[usehername]

My mother passed away in November. She was my soul sister, a soul mate, really... It's really the worst thing that has ever happened in my life. And I had cancer. She was my everything, and everything I ever accomplished, I did for her, and with much support from her.

She took care of me. She provided for me financially, she was my only childcare, she reminded me to brush my teeth and take my meds, she was the one who forced me into the shower, she saved my life more times than I can count, and vice versa, but this time, I failed to save her. She made sure I ate every day, she perked me up when I was depressed, she kept me grounded when I was manic, and managed to Care for me so will that I never experienced hospitalization because she didn't want that for me. It was her idea for me to go on meds (which I really really needed), and go to therapy (which I also needed). She was the closest person I ever had, easily my best friend ever. We did everything together, and texted and called whenever we were apart. She suffered from massive chronic depression, and I was essentially her therapist. I did everything I could to help support her. But this time I couldn't save her.

She was 50, I am now 33. My soul is crushed by this loss... Everything I do feels meaningless without her. I would rather commit suicide than live without her, but my family expects me to take her place. I was co Capitan of our family, but she was #1. I couldn't have been #2 without her support.

I don't know what to do. I have made a sensible life plan somehow, and I have a future ahead of me. But I could take it or leave it without her. Every bit of joy in my life reminds me of how much she would've loved it.

My sister (25) got pregnant shortly before she died. The father is thankfully very involved. But she has no grandma for her baby, no mother to turn to for advice. Our mother was the only person she ever listened to. Her father is a manipulative, emotionally abusive *******, and mine is a heroin addict I haven't seen since I was 18 months old, when we fled at night because he too was abusive. My baby brother, 19, is in the navy. His father died at the age of 50 from a cold, basically. Thus was in 2009. He is an orphan. I can imagine what they're going through and it's horrible. My mother died while my brother was home on leave. He had just graduated from baby school. We were planning on throwing him a surprise party on the day he and I found her. She died in her sleep. No one knows why. The medical examiner (who f'ed everything up the whole way and was terrible to deal with) left it "undetermined".

The sort version is: it's all a terrible mess. I'm a terrible mess. I'm bipolar and now I have to try to fend for myself and not f up every again, but I don't know how to take care of myself. I literally can't remember the last time I took a shower, my dishes are moldy, there are two bags of trash waiting to be taken out sitting in my kitchen... I've managed to keep the living things alive and happy, save for a few plants of hers, but I cannot scrape myself off the couch most days. I am working, so that's positive, but that's all I can manage. My daughter attends online public school due to disability, adhd, and boredom with the slow pace of regular school.

I don't know how to manage myself.

Sorry this got so long...

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[Angelique67]

Hi, I'm so sorry for your loss. It sounds just desolate for you without your mom. I've lost loved ones and it feels like it will just never get normal again, and it doesn't really. It gets different, as you know.

I also struggle with self care. I can't maintain a consistent schedule at all, I have agoraphobia, and I struggle with showering at times and my place is a cluttered mess. I wish I could be more helpful than this, but does it help if you hear your mom's voice in your mind urging you to do the things for yourself that she used to encourage you to do? Can you internalize her card and love? These are just things to maybe try if you haven't already. Believe me I know how hard it is. I wish I could be of real help.

[avlady]

i am so sorry about your mother. agoraphobia is a terrible thing to live with. i hope you can get the energy to clean your house, after you do you'll feel alot better. it could also be a form of therapy while cleaning it. taking showers will help you feel better too afterwards. just think before you do anything how nice it will feel afterward to have done something. good luck

[vital]

Originally Posted by avlady

i am so sorry about your mother. agoraphobia is a terrible thing to live with. i hope you can get the energy to clean your house, after you do you'll feel alot better. it could also be a form of therapy while cleaning it. taking showers will help you feel better too afterwards. just think before you do anything how nice it will feel afterward to have done something. good luck

I think avlady has great advice here. I also lost my mom (three Novembers ago). It's going to be hard for a long time and you will probably have to force yourself to do things, but it will get better. Start with one room and ignore the rest of your house for now.

Find yourself some purely sensory experiences that you can have. Go for walks. See, hear, feel taste and smell things consciously. Your senses are your friends. They are trying to heal you.

Keep in touch and let us know how it's going.

- vital

[amandalouise]

wow what a hard situation and very confusing...first sorry for your loss of your mother.

