How was your day?

I remember playing tag or some other game where somebody was "it". Or maybe it was keep-away: I hate games that make you feel left out.

I remember when in school those horrible times choosing sides for red-rover or volley ball or basketball. I remember how humiliating it was to be among the last one or two chosen. Its hard to play a good game when you know nobody wants you in it.

I remember valentines day as a special horror. I was very excited the night before my first valentines day at school. I had a box of little valentines and matching little envelopes. The cards all said things like BEE MINE maybe with a picture of a bee or something. I remember being very careful to write one out for each person in my class and I couldn't wait to give them out at school. The teacher had little boxes in front of class with our names on the one that belonged to us. So I took the ones I wrote and put them in the boxes, sort of like a mailman delivering mail. But I grew to hate that holiday; all it represented was another day to be humiliated and rejected. It was hard seeing boxes overflowing and mine with just a few. It was hard to sit there in class feeling like I had a great big LOSER sign across my forehead for everyone to see.

It didn't help any that throughout my life I got "messages" from my mom of one form or another, sometimes words but sometimes other ways. But the meaning was always the same: you're not special, no one's going to like you, you not a nice girl, Even though I know that I tried very hard to be "nice" I guess I just sort of accepted the idea that other people did not like me. Eventually, I began to hear inside my own head that same list of derisive words like "homely" and "ugly" so no one needed to say them anymore - I told them to myself.

But when I look now at my pictures I think I wasn't nearly as unattractive as I felt. But its hard to be fun and nice when you think no one could possibly like you.


If I made the rules for school there wouldn't be anymore days like that, no team-choosing, no valentine-giving days. Its too cruel to the "unfortunates" the "misfits".

Sometimes when I was in school I would feel sad and want to go home and be "safe". But in reality that was just a daydream because home wasn't at all like that. I did like my dog who was always glad to see me. But I needed to come home to a mom who said stuff like: "hi sweetie how was your day"? And she would listen for the answer. Instead, if you were lucky, no one said anything and you could just go out and play or read a book. I know there are moms like that out there because I've seen other kids that have them.


In my heart I still feel that aching need to find my safe place, home where I am loved. A place where I would know that I was with people who cared about me when people were mean. Somebody to say "never mind them - they don't matter".

It's like being thirsty for a drink you know you will never have.

My life has been such a miserable failure. In the years I have left I guess I had ideas about being able to fix all that - to find those missed connections. To feel what its like when someone I love is holding me tight and I feel deliciously warm and safe and special..

The truth is that I feel scared of dying because I have to go alone. I will leave just as I've lived: with no one knowing who I am inside. No one will know that once I was a little girl who smiled and laughed and didn't frown at the way she looked in school pictures.

I wish that I could shrink until I become invisible and be gone and have it all done and over with. Being here feels too exposed - still feeling like the one not chosen.

[Ruminati]

Oh Man..That was one special post. Sincerely!

Theres just one you.. One set of memories/ dna that make you properly unique and special. *massive hug* and big LOVE to you.

Absolutely agree wholeheartedly about that team choosing/people getting left to last thing that happened in Games...The amount of people that talk of being scarred for life by it.. AND THEY STILL DO IT!!!

[CANDC]

A Little Lost, I just am really impressed with your picture. You look like the kind of person that would be fun to play imagine or talk to.

I was rejected as a child by peers and felt like a square peg in a round hole.

I never was popular, but I survived. I learned to live under stressful situations. I learned to stand up for myself and not buy in to the things people said about me.

You may feel like in one way your life has been a failure, but I bet if you really looked at all the people you helped then you would see it as a success. Some people told me years later that I was a person they looked up to. I was shocked.

If I am on the other side before you, I would want to be there to welcome you to Eternity or wherever we go to after here. I see myself in people like you. I feel a kinship as if we are long lost brothers and sisters. We have gone through the same school, the school of hard knocks.

You make me feel hope that I will discover other of my long lost kin. I really am glad you touched my life. It has made a big difference to me.

