[brainy]

I have this problem (what else is new eh? We're here because we're all having problems).
Anyway, the problem is when I am or get upset I go off verbally, and then have to turn around and apologize to the person. I mean, I begin feeling more than absolutely rotten!! I start feeling that I messed up the relationship with that person, whether it's family, friend, or romantic. I start feeling that he or she no longer wants anything to do with me.
Of course the person always accepts my apology. But I'm so scared of it repeating itself. I'm so afraid that he or she will tire of me, and throw up their hands as in "Forget you! You're nuts! I can't take you anymore!"
The man I'm involved with? Now he's a classic example. Just this past Tuesday, something occurred about a stupid call, and I went off. He kept calling, I kept refusing to answer. Finally he left a voicemail saying how is it when I call him, I want him to answer (true), yet when he calls I don't answer (this time). He was right.
So I texted him an apology, again.
He texted right back saying "When you're feeling out of it, don't call, wait until you're okay. Love you..."
At first I felt that was soo wrong of him to say that to me, because, after all, I have an illness that yes, he knows about because I told him. I felt he was cutting me off.
But after calming down (actually, truthfully, forcing myself to), I had to think about it. And I had to admit that, one, I hurt him. Two, I disrespected him. Three, he does have a spine after all and is not going to allow someone, illness and all, to mistreat him. Four, he's giving me space. Five, he did not cut me off after all.
Sometimes I get sick of me.

Hi brainy,
I'm impressed with your self-reflection here. It shows remarkable insight and self-awareness. . . . You also have humility and empathy . . . You're also able to put yourself in his position . . . You know, these qualities and abilities are not as common as you might think and I bet your man appreciates them.
Regarding the situation you described:
You have a few things going for you: 1) you are aware of your moods and behavior 2) you know how to reflect on your behavior and see it through others' eyes 3) you truly care about the other persons' experience and point of view 4) he sounds understanding and patient (and I'm sure have a lot of other things going for you in this situation too)

When I read your post I see a good kind person who is continuing to grow and learn. Do you know what your preferred alternative response you would like to choose in the future (when encountering situations similar to the one you describe above)? Is it something you can work on? I'm sorry I don't know much about your illness and I don't want to be presumptuous.
Take care,
Jayne

[brainy]

Jayne, OMG! Thank you so much for your words! .
First, no I do not have an alternative response, as a matter of fact, I hadn't even thought of having an alternative response really. I'll bring that up with my therapist.
Second, I had no idea I was self-reflecting, with "remarkable insight and self awareness."
And as far as my man is concerned, well past Tuesday, for the first time, with me anyway, he lost it, I guess. He's not perfect after all.
When I refused to answer the phone, he left a message. One thing he said was "Are you going through one of your moods!? Did you forget to take your medication!"?
At first, when listening to that part of the message, I admit my blood boiled!!! It sure did! "How dare he!" I said to myself. "I can't believe he's using this against me! Can't believe it!" Oh I was soo upset.
But, again, after calming down, (and trust me, the calming down part took some time) actually forcing myself to calm down, I had to admit that though he was dead wrong, I was wrong too, and he was only reacting. It was wayyy after that that I apologized, and immediately he texted what he did.
I just know how I act at times, am affecting people in my life, and how they all are so wonderful about it, yet I'm in almost constant fear that one day they'll get tired of it. It hurts me that I'm hurting them, yet at times I feel I have no control, yet that's totally ridiculous because we all have control, even if it's a bit. Afterwards, I feel more than rotten, put my tail between my legs and apologize. Yet when I say or tell myself it won't happen again...BOOM! it does and as they say "here we go again."
Am I a slave to this illness? (Bipolar depression, with PD tendencies).

[brainy]

Its exactly 1:05am, and I can't sleep. All I can think of at the moment is how much I hurt people, and recently the object was this man I really, really, really like.
I want so much to make it up to him but I don't know how. I'm in torment. This is the first time, literally, I've shed tears on how I've badly treated a man. Its always been the other way around.
Im aware he's not perfect, he has cobwebs in his life Im sure of his own making, yet he's the most complete man I've ever known.
I'm afraid to call him, as a matter of fact he left a message regarding why is it I don't answer the phone when he calls, and if I don't answer him, then dont call! He's reacting that's all. Just reacting.
What if I call, and he doesn't answer because of what I did? I have no one to blame but myself.
I really have to get myself together.
My therapist wants me to be careful because of my history of being hurt by men, so her concern is quite understandable. Yet Im hurt now, but little does she know that my pain is coming from hurting him. It's my first time experiencing something like this and it's completely unbearable.

Hi Brainy,
First of all, I hope you are sleeping now. Please know that I think your actions are forgivable--I know that doesn't mean much coming from a stranger and I don't know everything about the situation, but you are really beating yourself up right now and I just want to give a voice that says 'hey there, please stop and breath. You are a precious human who is worth patience, and second and third chances.' If he doesn't pick up the phone, he can still call you back later. Also, if he does move on, you still have gained so much valuable insight and you will do better the next time around.
I meant what I said in the first post too regarding your excellent reflection and self awareness and empathy and concern for others --you might be surprised how many people in this world cannot do (or chose not to do) what you have described in your posts. Yes, the goal may be to eventually be able to have that pause and self reflection during the conflict, but it sounds like you are the kind of person who truly grows and learns and makes changes. Look at you your partner picker radar has already improved you used to be with guys who didn't appreciate you, now you've chosen someone good.

Oh, and regarding bipolar depression and PD tendencies: I really don't know much about them. I have another relative who has been diagnosed with the former so I'd like to learn more. She had some rocky years but it's my understanding she's doing really well.
I think your going to continue to grow and to learn how to be the best you possible and eventually Bipolar depression and PD will be things you manage. I also believe such illnesses bring unexpected gifts. Take for instance your empathy, ability to put yourself in other people's shoes, and your emotional strength and self awareness. I have met people through this forum and another who are struggling with similar illnesses and the amazing thing is through those struggle they develop skills and qualities other people who do not suffer these illnesses never develop.
I apologize if I've made any assumptions in my above reply.
Please take care and I hope you end up getting some good sleep tonight.

[brainy]

Thank you again Jayne.
I'm in constant communication, via email, calls, with a woman I met online and she has such knowledge and understanding about life, relationships it's mind boggling.
So she returned my email about which I wrote the above.
The gist of such is that I need to set boundaries. She feels my guy has set them with me which is why he said what he said with one being don't call him until I'm feeling better. I felt it was because I had hurt him. This is not saying I haven't, yet my email friends seems to feel that since I don't know about his past relationships, maybe they played games with him, and then there's momma. In other words, my email buddy feels he might have felt I was playing games, which of course I wasn't. She said those words were just saying for me to wait until I'm more rational before I call, and that makes nothing but sense. She has a way of knowing how to calm me down...somehow. I guess it's a gift, and we all have gifts.
Before I read her I was planning to call him tomorrow night. But now I don't know. I might still. But it's a might for tomorrow night because I had planned what to say to him, but my planned words were coming from a fear of him leaving, and I have enough sense to know that's hardly rational. Yet, neither do I want to prolong this. It has to be done...setting boundaries. He has set them with me when he said what he said. He's letting me know that although he understands I have these issues, he will not tolerate playing games. And I totally agree! It took this to wake me up to the fact that, due to my own baggage I, at times, and unintentionally, play games.
You know something? I think I've finally grown up, and it took a man like this to make me swallow the grown up pill.