[clandestinelament]

Finally managed to write something.

Hate myself anger and scaredness - I hate (and don't trust) myself an extreme lot. I don’t think I deserve anything ever at anytime, from anyone, anywhere or anyhow. I consider myself and everything about me inferior to others (my opinions, thoughts, feelings etc.). I never talk to anyone, often don't even say the bare minimum, because I don't trust them ("those ****ing bastards", I think in my head. I simply hate humans at this point for all that (hurtful) which they've done to me and all those others who've not done anything for me at all (who couldn't be bothered.)) I ****ing hate myself not to be able to say these things or anything else to others and I hate others for being as they are, in which position they're more of an impediment than offering me the help that I need (and desperately 'pray' for). I am ****ing scared of what's beyond it, if I were to speak; the future, what they're going to do to me, criticize me for, that they’re going to get in my way, disrespect me, a turn of the tides for them (after which they treat me completely differently).

Unsupported - Feel I've been trying everything in life to get support, but it’s just not there and doesn't exist (councillors and professionals can’t find a diagnosis other than Depression, PTSD and anxiety for me, but I feel there's sth more there, much more. They're the health professionals, but it frustrates me so much that if ‘they’ can't do anything, who else could or how, what can I do???!!!!)) And I've been really dangling on the edge of suicide for a very long time. CBT approaches had been tried, but I don’t buy into those or put up with them.

Frustrated that can’t progress - I am ****ing frustrated, helpless and powerless over my daily disconnecting and detachment all the time from almost everything. I am also very frustrated over my hugely ingrained/self defensive avoiding and denying behaviour patterns (partly as a result of feeling inferior to others. E.g. when others feel a certain way, I feel/believe I don’t have any thoughts, feelings or don't deserve anything anymore). I am extremely frustrated when I see others who are able to do well in all those things I don’t/can’t do well in and are 'doing much better' in approaching, thinking about or even just wording (e.g. talking at times about) their personal things (when they’re struggling (a lot.))

Quiet person - I tend to be the timid/quiet person who swallows (many of) his words, thoughts and feelings (as well as bottles things up), rather than to let them out (often because I dismiss what I said/thought myself (as my parents always used to do (so, probably as a result of them doing it and still hearing their voices in my head) and all the criticism, bullying and betrayal I’ve received from others)). I also often assume the whole world already knows what's going on for me, what my thoughts etc. are, as I am always paranoia that when I’ve spoken to someone about sth, or think sth, the whole world knows that I think that. So, I feel totally exposed, anxious and ready for people’s criticism and snide comments all the time.

Harsh on myself - I am always extremely harsh on myself. Constantly saying to myself "OK <me>, you've said enough (bullocks, time consuming and off-topic) things now, shut the **** up!” And that's (even though I’d rather not admitted it at this point (because it sounds contradictory)) when I've basically hardly said anything yet.

Unsure how still alive - I've been created out of this planet and will be absorbed back into it when I die, but at the moment, I have absolutely no idea how I am still alive.

[BLUEDOVE]

Hi Clan,
Many years ago I was very like you.Could
not understand why people were so critical and
cruel. Well,to answer that,they are like that because
they are extremely insecure,and extremely stupid!
Becaussseee,they think that to put someone down,
it raises them UP. How they figure that out,I'll never know. Anyway,there are some things you will
HAVE to do to get out of this self-condemning,
self-hating predicament you are in. 1.Anxiety: I had
anxiety for years,and considered it a 'living death'.
Then one day,not long ago,I found out I had TRANSFERRED anxiety I had felt with my parents
to the world at large. In short,the child in me had
'made it up', (without knowing,and at an unconscious level), thus the TRANSFERENCE !
Ah,the criticizing,and the betrayals? The misery I
endured through that was/is incalculable,so I know
how you feel. I had huge inferiority complex too.
Really,when I read this,it was me all over again,
but not now,thank God. Your bad opinion of self
is,of course,from your parents.There is a thing called,"The Auditory Imprints",which is all the
negative input from parents still running like a tape
recorder in our heads.So,if you are not at least in a
'neutral' state of mind,it will be all the recordings
still playing (you already have idea this is so).
O.K., that's enough of negative stuff,now some ways to obtain your freedom. No 1. Beg,steal,or
borrow money to buy these books on self-esteem:
"Honoring The Self", and "The Six Pillars Of Self-
Esteem",both by Nathaniel Branden. Also,you need
this one to help your self criticizing, "Self-Compassion", by Kristin Neff. I'm from UK too,so
it is good to help fellow Brit. Right NOW, hang on
to that info about 'Auditory Imprints', keep telling
self, "this is NOT coming from me,even though it
seems like it is,it is THEM inside my mind,it is
NOT MY FAULT!" Now,do get those books,look in
Waterstone's Marketplace, and you'll get them
second hand,which will allow you to buy them at
about half-price or cheaper. Hope this is of some
help to you,if you need anything clarified,message
me.
Deepest Respect,
BLUEDOVE