I hope we can share more stories if you feel so inclined. Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

If you ever wonder about what is after here, the book by Raymond Moody, MD called Life After Life describes people's visions of what happened when they were medically dead in the hospital and were revived to tell about it. They never talk of failure only experience and wisdom and moving on. When we know the magnificence inside us it can overwhelm our feelings the world has painted us with. When we know our true potential we are more than we ever imagined.

[southernpieceofmind]

If you ever need someone to talk to,my inbox is always open. I'm sorry that you have had to deal with that. You don't deserve it.

It is sad what you have gone thorough. Nobody deserves to be treated in such a way. I could feel the amount of sincere emotions in your post. You have come to the right place. People here are amazing and I am pretty sure you will get the support you want. We LOVE you !

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[TimTheEnchanter]

Very special introduction. Thanks. I just want to tell you that we all have to die someday (no exceptions) and it is a solitary journey. Not only for you and I but for everybody. The good news is that I believe it to be only a transition and we shall come back, death is nothing more than changing your clothes. Life after life is not a linear pursuit but a circular.

- To be is to be perceived, and so to know thyself is only possible through the eyes of the other. The nature of our immortal lives is in the consequences of our words and deeds, that go on and are pushing themselves throughout all time.

- Our lives are not our own. From womb to tomb, we are bound to others, past and present, and by each crime and every kindness, we birth our future.

- I believe death is only a door. When it closes, another opens. If I care to imagine heaven, I would imagine a door opening. And behind it, I would find him there. Waiting for me.

~~~ "Fear, belief, love. Phenomena that determine the course of our lives.These forces begin long before we are born and continue after we perish."

Originally Posted by Ruminati

Oh Man..That was one special post. Sincerely!

Theres just one you.. One set of memories/ dna that make you properly unique and special. *massive hug* and big LOVE to you.

Absolutely agree wholeheartedly about that team choosing/people getting left to last thing that happened in Games...The amount of people that talk of being scarred for life by it.. AND THEY STILL DO IT!!!

Thank you very much for your support and hugs and for such an overwhelmingly positive reaction to what I wrote. It is always scary putting our true hearts on the line. Some would condemn me for feeling sorry for myself - to which I would respond, IF INDEED that is what i was doing it seems to me cruel to tell someone that after a lifetime of being rejected they must now join in with the others and give no empathy.

I do not know what the key is to overcoming these feelings but I do know what it isn't. Stuffing it down inside does no good, if there is any hope of overcoming it is my belief that the answer lies in sharing with others including those who have had similar experiences.

For a long time people thought of me as tough and capable and resilient but that was all an act I put on I think. The truth is that I have always felt overwhelmed and powerless which lead me to make bad choices in "love".

Thank you again so much for your warm acceptance and empathy.

Originally Posted by CANDC

A Little Lost, I just am really impressed with your picture. You look like the kind of person that would be fun to play imagine or talk to.

I was rejected as a child by peers and felt like a square peg in a round hole.

I never was popular, but I survived. I learned to live under stressful situations. I learned to stand up for myself and not buy in to the things people said about me.

You may feel like in one way your life has been a failure, but I bet if you really looked at all the people you helped then you would see it as a success. Some people told me years later that I was a person they looked up to. I was shocked.

If I am on the other side before you, I would want to be there to welcome you to Eternity or wherever we go to after here. I see myself in people like you. I feel a kinship as if we are long lost brothers and sisters. We have gone through the same school, the school of hard knocks.

You make me feel hope that I will discover other of my long lost kin. I really am glad you touched my life. It has made a big difference to me.

I hope we can share more stories if you feel so inclined. Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

If you ever wonder about what is after here, the book by Raymond Moody, MD called Life After Life describes people's visions of what happened when they were medically dead in the hospital and were revived to tell about it. They never talk of failure only experience and wisdom and moving on. When we know the magnificence inside us it can overwhelm our feelings the world has painted us with. When we know our true potential we are more than we ever imagined.

I'm glad that you apparently got something meaningful out of what i wrote even if it is just to realize that you were not alone in your suffering. it is suffering, you know, from invisible cruelty and callousness, wounds that do not bleed on the outside but cause the most intense pain and suffering on the inside. i think sadly there are no doubt children still suffering the same kinds of pain, the details may very but the pain is the same.

Thank you for your very gracious and kind acceptance - to expose myself as such intimate details do only to find rejection would be devastating - thank you for BEING NICE and for taking the time to respond. So many of us are in some ways, still children inside, a part of us never grew up, I truly do feel that. Sometimes I feel her frustration that eventually turned to anger and bitterness which is natural but not really helpful it only serves to alienate further. On the other hand being silent, accepting without protest, even if overdue is a betrayal of self.

Originally Posted by KinkyGuy

Very special introduction. Thanks. I just want to tell you that we all have to die someday (no exceptions) and it is a solitary journey. Not only for you and I but for everybody. The good news is that I believe it to be only a transition and we shall come back, death is nothing more than changing your clothes. Life after life is not a linear pursuit but a circular.

- To be is to be perceived, and so to know thyself is only possible through the eyes of the other. The nature of our immortal lives is in the consequences of our words and deeds, that go on and are pushing themselves throughout all time.

- Our lives are not our own. From womb to tomb, we are bound to others, past and present, and by each crime and every kindness, we birth our future.

- I believe death is only a door. When it closes, another opens. If I care to imagine heaven, I would imagine a door opening. And behind it, I would find him there. Waiting for me.

