[changeisdifficult]

Okay, this is my first post so please go easy on me and my problem is just stupid in general but it's affecting my life for too many years. I want it to stop.

So a little back story might be necessary before I cover what I would want to cover.

Before I met the girl when I was 12 years old in middle school, I had a difficult childhood for the most part. I might have been weak or just too spoiled compared to what my parents went growing up but it was rough. I try not to think of the bad things that happened in my past and just move forward. But anyway…
Growing up I was fortunate to have two loving parents. Despite being loving, they didn’t know how to handle me and had many communication issues that may have led me to a dysfunctional lifestyle. I don’t hate them at all for what they did, I just know they made a lot of mistakes while raising me. So I should share a little of what my parents went through.
My father grew up under poverty in Asia and was in a generally abusive household, he would eventually be placed in custody of his father, who was a gambling addict, and would never get to see his mother for years (about 10 I think or maybe more). He climbed out and is a better person than what he could have been. My mother, also from Asia had a strict and unfortunate childhood. Her father used to be rich but lost all of his money through a bad family business. He was a very frugal person and gave the bare minimum to his family. He provided for things that were important like a college degree, clothes, but he wanted to save every last bit of penny. Around the time my mother was in middle school, her father lost all of his fortune and wasn’t able to provide resources for a better future so he told his family to pick their bags as they were moving to America. Shortly after in America, my mother’s mother hits terminal and passes away shortly. My mother fought with depression for many years and was able to overcome but her life was rough needless to say.
Under my parents care, they were very religious Christians who were driven to do the right thing and raise good children. Whenever I caused problems and didn’t know any better, my parents would use physical discipline to correct me. I hated everything about it and started to grow a habit of lying to get out of the pain. I never understood why they would act that extreme until I was around the third grade. For my father, he never thought he was creeping to the edge when he was comparing his childhood. I totally understand my father, he did something wrong but he didn’t know any better and I can’t resent him for what he did or else I would be the thing I hated growing up. My mother wanted to be supportive to my father and would address all the issues when the children were not in sight. I can understand that she was trying set good role models for us. But years going through the same process and moving countless times eventually placed me with a low amount of self-esteem. I thought I was a messed up child. A mistake, they would provide whatever they could under my father’s low income as a pastor. I understood that money was tough and they would sacrifice what they could. I would feel terrible whenever I would disappoint them and make them angry. It was confusing growing up as well because at school, I tested as gifted for exams, but the teachers hated me because I had an uncontrollable personality. School always bored me and I never really did my homework. I did fine on most exams and tests I took considering I barely studied for anything. But I would hate school because teachers would look down on me, kids would look down on me as well on the playground. I would come back home and deal with bringing in more disappointment with my parents.
So let’s fast-forward towards Middle school. Many, I thought middle school would be great because I had a fresh start and can focus on redefining who I was. My family moved again to a new city on the last year of sixth grade. I made new friends, tried to push for grades and break my old study habits. I eventually broke down and had to deal with the same cycle again. Normally my grades were Bs and As with one F on a class I hated to be in. That F would show up randomly on different classes. I remember in 7th grade it was history for one quarter, pushed it towards a B on the next quarter, but I would get an F on math then push it towards an A, then the cycle repeats over and over again. I had to deal with parents going ape **** when they saw the grades as it drove them crazy because I wouldn’t do my homework for that class. But it was in middle school where I met that one girl. While I was a 7th grader, I didn’t care too much about her considering I didn’t have any classes with her. But in the 8th grade that changed.
In the 8th grade I had an English class and briefly a science class with the girl. I never understood why but I had these strong mixed emotions of hate and crush on her. The girl was very bubbly, nice, flirty, and a bit optimistic. She had a lot of self-confidence. She was basically the total opposite of what I was. But she would piss me off quite a bit for the first quarter. She may have liked me or not, but it was hard to tell considering how bubbly she was. But it wore me down and I eventually found myself attracted to her. I hated that feeling and it made me try harder to push that girl away from my life. Those actions made me crush on her more. I had many sleepless nights where I would just stare at the wall and think what if we were together. But when I woke up and went back to school, I would try a lot to push the girl away from my life. The cycle repeated until graduation day. Upon graduation of Middle School, I learned that my family were moving to Asia for a job opportunity that my father had. For him, it meant more money and an easier life. I felt confused about my feelings for the girl. But I had to accept the fact I was never going to move back to this city ever again like the other times my family moved. I remember I wrote a confession letter to the girl and sent it on Myspace. Yeah I know middle school kids are raging with various hormones right? Haha but anyway that was lame of me and I still regret doing that. Because I would eventually move back to the city in 2 years.
My life in Asia made me feel isolated and I still couldn’t get her out of my head. I was halfway around the world from her and I still had to deal with my feelings for her. I wanted to erase her from my memories and I wasn’t able to do it. Either way, my life in Asia wasn’t helpful and I was homeschooled at the time which caused more problems in the house.
So the time I move back to the states, I was literally driving my parents insane, and they were driving me points to where I was breaking down. I was enrolled at the same high school that the girl was attending and I didn’t know how I was going to handle it. I dropped the ball and eventually my parents brought me back to home school. I sometimes had to travel with my father because my mother wasn’t able to handle me. Eventually I accepted the fact I was never going to see the girl ever again and moved on but I just wanted a what if, time to time. I never had a felt strongly for a girl like I felt for her. I don’t have any problems with girls but I’m way too detached and I always go back thinking about that girl. I could never commit to a relationship because I was afraid to.
I would always think to myself, maybe tomorrow I would think about her less but that never really happened.
As time passed by, I grew up, resolved most of the issues I had with my parent, went to college a bit then switched to online because I couldn’t handle the people in the school. But I found myself in Asia again. I work, do my classes and push towards a better future. I resolved my feelings on why I hated her. I was miserable and she wasn’t. I wanted what she had and I wanted to be with her because of that.
So, recently I learned that the girl got engaged. I am mixed with various feelings of pain, anger, sadness and others. I am mostly angry at the fact that I was blinded by hurt feelings and I didn’t have the strength or will power to work harder to get out of the hole of depression and low self-esteem. I can’t blame her or get mad at her. I hardly know her and I think it’s extremely unhealthy for me to still hold feelings about a girl I hardly know. I want this feeling to stop. I want to move on and burry it away. I had chances to get to know the girl, be her friend and see if we had good chemistry to even begin with. I never took action and I regret that I didn’t do anything about it. I spent the whole day distracting myself with coding. I just want to keep myself preoccupied until the feelings pass. I know this is unhealthy and I need advice to grow as a person.
So If you read that huge wall of text I posted, I am truly sorry for the many grammatical mistakes you had to bear!!! It is late where I am and I really wanted to share this story with somebody. When I have the time, I'll try to edit the post so it can be easier for others to read. I can’t really create a TL;DR but if you can that’s cool. Anyway please share any feedback, questions, or advice!

