I'm afraid

I'm afraid something at work or any weird situation that big change of traumatic things happening so fast. Like if I lost my job and ik I won't, but I'm afraid saying the whole situation. Anyways I'm afraid of being forced in a messed up spot and being misunderstood and my physical and mental illness will add fuel to the fire and they treat me as a bad person so I'd have to kill myself to not be forced.

I'm afraid if a cop wrongfully chased me for nothing I would probably kill myself because I'm literally terrified of people who abuse power and people who are authority being cruel. It's happened before. No joke out instant terror I'd lose my senses to just escape anything. Bad...

I'm feeling like this too right now, it's because I'm depressed and thinking of the worst things that could happen to me, I'm not feeling at all hopeful about my life or my future, but I know it's due to the depression

I am so sorry. Feeling your pain.
I know that sometimes there is nothing rational about a fear, but still it is there.
Do you have anything you can use to embank these emotions? Is there anyone you can talk to?
What are your strenghts?
Sounds to me like you identify strongly with the victim role in the police scenario. Did something like that happen to you before? My suggestion would be to take control to make things better and empower yourself - not surrender. Talk about it. Talk about your emotions and the events which triggered them. There is room for change in the future, and you don't have to stay where you are. (Thinking like that often helps me when I feel stuck)

I don't know anything about your situation, but I hope you will find a way to cope with this. Lots of comfort and support to you!

This is Catstrophic Thinking. I hope people don't mind but I am going to as briefly as possible explain a way to take control of it.

Grab some paper and make three columns:

CATASTROPHIC THINKING WORSHEET
1. BEST CASE SCENARIO
2.WORST CASE SCENARIO
3 MOST LIKELY SCENARIO

now assign a value out of 100% to each

now look at the worst case and think about what you will do if that happens.

ex.
1. (BEST)I will perfectly drive where I need to go (48%)
2. (WORST) A cop will stop me and get angry and I will feel threatened and do something negative (2%)
3. (LIKELY) I may not be perfect but I will safely arrive (50%)

If a cop gets angry I can call for help or wave down another car

I really hope this helps

i think maybe meds would help with your anxiety about this issue. i know years and years ago i wouldn't even listen to someone suggesting meds, but after being on them i know myself they've helped tremendously.

I can identify with your fear, anxiety, and depression. There are some good suggestions on this thread. I think many of us feel like we are easily victimized because we have been.

No not really...

I try anything in the moment.

I didn't trust police because of many things recently and the past 4 years and I didn't do anything illegal to provoke them. They were being very pushy and really trying to make me give them a reason to beat me up and arrest me for whatever excuse they'll make up to get their ends meet. Also when I was a rape victim the police haphazardly didn't really help much at all. Blamed me a 6 years old at the time for not reporting earlier, but I was too scared to say anything. He had guns and knives and if I told anyone my family be killed. Man at 4 to 6 years old holding it in, I wanted to die feeling I would say something to an adult and naively come home and my family is dead.

That was a ****ed up feeling. I was the victim and still am of being just put away and just thrown over like I'm not meant for any recognition.
I needed my parents, but I didn't have them. I had day care providers who obviously didn't care too much.. I was either at pre school or kindergarten and grade school or day care all throughout my childhood not seeing much of my parents. It was weird seeing them when I was young.

As of now, it's like the fear of being alone is a real thing. It's not that I'm afraid of being lonely, I'm afraid of the hallucinations and the mental breakdown of what I have left which isn't much. I scream act out and just act mad because I am hearing things all the time from people I know or scenarios knowing what I would realistically do and the real constant theme is something I actually go through no one listens or ever understands me and if I did die I would be unnoticed and forgotten even further.

That wasn't something I thought of it's how it is.

I really just need people here. Like now, but it's like I'm severed from the world around me. Everything is much quieter than how most people feel.

I am so so so sorry!! Of course you weren't responsible for what happened and too scared and confused as a child. Any sensible person would have protected you. And of course these memories and emotions don't just go away.
Do you have a therapist you can trust and talk to? I really think that therapy could help heal a little bit of the past and give you some tools for your own empowerment.
You are not alone in this. Many people have experienced horrible things, because the world can be a f**** up place But know that it isn't your fault, and that it is over. I don't know much about PTSD, but is that something you maybe have been diagnosed with?

Feel free to talk whenever you want, us people on PC are here for you.
Love, comfort and a big warm hug to you

Optimism may help you.

Yes I have. It's ruined so many relationships and my mental health has given me more a blessing of better insight but a curse of just separated from people. Friends are impossible and I'm forced to be cut off till I'm in the environment whereI'm free to be around others outside of work. I'm afraid of taking opportunities like too many because it always crashed on myself backfired back at me. I have so many "friends" I've lost count.

I didn't have the life where most people always had somebody even when they said they didn't. I don't know or believe because of all the lies and constant disappointment and hurt I receive its safer to say I have no friends.

I just am feeling left behind because I wanted and need what they have but since I'm not like them they rather cut me off like a weighted bag. I'm sick of trying to be civil and being there for people and no one appreciates the good only the bad and I don't date because I was damned abused in that so much.
Marriage is equal to living hell for me and I'm not ever thinking about being a parent ver ever again.
I will not let myself suffer for someone else. I'm sick of just being the inconvenient one being there's always a friend or someone for somebody is lying... I was there for my friend who died 2 months ago and he left me.

It's ******** how I'm cut off. I'm not worthy to get anything ii want because of the life and circumstances I'm forced to be stuck with. That I'm sad because I'm imprisoned by my life, my mind, and definitely the lack of people and opportunity that make me feel confident in my own certainty I won't harm anyone else because I'm the one whose ****ed up and whose life was born to be a special kind of hell till death. That not once not ever has a another human being got me to stop crying and help me believe in myself and not being told I'm bad.
Not once someone didn't say they love me and not to keep me quiet but go out their way.

And even if they did how am I supposed to know what's that like when I have not receive such a simple gift emotionally from another. When they know was given to them all their life, but never understood and never will to not get it. It's a paradox I'll be living a life shut out from birth to death whether I like it or not it's what it is. I've stopped believing in other people. I don't make promises I don't care for what anyone thinks, I don't care what is bad in the world or good, all I know I don't want to be here...
And I don't belong.... you know if you're lived you're life like I had always alone always misidentified and misunderstood by everyone literally. It's like you're always a stranger and you feel both invited and intrusive and not welcomed.
That you never know what it's like to have control knowing who loves and doesn't love you .

My dear friend, I can see that you feel awful and your self-worth has been destroyed by what happened to you. But you ARE worthy and you deserve love and compassion like the rest of us. Humanity doesn't consist of perfect human beings and "the damaged rest".
If you want change, then go get help. Take little steps first, maybe make a doctors appointment and try something to get out of the depression, maybe even meds as someone above suggested. Try to take control over the things you actually CAN control. Be good to yourself please.
You are not alone, and I think you need help to get out of this. Maybe also a self-help group would be good for you, so you don't feel so alone in this? Ask the internet if resources like that are available where you live.
I know it is so very very hard if you have been hurt and are afraid people might react badly again. But not trying/giving up is not an option! Okay?!?

And I am sorry for your loss. I am sure your friend knew that you were there for him/her and it is sad and I understand that you are grieving. But it isn't your fault either. The best we can do is love and when we lose someone, it hurts like hell. But it is a part of life. It sounds to me like the loss of your friend caused some of this anxiety or brought things up again that you carry with you. I hope you find some comfort and support.