~~~ "Fear, belief, love. Phenomena that determine the course of our lives.These forces begin long before we are born and continue after we perish."

Thanks for sharing your feelings about death. As with so many things I am confused because what i learned at a very young age was above all FEAR of the vengeful God I learned about in my parent's church. I do not entirely blame them because other children came away unscathed. I think that I am by nature a very introspective, some would say "too sensitive" person. The world is full of different kinds of people. Where emotions are concerned i think too many people are like bulls in a china shop with all the sensitivity of a bowl of day-old oatmeal. We are what we are and who we are. On one hand i hope there is nothing after death so that I need never face the vengeful God I learned of. On the other hand, I would like to believe that there is a better place where I will once again see all of those who meant so much to me. And a great many of those are the animals who shared my life with me, my pets, my beloved dogs. I cannot imagine a happier homecoming than all those wagging tails and tongues licking my face in greeting. That is what my vision of a happy heaven would be.

that picture of you is so sweet! you look like the kind of kid i would have been friends with.

How sad that KinkyGuy thinks death is the only thing we (the rejected ones) have to look forward to. I'm sure you meant well but I take no comfort in that thought. I'd rather be ignored than told all I have to look forward to is death.

Wow, what an amazingly honest post and answers, thankful to read them all.

I think recognising where the pain comes from is a big part of healing it, hope that you will be on your way.

No, all little girls are not princesses, you are right. I'm glad that's so.

[TimTheEnchanter]

I have never said that. That is the one thing we have in common. If you deny this it still will be there. The difference is that the typical western mind fears death and finds it morbid, that is the brainwashed f'd up society we live in. I merely responded to one aspect of the original poster. I do not believe in Death the way most people do. Too bad that you have missed my point.

Originally Posted by mssofty

How sad that KinkyGuy thinks death is the only thing we (the rejected ones) have to look forward to. I'm sure you meant well but I take no comfort in that thought. I'd rather be ignored than told all I have to look forward to is death.

[tin58]

Beautiful post. I totally understand. I have always been picked last. Actually there was one time in school I just wasn't picked at all and I just sat by myself on the bench. I also appreciate your sentiments on being at school and wanting to be home and yet being home wasn't really going to be better. I think one important thing to remember is to not blame ourselves for what happened. To remind ourselves that we did the best we could with what we had :-) maybe instead of focusing (it's hard) on what you didn't have in the past you could look into things you enjoy now? That's what I'm working on :-D Hang in there!

