[nyancatnyan]

I have cheated on my boyfriend multiple times. It wasn't a one time thing. I have cheated on him about 8 times total, having kissed several guys, and had sex with 3. If you asked my why I did it I couldn't really say. I can barely even remember the events but I know they happened, I think I block things. I don't know why I am like this, after my friend died the summer before last I became very hypersexual but once I got into a relationship I didn't control it when I started drinking. Whenever I really try to think about it though my mind goes blank because I think I really just don't want to accept I am the person I am.

I guess nobody here knows who I am so I can really disclose this stuff, but I am so shameful and humiliated in myself. As I should be. He found out about these events, I wasn't even the one to tell him. A mutual friend did.

The pain I have caused him, it makes me sick to my stomach. But for some reason he decided to stay with me. He loves me so much, I don't think anyone has loved me as much as him other than my mom. I am suicidal. I know I can never reverse the pain I have caused him and be the girl he deserves.

I don't know what to do. I am flooded with self loathing and his love now hurts because I can't feel like I deserve any of it. And I know that I don't, there is nothing else to it.

What do I do? How do I change when I have already done something so bad. How do I cope or should I just accept this feeling of depression? I feel so desperate, and so drained. I don't know how to lift this weight.

Sorry guys, I am a mess, I know.

[DesolateOne]

In my experience the only way to deal with a cheating situation in a relationship is to cut it open, display it on the table and make sure both parties are completely aware of everything. What I couldn't get passed in my situation was not knowing whether the situation was cleaned out. I always felt like there was something still hidden, I always had to pry for knowledge and my partner was always hesitant about divulging information. I think they thought I was going to be upset about it but the closure is all I wanted. How can you deal with a situation when you aren't even sure you know the full deal? So providing you've come clean to your partner, does he know how you feel about the cheating? Does he know you feel such remorse? Does he know you're suicidal? If he truly loves you unconditionally then he will work through these things with you. He will strive to see you become the better person that he knows you can be, or else he wouldn't be with you. He's with you despite your faults because he can see the better person in you and it truly is up to you to take the reigns on that. He's given you the tools and you need to hone your skills with them.

As for the statement, "Whenever I really try to think about it though my mind goes blank because I think I really just don't want to accept I am the person I am."

Rubbish. People change. You're in control of moving yourself in any certain direction. It starts with decisions and ends with actions.

You don't need to accept this feeling of depression as the way you relationship will be. It will go nowhere if this is the case. The past has passed and if your partner is willing to put it behind him and move forwards then you need to do the same. It would be equally as detrimental if he were to have these feelings as well. You have to accept that you messed up and learn from your mistakes. Don't think of yourself as this horrible person who cheats or you are absolutely bound to do it again. I guarantee it, it is already your mindset, however, if you accept that you made a mistake in your relationship and that you will not make that mistake again and that you are not a cheater then you're pretty well set on the road to rejuvenation. You have to make the conscious decision to keep your hypersexuality in check. You have to accept that you did some bad things, you have to accept that you can move away from making those mistakes, and you have to accept that he has forgiven you.

[Skeezyks]

Hello nyancatnyan: Well... without going into detail here... I will tell you I had some experience with this sort of thing... many years ago now. It still haunts me all these many years later. The first thing I want to say is there aren't any "secret solutions" to this... some cure you haven't heard of. So at least my opinion (for what it's worth) casting about for one is a waste of time & energy. What's done is done. You can't change what you've done. All you can do is move forward & try to do better in the future.

You mentioned this is your bf you cheated on. I don't know how serious a relationship this is, of course... whether you see it as a lifetime relationship or perhaps simply a passing romantic relationship. If it is more of a lifetime type of relationship, then of course what you've done is of more consequence than if your relationship with your bf is more temporary in nature. In that case, it will be easier for you to eventually put this experience into perspective & move on... see it as a "learning experience", as they say.

Assuming that your relationship with your bf is intended to be of the more permanent variety, the answer here really is individual therapy for yourself & perhaps couples counseling for the two of you beyond that. Essentially you're going to need to talk all of this through in depth over a period of time with a skilled therapist so that you can process why you did what you did & how you are now feeling about it.

I know that's not a very novel suggestion. But, as I wrote above, there aren't any secret solutions to this. (At least not that I'm aware of.) It's simply going to take a lot of difficult work... first to find a therapist you feel comfortable working with (not every therapist works well with every client) & then to dig into what has happened & how you feel about it. At least from my perspective, that is the way to finally put this to rest. Otherwise this experience is something that will simply continue to eat at you & may possibly damage or destroy your relationship with your bf. I apologize if this all sounds blunt. But as I wrote above, I've been there.

I see this is your first post here on PC. So... to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! May the time you spend here be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

[ReptileInYourHead]

Hey nyan.
Your post speaks volumes if one reads between the lines.
I'll propose something, obviously it is strictly an opinion.

Your self loathing does not relate to him at all, it was him that you say your actions hurt, but he has forgiven you. Yet you are not soothed.
You say he deserves a better woman, but he seems to disagree.
The reason you cannot accept his forgiveness or his love is closely connected to why you sabotaged the relationship in the first place.
What do you fear about your relationship with him?
When you are with him, do certain situations make you uncomfortable? Anxious? Flighty?

[nyancatnyan]

Hey thanks for your comment! I never really thought about it that way.
I just don't like the idea of turning things back on myself, it feels like I am looking for pity, you know? I don't feel like it is fair to say that these things happened because I don't feel like I deserve love or that I am scared of commitment, because I feel like that is turning it back on me.

But I think you are right and it is something I need to think about to understand why I acted the way I did in order to change and not let it repeat one day.

I have always had a lot of self hate, and not until after I cheated on him did I realize how much I loved him and that is what made everything hurt so much and shocked me. Maybe that is something I need to work on. Thanks for your input.

[nyancatnyan]

Originally Posted by ReptileInYourHead

Hey nyan.
Your post speaks volumes if one reads between the lines.
I'll propose something, obviously it is strictly an opinion.

Your self loathing does not relate to him at all, it was him that you say your actions hurt, but he has forgiven you. Yet you are not soothed.
You say he deserves a better woman, but he seems to disagree.
The reason you cannot accept his forgiveness or his love is closely connected to why you sabotaged the relationship in the first place.
What do you fear about your relationship with him?
When you are with him, do certain situations make you uncomfortable? Anxious? Flighty?

Thank you, this has definitely given me a new perspective to think about and cover. I never really thought about it from this angle. Thank you for your time in commenting here.

[ReptileInYourHead]

Glad to help.