[Ladytmt]

Really in need of someone to talk to. I feel so bad right now after finding out i've been being lied to for the past 6 months by the guy i had been dating. Things started out good but the past month or so didn't feel right. He is an otr trucker so he's gone a lot. We've gone out of town a few times, dated, etc. but i started to feel that something wasnt right... I've never met his family or friends and i feel we didnt go out or do things as much as we should. I had bought us tickets to a show last month & he said he could go. I gave him a months notice. he cancelled a few days before and said he had to work but turns out he was with another woman & her family. I confronted him and at first he denied even knowing the woman until i told him there were pics on facebook posted on the same day of the show we were supposed to be at. He isn't on facebook but his brother is so i started browsing his brothers page. I looked at his friends list and saw the womans page and she had several pics of herself with the guy i was dating so it looks like they've been together for sometime at least since last year and on our very first date he said he'd been single a year...LIE! I also think he's engaged to her as i found unfinished wedding registry's online. I asked about that and he said there was an engagement but not anymore which i feel is still a lie since in her pics there is a ring on her finger but he Said i was jumping to conclusions and its not what i think. Said he was sorry & should've told me he was going to her family thing. Made it seem as if she's just a friend. Said he was beating himself up about this and felt he needed help and to talk to someone. Sorry but i also felt this was bull also and that he was only sorry i caught him. He lied about his whereabouts! But why do i feel so bad as if i was wrong!?? His entire demeanor changed after that. I haven't heard from him in a month now. I also found out he had an online dating profile and he said he wasn't on there to meet women and he was just on there playing a game! More lies!! U can use phone apps to play games!! I can see he hasn't been on that in weeks now either since I confronted him. So i guess shouldn't feel this way but why do i feel like his fiance is the lucky one? He's cheated on her and lied to her too. I should not feel Like he's now going to be this better person for her since he stopped talking to me and hasn't been online AND changed his number? He called me from a restricted number with this bogus story of how he lost his phone. If thats the case why is it still disconnected. I'm sure if that was true he could have gotten a new phone with the same number!! In the last few weeks i've found out his track record with women hasn't been good, he's barely in his kids lives. He was married for 11 years once and had 2 kids with different women other than his wife during that time. He seems to be a compulsive liar and I should feel lucky to be free with all i've found out lately but I feel like its tearing me up!!!! Like i lost something but this is a pathological liar right? Sometimes i'm ok then i'm angry. I feel like i have ocd because i keep thinking about it and cant let it go!!!

[kaliope]

hi ladytmt
i think it is hard to let go of and having all these feelings because you were invested honestly in this relationship and you were duped. this makes you feel stupid and being an intelligent woman i assume it is hard to believe that you didnt see the signs. so you really want to find ways to support he is the man you believed him to be so you werent entirely wrong about him so you dont look so foolish to yourself. i dont say this to insult you at all so please dont take it that way. it is just the way i felt when i found out about my husband's double life after five years of marriage. imagine being told by your brother in law, the nicest guy ever, that he was introduced to you in the afternoon shortly before the marriage and then later in the evening taken over to meet the girlfriend. like you couldnt have told me before i married him!?! sick sick men. and here i sit like 23 years after the divorce was finalized and i still cant fathom how i was so stupidly blind to fall for those lies.

welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

[seesaw]

Hi ladytmt,

I'm sorry this guy was such a creep! It's not your fault he was lying and cheating so try not to blame yourself. Maybe it would be better to look at it like you dodged a bullet! And by the way, good job on the investigative work. Actually sounds like you have a good "nose" on you if you felt something was wrong and sniffed it out.

((Hugs)) and welcome,

Seesaw

[Ladytmt]

Originally Posted by seesaw

Hi ladytmt,

I'm sorry this guy was such a creep! It's not your fault he was lying and cheating so try not to blame yourself. Maybe it would be better to look at it like you dodged a bullet! And by the way, good job on the investigative work. Actually sounds like you have a good "nose" on you if you felt something was wrong and sniffed it out.

((Hugs)) and welcome,

Seesaw

Thanks for responding! Can't understand why some people are so deceitful. But i guess selfishness. Sometimes i still feel like they won.