[healingme4me]

Living in regret isn't living, per se. As your post mentioned, unhealthy and you've a desire to move forward. Sorting through what it is about her that drew you to her, may be symbolic of certain qualities, that you maybe able to add to your own persona and perhaps seek out in another, for a relationship.
Hopefully, you're able to establish a more here and now relationship which may help relieve the built up fantasy effect of the girl, from your past.

Sent from my LGMS323 using Tapatalk

[Bill3]

I just want to keep myself preoccupied until the feelings pass.

You could try facing the feelings rather than turning away from them.

I know this is unhealthy and I need advice to grow as a person.

Do you see a therapist?

[changeisdifficult]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Living in regret isn't living, per se. As your post mentioned, unhealthy and you've a desire to move forward. Sorting through what it is about her that drew you to her, may be symbolic of certain qualities, that you maybe able to add to your own persona and perhaps seek out in another, for a relationship.
Hopefully, you're able to establish a more here and now relationship which may help relieve the built up fantasy effect of the girl, from your past.

Sent from my LGMS323 using Tapatalk

Thanks for reading and responding.
Living in regret definitely is not living. I did work on my developing a happier lifestyle with a bit more self-esteem for many years, but maybe it wasn't enough.

I'm currently in Asia right now and I haven't been able to click with the girls here for a relationship. I feel more comfortable being back home in California specifically when it comes to girls.

I also have a problem being way to detached if I try to work on something that is just to different for me. I would eventually do something I would regret so I'm just hanging out with friends here and there while I wait for my time to return to California. Maybe, I can find a girl that could bring me happiness. Hopefully one with stronger symbolic qualities than this girl...

[changeisdifficult]

Originally Posted by Bill3

You could try facing the feelings rather than turning away from them.


Do you see a therapist?

Hey Bill, thanks for reading and responding. Facing these feelings is just too difficult for me right now and I'm just keeping myself busy with writing code. It's just relieving to be in a state of mind where I need to work and think like a machine.

I have seen a therapist at my old school, but honestly it didn't do much for me. :/ I really want a way to move forward from these irrational feelings.

[Thunder Bow]

Only way fro you to move away from those "irrational" feelings is to see a therapist. You got good recall, that will help much in therapy. In your case, coping will not be enough. You 1st post was a lot like code.

[Bill3]

Facing these feelings is just too difficult for me right now and I'm just keeping myself busy with writing code. It's just relieving to be in a state of mind where I need to work and think like a machine.

Right, being a machine brings temporary relief from the feelings, but it does not solve the problem.

You might was to look for someone who does exposure therapy. Your situation is akin to someone who has a fear of elevators, or of crossing the street: confronting the fears step-by-step, preferably with a therapist to guide you, is a recognized way to find some permanent relief.

Maybe you saw the wrong therapist? Finding a good one that does something besides being a sounding board is tough, but well worth it. I can relate to what you're going through, its awesome you caught on to it being unhealthy. Please consider active therapy

[changeisdifficult]

Originally Posted by Thunder Bow

Only way fro you to move away from those "irrational" feelings is to see a therapist. You got good recall, that will help much in therapy. In your case, coping will not be enough. You 1st post was a lot like code.

