly love him either.

You and your cat both came out on top, and you both have a lot to be grateful for. You took him from a really pretty lonely existence with your ex to a happy and fulfilled life being truly loved. That makes up for everything that came before. I understand your self hatred but if you could understand this maybe your self forgiveness could begin.

[Shame11]

Originally Posted by Angelique67

I know you feel all kinds of horrible but what would make you feel better? It sounds like you want to punish yourself for eternity. Your beloved cat did forgive you, and the 5 years he had with your love are more than a huge number of cats and dogs ever get with real love, so you still come out on the plus side of the equation. You gave him a good life. Chances are excellent that if you'd never shown him any hatred he still would have died at exactly the same time and way while you were elsewhere.

If you need to beat yourself up eternally OK. But there's no reason for it. You learned your lessons and both you and your cat are better off for having met. Every cat deserves to be loved happily as you and he grew to love each other. If the cat had only ever known your ex, what a cold relationship that was, that she didn't truly love him either.

You and your cat both came out on top, and you both have a lot to be grateful for. You took him from a really pretty lonely existence with your ex to a happy and fulfilled life being truly loved. That makes up for everything that came before. I understand your self hatred but if you could understand this maybe your self forgiveness could begin.

I'm not sure I can put in words how much your response meant to me. To get all that bad out and for someone to still see the positive. That's all I've ever wanted. To right a terrible wrong. I guess I was never really sure I was doing enough but I guess it probably is that simple. Thank you so much.

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by Shame11

I'm not sure I can put in words how much your response meant to me. To get all that bad out and for someone to still see the positive. That's all I've ever wanted. To right a terrible wrong. I guess I was never really sure I was doing enough but I guess it probably is that simple. Thank you so much.

I'm really glad if I helped. I torture myself also with guilt about my cat's old age and death. Writing to you helped me also, I realized she really did have a good life with me. Just as your little cat had with you. True love is a very precious experience and both our cats were as lucky to have us as we were to have them.

[hannabee]

You know I hated you after the third paragraph and ALMOST stopped reading. But I'm glad that I didn't...you redeemed yourself by the end of the post. Kinda like you did in the cat's eyes, right?
We ALL make mistakes that we are ashamed of, the difference only lies in the magnitude of the offense and then again in the penance we deliver back. We're you a nice guy???HELL NO...did you learn and change and grow from this grievous mistake??? Yes, so you know what, you now continue the process of forgiving yourself and it may just take a lifetime. You certainly are not alone in this, though. Big hug for you.

[Shame11]

Originally Posted by hannabee

You know I hated you after the third paragraph and ALMOST stopped reading. But I'm glad that I didn't...you redeemed yourself by the end of the post. Kinda like you did in the cat's eyes, right?
We ALL make mistakes that we are ashamed of, the difference only lies in the magnitude of the offense and then again in the penance we deliver back. We're you a nice guy???HELL NO...did you learn and change and grow from this grievous mistake??? Yes, so you know what, you now continue the process of forgiving yourself and it may just take a lifetime. You certainly are not alone in this, though. Big hug for you.

Thank you so much for your honest feedback. Your forgiveness means a lot to me. I went through a lot of pictures tonight and consolidated a bunch of stuff into one place. I loved him like a family member. I feel that I can finally begin to move forward and I credit those like you, who took the time out of your own lives to invest in someone you've never met, by lending an ear. Thank you so much. God Bless, and know that your opinion means so very much to me. I will have to live with that forever, but I need to forgive myself for the fact that there is no possible way it could ever happen again. Therefore there is no guilt. There is only a lesson learned. I'm going to devote this emotion into grieving for the little guy who is responsible for all of it. Thanks again.

[likewater]

Part of this is you feel guilty for your kitty's death bc you weren't there. People and cats often don't want their loved ones to see them pass. My Grandparents were not leaving my Dad's deathbed so he asked for a glass of water. When they went to go find it , he passed. My Grandma passed like at 3 in the morning when she would have privacy. I didn't know until I woke up to give her some pain medicine. I remember feeling really guilty for her death as she got pneumonia after falling while I was in the bathroom putting my hair up. I felt responsible. For whatever reason those feelings are natural but not the truth. She was elderly and had lung cancer. Your kitty had a heart problem. No person or animal lives forever. I now feel my Grandma with me often. I believe your kitty is still close to you. We have all done things we are not proud of. You are a brave person to admit it. You have grown as a person. Show yourself the same warmth and compassion you have for kitties and turtles. I'm like you, I think. I pick up worms in the rain and put them back in the grass and gardens so they won't drown in the rain. I have a dog who is a cat lover and we have 3 cats. My animals are the sweetest things. My one cat doesn't greet me or rub against me when he comes home, he rubs against the dog and greets her. I always find them together.