Hello a little lost, wow, that was beautifully written! I have had similar experiences to yours. Especially when it came to being chosen last most of the time in P.E. Most of the popular girls hated me, and I'm not sure why that was. I never did a thing to them, and I was shy and still am.

It was even worse to be chosen last over a girl who'd just stand there in a game and not even try to do anything. I at least tried, and I was even told that I was good at certain sports like socccer. Anyways, as for Valentine's Day, it didn't bother me as much. It did hurt like hell to have been cruelly rejected for no apparent reason from a large group of friends a few times in my life. People who I thought liked me turned into some of my worst enemies overnight and I never knew why that was.

I was kind of different and quieter than most girls, so I guess they thought I was weird? I was a late bloomer too and while other girls were maturing physically and mentally, I still looked and acted like a kid, so I guess that didn't help matters any.

My mom was a huge nag, and she'd always criticize me for being to "fat" even though I was never fat back then. I just had a small tummy, but that's it. It made me hate myself and my body even more. It didn't help matters that my dad was emotionally abusive too and they were always fighting.

My sister was prettier than me, and she had lots of friends, and even she rejected me for years. She made me feel as if I was beneath her for years by calling me all sorts of names and laughing at me, so there was no escape at home either most of the time. I was stuck in hell until I got married and moved out.

That led to an eating disorder later in life that I got over on my own. I still struggle with self esteem issues. Thankfully I found a man to love me. My husband isn't perfect, and he doesn't get any of my issues, but I'm glad that he's with me. I always thought that I'd end up alone as no guy ever asked me out aside from one guy for a blind date who never called me back. Not that I cared about him.

Other male friends only seemed to want me for sex, and they were all losers with a lot of problems. I only had one ex b.f who I had to ask out since I never thought he'd ask me out. He was horrible. He used me for sex. In a weird way, it was good that I met him otherwise I probably wouldn't have met my husband at all if it weren't for me complaining about that loser to a friend that then introduced me to my husband.

Sorry for rambling. You are worth something, you are worthy of love. Just because other people excluded you, made you feel unwanted, and your mother made you feel the same, it doesn't mean that you're worthless or that no one will ever care about you. There are lots of mean and nasty people out there. They are unhappy, so they want others to be unhappy too. Stay away from those toxic people.

There are good people out there who will accept you the way that you are. Don't give up on yourself or other people just yet!

Originally Posted by Shy Introvert

Hello a little lost, wow, that was beautifully written! I have had similar experiences to yours. Especially when it came to being chosen last most of the time in P.E. Most of the popular girls hated me, and I'm not sure why that was. I never did a thing to them, and I was shy and still am.

It was even worse to be chosen last over a girl who'd just stand there in a game and not even try to do anything. I at least tried, and I was even told that I was good at certain sports like socccer. Anyways, as for Valentine's Day, it didn't bother me as much. It did hurt like hell to have been cruelly rejected for no apparent reason from a large group of friends a few times in my life. People who I thought liked me turned into some of my worst enemies overnight and I never knew why that was.

I was kind of different and quieter than most girls, so I guess they thought I was weird? I was a late bloomer too and while other girls were maturing physically and mentally, I still looked and acted like a kid, so I guess that didn't help matters any.

My mom was a huge nag, and she'd always criticize me for being to "fat" even though I was never fat back then. I just had a small tummy, but that's it. It made me hate myself and my body even more. It didn't help matters that my dad was emotionally abusive too and they were always fighting.

My sister was prettier than me, and she had lots of friends, and even she rejected me for years. She made me feel as if I was beneath her for years by calling me all sorts of names and laughing at me, so there was no escape at home either most of the time. I was stuck in hell until I got married and moved out.

