Spiraling Downward

*** Venting ***

I remember that I haven never been inclined to have fun, to live as others. But I have never been as weak as I'm now. I guess the point in which I changed from the state of stable surviving to spiraling downward and self-destruction was when I decided to pursue my grad school in a foreign country. It was very difficult for me. I was already lonely and felt isolated. But above of that I struggled for the first 3 years to do something, anything for my dissertation. I didn't know what to do. People weren't willing to help. People weren't willing to even listen. I was desperate to find an ear to just listen to me.

At first, I found relief in reading the Bible and religious texts. However, I was exposed to the scientific explanation of things. I couldn't accept it at first, but with time I couldn't deny it. I felt so empty then. Now I had no consoling whatsoever. So, I suffered silently alone in my bed every night. My tears were my only relief if I could cry. I remember I was about to have a full breakdown in the shower. This was the first time I was about to fell on the ground because I couldn't bear my emotions and the thoughts in my head. It happened a couple more times since then. Luckily I cried in each time. It was like a way to release my inner pressure before I exploded.

Anyway, from there, from my grad school, my serious isolation has begun. My view to life has changed dramatically. My depression began to grow. I've become more sensitive to people's reactions. Conscious to what they do and say. Disappointment was all I've found. Ignoring is all I've received. My view of life has been reinforced again and again. Now I don't even want to go home, because I don't feel I belong there either. Depression has grown to uncontrollable size. But it's all my fault. I couldn't bounce back. I wasn't be able to. I don't have the resilience. Now all I feel is that I don't belong to this life. I never actually did. Probably, I shouldn't be here in the first place. People tend to listen and help those who have some positive outlook in life. Those who have the motivation. I don't have any of that. I don't deserve to live. But I didn't ask for life either.

Hello Mr. Stranger: I hope your good-bye is not a sign of your intent to suicide. If so, please reach out, in real life, for the help you need. I've been hospitalized twice following major suicide attempts. It's an ugly business. If you don't want to or can't call a crisis hotline or go to a hospital emergency services department, then reach out here on PC via Personal Message to some member with whom you feel comfortable. I'm sorry you feel so alone. Please take care...

((((((((Mr. Stranger))))))) You are not alone in your frustrations with grad school and finding people unhelpful there and stress of dissertation. My brother went through the same thing. I can't even imagine writing and giving a dissertation so I commend you!!

I don't believe depression is a matter of not being strong or resilient enough. It's many things, but not that.

If you are in a very bad place, I recommend what Skeezyks said in his post to you.

I don't have the courage or the energy to commit suicide. Beside I don't have ideation. Just the hopeless and helpless feelings. Thanks for your concern, though, and sorry to hear about your attempts.

Suicide isn't courageous...it's cowardly.

Graduate school is very frustrating. I wasn't the only one, but because I wasn't sociable like others, I couldn't release all this stress and frustration in healthy ways, like going out and talk to people and socializing and to forget about the dissertation for a while. I was 24/7 anxious and stressed out that I would be kicked out and lose 3-4 years and lose all the money I spent for nothing. It remained inside me, and has been transformed into an unmanageable depression eventually. At the end, I managed to graduate. It's been two years since I graduated, but I haven't recovered since it hit me hard.

Do you ever visit the USA? (Are you from the USA?) When I was younger, I spent a lot of time overseas; it can really get lonely not speaking the native language of the country you reside in. I didn't return home much but when I did, boy, was it euphoric when the plane landed in the city I attended college in. It was a desert city surrounded by mountains that were my sanctuary in my previous life. I would usually think of Linda Ronstadt singing the song "Back in the USA". Sometimes we just need to change our environment to beat are depression, though, unfortunately, I know many can't due to financial constrainst and other issues.....

That is a heavy load Mr. Stranger, depression can happen when strong people struggle too long alone. I do hope you can find someone, even if a professional (they are not all the same, some of them better than others, but some can be very good) to listen to you.

You deserve to go to Grad School, you deserve success. Stop whining, and just do it. You got a life ahead of you that many don't have, or can afford to have.

I'm really sorry you're struggling so badly..

In spite of the pain you didn't quit and now you have a graduates degree. You should be proud of that. College is tough and I can't imagine how much tougher it could be if it was done in another country. I don't know but that seems like it might be an issue being the stranger in a strange land. I think you are stronger than you give yourself credit and that you can make it through this. I believe in you.