[Shame11]

I do feel guilty about his death. I never even heard of this disease and the vet said that its often asymptomatic until sudden death. I feel guilty bc he had a heart condition and I had no idea. He probably should not have been introduced to a new kitten I found. He was so stressed then and although he adjusted cats do act different around other cats. It's like the hierarchy makes them keep their "game face" on all the time. He was not often his funny loose self anymore bc the kitten was so hyper and distracting. I still had my moments with him though. The kitten always slept alone and would hide. She was 4 weeks feral when I found her so that instinctful "hide"part of her character always came out and she loves to find a cubby or covered nook to sleep. When it was just me and my original cat at night he would turn back into the giant snuggler I knew. Always purring, he loved to have his belly rubbed and he'd flip over on his back with his little paws pearched together. Thank God we had one of those moments the day before he passed. I even told him how much I loved him and he put his paw on my arm. I don't think he knew. I think it was a silent bomb that detonated without warning. The trauma of finding him in the morning is incredibly hard to get past. It's one big mess and ultimately I just miss him so much and wish that I could have done something, wish I could have had more time with him, wish I could have told him how sorry I was another 1000 times. The sudden shock of the finality of it all and in such a cruel and abrupt way is so painful. As you all can see I grew to love this little guy like a family member. And with all of my heart. His loss is so great. I miss him so much. He used to wait on my patio for me to come home, when I look and see nothing I feel empty. To go to sleep and not hear his meows to announce he was coming into my room, I can't rest. The memories a few awful and mostly great haunt this house. His hair is all over. And worse the other cat keeps looking for him.

[nicoleflynn]

Please try to be kind to yourself....Use that blame and shame.....to make a difference in the world....that is what I am doing; it takes you out of yourself when you are helping others; you could also help support an animal shelter...volunteering, etc. My cat is 13 (72 in human years). I (not intentionally) cut off a part of his tail ; ;I was holding the door open and closed it too soon....I felt horrible, but it couldn't be helped....you have so much empathy and compassion.....now use it/them!.......Hugs

P.S. You could plant a tree in his memory.

[Shame11]

Thank you all so much. Just talking about it, and getting it off my chest has been very helpful. I have to accept the way I treated him. I can not and refuse to live in denial. The pain I feel, is half the pain and fear he must have experienced. The only thing I can do is forgive myself. I was wrong, I made horrible decision. The solemn depth of my regret and the sincerity of my actions to repent for them are the only ways I can right this wrong. The past is the past, all I can change is the present. I did that. For five years I gave him a great home full of love, companionship, and attention. He forgave me. In doing so, I was taught lessons of compassion, grace, and dignity that no human being or life lesson has ever taught me. I'm forever grateful for these gifts. The gift of forgiveness, the gift of my time with him, the gift of change, and in a greater sense, the gift of such pure, innocent and genuine love. I will miss him forever, and every time I see an animal in need, any chance I have to make a difference, I will take action. Now that he is gone, that is the only way I can continue to seek forgiveness is by helping other animals. I will do that in his memory. I pray I'll see him one day again and want to just say to him one last time: I love you buddy. I'm sorry for the way I treated you when we first met. I hope I was able to prove to you how sorry I was and how much I love you. Thank you for loving me. Rest peacefully.

Thank you everyone.

[boomerango]

Originally Posted by Shame11

I'm not sure I can put in words how much your response meant to me. To get all that bad out and for someone to still see the positive. That's all I've ever wanted. To right a terrible wrong. I guess I was never really sure I was doing enough but I guess it probably is that simple. Thank you so much.

I am so sorry for your loss. It touches me deeply. your love healed and formed the bond between you and your cat companion. i hope you can find a way to let your love also heal your own heart.