How do you let go of your hatred?

I used to be bullied in High School. Yesterday, I just happen to bump and meet one of the bullies. Heard that he is better person now. Yet, I still possess deep hatred towards them.

How do you clear your mind and stop hating, or at least totally forget about it? It's really hard. Seeing that face make me remember those awful memories. It's like opening an old wound. In fact I quite teared up right now, typing this message.

These kind of memories are hard to erase.. I guess all you can is to just ignore them when you happen to meet them.

I know it's hard..

Bullies are all about control. Remember you are in control now!

Maybe you just need your feelings validated? Were you able to talk to anyone about the bullying when it was happening? You should have had adults in your life who cared and tried to stop it. Maybe you still have that young person inside you with all those unvalidated feelings and unanswered questions..

I was neglected and abused as a child and have found it healing to talk to a therapist who has been 'on my side', telling me what my parents did was wrong and that my feelings are completely understandable and valid and appropriate for what happened. Then the work is letting go of those feelings.. What happened, happened. It's in the past, I can't change it now. All I can do is live my life today and plan for the future - with a clean or at least cleaner slate once I've released those emotions. To me, it's a journey of learning to love myself despite what other people did.

I've been benefiting from some study of Buddhism, particularly the books from Thich Nhat Hanh. He offers some great meditations and breathing exercises. I don't struggle with hate but I do have some very powerful negative emotions. I practice breathing in as I acknowledge the negative emotion, then breathing out as I try to let go of it and calm myself...I picture it disintegrating. It has helped me a great deal in dealing with negative emotions.

Thanks for making this thread. I have the same issue; I have a deep hatred and resentment towards those who have hurt me to such an extreme that I have fascinated about them dying agonizing deaths and me throwing a party over it; I'm that screwed up.

The only thing that helps me cope is focusing on my goals and ambitions. I have dreams of being a successful businessman with the power to change the world and I let that drive me because the thought of being more powerful and important to people than my abusers and everybody who has ever wronged or rejected me makes it all worth it.

Still though, there are some very solid answers here

[quote=not.dead.yet;5586296Were you able to talk to anyone about the bullying when it was happening? You should have had adults in your life who cared and tried to stop it. Maybe you still have that young person inside you with all those unvalidated feelings and unanswered questions..[/quote]

Unfortunately, no. If I tell my parents, they'll blame me for not stand up myself. Teachers were worse, they ignore, one even bully me too.

Thank you for suggestion. I just googled him, turns out there are so many books written by him. Can you tell the titles that you read?

Yep, I ignored him. It was not an awful confrontation. In fact, he was friendly and even greeted me. It was me who rude (only say Hello, can't smile back, don't reply to small chat, and immediately walk away. I can't even maintain the eye contact).

Soon as I home, somehow I remembered again those awful memories.

Exactly. That's what I have been imagining too. I have dreams to become a successful animator and that's what I've been studying. But, at this moment those memories quite bugging me up. I still able to do my routine, in bad mood.

Thunder Bow is right in that people bully others as a way to try to get control. It is also a way to gain attention. Often these individuals are not getting enough attention at home and may have a parent that is bullying them or others and they are showing that in how they behave themselves.

If you think about how you want to see this individual struggle and suffer like you did, well, that is part of what this individual felt and acted out towards anyone he could which is how he attempted to build his own self esteem.

When we are children and experience the wrath of a bully, we don't have this explained to us and often no one makes an attempt to stop it. So, experiencing this can leave one feeling helpless, embarrassed and wondering if they are being picked on because something really is wrong with them. And these individuals did not learn how to be a counter puncher either, but often cowered which gave the bully the upper hand. Fear always gives the bully the upper hand. If you think about it part of what you want is for this individual who bullied you to "fear" you like you felt.

