[BlueCrustacean]

Sometimes I really don't enjoy the experience of looking for mental health and support online, because some people's responses can be quite un-compassionate and only open up deeper personal wounds... but I don't see my therapist again for 4 weeks because I was doing better and we're trying to space out visits. So, here we go again. If you'd like to respond, all I ask is that you try not to judge or insult my character too much. I already suffer enough with self hatred and taking criticisms personally as it is. And now after that disclaimer, here's my issue:

On another forum, I posted this experience:

"I’m so miserable and angry right now, and writing this out to share it to whoever will listen (read) is the only thing I feel like will help me right now.

I was sitting at a coffeeshop this evening for open mic night, enjoying the performers and musicians, when the second to last act was a magician doing card tricks. He asked for a volunteer, describing them as a “pretty girl next to a cool guy next to the wall… also with light blonde hair” and I knew he was referring to me. I was a little mad about being put on the spot and asked to do something, but I appreciated the compliment. Rarely do I ever get compliments on my appearance, but that may also be because I never get out much.

Anyway, he asked me to pick a card, which I did. The king of clubs. He shuffled the deck many times, asked another guy to pick a card, shuffled again, etc. Then he asked everyone to make sure he wasn’t “palming” a card anywhere, and had a guy nearby check his palms, arms etc. They had a comedic banter where the guy did a TSA like search all around his body. Finally, the magician looks at me, says he has my card, and unzips his pants. My heart sank and I looked away, off and on. He reaches his hand in and rummages around for several seconds, then pulls out the king of clubs. I confirm that it’s the card. The act is over, and people clap.

Previous to that, I was enjoying myself and having a good time, but after that one incident, I couldn’t think of anything else and felt incredibly angry and miserable. Since it’s not a recurring thing like a workplace I have to go to, there’s not much online help I can look at, only things I can look for to distract myself and forget about the whole thing. I never want to see that guy again, but I did want to go back to the coffee shop next week and play something. Now, I’m not so sure I even want to go back to the venue. I hate that this happened, and that I didn’t say anything about it to my friend next to me. Nobody knows how this affected me. To some people it may not seem like a big deal, but to me it’s really ruined my mood. Hopefully now that I’ve gotten it off my chest I can be happy again."

And I got some various, slow responses. The first couple were very much on my side and supported how I felt, but then I got this response:

"i think the reason no one in the audience responded negatively is because this is not sexual harassment. I might even go so far as to suggest that it was a bit selfish/entitled of you to have responded this way to a light hearted piece of magician comedy. If he had say, asked you to get the card from his pants, made some lewd comment to you etc, that would be a different story, but nothing you described constitutes sexual harassment in any way.

That you felt so bad about it speaks more to yourself than anything else. I’m sorry you let this upset you so much, I hope you can work through whatever issues you have which let events like this upset you so much. In two r cent tiny Buddha articles might be helpful for you, ‘How to Stop Playing the Blame Game’ and ‘7 crucial steps to minimize drama in your life’ paying particular attention to step one, which it seems you could use help with (like many of us).

i wish you well! Hopefully you can overcome letting complete non-issues such as this upset you so much and move on to a happy, healthy life."

This response enraged me so beyond hysterically and I can't stop thinking about it. Not only was I blamed for feeling the way I feel by this person, but I was ATTACKED as being a selfish and entitled person. I replied back, but so far no response. I can't take it anymore, so I had to post here.

I'm trying to discover why this response affects me so much. I get very triggered by people who say I shouldn't feel uncomfortable about a certain situation, when I so clearly do. I don't feel safe when somebody tells me that. I do admit that I am hyper-triggered by uncomfortable sexual feelings, even when it comes to the sound of drops and running water. I used to hear my dad pee REALLY loudly, and I felt like I was forced to think about his genitals and wonder why it was so loud, so now I can't listen to any running water sounds and not feel triggered.

Also, I forgot to mention on this post or to my therapist that this magician also looked like my dad a fair bit. Perhaps there's a pattern here. I was never sexually abused, so I don't know why I'm so triggered. I'm just hyper-sensitive.

It seems there are three things about her response that bother me the most:
1) That I don't have a right to feel uncomfortable
2) I should stop being a "victim" (aka "your feelings aren't valid and I won't help you")
3) I'm a selfish, entitled, bad person

That last part is especially hurtful, shocking and out of line to me, and just adds insult to injury. I can't handle criticism very well, especially when it comes to my morals and character. How do I deal with somebody else's opinion without letting it torture me every single moment of the day and night, when I'm alone with my thoughts? Why am I barely able to even function because of somebody's online comment?

[mc2ed]

I am sorry someone used Buddha to hit you over the head........someone standing outside of compassion and using it for a weapon....that would make me quite upset too......We all feel within our own experiences....I used to long ago...enjoy the sarcastic humor of a comedian...I saw on television...then I saw him live at a show.....I was completely disgusted with his vulgarity...there wasn't humor in it for me....I sat in a crowd of hundreds who were laughing...and I was repulsed....that was it for me....I no longer had any wish to listen to the man speak....and that is okay....