[lavendersage]

Originally Posted by Ladytmt

Thanks for responding! Can't understand why some people are so deceitful. But i guess selfishness. Sometimes i still feel like they won.

Liars never "win".

Honesty is pure, clean, true. It can be painful at times, too, but ultimately the bell of honesty rings the most beautiful of sounds.

Honesty lives in the sunlight.

Lies are born of the dark and dirt. They're unclean.

Liars never, ever "win" despite what the appearances may say to the contrary. Their advantages are gained by falseness so the victory is hollow.

You feel this way because you had feelings for him and they don't just shut off because you found all this out. As Seesaw said, you dodged a bullet. Now it will take time to get over. Just when you feel like you are getting over him, you are bound to have feelings resurface. It's a long process but one everyone's been through. Take all the time you need and take good care of yourself. Just know he surely has lost a great person.

[Thunder Bow]

@ April72, that nurse looks like she is going to stick me in the rear end with that needle! Ouch!

[Ladytmt]

Originally Posted by lavendersage

Liars never "win".

Honesty is pure, clean, true. It can be painful at times, too, but ultimately the bell of honesty rings the most beautiful of sounds.

Honesty lives in the sunlight.

Lies are born of the dark and dirt. They're unclean.

Liars never, ever "win" despite what the appearances may say to the contrary. Their advantages are gained by falseness so the victory is hollow.

Thanks for this! This is a better way to look at it and see him for who he really is!!

[Ladytmt]

Originally Posted by April72

You feel this way because you had feelings for him and they don't just shut off because you found all this out. As Seesaw said, you dodged a bullet. Now it will take time to get over. Just when you feel like you are getting over him, you are bound to have feelings resurface. It's a long process but one everyone's been through. Take all the time you need and take good care of yourself. Just know he surely has lost a great person.

Thanks! I still have my days good and bad and yes he lost a great person.

[emijec]

I had the same thing happen to me... that guy has huge issues. he's a narcissistic ahole and he victimized you. you are likely a sweet caring person who just finds hope and good in the worst people who mask themselves as normal people but they're not. and no it's not your fault at all for what happened. when I found out the guy I dated for 3 years cheated on me from day one, and fathered 3 kids , 3 kids while he was with me and left a string of other women on welfare I blamed myself! I thought what did I do wrk g why wasn't I enough for him to be with me, but that's how manipulated he's made you. sadly you have to untangle the emotional mess he has left you. it's horrible, it hits your self esteem, I don't know what's real and what's no. what was a lie what was genuine , like you lost your identity in the process ... but I can tell you that you should just assume everything was a lie and I hope you talk to a therapist and get medication. that's what I had to do, even during the process I was so angry, very angry that and depressed that it consumed me, bc I though how could I be like this, taking medication while he's out there living his life with someone knew... but the therapy , talking to someone objective little by little chipped away all that manipulation, anger, loneliness... it happened to me again by with a hug who had drug problems and here I am in my 2nd round ... what I've learned even though I'm still currently depressed is don't bend your standards with men, the first sign of trouble bail , trust your gut instinct bc u don't want to go through this agai . I'm so sorry this terrible jerk did this to you , no one deserves to be treated like that. there's selfish people out there, we need to learn to identify them and stay away.

[Ladytmt]

Originally Posted by emijec

I had the same thing happen to me... that guy has huge issues. he's a narcissistic ahole and he victimized you. you are likely a sweet caring person who just finds hope and good in the worst people who mask themselves as normal people but they're not. and no it's not your fault at all for what happened. when I found out the guy I dated for 3 years cheated on me from day one, and fathered 3 kids , 3 kids while he was with me and left a string of other women on welfare I blamed myself! I thought what did I do wrk g why wasn't I enough for him to be with me, but that's how manipulated he's made you. sadly you have to untangle the emotional mess he has left you. it's horrible, it hits your self esteem, I don't know what's real and what's no. what was a lie what was genuine , like you lost your identity in the process ... but I can tell you that you should just assume everything was a lie and I hope you talk to a therapist and get medication. that's what I had to do, even during the process I was so angry, very angry that and depressed that it consumed me, bc I though how could I be like this, taking medication while he's out there living his life with someone knew... but the therapy , talking to someone objective little by little chipped away all that manipulation, anger, loneliness... it happened to me again by with a hug who had drug problems and here I am in my 2nd round ... what I've learned even though I'm still currently depressed is don't bend your standards with men, the first sign of trouble bail , trust your gut instinct bc u don't want to go through this agai . I'm so sorry this terrible jerk did this to you , no one deserves to be treated like that. there's selfish people out there, we need to learn to identify them and stay away.

