Why people say nasty things then act like nothing happened?

Is this correct behavior or a character flaw? People will say nasty things, take shots at you and after that they act like nothing was ever said. Then they expect you to act friendly towards them. I don't get it. It's prevalent in the workplace and everywhere. It's like being two-faced. How should you act/react? I have never taken shots at people. I always keep any thoughts to myself. If anyone can explain it or have any relevant stories that would be great to hear. (I've had supervisors/bosses take very personal shots at me at work for little to no reason (w/o being a bit constructive) then they expect you to show them full respect - and this was while working for Military as a civilian. I can never make sense of it for yrs afterward.) Another thing is that Psychiatrists and/or Psychologists really don't like getting into discussions about situations like this and help you make sense of them.

When I'm with my friends they often like to joke around, they take some of your 'flaws' and rip on you for it, I'm OK when people that know me and are close to me do that, but if some vague acquaintance does the same, I get pretty upset sometimes.

I have a very good friend now, we don't talk much, but he really does appreciate my friendship. It wasn't always like that, in the beginning, I hated him because he picked on some of my flaws. Over time, he got to know me, part of him realized that his jokes were hurting me, and the jokes stopped, and we're very good friends now. I'm not saying it was right for him to joke about my flaws and shortcomings like that, but I guess it's something people do.... he redeemed himself, not everyone dose.

Many people are just nasty, or have their own internal problems. You're not going to change them, so you need to change the way you react to their comments.
For me, I'll give a snide comment back and walk away. I try not to engage with people who try to put me down.

I think that your bosses/supervisors have insecurities of their own and want to make YOU feel bad for it instead of blaming themselves.

I heard somewhere the military tears down the individual to mold him or her the way the military wants the person to be (part of the group)

Gangs often beat-in a new gang member.

Bullies are likely always looking for their next victim.

Companies/organizations are often hierarchical which to many people must necessarily mean "feces rolls down hill"

Some people "act like nothing" because they have been brought up in such a poor manner they really don't know they have been offensive.

Some people "act like nothing" to hide from themselves their own bad behavior.

Some people "act like nothing" because they want to rub salt into the wound they themselves have created.

Some people "act like nothing" because in order for the group to survive as a group, the people think it must be this way (I'd think the military--and gangs--would fall into this category).

But as someone else here has pointed out; you don't have to put up with it.

You can quietly say: "That was uncalled for" and let it go at that (to engage in arguing or expressing hurt feelings might only feed their inner bully)

You can quietly say: "Pull that again, and I'll [call HR, go up the food chain, take my business elsewhere]"--whatever fits. But say it quietly, calmly and firmly and do not further explain.

If necessary answer the person as if they did not just act like a creep to you. Then stop interacting with them unless or until you have to.

Move on completely to a different job, circle of friends, whatever fits.

I am not a subscriber to the idea that it is okay for people to whizz in my face -- as long as they eventually start treating me right or apologize.

I am talking about adults. Adults should know better than to be offensive and if they don't, they don't enter in to my line of sight.

I hope this helps.

I try to call people out on those things immediately. 'Excuse me?' is always good if you don't have time to come up with anything else.

People's perceptions can be momentarily warped so they say something and don't even realize how it could sound to the other person. And, if you don't call them on it, they're never going to know so aren't going to be able to be on the look out for it. That's what boundaries are for, to let people know where they are in relation to you and how you perceive what they say. We all get wrapped up in ourselves sometimes and what we're saying isn't really about the other person but ourselves. If I'm a slob and see another slob :-) I'm not necessarily going to be glad to meet a fellow slob, I'm going to work to not identify with that characteristic and put it all on you. Militarily, think of drill sergeants and how they want to be perfect so find the tiniest things wrong with their recruits? Those most insecure in themselves are the worst offenders.

Speak up if someone crosses the line and says something ugly to you. If it is a boss, do you want to work for someone who like that and does not want to work to be a better person by hearing what you have to say? If you fume inside, that's not being respectful of yourself and you should always be #1 in your life! If you knock your own self down by not allowing yourself to set boundaries with others as to what you will tolerate or not, you will probably end up depressed at some point.

I agree that people who do this kind of thing are very insecure, and feel they have to put others down in order to build themselves up. These kind of people never make good friends. I've worked with people like that myself (I think we all have at one time or another) and they are toxic, dominating, and the only way they can feel good about themselves is by cutting others down. They will usually pick only on people they sense are "weak," and by that I mean people who won't stand up to them, are too polite to get in their faces about it, or shy people. I got picked on one place I worked, by one very nasty, obviously unhappy woman, and even though it took me 5 years I finally quit, and have never been happier!

Well, I worked as an engineer and engineers are taught to analyze everything to death. My **** retentive supervisor was to the point where he analyzed my personality and attacked me with things like "I can't see you as being 37 yrs old", (referring to my persona/work: ) "I've never seen anything like it before". This guy was still back in high school sizing people up so I quit and filed bankruptcy - he could have that job.

Thanks for the feedback and stories. Makes me feel more at ease.

