[SilverSprings]

I am struggling with my own identity. I have been having scary thoughts, like what will happen when I die. Even if i am very old. I am not religious, and i find no comfort really in much. I find that I am so isolated, even though on paper i have a ton of friends and family. I am so stuck. I feel trapped in my own mind. I am starting DBT therapy and classes i know i need to be patient.

Yesterday, my dad (he is my boss) seems to be throwing so much at me work wise, he has a lawsuit w/ his biz, and sends it all my way to deal with (much of it). yes i work for him, this stuff is partly my responsibility but lately i want to run away or break my phone so i dont have to see his emails.

I am so angry at everyone too. I know i need to stay calm. I am PMSing as well, that might be part of the problem. everything seems terrible right now. I dont even like cuddles and hugs from my BF... I have been behaving (not raging) and instead- dealing w/ my own emotions, maybe this is why i am so damn upset? Confronting feelings for the first time. Like instead of being mad at my dad/boss or self-centered mom, i might have picked a fight w/ my BF or freaked out in another way, or self-sabotage. Lately, I am trying to take responsibility for my own emotions. I read recently a great book saying "MY anger is my anger, not his/hers. Im the one feeling it. Im the one responsible for the safe expression of it". I think i need to find a way to express. (what i am doning partly here). Smoking, drinking dont count as good coping skills do they? (I kid... sort of). Cooking and working out- i can do more of. Hobbies. et..... I think i can get through this- its really hard though.

[Skeezyks]

Hello SilverSprings: Well... the fact that you are aware of your situation goes along way toward helping you to overcome your difficulties. And DBT should be helpful as well, I would presume (I've never done it.) But you're taking positive steps to improve your situation. That is to be celebrated! Yes, working out, cooking, & other hobbies are all great ways to relieve stress. No... smoking & drinking are definitely not! Anyway... I just wanted to leave a bit of encouragement here. From what you wrote, it sounds to me as though you're for-sure on the right track despite being under considerable stress. My best wishes to you!

[12AM]

I feel the same lately SilverSpring, I mean those scary thoughts. I might know nothing about this but I do support your decisions to cook and work out more, because in my experience, physical activities can help. Me myself I do gardening and writing. Just want to give you a hug by dropping by

[Thunder Bow]

Maybe it is time to break away from father and family, and work for someone else?

[littleowl2006]

Sounds like a lot of pressure. Can you take a little time off? Be good to yourself, sounds like people and you yourself expect a lot from you.
Switching from coffee to chamomille and lavender tea when I am PMSing has been the innovation of the year for me, maybe that is a little piece of useful practical advice for you too?
Big hug

[SilverSprings]

Thank you! all... i needed to hear these helpful thoughts.

Today i scheduled lunch with a friend, that is the thing i am dong for *me* today.

As for working for the family: it is a double edged sword... i used to work for another small company, who completely took advantage of my time, but somewhat made me feel more important. Working for family- dad- is in a different way hard, but also at time flexible. There are days, however i just want to drop it all and run for the hills. The problem is at work- my dad (who probably suffers w/ mental issues) tends to run away from his business leaving it all to me and my uncle. When he does return, he doesnt communicate with me. Like today- he is back from his hunting adventures upstate, and dumping so much on my plate. anyway... I know any job is stressful. I know i can be lazy too. but when i am motivated i am a damn good worker.

idk.....

as for coffee, you know, i had several cups already today! I think switching to tea is much needed! I already started taking Vitex to help balance my hormones b/c PMS was the devil for me. i think its helping too.

thanks for the hugs, i REALLY needed and appreciate them!!!

[SilverSprings]

Im going to see how things are after the huge stress blows over at work we have a bunch of legal issues to deal with. I am trying to voice my opinion more, as i can be really passive w/ my dad. and w/ bosses in general. I wish i wasn't so easily intimidated. I make a great people person, manager and am super diplomatic. I am just terrible at confrontations, and i am trying to work on that!

[Thunder Bow]

Your Father is over controlling and knows that you can be intimidated. Best to get out of that control, before it gets toxic. You will feel much better working on your own or for someone else.

[SilverSprings]

Originally Posted by Thunder Bow

Your Father is over controlling and knows that you can be intimidated. Best to get out of that control, before it gets toxic. You will feel much better working on your own or for someone else.