Omg! U nailed it. I'm feeling the ExACT same way!! U mentioned narcissist and my therapist feels he is a sociopath. I spoke with my therapist yesterday and i explained to her that i could have good intentions for my day like deciding to get up and go shopping and all of a sudden i'll just get angry it could be anything from a long line to someone staring at me and i"ll just get angry and go home. She asked the million dollar question..."do u think u are depressed"? I said YES. She recommended i talk to my dr about an anti depressant. These liars come into our lives and seem to ruin it. Lies from day one. Since he's been gone i've found out so much!!! i think about what i found out about his past relationships fathering 2 kids elsewhere while he was married. I think he used his ex wife badly credit and money wise. I should be thankful he's gone and stopped calling me but i feel ruined as if he's gonna change for the next woman but this is a 46 year old man. If using and lying to women has been his operation then why would he change for her. Along with myself im sure he's had other women who were good people but he ruined them!!!

[lavendersage]

Originally Posted by Ladytmt

Omg! U nailed it. I'm feeling the ExACT same way!! U mentioned narcissist and my therapist feels he is a sociopath. I spoke with my therapist yesterday and i explained to her that i could have good intentions for my day like deciding to get up and go shopping and all of a sudden i'll just get angry it could be anything from a long line to someone staring at me and i"ll just get angry and go home. She asked the million dollar question..."do u think u are depressed"? I said YES. She recommended i talk to my dr about an anti depressant. These liars come into our lives and seem to ruin it. Lies from day one. Since he's been gone i've found out so much!!! i think about what i found out about his past relationships fathering 2 kids elsewhere while he was married. I think he used his ex wife badly credit and money wise. I should be thankful he's gone and stopped calling me but i feel ruined as if he's gonna change for the next woman but this is a 46 year old man. If using and lying to women has been his operation then why would he change for her. Along with myself im sure he's had other women who were good people but he ruined them!!!

Not "ruined". Made them stumble, maybe even fall....but you work hard on self-care and you get back up again.

Never, ever give another living soul the power to "ruin" you. Hold on to your power, always. It's what you'll use to re-build yourself from the BS he made you a part of.

[lavendersage]

And, no, he's not going to change. Those spots are likely cast in stone by now. And, even if they aren't....have you figured out a way to stop or reverse time? Do share. Because, unless you have, you really don't want to hang in and hang on for the lengthy amount of time somebody with that kind of track record would require to effectively change their ways.

No.Thank.You.

Life's too frigging short.

[Ladytmt]

Originally Posted by lavendersage

Not "ruined". Made them stumble, maybe even fall....but you work hard on self-care and you get back up again.

Never, ever give another living soul the power to "ruin" you. Hold on to your power, always. It's what you'll use to re-build yourself from the BS he made you a part of.

You're right. "Ruined" is such an awful word to use. Broken is what i feel at the moment or like something in me has died. My self esteem did take a beating. Trying to build myself up again but it is sooo hard. Posting here and therapy helps but i know it will take a lot more time and work. I appreciate your posts!!!

[Ladytmt]

Well i felt the need to provide an update to my post because you guys were right... I found out he was recently arrested for swindling. I know some of your posts indicate he most likely won't change and is pretty much who he is and i got a lucky escape. I think finding out about the swindling and adding that to the info in my post was my confirmation. His court date is pending but i bet it'll just be a slap on the wrist. Seems he gets away with everything. I also see he has started using his online dating profile again!! Here i was thinking he had disappeared to magically become this faithful person for the fiance but looks like he's still attempting to cheat on her. Swindling involved deception and he also used deception to get me. I feel glad i found this out but again still kind of depressed because i had genuine feelings for a false person. I wish i could warn all the women he contacts because seeing him online i know what he is up to and i just feel sad for them.