[ScientiaOmnisEst]

Today I made some calls and completely got myself off welfare. Several hours later, I got a phone call from a job asking if I could come in today to start training. Still later I got another call for an interview. I'm already employed part time, but need to pick up extra work.

I should be thrilled at my new independence. I owe some debts, sure, but I'm no longer dependent on anyone but myself for support. You would think I can finally do whatever I want, be whoever I want, live however I want... by can I really? Do I have any right, after years of entitled usury, moral failure, and a general train wreck of an existence, years of doing and thinking in ways I had no business with - do I have any right to anything in life at all? Isn't it wrong for someone like me to now dress well, eat well, engage a rich inner life, talk about abstractions, learn useless things, or pursue personal goals, when they were once doing half of things on government money because they're too lazy and apathetic to search harder for work?

And I keep running into political talk involving welfare, and how much people hate welfare recipients. Talk about entitlement, getting something for nothing, how anyone who doesn't pull their weight should be executed, or just how the welfare mindset is indicative of instant gratification and low IQ. I have no right now to espouse any conservative thought whatsoever, though I'm in favor of cuts to welfare and increases and improvements in education. My mind's a mess in this subject - the whole thing feels like a huge personal attack whenever I read anything about it and I get this urge to confess what a horrible person I am.

I feel like I'm just the worst person in existence. I'm so ashamed of the life I've led I'm not sure if I even want it, going on with my past looming over me forever isn't worth it. I was thinking I might have good reason to be asocial now - nobody wants contact with someone who got their start in life by scamming welfare for a year, ten went on to shamelessly live as though they did nothing wrong.

I want to be punished, I want to be condemned. I want judgement from someone who realizes how need despicable I am and my behavior is, someone who despises welfare and its recipients. I should be excited about a new life, instead I'm paralyzed and afraid to do anything at all.

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by ScientiaOmnisEst

Today I made some calls and completely got myself off welfare. Several hours later, I got a phone call from a job asking if I could come in today to start training. Still later I got another call for an interview. I'm already employed part time, but need to pick up extra work.

I should be thrilled at my new independence. I owe some debts, sure, but I'm no longer dependent on anyone but myself for support. You would think I can finally do whatever I want, be whoever I want, live however I want... by can I really? Do I have any right, after years of entitled usury, moral failure, and a general train wreck of an existence, years of doing and thinking in ways I had no business with - do I have any right to anything in life at all? Isn't it wrong for someone like me to now dress well, eat well, engage a rich inner life, talk about abstractions, learn useless things, or pursue personal goals, when they were once doing half of things on government money because they're too lazy and apathetic to search harder for work?

And I keep running into political talk involving welfare, and how much people hate welfare recipients. Talk about entitlement, getting something for nothing, how anyone who doesn't pull their weight should be executed, or just how the welfare mindset is indicative of instant gratification and low IQ. I have no right now to espouse any conservative thought whatsoever, though I'm in favor of cuts to welfare and increases and improvements in education. My mind's a mess in this subject - the whole thing feels like a huge personal attack whenever I read anything about it and I get this urge to confess what a horrible person I am.

I feel like I'm just the worst person in existence. I'm so ashamed of the life I've led I'm not sure if I even want it, going on with my past looming over me forever isn't worth it. I was thinking I might have good reason to be asocial now - nobody wants contact with someone who got their start in life by scamming welfare for a year, ten went on to shamelessly live as though they did nothing wrong.

I want to be punished, I want to be condemned. I want judgement from someone who realizes how need despicable I am and my behavior is, someone who despises welfare and its recipients. I should be excited about a new life, instead I'm paralyzed and afraid to do anything at all.

Gosh, your mind reminds me of my mind. Other people do a lot of not great stuff they just chalk up to experience and they go on. Why? Because they know something we don't seem to know...that kind of rumination can drive you bonkers! I would say skip the judgments, and maybe yes, have less opinions if they set a gnarly trap for you mind. Just work. I will be overjoyed when I find work. I just want to work. It is the best therapy. Good luck, sweetheart. PS Use your wonderful intellect for positive pursuits. Oh, and heartfelt congrats to you!

[Lexi232]

im really impressed! most people arent able to admit things like that, and even more people arent able to realize or accept the thought of what it is theyve done. it takes a lot of strength to take the responsibility and ownership of your actions.