[avlady]

i am sorry you feel so bad about yourself!!!i would buy the books suggested, you can learn alot from them.I also have an inferiority complex, not too bad anymore. i got alot of help here just reading and posting and venting which helped greatly. there are so many people with similiar situations its nice to know others know what i'm talking about and going through. I was abused by my family and it is like a tape recorder the things they said and did to me. now we are all one big happy family after years of therapy for some of us. There were 11 kids in my family, i was basically neglected being the 2nd eldest i had to be a role model so anytime something happened i would get blamed for some of the crap they gave out. it caused my inferiority complex because i just couldn't be good enough, although i wasn't any saint and did do some stupid things. i would do anything to get away from them by getting into bad relationships and such. Keep your chin up, things change, that is why i mentioned about my family, sorry to rant but things can and do change for the better hopefully.

[peaceseeker63]

For me, the most imoortant part of reovery is self compassion. We can be so hard on ourselves that we can't see anything good in ourselves or the world. If you can strart forgiving yourself for whatevery it is you hate, and realize it is a choice, your life can change.

[waggiedog]

Hello and good evening/good afternoon. I'm from the UK too, I have big issues regarding self hate and feeling inferior all of the time. I have never felt that I ''fit in'', the only time I felt that I did fit in and was accepted as who I am, was in the Psych Hospital!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Been there a fair few times I can assure you. I'm glad that you've decided to post, honestly, and I'm glad that you decided to be here. Are you having any support outside of here? Sorry, too many questions, but I just wondered if you have a Psych Dr or understanding GP. Hope to see you around here soon. HUGS. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Lady Courtesan]

It always surprises me in here when people talk about how horrible their family is and what an awful effect they've had on their lives...and yet-they still hang around with them. I ditched the soul eating trolls in my 'family' many many years agao and sure I am much better and saner without them than with them.

If you hang around small people, they will make you feel small. If you hang out with effed up people, they will only make you feel effed up.

The only people who are allowed into my life now are the ones who enrich it. Smaller circle of friends but much better quality.

I don't hate myself anymore. Why should I? I didn't request this freak show in my head. So I don't blame myself for it anymore. It's like blaming yourself for haing cancer or kidney disease or breaking your leg.

You know inside yourself if you are a good person-stop letting other peope muck it up and confuse you. Did you step on a kitten today? Did you deliberately hurt someone else's feelings? Did you knock a senior down so yu could get ahead of them in the grocery lane? No?

Then you are probably a nice person. I reward myself with kudos and good thoughts, and usually chocolate for the random acts of kindness I do everyday.

Hang around with some good people for a while. And eff em if they can't take a joke.