That led to an eating disorder later in life that I got over on my own. I still struggle with self esteem issues. Thankfully I found a man to love me. My husband isn't perfect, and he doesn't get any of my issues, but I'm glad that he's with me. I always thought that I'd end up alone as no guy ever asked me out aside from one guy for a blind date who never called me back. Not that I cared about him.

Other male friends only seemed to want me for sex, and they were all losers with a lot of problems. I only had one ex b.f who I had to ask out since I never thought he'd ask me out. He was horrible. He used me for sex. In a weird way, it was good that I met him otherwise I probably wouldn't have met my husband at all if it weren't for me complaining about that loser to a friend that then introduced me to my husband.

Sorry for rambling. You are worth something, you are worthy of love. Just because other people excluded you, made you feel unwanted, and your mother made you feel the same, it doesn't mean that you're worthless or that no one will ever care about you. There are lots of mean and nasty people out there. They are unhappy, so they want others to be unhappy too. Stay away from those toxic people.

There are good people out there who will accept you the way that you are. Don't give up on yourself or other people just yet!

Thank you so much for your affirmations and sharing your own experiences. You are fortunate to have found someone who truly loves you. No one is perfect so if we are looking for that in a mate we are doomed to fail. Still, I think sometimes I am too quick to find "something" that isn't quite right and never let things develop.

I also think that poor self esteem ends up being a self-fulfilling prophecy. After your confidence is torn down enough times or the seeds of doubt sown often enough it makes sense we are awkward with people and then they never know who we really are. It seems to me that its okay for a parent to point out a weakness in your character as long as its done to be helpful. But to just say "you suck" basically in whatever regard without giving any suggestions how to change that is cruel. My mother told me that I should not be too demanding of anyone who befriended me since my personality was such that people would not be drawn to me or even repelled by me? I would never tell my child something like that unless I was willing to try to help them work through it so I have to question the motivation.

I think some people are more sensitive than others, I know I was naturally introspective which has its good points, I'm quick to pick up on "vibes" from others including when they are sad - but I'm also quick to pick up "wounds" that I then carry with me.

Its like there are 2 parts of me, one who sees the flaws in my mothers actions and can understand the subsequent problems, but there is another part of me - the child - who still believes what my mother said - after all we are taught to believe our parents are wise and always know best.

I feel empathy for anyone who has their confidence eroded by such cruel comments or neglect without any attempt to repair the damage. I wish I could say my mothers attitude toward me changed when I became an adult and that she was more helpful but it seems to have been a pattern that carried forward thru most of our relationship. I can't know what happened in her life that might have caused her to be that way which is why I will always regret she would never discuss it with me - I will forever have doubts and questions.

I know that she did not treat everyone like me although my sister did not have it particularly easy either but I think being the youngest she tried hanging on to me harder than the others - I even told her once that I could not wait until I was 18 and could leave her behind and she threatened me that I would never be free of her. I ran away several times, is it any wonder - who would not want to get away from someone so clinging and toxic. But of course everyone thought I was the problem and my mother was a saint afflicted with an ungrateful child. And I think it has left me suspicious, I always think others will judge me badly and so it is hard to make friends.

I feel resentful towards today's children including my granddaughter - so many of them seem to have a sense of entitlement and know nothing about "thank you" but are always expecting more without giving anything. When I mentioned it to my son years ago he would just say well that's the way kids are. But I don't buy that - the only reason "thats the way they are" is because we let them get away with it.

And it seems that now I am older the respect that we were taught to give our elders is a thing of the past - now they are too quick to take the attitude that you are out of date and know nothing.

I wanted to say thank you to everyone who took the time to read and respond. Among my other problems I have ADD and its hard for me to keep track sometimes - I cannot put anything together - ASSEMBLY REQUIRED are fear-invoking words to me - when I get a list of things to do or to respond to I feel overwhelmed and lose track.

So if I have somehow missed a response it wasn't because I didn't read all the responses - I try not to obsess over things as I tend to get stuck - my obsessive compulsive nature so I have learned to "let go" if I can or I'd be reading forever to make sure I didn't miss someone. If I did I'm truly sorry it was not my intention so please forgive me if I did.