Im confused...

your mother took care of you financially
your mother told you when to brush your teeth
your mother told you when to take your meds
your mother made sure you ate every day
your mother forced you to take showers....

you are 33 and these things are things that parents do for very young children not fully grown adults....unless that adult has been declared incompetent to make their own physical and mental health decisions...

so im assuming here your mother felt you were incompetent to make your own mental and physical health decisions. I havent read any of your past posts so no idea whether this was court mandated guardianship\conservatorship situation with you.

my confusing is if your family had to take care of you like this how is it that they think you are capable of caring for them now that your mom is gone when before she died you were not able to take care of your self...you lived with your mom and they obviously knew your mom was caring for you, having someone so dependent like this is not something that is able to be hidden from family, especially if the dependent is a grown adult living with mom and mom footing all the bills and basic nutritional and hygienic (bathing\showering) needs and other finances of the dependent adult.

my suggestion would be contact a treatment provider, they can help you get into an adult residential program for you and your children that will help you to learn how to do those things for yourself which your mother was doing for you, that way your family wont try to step in and have you court mandated into removal of your children and you committed to a psychiatric facility due to your inability to care for yourself and your childrens needs.

[usehername]

Originally Posted by amandalouise

wow what a hard situation and very confusing...first sorry for your loss of your mother.

Im confused...

your mother took care of you financially
your mother told you when to brush your teeth
your mother told you when to take your meds
your mother made sure you ate every day
your mother forced you to take showers....

you are 33 and these things are things that parents do for very young children not fully grown adults....unless that adult has been declared incompetent to make their own physical and mental health decisions...

so im assuming here your mother felt you were incompetent to make your own mental and physical health decisions. I havent read any of your past posts so no idea whether this was court mandated guardianship\conservatorship situation with you.

my confusing is if your family had to take care of you like this how is it that they think you are capable of caring for them now that your mom is gone when before she died you were not able to take care of your self...you lived with your mom and they obviously knew your mom was caring for you, having someone so dependent like this is not something that is able to be hidden from family, especially if the dependent is a grown adult living with mom and mom footing all the bills and basic nutritional and hygienic (bathing\showering) needs and other finances of the dependent adult.

my suggestion would be contact a treatment provider, they can help you get into an adult residential program for you and your children that will help you to learn how to do those things for yourself which your mother was doing for you, that way your family wont try to step in and have you court mandated into removal of your children and you committed to a psychiatric facility due to your inability to care for yourself and your childrens needs.

We kept things on the downlow, so nobody really knew how much she was doing for me. I always paid my sharoe of the bills, and used to take showers at least 3 days a week, but that was often after my mother told me I stink. She would remind me to clip my toenails and such. I kept up the house for several months, but had a very busy two or three weeks with work related stuff and was not home. My daughter is 13 and eats constantly, so she creates a lot of dishes and a lot of other miscellaneous messes... She cleans them when prompted to do so, but only then. After work I'm often to tired to pick that battle... Focusing instead in whether or not she's caught up on schoolwork (she is) and making sure she's had her meds.

Moving forward, we've made an agreement that after the dishes in the sink are done by me (because they're gross), she will ensure that all of her dishes will end up in the dishwasher, rather than all over the house. If she doesn't keep up on it, it's her responsibility to do all of them. She also takes the trash out. I also have a very large senior dog (100lb lab) to take care of. He takes daily medication and requires frequent walls to help with his severe arthritis (which I also suffer from). I'm just your average low functioning bipolar person. I got a new job as a peer counselor making enough to pay the bills here. I'm doing ok, except self care. I can't seem to find time for it unless forced. I wish with everything I've got that I didn't have to live without her. I'm struggling with finding a will to live... I do take care of my family, and usually provide for them. I just feel broken and so very sad. I don't know how to live without her. Bipolar disorder made hitting the normal milestones impossible, but we made a great team. My house is a two person household to run, and now I'm doing it myself without any help. And trying to take care of myself without being cued to do it. I'm struggling.

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[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by usehername

We kept things on the downlow, so nobody really knew how much she was doing for me. I always paid my sharoe of the bills, and used to take showers at least 3 days a week, but that was often after my mother told me I stink. She would remind me to clip my toenails and such. I kept up the house for several months, but had a very busy two or three weeks with work related stuff and was not home. My daughter is 13 and eats constantly, so she creates a lot of dishes and a lot of other miscellaneous messes... She cleans them when prompted to do so, but only then. After work I'm often to tired to pick that battle... Focusing instead in whether or not she's caught up on schoolwork (she is) and making sure she's had her meds.