It's to complete grad school. I'm sorry that all the stress got to you. Have you tried therapy?

Thanks all for all the support. I appreciate it.

@Hopingtrying: As you might suspect from my English, I'm not from the USA and have never visited USA, but one day I'd love to visit. I know what you are saying, though. I've spent most of my adult life outside my home country. But I usually feel something different when I get closer to my town where I lived my childhood (I travel by car from the borders). The views, the mountains, the fields, the smell of air, ..., etc make you feel you are home. But the people usually make me forget this very quickly.

@prefabsprout: When I find people here try to listen to me, it's better for me than to go to a professional, because I know they do it for no return. It's more genuine if expressed with empathy and understanding.

@Thunder Bow: Different people have different challenges. I know I'm luckier than many in certain aspects, but this doesn't eliminate my own struggles in other aspects of life.

@MickeyCheeky: Thanks.

@bornunderabadsign: I think part of the problem is that I live in a strange land. People may try to get closer to their communities as a gateway to the larger society, but I'm a stranger to that, too. I'm just not good with people, in general. But being in a foreign country makes the isolation feeling stronger.

@Fharraige: To be honest, I don't feel comfortable with the idea of seeing a therapist at the moment. Maybe at some point, but right now I'm not ready.

Mr. Stranger, as I'm sure you know, I relate to quite a bit of your story. Oddly enough, I've felt like a stranger in my own country and region of said country, of which I've always lived. I was convinced that I would be treated badly if I went somewhere with a different subculture, which probably wasn't true.

I was really isolated during my first graduate degree, so I understand what that's like. I was very creative and surprisingly productive during that period, but I also had to be medicated in order to not hurt myself and others (ok, I still hurt myself regardless).

I don't know what the answer is though. Maybe it does have something to do with finding the right place/culture? I have no idea. :-/

Maybe for now following your bliss might help you. You write about the mountains, the fields and air. Maybe there is some place you can go where you are now to tune into that nature?

I did my Master degree in yet another country, but the culture and language were similar to mine. So, I didn't feel as isolated. In my PhD everything was different. The culture, the language, the weather, ... etc.

I've always had problems in concentration, but I didn't suffer from it as I did during my PhD. It was very difficult for me to read articles especially on computers (I'm sensitive to light), to keep going on one problem, be organized, ... etc. I was stressed out that I wouldn't finish. I couldn't handle the stress properly, and I internalized it negatively.

Also the nature of my work after graduation was somewhat depressing. I was sitting in an office alone for 8 hours doing research and reading articles. So, it didn't help my depression to work, but I didn't have the pressure I had during my PhD.

I think I need to change at least the nature of my job. I'm trying to go to the industry because I think it's more stimulating than the academia.

Now it's winter and very cold and snowy where I live. I like the summer here. It's very nice. And I like nature. There are many natural parks and places here. I used to walk in these places, but I felt awkward because I go alone. So, in the summer I am biking more than walking in the city and in nature. I guess it's better than staying home all the time.

Biking sounds good - I am looking to get a bike myself, it's the kind of thing one can do alone and enjoy the surroundings.

There is beauty in winter but it's harder to get places it's true, getting through the winter is a drag. Time to think about the brighter days to come and places to go, to plan.

Do you like animals Mr. Stranger? They can be a source of joy and affection. We can't have pets (husband's allergies) but I like visiting my friend who has a loveable dog.

You seem very smart to do all that. Remember you deserve success. You accomplished much in your studies. Now go out and get what you earned and deserve. Doing what you did in other cultures, and then succeded with it is remarkable. Time to be proud, and be a Warrior for yourself, and just do it!

@prefabsprout: Biking is a good way to keep fit and enjoy the outside. I recommend it. I do it for 4 hours at a time. I like to go to a natural spot I like and sit there for a while listening to the water and to the winds.

For the animals, let's say I don't hate them. I think it's a cultural thing.

@Thunder Bow: I guess so. I'm just trying to bounce back to reap the fruits. I need to do some changes. I think it will be close because I just finished my first and only job position, and looking for something different.

Sending you lots of love and

See, you are doing well already. Many new things await you. Just have courage.