The blackness that is my home

Please forgive me if I have placed this in the wrong section.

I am soul crushingly lonely. My flat is becoming my jail cell. I can't stand it. I can't stand opening the door to find no one there. No one would care if I came home at night (because they are not there).

I had two great women in my life and I blew it up. I miss them. They can't forgive me even though I didn't really know I was sick.

I am left having to try to start again. I went a companion but I'm so tired of putting in the effort. Online dating is just a beauty contest and your self esteem takes a hit every time you put out a feeler.

Should I just move? But that would just moving the problem.

Why did I lose the ones I loved! I am so stupid and worthless. Maybe I deserve this. I sit here and genuinely want to die. But that's not easy to do and I've researched it at length.

I don't know the situation with your loved ones so I can't really give any advice on if or how it possibly could be fixed. I would say that in general it is best to try to go the extra mile before moving on...if not for hope of repairing the relationship...at least so both parties have a clear understanding of each other's feeling thoughts and reasons for there to be less feelings of confusion anger mistrust etc. Because leaving a relationship with residual raw emotions can be very damaging to one or both parties. The pain of loss is inevitable...you must take your time to grieve. When you're ready to start moving on you'll know..don't jump the gun just to not be lonely. It may seem easier in the present but can greatly complicate the future. Just some thoughts. I don't know if any of this applies to you...but I hope it helps.
-LITW

Thanks so much for your helpful reply.

I am obsessing about it. Day in and day out and it makes me so sad.

Then I start feeling suicidal. I have to call my mum to come and get me. This feels like it will kill me.

(((HUGS&TEARS))))
Please hang in there. We all make mistakes and have regrets. I don't know what happened but even if you did something bad doesn't make you a bad person. If you can make amends then do...if not then move forward. Failure is the most valuable of all lessens because it teaches us humility. You now will know what not to do.
On a personal note I just had my heart broken very cruelly...wish that he were more like you.
-lost

Thanks LIW. I'm sorry to hear about your circumstances.

My behaviour was more about the condition being out of control and untreated so I would stay out all night, drink and gamble excessively, spend an inordinate amount of money, be irritable and completely divorced from feeling and then masses of depression.

I basically walked out of one relationship and the other left me.

The one I walked out of is the one I feel most shame about.

I read your story and I feel that your being too hard on yourself in the first place. Past actions do influence the future within the realm that you live in and that maybe difficult to deal with. You said that your "wrong" also had to do with your ilness. In this respect I feel that to the extent it has to do with your ilness - you as an individual are powerless - because you did not chose to be ill and the way society is - most people make bad choices - and for some this results in mental ilness - in combination with coping with "normal" difficult circumstances - that in essential are not natural for human beings but are an accepted reality - in combination with maybe something you were born with. If your surrounding do not understand that you could try to explain - and maybe they are willing to listen. Furthermore, if you made mistakes based on being a not so nice a person - Then can make the choice today - to change or start changing these aspects about you - that ultimately keep people at a distance from you. Furthermore, no matter on what level of ilness you are and how it is effecting your social contact - there is always a world of people out there - that are willing to be part of your life. In my opinion this is 95% absolute truth. Ultimately, if you are lonely - you have the need to be around people and especially people that care about you and/or be in meaningful contact with others - social media and other online media also help in this respect and so does a pet in more ways than one - especially one that you can go outside with. Remember, from my perspective no matter how you are and all the mistakes you made - you can only let that define you as a person. By making positive choices and chosing a positive state of mind or aspiring for it - it will be easier to make positive choices and make your life better a little bit everyday. True communication and interest in others - listening to their problems and issues - having a genuine interest in others - will also help you build meaningful relationships I feel. I hope that you find wisdom in a percentage of what I am saying and that any aspect of what I am saying that you do not agree with at all you don't let it influence you negatively. By helping others - like your neighbors - with anything - that you can do - can also be a start - for improving social relations - just like any club or activity where you may find like minded people. In essence it is your choice to be lonely and stay lonely is my opinion - There are a gazillion - things that you can do... By doing you will start feeling better...Maybe not immediatly - but over time almost guaranteed! This is my 2 cents and I hope I helped a bit.

Thanks Wadjis.

Since my original post, I've made an appointment to see a personal trainer, dietician, and managed to get a few days work in.

I am still having significant panic attacks.

I was in the middle of a panic and I texted one of my exes begging her to take me back. Sh said and is now offended. We had been building a positive relationship and my text has blown it up.

I apologised immediately and tried to explain that I was I a major panic and was trying to find an anchor. It was only one message and now I am being hung out to dry. I feel bad about it. It just proves I am such a jerk. It was selfish to say something in the text as I obviously hurt her originally.

I'm still at my mums. I just need the company at night. Your friends aren't there at night.

Doctor gave me Valium. What does that do?