Originally Posted by prefabsprout

Wow, what an amazingly honest post and answers, thankful to read them all.

I think recognising where the pain comes from is a big part of healing it, hope that you will be on your way.

No, all little girls are not princesses, you are right. I'm glad that's so.

I'm glad you got something out of what I wrote and did not come away with the idea I'm just a perpetual whiner feeling sorry for myself. The thing is I never realized until much later how wrong it was that I grew up in such an environment where I was automatically wrong - I accepted but still resented that everyone seemed to see things from my mothers point of view and never gave me a chance and that is why all this time later I find myself needing to say it.

I don't think my children understand because they have no idea how damaging it was - I would so like to have their support but instead I seem to alienate them. Another sorrow to add to this list - I do care what my children think as they are the most important people in my life and I feel I'm losing touch with them.

Originally Posted by A Little Lost

I'm glad you got something out of what I wrote and did not come away with the idea I'm just a perpetual whiner feeling sorry for myself. The thing is I never realized until much later how wrong it was that I grew up in such an environment where I was automatically wrong - I accepted but still resented that everyone seemed to see things from my mothers point of view and never gave me a chance and that is why all this time later I find myself needing to say it.

I don't think my children understand because they have no idea how damaging it was - I would so like to have their support but instead I seem to alienate them. Another sorrow to add to this list - I do care what my children think as they are the most important people in my life and I feel I'm losing touch with them.

I think terms like 'whining' are unhelpful, sometimes there is a hurt that needs to be addressed in order to heal and move on. I say this as a person who could pass a master class in repression! Denial turns inward and hurts us. It's finding the safe place and people to share with, where you will not be judged. Sometimes family are too involved in the situation to give that non-judgemental support. I hope you will find the place/people where you can express and be accepted even if it's just here.

[Ruminati]

Originally Posted by A Little Lost

Thank you very much for your support and hugs and for such an overwhelmingly positive reaction to what I wrote. It is always scary putting our true hearts on the line. Some would condemn me for feeling sorry for myself - to which I would respond, IF INDEED that is what i was doing it seems to me cruel to tell someone that after a lifetime of being rejected they must now join in with the others and give no empathy.

I do not know what the key is to overcoming these feelings but I do know what it isn't. Stuffing it down inside does no good, if there is any hope of overcoming it is my belief that the answer lies in sharing with others including those who have had similar experiences.

For a long time people thought of me as tough and capable and resilient but that was all an act I put on I think. The truth is that I have always felt overwhelmed and powerless which lead me to make bad choices in "love".

Thank you again so much for your warm acceptance and empathy.

No problem. I'm pretty sure you'll pay it forward in comforting someone who's hurting with the comfort you receive.

I've been thinking this evening how crucial it is to love ourselves unconditionally in a manner that doesn't depend on other peoples regard. Some people seem to get off on criticising, condemning and *****in' ..you're right... so if we go out in this world needing affirmation or approval we're likely to crash and burn.

We live and learn though ay? And every storm we manage to voyage through makes us stronger, wiser and more enabled to share with others what we've learnt. That way we kinda alchemise the cra p that occurs in our lives from time to time.

God Bless

Originally Posted by prefabsprout

I think terms like 'whining' are unhelpful, sometimes there is a hurt that needs to be addressed in order to heal and move on. I say this as a person who could pass a master class in repression! Denial turns inward and hurts us. It's finding the safe place and people to share with, where you will not be judged. Sometimes family are too involved in the situation to give that non-judgemental support. I hope you will find the place/people where you can express and be accepted even if it's just here.

Yes, we all need a place to feel accepted and I have "met" some nice people here and I'm grateful for that and for your kind words.

You seem to have found a positive frame of mind and I'm glad for you. With so much going on, so many challenges and dwindling resources I'm still searching for mine. But this is a good place to come ... Not all who wander are lost? I feel lost. In the old days when I was lost there was time and I feel like mine is running out.