[clandestinelament]

Originally Posted by BLUEDOVE

Hi Clan,
Many years ago I was very like you.Could
not understand why people were so critical and
cruel. Well,to answer that,they are like that because
they are extremely insecure,and extremely stupid!
Becaussseee,they think that to put someone down,
it raises them UP. How they figure that out,I'll never know. Anyway,there are some things you will
HAVE to do to get out of this self-condemning,
self-hating predicament you are in. 1.Anxiety: I had
anxiety for years,and considered it a 'living death'.
Then one day,not long ago,I found out I had TRANSFERRED anxiety I had felt with my parents
to the world at large. In short,the child in me had
'made it up', (without knowing,and at an unconscious level), thus the TRANSFERENCE !
Ah,the criticizing,and the betrayals? The misery I
endured through that was/is incalculable,so I know
how you feel. I had huge inferiority complex too.
Really,when I read this,it was me all over again,
but not now,thank God. Your bad opinion of self
is,of course,from your parents.There is a thing called,"The Auditory Imprints",which is all the
negative input from parents still running like a tape
recorder in our heads.So,if you are not at least in a
'neutral' state of mind,it will be all the recordings
still playing (you already have idea this is so).
O.K., that's enough of negative stuff,now some ways to obtain your freedom. No 1. Beg,steal,or
borrow money to buy these books on self-esteem:
"Honoring The Self", and "The Six Pillars Of Self-
Esteem",both by Nathaniel Branden. Also,you need
this one to help your self criticizing, "Self-Compassion", by Kristin Neff. I'm from UK too,so
it is good to help fellow Brit. Right NOW, hang on
to that info about 'Auditory Imprints', keep telling
self, "this is NOT coming from me,even though it
seems like it is,it is THEM inside my mind,it is
NOT MY FAULT!" Now,do get those books,look in
Waterstone's Marketplace, and you'll get them
second hand,which will allow you to buy them at
about half-price or cheaper. Hope this is of some
help to you,if you need anything clarified,message
me.
Deepest Respect,
BLUEDOVE

It makes absolutely no sense to believe, I behold it with a huge disbelief anyhow, that 80-90% of the general people around me, of whom many are so critical are all "extremely insecure" and "extremely stupid". That'd mean to dismiss a huge lot of people.

Sorry, I found it really difficult to understand what you meant with a lot of things, because of your inconsistent writing style and I've got Dyslexia. But I'd grasped from it that there were many things in what I'd written which you were able to identify with from your past self and I've seen the books you've suggested. You seem quite self-aware overall.

About 'the things not coming from me'-bit, the Auditory Imprints, it's hard to find out what my own personality is (part of why I hate myself is, because I've got nothing to love Myself for (because who is that self, the I person?)), who I really am, if all I do is and has been copying from others (including parents).

[clandestinelament]

Originally Posted by Lady Courtesan

It always surprises me in here when people talk about how horrible their family is and what an awful effect they've had on their lives...and yet-they still hang around with them. I ditched the soul eating trolls in my 'family' many many years agao and sure I am much better and saner without them than with them.

If you hang around small people, they will make you feel small. If you hang out with effed up people, they will only make you feel effed up.

The only people who are allowed into my life now are the ones who enrich it. Smaller circle of friends but much better quality.

I don't hate myself anymore. Why should I? I didn't request this freak show in my head. So I don't blame myself for it anymore. It's like blaming yourself for haing cancer or kidney disease or breaking your leg.

You know inside yourself if you are a good person-stop letting other peope muck it up and confuse you. Did you step on a kitten today? Did you deliberately hurt someone else's feelings? Did you knock a senior down so yu could get ahead of them in the grocery lane? No?

Then you are probably a nice person. I reward myself with kudos and good thoughts, and usually chocolate for the random acts of kindness I do everyday.

Hang around with some good people for a while. And eff em if they can't take a joke.

I've done the same thing. Families are all different and it's all different for everyone, but I'd recognized their toxidity and smothering effect ("ditched the soul eating trolls in my 'family'" is a good way to put it) and after I'd tried everything I could to improve things, but no chance for a change, as abuse is all that they keep inflicting, I'd ditched them. I can't control people to change and if they absolutely refuse to, that leaves you no choice.

Things like 'I didn't request this freak show in my head' I can really identify with and I think, as I imagine a family and one's parents naturally ought to be loving and nurturing since you were a child, it's something nobody deserves (to be treated so badly (which doesn't mean their dictatorial voices and the guilt felt haven't left my head.))