You are not a jerk. You are having a hard time both in trying to deal with your mental health issues and in the grief process of coming to terms with your break up. I don't know what exactly you texted her but when having a rough bout it is natural to reach out to those who we feel closest to...it is hard..I know..I'm having a rough time too..It's impossible but I know how it feels all the oxygen gets sucked outta the room and you just want so badly to go back..back to that person place and time when last you remember feeling cared for ..it happens. Just explain and apologize for whatever triggered her..if she truly wants to try to work thru the break up and towards a healthy friendship..I'm sure she will understand...give it a little space and when you are feeling calm and able text an apology and explain what you were feeling at the time and that you still really want to work thru this with her you are in treatment and do understand and want a healthy friendship. Now breathe!...it will be OK

As for the Valium..
Valium is an anti-anxiety medication in the benzodiazapine (sp?)...class. like any other med it depends on the person how they will respond to it. If it is agreeable to your body/genetics..and at the correct dosage should be very low..it is a very mild sedative. All benzos can make you drowsy or groggy or impair your judgement...if it is the right med at the rughyt dose it should not or very little side effects..it should just calm the anxiety and help keep it in check. The first few days take with extreme caution! Because it may have a greater effect at first if you have never taken it before. If you feel "drugged" (groggy, foggy, drowsy, out of it, underwater, falling asleep) at all after a few days..talk to your Dr about stitching to another med or adjusting the dosage. Like it says on all labels **do not mix with alcohol or other drugs. And do not drive or operate machinery until you are used to the effects! **

I can not stress enough...if you feel off talk to your Dr!..
I have been on a benzodiazapine (in the same family as Valium) for almost 10yrs I think now! And I if I take it at bed time it does usually help me fall asleep.. but not knock me out..and if I take it during the day for panic or anxiety attacks it just calms the mind of anxious thoughts and helps stop the physical sensations but I don't feel the med it's self. It should when right be like taking Tylenol for a headache.
But the wrong med...man! I was once given the lowest dose made of another med in the same family and it Knocked me out Cold for like 15 hrs! I woke up and my phone was still in my hand! I dissociate (lose time) so at first thats,what I thought maybe had happened but the nurse can in and told me how long I had been asleep! So BE CAUTIOUS! you should know pretty quickly how it effects you..
Also last Caution..**Benzos are potentially addictive! And absolute HELL to detox off of if you have been on them for a while! ***
While I am not addicted to my med. I am dependent to it. I don't crave it. I don't abuse it..I don't even take as much as prescribed most of the time..but I have to keep a minimal amount in my system. If I miss a day and a half or more...I start feeling awful. Like sweating shaking can't breathe start freaking out occasionally I have had mild hallucinations without it...and if I tried to get off of it by now I would most likely suffer from tremors and possibly seizures for the rest of my life...staying on it..one way ticket to early onset dementia which I am genetically at risk for anyway...but the seizure thing is particular to only the med I happen to be on I think?..but..sorry for the rambling my mind is just not focused right now...long and short...take with caution for short-term if possible and hopefully it helps and you can find other ways or a non-addictive med to replace it in time
-lost

Thanks LIW!

I went out with a friend. And then just cause I'm on fire at the moment had a minor car accident. It was my fault. It happened outside a pub where the patrons decided to abuse and heckle me. Maybe it was the lithium but I didn't react. I just felt numb at the abuse.

So I exchanged details and then I got a message from the guy who then rang saying that the vehicle was a write off. ********. I told him he was a scammer and I would let my insurance to deal with him.

But I then got totally anxious. Maybe I shouldn't be driving? I do feel foggy at the moment.

I came back to my mums who could see I was shook up.

I'm so tired. I really struggle to see a future and a way. I've done some really positive things to try to turn this around and am forcing myself to work, but I am so tired.

I really do appreciate the replies. I don't want to come across as a whiner.

People say be positive and I do get that. And I do have some stuff going for me. But I must say that I feel like I need a break.

This depression phase has probably been the longest stretch. I kind of long for mania to get out of this.

Does anyone ever think that it's the meds that do it to us? I know they don't but I am just at a loss. My pdoc is a great guy but sometimes I think his only answer is more medications.

They say it turns around and I know from my own experience it does but I don't think I can keep going into this depression which seems to hold longer and longer each year.

Sometimes you know with a suicide thought I only hold on because of the pain of it and the embarrassment caused to my family. It's selfish I think that way.

I'm sorry you feel this bad. Depression truly sucks.. I wish I had some advice to give you

Maybe get some CBD. http://www.cbd.org

Thanks mickeycheeky.

I think the car accident has me shook up. I feel like I go out but still can't get it right.

This will sound like an odd question.

I have some strong S thoughts regularly and have had 2 failed attempts.

Part of me genuinely thinks it's a matter of time. Not now!

I've been wondering about whether I should confide in a friend who knows my battle about what they should do if anything happens. They saved me once when I tried it so they know me. If it is way too selfish to do this then of course I won't and I'm not saying I definitely will (least not now) but I would like someone who knew where to go for my stuff to help my family?

NAMI.org has lots of resources for helping family and friends with loved ones who suffer from MI. Lots of educational tips for support. For yourself if you are having thoughts contact a suicide hotline...there is a sticky thread in depression forum with list of numbers to call
Be Safe!
-LITW

Going to try to go home today. Scared and nervous.