I'm amazed you don't realize you're being verbally
abused. It's time to stop it! Quote:"You get the behavior from people that you are willing to put up
with without protest. Your silence is CONSENT!"
Invest in some books on assertiveness for dear self,
meanwhile reply to comments thus: "Yeah,you could be right", or "Yeah,I can understand why you
might think that" (means nothing but puzzles critic),or "Yeah you're probably right enough." or
simply, "Yeah,possibly". But of course words like
probably etc.,are not ever definite are they? You
know different. Try them out,they're great! Oh, I
forgot this one: "That's not acceptable to me!"
Good Luck,
BLUEDOVE

This was one of my own mother's favorite tricks...like gaslighting...I always found it hard to actually say something (because I would then be called "hypersensitive" or some excuse) but I did finally just go no contact.

With others, I like to say something like "Why would you say such a thing to me?". "Do you have any idea how that makes me feel?" and "how can you expect me to just go on and act like you never said that?"

You are worth as much respect as anyone else.

I am with Hvert on this - if you let it slide (and I am a great one for letting things slide) the bustards become emboldened. In any case sometimes, often times even, they are not bustards and have just been thoughtless and a mild check is all that is needed.

Now if the unacceptable behaviour continues, you will have to fall back on your contract of employment, job description, performance review, company grievance policy and such legal employment protection rights as exist in your region. Firm but civil often wins the day.

'Excuse me' is good - I am going to practise.

I have PTSD so when this happens to me it can be very triggering tbh. I do have a lot of this in my personal history that came from people who had issues and were angry and took it out on me. Either that or another person decided my challenging emotions were unwarrented when the person had no experience or knowledge about me or what I did or achieved.

One of my sessions with my therapist was about how so many people I have come across are unable to see things from my POV at all or just be "respectful" at least. He told me that unfortunately a lot of people simply can't empathize and put themselves in the other person's shoes at all. He said that unfortunately there "are" some very selfish people out there in society and yes they can be "mean" and say nasty things and act like what they say that is worded in a demeaning and disrespectful way was nothing at all.

I tend to pay attention to others in a way where I look for things about the other person I can admire about them. If I get to know someone for a length of time and "listen" to that person long enough, I have no problem talking to the person for a couple of hours even where I can point out their positives that I admire. Since I have developed PTSD and have been working through how others have been selfish and at times even "bullied" me, I have done tests to where I can have a conversation with these people for quite some time and they are more than willing to spend that time as long as it is about their good points and satisfying their "ego". However, what I have noticed is these same people are very "incapable" of returning that same recognition to me.

For example; I got a call from my older sister on Monday and she said, "I need to vent" and began talking about "herself" and as she was doing that I find out that my older brother had a heart attack and is in the hospital. I have learned that I need to listen to all about "her" and what "she" is going to do and that "if" I want the conversation to come to an end, all I have to do is talk about how "I" am affected. I do not think she would ever be truely capable of talking to me for even an hour where she can point out "my" positives.

When I had a stress breakdown because I really did suffer a great deal of loss due to my negligent neighbor, I ended up in a psych ward. I had gotten to a point where the loss was just so overwhelming that I suffered a post traumatic stress breakdown, however, I did not know what that was. I was so bad I could not stop shaking, even now, when I am stressed I shiver as though I cannot get warm at all. My sister came in to visit me and basically yelled at me while I sat across from her "shaking" and exhausted. She basically told me to "put on my big girl panties and act like an adult" or I would lose everything, my marriage, my farm, everything. She did not even try to sit next to me and give me a hug or comfort me AT ALL. I ended up spending Thanksgiving in that awful place sitting at a table eating hospital type food surrounded by strangers that were very confused and heavily medicated and mentally ill and some even pretty damn scary.
All the while my older sister had "her" wonderful Martha Stewart Thanksgiving gathering and NO ONE even came to see or visit "me" that day.

When she talked to me about my older brother and how "awful" hospital food is, I think about that Thanksgiving where that food "socked" and how abandoned I felt. Oh, how I wanted so badly to say how much I really "know" all about "hospital food" and also being "scared and lonely and feeling abandoned" too. However, it would be a waste of time and effort as the conversation would abruptly end.

November and the holidays are always very "hard" for me. It is when I found out that in spite of my "caring and listening and comforting others" in my life, in my need, I was abandoned and treated as though I was very wrong to have struggled so much because I suffered so much loss of living animals that I really loved very much due to someone's out right negligence.

Yes, my older brother is in the hospital and he has a slow bleed inside him they can't seem to find, and when I talk to my older sister, the conversation is all about "her" and again how she is the only one that is "in charge" yet again and how it is "all about her" and what she is doing. I wanted to send my brother some flowers or something, but, unfortunately I have no credit on my credit cards because they are basically closed while I keep trying to pay on the debt created from my negligent neighbor's dog where I had so many veterinary expenses. I am on a hardship program because I could not pay the monthly payments, so I have no credit. But she sent him flowers and a stuffed animal, it would have been nice of her to at least say it was "from all the family with love", but no, instead it is "all about her" and yes she acts like it is "nothing".

OE