I know how it feels to feel like you deserve to be punished. sometimes it gets to a point that ive realized ive punished myself for much longer than any other person would of done at me. and i wish i knew the right words to help in this situation.
i want to tell you not to beat yourself up about it, however i also know that its a lot more complicated than just a "please dont do that".

i believe that punishment is meant to make sure we dont do it again, but sometimes ive found that the worrying about the punishment can be the punishment. meaning it passes up what the actual punishment would of been like.

youre a good person... one action, or a billion action doesnt change that. everyone deserves to be treated with respect. which is really out of some of our comfort zones. but its true.
you seem very mature

[ScientiaOmnisEst]

Originally Posted by Lexi232

im really impressed! most people arent able to admit things like that, and even more people arent able to realize or accept the thought of what it is theyve done. it takes a lot of strength to take the responsibility and ownership of your actions.

I don't see how one could avoid admitting it - I lived it for almost a year, had opposition staring me in the face every now and again online. And I had kids of downtime to think and reflect; being self-centered is actually an advantage here, since I kind of instinctively relate anything I hear or read to myself, as I said, hearing any kind of "welfare people are..." may as well have been "you are...". I guess I just don't know what to do with all this self-blame. Should I feel dirty for thinking or fantasizing, throw out my business ideas because I have no place following them, forbid any self-improvement, live wretchedly like I "deserve"? That's what's going through mind.

Weird you too about responsibility for ones actions - the very concept tends to scare me since I equate it with self-centered blame and punishment. "Taking responsibility for your actions" means anything be that happens is 100% your fault and you're bad because of it. At the same time, all my usual excuses are terribly hollow regarding my recent realizations.

Also, you're the second person in the last couple days to call me mature. I don't feel mature at all; the more I interact with the world and think about things in general, the more I feel like a stupid, clueless child. A teenager at best.

[CANDC]

Hi ScientiaOmnisEst. Sorry you have suffered through so much but you seem to be reaching a measure of independence. Have you considered talking to a therapist about some of your issues.

I beat myself up pretty bad because I was never perfect enough for my parents. I accepted that role for a long time until I finally started to work toward building self esteem. I found this article a help in that direction.
Building Self-Esteem | Psych Central

[BeaFlower]

Don't be hard on yourself Changes are scary, also when they are good. Go step by step. You'll arrive to enjoy your independence

[seesaw]

I think you are lumping yourself together with people who abuse the system versus people like you and I, who needed welfare (in my case disability) for awhile to get back on our feet, and now we are, and thriving. There is a vast difference between someone who needs a leg up and someone who abuses the system.

Try not to be so hard on yourself for needing help and accepting it. You did the right thing and it helped you.

Seesaw

[ScientiaOmnisEst]

Originally Posted by seesaw

I think you are lumping yourself together with people who abuse the system versus people like you and I, who needed welfare (in my case disability) for awhile to get back on our feet, and now we are, and thriving. There is a vast difference between someone who needs a leg up and someone who abuses the system.

Try not to be so hard on yourself for needing help and accepting it. You did the right thing and it helped you.

Seesaw

I did abuse the system. I basically lived in junk food - snacks and sweets - for weeks on end. My case hasn't fully closed and I've eaten $15 worth of sweets in the past two days. It isn't right, but I can't stop myself.

Not to mention I left home in the first place because I'm a whiny entitled b!tch who couldn't get a job and is the laziest job searcher ever. I was allowed on because I had an advocate who believed my home situation was abusive. It was - I was the abuser. I never should have been allowed on, never should have been given anything. Do you see why I feel like a train wreck of a person?

I've even considered paying back welfare. I ran the numbers: since all I got was temp assistance and food, it comes to about $6000 for 11 months. And that's not counting the four months I didn't get temp because I had a job, or the $400 in leftover FS. But I feel effing horrible so paying it all back seems like a fitting punishment.

I wasn't getting on my feet either. I was getting my start in life and being lazy.

[avlady]

some people do need the money-ssa ssd welfare. i used to hear people say get a job which always got me mad. i was disabled in 3 differrent accidents with head injuries and these people are so arrogant and stupid as they can't figure out why some people need it. you wouldn't want to work with me because i get seizures too. good luck

[MARGURITTE]

You sound like you used the help when you needed it. It does not sound like you abuse the system in any way. You are off of it and on a different path. Take joy as you can, go forward, be safe in what you do. Good luck!

[Thunder Bow]

You fearing your success. You are fishing for, and collecting reasons to keep feeling bad about yourself. You need not to do that any more. Start your new job and be proud of your progress and success. Time to move on.