This is what makes all these "hero" type movies and comic books and even video games so popular. If you stop and think about it, most of the hero type figures like superman and batman and many of the other heroes tend to be mild mannered individuals that can change into someone with some kind of super power. And who are they always fighting?
The bully bad guys. Now, think about all the talented artists that had the ability to animate these characters. Think about how Harry Potter became so incredibly popular with not only children but also adults. Was Harry Potter bigger and stronger than everyone else? This author who was at such a low point in her life when she wrote her first Harry Potter book is now extremely wealthy. Did she gain that wealth and attention by doing something bad?

Stephen Spielberg was bullied when he was growing up, he had very few friends and he was also looked down upon because he was Jewish in a neighborhood that was not Jewish. He struggled but used his "hurts" in a creative way and became a highly respected individual that created movies that will always be classics. Stephen Spielberg also struggled when it came to learning too because he has dyslexia.

Not everyone allows themselves to be "ruined" when they experience a challenged childhood. They keep in touch with the "hurts" and inner fears and use it in positive ways.

Ever see the B rated horror movie "The Final"? Thats's what I would do to every bully that I come across if I knew I could get away with it without being caught.

Don't give me that bullies do what they do because of their own problems B.S; it's no excuse and I refuse to have any empathy for them.

If I ever have children and they have a bully making their life a living hell, I will take the bully to an isolated area and beat them in a part of their body where bruises could easily be concealed such as their stomach and attack their pressure points while doing it to maximize the pain and I would tell them if they ever tell anybody I will make their pain so agonizing that they will beg me for death.

All they understand is fear and intimidation. Might makes right in my book.

I did not say you had to have empathy for them. In all the ways individuals have been creative when it comes to dealing with bullies, the bullies are pretty much taken out.

I'm sorry if I seemed overly aggressive with my post I've just had a rough past couple of days and I'm probably taking my frustrations out on people here without meaning to.

i was taught a lovely little recipe for coping with strong emotions, when i acquired a panic disorder. since then i have found it works for many other unwanted emotions, too:

Delay; Defer; Distract. it's all about avoiding validating the emotion until it dies a natural death. after all, emotions are chemical phenomena, and the liver filters them out of the blood stream in just about 15 minutes, if they are not constantly re-triggered and re-enforced.

https://forums.psychcentral.com/copi...-emotions.html

best wishes~

I understand, sorry you have been having some difficult days. I totally understand that as I have experienced that myself.

The name you picked "Darkness is my friend" is interesting. What I have tried to show you though is how darkness can turn into something productive instead of destructive.

Human beings are the most intelligent, yet, we are still animals and have a lot of basic animal instincts that we often don't understand. Anger and hatred are emotions that is "very" recruit-able too. Defend and destroy have always been a part of human nature. And so much of what humans have created has been used in both of these areas, one to defend and the other to destroy.

You do have a point.

I guess I am not enlightened enough as of yet to see past my own pain and negative emotions.

I bow out of this thread.

You know what the most "hopeful" word in this entire statement is? That one little three letter word Darkness, yet.

Thanks, I'll try it.

Thank you. I'll try it.

I think you right about the bolted line. I guess, probably I want them to fear me, or at least apologize. I was weak at time and they made me think that I was the one who wrong and worthless. Lucky for me I moved for another school, which more kind, welcoming, and make me realize that it was not my fault.

I totally aware that I should be moving on, and not let my awful past ruined my present self. I just still have not figure the way to, how to do it. That's why I create this thread.

I am now 50 and so the years since school have mellowed out. I am still triggered though by negative memories.

I turn to some of my CBT though which has helped greatly with my self-worth and ability to focus on the positive. I also ask myself how thinking negatively about the memories is at all advantageous to me. I simply remind myself that I've moved on to better things and that I am a better person for it.

I feel like time does tend to heal things… it doesn't make it easier just a bit more bareable…

You could confront him the next time you run into him. "You know, you made my school years a living hell with your bullying." He might acknowledge and apologize. He might den and further insult you. But you might feel better.

I've confronted people. Not sorry I did.

Forgiveness has worked the best to ameliorate the anger, resentment and bitterness that has negatively influenced my life and made it so much more difficult than it has to be.

Wow, I thought this thread has been buried down.

Thank you for all of the comments, supports, and suggestions. I have feel much better than that day.