Thanks for reading and responding. I honestly didn't expect my post would be like code lol. I've studied psychology before a bit, but I eventual changed my major because studying it made me depressed even more as it reminded me of countless times I was right with various different relationships. I think my problem is that I don't talk about these feelings to other people. I just keep them bottled up and no matter how hard I try to move forward, it just resurfaces.

I've met different psychology professors as well, but I was quickly able to notice that most of them either didn't really care too much and felt obligated to help because I was attending a Christian university. Or the other problem was that I felt they weren't intellegent enough to handle my problems. Like I would be able to predict too many moves and reach a conclusion faster then they could. Honestly, it makes me feel like a freak that I could do such a thing. Studying psychology just put names on various things I already figured out to myself. Reading 400 level textbooks is where I benefit the most but I would get depressed because I wouldn't be able to handle the memories that resurfaced.

I'm more comfortable talking to a small collective group of friends with high intellegence because they can keep up with the conversation. The only problem is they have their own problems and struggles where they can't keep dedicating the time. They want to help, but they have responsibilities as well so I am just limited on the number of people I can talk to.

I guess the reason why sharing my problem helps is because I wouldn't bury it and move on. I would output my distress and move on with less weight. This forum definitely helped me so far.

Again thanks for reading and responding.

[changeisdifficult]

Originally Posted by Bill3

Right, being a machine brings temporary relief from the feelings, but it does not solve the problem.

You might was to look for someone who does exposure therapy. Your situation is akin to someone who has a fear of elevators, or of crossing the street: confronting the fears step-by-step, preferably with a therapist to guide you, is a recognized way to find some permanent relief.

Yeah, working doesn't solve the problem but it helps me pass the hormones that I'm feeling as time passes by. It's just my long-term solution to this problem thats a bit of a gamble.

I wouldn't say exposure therapy would benefit me. It's not a fear of taking things step by step, if anything I feel like a strong cognitive behavioral therapy would be a better approach. My behaviors are irrational, not fear related. I would regret my decisions that I have made. I feel more regret than fear. Once I hit a strong feeling of regret I would regress into depression. :/

I mean exposure therapy is a part of cognitive therapy but I feeling like the problem is regret. Whenever I would make a decision, I would carefully exam the choices. If I believe that the choice is not in my favor then I wouldn't initiate that choice.

My main focus as of right now is to not fall back into depression and throw my life away. I know I have potential, but I never really worked hard to be an efficient person. I've been a slacker way too long. I'm just tired of barely studying to get a B. I want to work hard to have different opportunities and have the strength and will power to act upon it.

Maybe myself analysis might be wrong and confusing, and maybe you are right. But as of right now, I'm just rationalized to avoid depression at all costs.

Thanks for responding again.

[changeisdifficult]

Originally Posted by KaraD

Maybe you saw the wrong therapist? Finding a good one that does something besides being a sounding board is tough, but well worth it. I can relate to what you're going through, its awesome you caught on to it being unhealthy. Please consider active therapy

Hey KaraD, thats for reading and responding. Also thanks for the hug.

I definitely agree that I saw the wrong therapist. However, I'm just at a semi state of panic right now and I feel like my time would be better invested towards developing skills to provide me different opportunities. Like being completely independent from my parents and hopefully provide an IT related service or become an indie developer.

I am currently investing all of my time towards developing my programming ability in five different programming languages. I just want to use whatever potential I have left and capitalize on it before it becomes too late.

Developing my coding ability is kind of my way of active therapy. I think your insight is great but I just need to be productive at the moment and keep my mind distracted so I won't slump back into depression. If the problem continues, hopefully I'll have enough money to pay for a good therapist.

I'm glad you're keeping busy, that's what helps me as well

[changeisdifficult]

Originally Posted by KaraD

I'm glad you're keeping busy, that's what helps me as well

Thanks, it the only logical option that I see right now. Hopefully things will turn out better.

[changeisdifficult]

Just a bump, I'm still feeling pretty low about it. It's hard keeping me distracted from this..

all i can say is i relate. and for me, it just took time. and i needed a distraction. unfortunately that distraction was a terrible abusive relationship that i was confused throughout. BUT, i've met someone else who i trust and can be honest with about all of my feelings - good or bad - and we talk through them and work things out. i wish the best for you my friend.

[Tamster]

i have found the best thing for me is a constant distraction, like in school I went full time year round on a scholarship. I did not waste a minute trying to outrun demons and get better grades and professor input to my transcript. Now mind you when school was over and owning up came I had to battle my way into the work force and use my amazing schooling to make a difference, but remember the longer you run the bigger the problem seems to get. Mine finally hit me square in the face 3 years ago and I have been unable to fight my way all the way back even today. So I say deal with your demons now, they will only be there waiting for you later. Changes you are a worthy opponent to your demons go get them.