Thanks. Yes and no. I know that for one, i have worked for him on and off since i was 17 years old (that is about 20 years, OMG) and i find that he leaves me almost completely alone, to run the ship my way. I had a whole post on my career and options etc.... I have thought this through so many ways and right now, in this moment just stopped worrying for my own sanity. I am just starting DBT, i have a feeling in time, i might decide it is time to move on. I can not yet see that horizon the skies are too cloudy for me to look that far ahead. I asked him outright recently after a few week lull where no one could be paid due to transition in our main Customer. I asked if i should seek part time or another job? He said to wait b/c things will pick back up- and i am hoping that by voicing my opinion more, things will turn around.

Recently i made some changes here- and even today i had a meeting with a supervisor which took place in my office, and i want to do things like that much more. The way it works here is very ..... old school

Also he is putting me through classes and i am earning certificates, so furthering my edu is a huge bonus.

however, i take your advice as friendly consideration- thank you and in the back of my mind, i also think he is very controlling of me, and his family. However, i also appreciate that my dad let me in the biz, as when his dad owned it / was alive, he never let his daughters have anything to do w/ it, despite them wanting to.

So.... its VERY hard decision, and that is why right now is not time to worry.

Perhaps this choice will feel more clear one day.
But, at the same time, when i had my old job, and ran into financial troubles, my dad was there to help me. I think while controlling, he is also quite generous.

[SilverSprings]

See - sometimes i realize my illness is talking. This morning i hated everyone, wante to quit and run away. the grass seemed greener in any other place. Now- that i have turned around, the sky seems sunny and im in a happy place b/c i can go home and have nice flexible hours.. perhaps even over idealizing my situation. maybe it is much worse and more dire- maybe i am being controlled and i dont see it? :/ My moods shift drastically like the wind. Now, if someone could properly diagnose me !!!!??? b/c it can be exhausting!!!!!! to say the least. too much noise!

---- this is my life.

I am at least happy and proud too- since i stopped freaking out on my boyfriend when everything in my life felt out of place. when i would get upset easily by his remarks, or jokes, and start a fit with cursing, throwing things and such... awful awful stuff. breaking everything, locking myself in rooms... running away. crazy.

the sweet thing: i have n't done anything like that in a while. for that i am SO grateful! it shows me, this damn hard work is paying off. So, i will continue to be patient!

Sorry for the weird rant.

:/

[vital]

Originally Posted by SilverSprings

...Lately, I am trying to take responsibility for my own emotions. I read recently a great book saying "MY anger is my anger, not his/hers. Im the one feeling it. Im the one responsible for the safe expression of it". I think i need to find a way to express....

Hi SilverSprings,

These days I do what I think of as "Feeling my Fear Courageously." I don't try to say anything or do anything, but I let myself fully feel the feeling, especially the physical aspects of the feeling. It's very intense and kind of unpleasant, but I also find it invigorating to realize that I can feel my own feelings fully and they will not harm me. I had no idea of this at the time, but when I was depressed, I was afraid of even having feelings.

- vital

[littleowl2006]

Even in family businesses or especially there and in families, boundaries are essential I think. Work and responsibilities have to be organized, at least in my opinion. That creates a safe work environment. I know I certainly would throw a fit if I had the feeling that there were no clear structures etc or that someone took advantage of me and/or didn't communicate. Imbalance causes a waste of energy and that can be very frustrating - maybe a little rant here and there helps you discover what makes you "explode"

[SilverSprings]

vital - this is an awesome approach. thank you- i will try it, it fits right in with my issue that i mistakenly thought venting outloud every outburst, thought, judgement, insecurity... would somehow make the situation go away. instead it drove everyone away who i voiced (or screamed, or worse). I learned that from the p's and others... now, i am learning a new way. its like learning a new language. (or lack there of haha). kind of a new internal dialogue. DBT is supposed to help teach me this new way of thinking, interacting and communicating. that so far is the toughest for me and i hope it will help. ie: Today, i was really moody. it was over something silly in hind-sight .. my boyfriend and i usually take time for one another in the morning to chat, coffee. i got up abruptly, PO'd that the tv was annoying me, went to shower, then the whole time angry at him for not joining or chasing me, i played this sad puppy / angry weirdo. he basically understood somehow i was trying sooo hard to not explode on him, he just gave a huge hug and it made it all melt away. He gets me so much, and when i am kinder, it always feels good especially later. when i am mean, or freak out, there are always tons of bad feelings and regrets later. So- low and behold~~~ it seems to work!! (sorry for the tangent, lol). I feel more and more 'normal' these days!!