Originally Posted by A Little Lost

Thank you so much for your affirmations and sharing your own experiences. You are fortunate to have found someone who truly loves you. No one is perfect so if we are looking for that in a mate we are doomed to fail. Still, I think sometimes I am too quick to find "something" that isn't quite right and never let things develop.

I also think that poor self esteem ends up being a self-fulfilling prophecy. After your confidence is torn down enough times or the seeds of doubt sown often enough it makes sense we are awkward with people and then they never know who we really are. It seems to me that its okay for a parent to point out a weakness in your character as long as its done to be helpful. But to just say "you suck" basically in whatever regard without giving any suggestions how to change that is cruel. My mother told me that I should not be too demanding of anyone who befriended me since my personality was such that people would not be drawn to me or even repelled by me? I would never tell my child something like that unless I was willing to try to help them work through it so I have to question the motivation.

I think some people are more sensitive than others, I know I was naturally introspective which has its good points, I'm quick to pick up on "vibes" from others including when they are sad - but I'm also quick to pick up "wounds" that I then carry with me.

Its like there are 2 parts of me, one who sees the flaws in my mothers actions and can understand the subsequent problems, but there is another part of me - the child - who still believes what my mother said - after all we are taught to believe our parents are wise and always know best.

I feel empathy for anyone who has their confidence eroded by such cruel comments or neglect without any attempt to repair the damage. I wish I could say my mothers attitude toward me changed when I became an adult and that she was more helpful but it seems to have been a pattern that carried forward thru most of our relationship. I can't know what happened in her life that might have caused her to be that way which is why I will always regret she would never discuss it with me - I will forever have doubts and questions.

I know that she did not treat everyone like me although my sister did not have it particularly easy either but I think being the youngest she tried hanging on to me harder than the others - I even told her once that I could not wait until I was 18 and could leave her behind and she threatened me that I would never be free of her. I ran away several times, is it any wonder - who would not want to get away from someone so clinging and toxic. But of course everyone thought I was the problem and my mother was a saint afflicted with an ungrateful child. And I think it has left me suspicious, I always think others will judge me badly and so it is hard to make friends.

I feel resentful towards today's children including my granddaughter - so many of them seem to have a sense of entitlement and know nothing about "thank you" but are always expecting more without giving anything. When I mentioned it to my son years ago he would just say well that's the way kids are. But I don't buy that - the only reason "thats the way they are" is because we let them get away with it.

And it seems that now I am older the respect that we were taught to give our elders is a thing of the past - now they are too quick to take the attitude that you are out of date and know nothing.

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I'm so sorry to hear that your mother caused such severe self esteem issues in yourself. Have you tried getting on meds? It has helped me. Also, finding some good supportive people to talk to, even on here helps. Your mom sounds like she has serious issues to talk to their own child like that. I think that reading some books on self esteem and similar issues might help you out a little. There is lots of info on here on how to improve one's mindset and self-esteem.

I have done that, but it took me years to realize that I'm not the one with the issue at times. A lot of the times, other people are just plain mean, nasty, and insecure, and they look for vulnerable people to abuse just so they can feel better about themselves. It's really sick. I still struggle with self esteem issues, but I'm a lot more confident then I used to be. If I can overcome years of bullying, neglect, and abuse (well, almost), then so can anyone.

PM me anytime if you need someone to talk to who's experienced some of what you have experienced.

Originally Posted by A Little Lost

You seem to have found a positive frame of mind and I'm glad for you. With so much going on, so many challenges and dwindling resources I'm still searching for mine. But this is a good place to come ... Not all who wander are lost? I feel lost. In the old days when I was lost there was time and I feel like mine is running out.

Feeling lost is a terrible feeling. My T told me to reframe my perspective, I am not a powerless child anymore, I may feel I am back there but that is just a feeling. You too, you got this far with dwindling resources, be proud of yourself.

I see nothing wrong with your picture, you look like a cute child.