Dear ScientiaOmnisEst:
If at least some of the time spent on welfare was used to improve yourself, it wasn't totally terrible; there are people (crony capitalism) who have abused the system more. Sounds like you've had some financial stress. Just use the welfare to give yourself a chance to get on the right path. If you've hurt others, try to make it up. If that's not possible then do no more harm. Keep searching for peace and be brave!
Sincerely,
Myst

[Skeezyks]

Hello ScientiaOmnisEst: I once attended a partial hospital program where they told us: "Don't should on yourself..." Don't hobble yourself with unnecessary & unhelpful beliefs & expectations.There are things about my past I have not shared here on PC or much of anywhere else. I believe I understand what you're feeling because I have many of the same feelings. The only difference is I'm old & no longer care to have any kind of life, good, bad, or indifferent... I simply keep to myself while awaiting the end which I hope comes sooner rather than later. And, in the meantime, I strive to accept the fact that I am the person who did what I did. There's no changing it & there's no getting around it. I don't understand it... it simply was what it was...

I have an internet friend in the U.K. He is a Christian. (I am a devout atheist.) But if I were a Christian, he is the type of Christian I would want to be... in so many ways... He knows more about my past than most anyone else. And he has, in the past, written about the power of forgiveness... of the self as well as of others. For my part however I have told him that, from my perspective, there are some things one simply cannot forgive oneself for. Others may choose to forgive. But self-forgiveness is inappropriate. The most one can strive for is simple acceptance. This is what I strive for in my own life.

Still... I think, if one can, one should move forward to the best of one's ability. It serves no useful purpose to continue to beat oneself up over things that are now in the past. From what you wrote, it doesn't sound to me as though what you are castigating yourself over was all that serious, in the whole scheme of things. But of course guilt, as with beauty, is in the eyes of the beholder. If you feel what you did was terrible, my suggesting it wasn't won't help. So I will simply offer you some healing thoughts, with the hope that in some way you will perhaps be able to achieve self-forgiveness, or barring that, a level of simple acceptance that will allow you to move forward into a brighter future.

[Nimitri]

Yes, it's like "Why I didi to deserve that"? That's the word isn't? Deserve. People are happy because they deserve it. Because they worked hard and are more worthy of it while we abused or harmed our way and know we have this? What's the catch? How is this fair?

I had an amazing life. I lived in an apartment fit for a family during all my college, I had a credit card and my home to return some months. I have all the money to had a fantastical life.

And I... wasted so much of it.

I ate like a pig, horrible and unmanaged my credit car. Never into what would you call a bet, a couple hundred (or a hundred in your money) every month or so, but they were stupid things. I passed all my time in my computer, eating or watching porn. I was alone, never made lasting friends and wasted myself in isolation.

It took me 10 years to finish my career.

10 years. Every time I think about it, when I see my highschool mates and their working experience and titles or I think about so many millions of you Americans and you student debts I feel like throwing up.

I live in a 3 storey house (we built in a desolated part of the town that now is a centre zone), I eat like a king, I got a helper for my mom who cleans my clothes, the house and make my breakfast (we are not rich, but middle class and live with my mom pension as a doctor, it's a little different here in Mexico I guess). I got medicines, I got a therapy outside of town.

I got a wonderful life.

What have I done to deserve it? Why me when so many people suffer so much, try so hard and work so hard to make it? Yes I was sick (I think you also passed from several emotional upheavals) and self-destructive and to get where we are right now it cost us so much work, so much sacrifice, tears and frustration. We suffered to be who we are.

But what about the people who didn't have the change and deserve it more? The mother who works 14 hours for her two kids who never has a break? The Poor man who needed to go out of college and know is in a disability program? The millions who lived like you and didn't make it?

Why they suffer when we should? How dare us to look at the people in the face with any semblance of dignity? We did so much wrong, we abused and made mistakes. We should be screwed.

Hell, right know writing this I feel like a whiny brat because you must have suffered more than me and here I am trying to compare to what you had to pass. What right do I have to even said we are simmilar?

My psychiatrist once told me: no one deserves anything. We got what we got because that's life. I hated that. I still do but I think there is some kind of truth in it. That sometimes life is life. That with our effort and luck we get the things we had because the millions of happenstance that are no-one's fault. That we don't deserve so much as experience existence.

For that, I ask myself this: Do I deserve to suffer? If I suffer, the people who are worse than me or be offended by my life would be better? Happier? Healthier? If I cry and beat myself up for this destiny, would the mother, the working man, you, be helped in some way?

I wish I could say that this is an answer, but as you can see by my post I still fight against this kind of thinking every day.

The only advice I can give you is: this life that you have is yours and try to forgive yourself every minute. To love yourself. Just because you are still alive. Because you deserve it because you are you and no one can force you to hate and harm yourself.

It's difficult and it's something that you need to do each day. Breath. Every time you feel that hate, breath. Be in the moment. Maybe you can't stop the memories and the feeling of shame, but you can accept who you are right now, just you and only you.