Moving forward, we've made an agreement that after the dishes in the sink are done by me (because they're gross), she will ensure that all of her dishes will end up in the dishwasher, rather than all over the house. If she doesn't keep up on it, it's her responsibility to do all of them. She also takes the trash out. I also have a very large senior dog (100lb lab) to take care of. He takes daily medication and requires frequent walls to help with his severe arthritis (which I also suffer from). I'm just your average low functioning bipolar person. I got a new job as a peer counselor making enough to pay the bills here. I'm doing ok, except self care. I can't seem to find time for it unless forced. I wish with everything I've got that I didn't have to live without her. I'm struggling with finding a will to live... I do take care of my family, and usually provide for them. I just feel broken and so very sad. I don't know how to live without her. Bipolar disorder made hitting the normal milestones impossible, but we made a great team. My house is a two person household to run, and now I'm doing it myself without any help. And trying to take care of myself without being cued to do it. I'm struggling.

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I see so it wasnt a necessity due to mental or physical incapability of doing those things, it was just more of a convenience and pick your battles situation that your mom was dong all that for you so now you are adjusting to taking over all that for yourself. yea thats the downfall of that kind of situation. its hard to pick up the slack when something happens after someone else has been doing it.

you will get the hang of it, just take it one day at a time, one battle\issue at a time and things will fall into a routine that is easier on you and your daughter.

btw you are doing a great job of teaching your daughter to be more responsible, a 13 year old should be at the least keeping their room clean and keeping their personal items picked up, and helping to clear/set the table, and yea helping out with other household chores too. most teen agers get a weekly allowance and have required chores around the house to earn that allowance. great job

[usehername]

Originally Posted by Angelique67

Hi, I'm so sorry for your loss. It sounds just desolate for you without your mom. I've lost loved ones and it feels like it will just never get normal again, and it doesn't really. It gets different, as you know.

I also struggle with self care. I can't maintain a consistent schedule at all, I have agoraphobia, and I struggle with showering at times and my place is a cluttered mess. I wish I could be more helpful than this, but does it help if you hear your mom's voice in your mind urging you to do the things for yourself that she used to encourage you to do? Can you internalize her card and love? These are just things to maybe try if you haven't already. Believe me I know how hard it is. I wish I could be of real help.

That is a helpful suggestion. I think I was initially keeping the house up due to magical thinking, as though she'd return...
Once it really sunk in that she wouldn't return, I hit the worst, most soul crushing depression I have ever experienced in my entire life. She was my world. Everything in my life revolved around her and my daughter of course.
Now I try to focus on my daughter, because I know she needs me now more than ever since my mother was my co parent. My daughter's father is only occasionally involved and often does more harm than good.
I think that the idea of listening to what she would have said if she were here is probably an excellent idea. I will try it. I have been trying it here and there, and I walk the dog more often now.
My friend, her dog, my dog, and my daughter all go on regular trips together. We try to have regular fun together, and build memories together and just generally try to enjoy ourselves and our lives.
Thank you so much for your compassion, your understanding, your lack of judgement, your nice words, and your advice. ❤

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[usehername]

Originally Posted by avlady

i am so sorry about your mother. agoraphobia is a terrible thing to live with. i hope you can get the energy to clean your house, after you do you'll feel alot better. it could also be a form of therapy while cleaning it. taking showers will help you feel better too afterwards. just think before you do anything how nice it will feel afterward to have done something. good luck

First of all, thank you very much for your compassion and understanding. Second, part of my not wanting to shower stems from knowing that I will have to take an hour to pick dreads out of my hair. I have butt length very curly hair. It takes gobs of conditioner, a particular type of comb, and a lot of time and upkeep. When I get depressed like this, I have a tendency to just throw it up in a bun. This habit however, often makes it incredibly difficult to take care of it later.
I injured myself last week at some point, and was unable to do my own dishes or kitchen. So I hired someone to do it for me. I asked her to just do the dishes, but she could see that I needed some help. She cleaned my entire kitchen without expecting any extra pay. I will be keeping her on.

Again thank you so much for your compassionate words. It helps a lot to know that people care. Thank you

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[usehername]

Originally Posted by vital

I think avlady has great advice here. I also lost my mom (three Novembers ago). It's going to be hard for a long time and you will probably have to force yourself to do things, but it will get better. Start with one room and ignore the rest of your house for now.

Find yourself some purely sensory experiences that you can have. Go for walks. See, hear, feel taste and smell things consciously. Your senses are your friends. They are trying to heal you.

Keep in touch and let us know how it's going.

- vital

I like what you say about finding experiences to be a part of. Somehow I left that part out, we have been spending our weekends out with the dogs on adventures. It's been incredibly therapeutic. I take my dog for walks daily, or at least I try. On the days that I can't manage to because of time or lack of energy or depression, I at least take him for a drive.
I agree with most of the advice given on this thread. Most of what has been said are things that I would say to someone else, and it makes sense to me.

Thank you so much for your concern and compassion. It is great to know that there is Support out there for me. Thank you

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