[SilverSprings]

Originally Posted by littleowl2006

Even in family businesses or especially there and in families, boundaries are essential I think. Work and responsibilities have to be organized, at least in my opinion. That creates a safe work environment. I know I certainly would throw a fit if I had the feeling that there were no clear structures etc or that someone took advantage of me and/or didn't communicate. Imbalance causes a waste of energy and that can be very frustrating - maybe a little rant here and there helps you discover what makes you "explode"

Yes! I need to learn better boundaries. I am already taking strides in doing that. I also like structure, however, I am somewhat lucky that I run things myself 100% in the office. It is my own fault that i am unorganized, and im working on that. If anything, working in the P's house was the tough part. Years back, it was in a separate office. I was young, foolish and would get into trouble (not working when i was supposed to). Fast forward, I took over the prior office managers job (she passed away)... and yes, i do battle daily with stuff. However, i also battled in the prior job. At least here, my dad (we have a sort of silent understanding of eachother) seems to have my best interest at heart.

And yes, the rants are helpful, b/c it is a gentler approach to cope i think. I try to limit my email and passive/aggressiveness these days, as that has gotten me into hot water w/ my dad (and uncle - who works w/ us also btw). Uncle can be very toxic as he is a drinker, but at the same time- a very dedicated worker and makes things really happen for the biz. There are alot of resentments between him and my dad however, which i try to smooth over and be as diplomatic as I can.

If anything the job is just a bit lonesome. So, either i think about a way to make it more social or just have more of a social life out of work (the latter is my latest approach)

I think too, the biggest thing to learn: it is not my company, it is not my personal responsibility to take care of these people and to do the best i can at my job, to not take things personally (very hard w/ family biz), not to feel pressured ie: mom comes home from work- insists i take walks w/ her each day.... yea- we did that for the first year or so back, until i realied they stressed me out WAY more then helped me. no more walking! or limited... besides catering to her extremely obsessiveness about walks, eating- or not eating, etc. I have to separate myself from that. it is weird dynamic, where we have learned how to be and when. it is hard for me, i used to be so overly nice and a pleaser.

do i think a change one day might be in order? Likely and i am open to the change, growth... i can push myself when i need to. i was gung ho ready to apply for new jobs a few wks ago when things slowed down. i am proud even that i polished my resume - instead of crumbling apart (i did have some crying and scary moments).

anyway, i am learning so much. I likely also would throw a fit, if i was tossed into this cold- but since i have been exposed to this atmosphere all my life,..... i dont see it that way.

also, i realize that my mom especially has a very weird unemotional relationship with most of us kids (im the oldest, large family). my younger siblings also are slowly realizing the thing that i have been. it hurts and pains me to see them upset.

my sister for ex: moved closer t othe P's to get help and some support. she has 2 little ones, one who is 1 the other 5. And is preg. again! yet, my mom doesnt step in at all! she claims to love kids, works with them... yet- keeps such a distance from my sister and is critical of her parenting.

me- i love the kids and love helping out! she calls me 'grandma' jokingly, b/c i am helpful. i think also, the big protective sister in me feels sorry for her. I hve boundaries, i tell her when i can't help and when i can. she is not scary to talk to like my mom. she understands and is sensetive in the right ways. where as my mom is sensetive in all the wrong ways. only cares about herself mostly. leave us all to figure out life for ourseslves. and, i think my dad sees that esp now that were older.... and i think he realizes how she has issues. i hate how she controls him..

anyhow! omg im sorry so much ranting going on. i must work- and thank you for your help and insights <3

[Thunder Bow]

The anxiety of Not Making It on Your Own is implied by your father from the start. This was imprinted on you long ago. This fear was based in his insecurity, and need for control. Going by how I see you posting, you seem quite intelligent, and able to Make It On Your Own quite well. You have more power in you, than you think.

[Fuzzybear]

[SilverSprings]

Originally Posted by Thunder Bow

The anxiety of Not Making It on Your Own is implied by your father from the start. This was imprinted on you long ago. This fear was based in his insecurity, and need for control. Going by how I see you posting, you seem quite intelligent, and able to Make It On Your Own quite well. You have more power in you, than you think.

Thanks that is interesting. I recall when i was younger, working for dad... even back then i wanted to branch out--- and he said (to my mom) well, does she really want to go out in the real world? the real world are all ***** holes... he would alsywa say that come to think of it. People are all ***** holes. that was imprinted on me! to be scared or hate the outside world. so odd! because i love people and liked the atmosphere so much of working with others when i had the small office. I just didn't like that they had poor flow, systems and expecations of me. I miss some parts of that office very much.

[Thunder Bow]

They used those negative remarks to keep you under their control, and to keep you fearful of moving out on your own. Now it is time to look into that small office option again.