[clandestinelament]

Originally Posted by avlady

i am sorry you feel so bad about yourself!!!i would buy the books suggested, you can learn alot from them.I also have an inferiority complex, not too bad anymore. i got alot of help here just reading and posting and venting which helped greatly. there are so many people with similiar situations its nice to know others know what i'm talking about and going through. I was abused by my family and it is like a tape recorder the things they said and did to me. now we are all one big happy family after years of therapy for some of us. There were 11 kids in my family, i was basically neglected being the 2nd eldest i had to be a role model so anytime something happened i would get blamed for some of the crap they gave out. it caused my inferiority complex because i just couldn't be good enough, although i wasn't any saint and did do some stupid things. i would do anything to get away from them by getting into bad relationships and such. Keep your chin up, things change, that is why i mentioned about my family, sorry to rant but things can and do change for the better hopefully.

If you're in my isolated situation, having people who are in similar situations and know what you're talking about isn't 'nice', it's an absolute must/desperate craving.

An inferiority complex, getting into bad relationships and such could be part of codependency, couldn't it?

Some people and things change, others might sadly and truthfully never.

[clandestinelament]

Originally Posted by peaceseeker63

For me, the most imoortant part of reovery is self compassion. We can be so hard on ourselves that we can't see anything good in ourselves or the world. If you can strart forgiving yourself for whatevery it is you hate, and realize it is a choice, your life can change.

I often can't see the difference between self-compassion, self-indulgence, ignorance/avoidance/denial to comfort yourself or others, or even to shrug things under the rug. All very different concepts I suppose, but a mystery to me what they mean usually.

I don't know what you mean by forgiving for this and that. It's true a lot of things in our lives are choices.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Lady Courtesan

It always surprises me in here when people talk about how horrible their family is and what an awful effect they've had on their lives...and yet-they still hang around with them. I ditched the soul eating trolls in my 'family' many many years agao and sure I am much better and saner without them than with them.

If you hang around small people, they will make you feel small. If you hang out with effed up people, they will only make you feel effed up.

The only people who are allowed into my life now are the ones who enrich it. Smaller circle of friends but much better quality.

I don't hate myself anymore. Why should I? I didn't request this freak show in my head. So I don't blame myself for it anymore. It's like blaming yourself for haing cancer or kidney disease or breaking your leg.

You know inside yourself if you are a good person-stop letting other peope muck it up and confuse you. Did you step on a kitten today? Did you deliberately hurt someone else's feelings? Did you knock a senior down so yu could get ahead of them in the grocery lane? No?

Then you are probably a nice person. I reward myself with kudos and good thoughts, and usually chocolate for the random acts of kindness I do everyday.

Hang around with some good people for a while. And eff em if they can't take a joke.

Very good suggestion! My t told me it is ok to limit my interaction or even stop with toxic relatives. She told me not to feel guilty that I don't call or seldom see them. If it is bad for my mental health then it is ok to step back completely.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by clandestinelament

I often can't see the difference between self-compassion, self-indulgence, ignorance/avoidance/denial to comfort yourself or others, or even to shrug things under the rug. All very different concepts I suppose, but a mystery to me what they mean usually.


I don't know what you mean by forgiving for this and that. It's true a lot of things in our lives are choices.

I think I know what she/he means. I made some bad mistakes recently but I can't move forward unless I forgive myself. I had to stop beating myself up

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[eggplantlife]

I too am not feeling good about myself today. I have been working hard on not beating myself up. I'm actually the person that family stopped talking to. People ask me why would i want them back. It's because they are my family. I know it was bad with them but there is something about belonging. But i have learned this past year that it may be the best.and that i need this to grow.

I'm kind of not doing well right now so my mind isn't functioning right, but i feel this thread is important.

This morning i seemed to come upon articles are women feeling themselves after leaving a relationship or finding themselves. They seemed to have find joy eithin themselves and got themselves into better relationships. Maybe i am closer to it and today is just a set back.

I really feel like a useless person because i haven't been able to accomplish much or whatever i tried failed.so i have been working on new dreams.

I don't know if this adds to the talk as i wrote before, i too am not doing well today. I am trying to figure a way out of this hole i am feeling.

Walking didn't help as it was cold. So doing meditation now.

I hope you are doing better now.