Feeling proud of self destructive behaviour?

So,I take one medicine to sleep at night and a lot of times I mix it with alcohol when I go out.I know sleeping pills+alcohol is a potently harming but somehow it makes me feel proud for taking the risk(I struggle with suicidal ideation).I feel scared because of the proudness that I feel because I know deep down that this behaviour is not good.I don't know,could this be because I feel a lot of times suicidal but don't actually want to hurt anyone so I try to do it in a way it would seem acidental??

Sounds like something is not working properly since you are still suicidal. You should talk to your doctor about these feelings and see if he can give you something to get rid of them so you won't want to be self destructive. Be safe.

Best to get help right away. Call the crisis line imeadiately when you feel like doing this. When you take the risk to heal, then the pride you would feel would be more authentic.

Get help Have you talked to your doctor about this?

Hi Snowsunshine

I completely get depression can lead you towards so much wanting to end it all.........but sometimes taking that big, final step can be real hard, so maybe that sense of pride could be about you pushing past a part (of whatever size) inside you that can't/won't/isn't going to sui.......for whatever reason.....the part that "fights on"..........the part that maybe you see as "weak"??
But to me.........I'd say that maybe you should be really proud of that part.........the part that "fights on" despite..........
That's a part that maybe you should try to really respect and nurture.........

Now, I really do know that may seem much easier said than done, and I absolutely aren't saying "just shrug off" the "pain" you may be going through, because that matters!!
But maybe if you could get some more help/support with what you're going through??
From someone you can trust (if there's someone?), from crisis lines, from us??

I know that things must be so hard for you right now but they don't necessarily need to stay that way forever, so how about giving that part of you that has been fighting on more of the chance it deserves, and yourself more of the chance you deserve
There are going to be people who really care, people who can offer you support to build on that strength inside you out, out there.........please give it a try

And if you want to talk more.........we're here

Alison

THANK you for your kind words.But I don't think I can handle this anymore.I try so hard yet it feels like nothing changes.I'm just tired.

Hi Snowsunshine

Well it is fantastic that you've been trying so hard and wanting change, respect!!
But when you're not only having to cope with the depression, it has to be so (even more!!) deflating seeing your efforts seemingly going nowhere.........I can imagine you must be so drained by it all
But you know those efforts needn't have gone no-where, afterall they have brought you here!!
And that could gradually make a big difference, even if we're "just" talking about the feeling of being less alone in what you're going through for right now

And for more changes...........I'm thinking maybe some more support with some different directions might help?? And that's not for a second saying you've taken wrong directions in trying/in your efforts before, not at all!!!
Just that sometimes you have to try things before you know that they aren't working, and you have!! So kudos!!
And now........maybe maybe us on PC can join you in finding some different directions........
Obviously I've got to agree with other posts in suggesting trying crisis lines, you know there have been plenty of people on here who have said that when they found the right ones they were really helpful
And I am going to be completely negligent if I don't remind you that alcohol can be a depressant in itself, but of course maybe you know that anyway, so just saying.......something to think about
But other than that perhaps there's "stuff" going on in your life right now, that we can offer you support with........perhaps we can be there for you when things are feeling tough.........perhaps letting out those feelings can help........
And I'm not saying that things might change for you immediately, we know they don't necessarily, just that given time they could.........and by the sounds of it you have come so far..........you do deserve the chance for change

Alison

Hi Snowsunshine. I just wanted to give you a Frankbtl has some wise words.

Hi Snowsunshine
It is very hard just to get thru the day at times... I can relate.
Please stick with us here at PC.
All that have posted are truly genuine kind caring supportive people..and there are many more like them here who have felt like you do presently at times as well... when things get bad..come on here and write it out!..I think you will find you are not alone..and hopefully whatever is causing you to feel so hopeless right now ...will pass..in the meantime...one moment at a time. We will be here to help you thru.
-LITW

This is fantastic advice.

These are messed up thoughts and emotions. If you have no other resources you can call a crisis hotline and honestly talk about what you are thinking, feeling and doing. I called crisis hotlines for almost a month. I am finally taking suicidal ideation off the table. Often this ideation is serving another purpose. It sounds like that might be the case with you. You might have other aspirations you are afraid of thinking about so you turn to this risky behavior. I think deep down you want to be good at something. But it is not risky behavior with drugs and alcohol. It will be okay. You can find your way onto a better path with authentic challenges. But you need to slow down. Consider calling a crisis hotline. It helps. I called a bunch of different ones. I have talked to some really great people. They can help you put coping skills in place. Best wishes.