Just an opinion....I think the magician set you up in a way....he looked for a pretty girl...smoothed you over with words....fluffing you a bit with them....and then he used the vulgar for humor....he set the stage for you to relax....I don't know the rules for sexual harassment....yet I know that it is okay for any woman anywhere to find her own measure for what is acceptable behavior for her....the man used your femininity as part of his joke.....to further the laugh.....he did it without your awareness...so it was without your permission.....notice...he didn't look for a good looking man...to share...the digging around in his pants.....it was on purpose....you have every right to not enjoy or wish to be an unwitting participant in his manipulation......though....I would recommend never getting on stage with any person...doing an act....it is okay to SAY NO....I have done it a few times.....they are going to use you.....that is why they are asking....I for one am not really agreeable to being USED for anything....certainly not at my expense in front of a crowd....

I think....too bad when he showed you the card....you couldn't have just held your nose and shook your head....I never think of those kinds of things until too late....

[unaluna]

I would have complained to the venue management. Its an open mic night. Ive NEVER seen a magicians act like that. That is just trashy. People should be warned that the act is rated x. You should have gotten your entrance fee back, and your drinks paid for.

I'm enraged for you. The person who wrote that to you? They were on a high horse, looking to make someone feel bad, and probably don't even see it that way. In other words, they have issues. Mega issues darling.

I would feel very weird about the magician too. It sounds like he was trying to be funny and he totally wasn't. I wonder if maybe you froze, and just weren't able to show your true feelings. That can happen to all of us sometimes. Also there's nothing wrong with being hyper sensitive. It just means certain things bother you more than others, but it doesn't make you wrong or crazy. Other people probably thought the joke was tasteless too. I do.

[Sunflower123]

I hope the responses here helped you feel a little bit better. The magician was way out of line and so was the person who attacked you. I'm sorry you had two such terrible experiences and hope you can eventually process this and move on so it no longer causes you discomfort. Best wishes.

[Molinit]

Well I guess it goes to show that there are all different kinds of perceptions in the world.

I read the description of the act about 5 times and I don't see anything inappropriate for a comedic magician.

[mc2ed]

Originally Posted by Molinit

Well I guess it goes to show that there are all different kinds of perceptions in the world.

I read the description of the act about 5 times and I don't see anything inappropriate for a comedic magician.

We were talking about why it may have triggered her...not you.....everyone IS different......and everyone DOES experience the world differently...mostly in context from their own environment of experiences....

Compassion could be universal too.....yet it isn't....some people have no way to relate to it....or that path is not open....I have family that thinks it is okay for people to go hungry......probably because they have never been hungry....though I think they could imagine it.....no figuring that out for me...either....

Wow that is lousy trashy behaviour from the 'magician' - no wonder you felt as you did.

You don't need to excuse your reaction to anyone - it is your feelings. The people who responded negatively towards you are certainly lacking in compassion but the internet can do that, sometimes people become 'keyboard warriors'.

I think if you feel able to raise a concern with the venue then you should.

There was a spate of awful abuse cases here in the UK going back to the 1960s/70s/80s and beyond concerning several high profile people in the entertainment industry - they used their positions in order to abuse children/young women. It took many years to come to court/public knowledge but it turned out many people in the industry knew but did not say anything. My point is if we feel uneasy and something does not feel 'right' then we should not brush it off.

[Agent Misty]

well thats the internet for you. Some people will validate you, some will try to help you see things from a different perspective politely, some will just outright insult your feelings. It sucks. I try to read what it is people need from others that brought them to make a post. Obviously you dont really need advice on how to not think the guy was raunchy. you are needing support and someone to tell you it is okay to feel uncomfortable with what happened, and I gaurentee you it is ok to feel very put off by something like that.

[Onward2wards]

I feel an urge to "have a little chat" with people who would give you such a completely brainless, useless response.

[avlady]

My brother in law is so scared of clowns which to me is funny.I mean the fact that he is a 50 year old man and afraid of a clown. I just figure maybe one embarrassed him in public as a child or even sexual abuse by one. I had pictures of clowns in my home and i removed them for his sake.

[Artchic528]

I'm sorry the magician triggered you. It's times like this that one needs to implement self care the most. I understand that while it was triggering for you, he probably had no idea it could be perceived that way. Hence why it was part of the act.

However, I don't see it as an X-Rated show. Maybe PG-13, as he did use lewd, adultish type humor in his act via unzipping his pants and rummaging around inside of them. Perhaps you should make a list of things to do when you find that something like that magician's act are hyper triggering for you. Things that work well for you. I'd also consider not going to that particular establishment now because you know a potential act like that might happen in the future.

[healingme4me]

I'm lost as to where in your post, the person got the sexual harassment part.
You wrote that unlike a workplace, this isn't a place you are required to return to.

I think it is great that in your other replies on pc, you are tapping into things to talk about with your therapist.

Of course you were angry, you were out for an evening and became a sexualized object.

About the response from wherever else that was, sometimes others have their own agendas and biases.

If the other place was about wellness, maybe she was tough loving you from a perspective of not wanting to see you become as she imagined(care of internet) as displayed by book choices? Dunno.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Honestly - though what the magician did is probably within his realm of "rights" to do - that doesn't make it "right" to do it...and it was not right. The person that said those things to you - I don't know if they were hurting themselves, perhaps angry or triggered, I don't know "why" they said what they did. Maybe the person is generally a good person, and had a bad day. Then again, maybd the person is just trolling the forums. No matter what the reason though - you did not deserve to be spoken to that way. Forums such as these are for support. If someone is unable to give that to the poster, they simply should not respond. You have every right to any and all emotions you ever feel and you never need to apologize for them. What the magician did was not something many people would appreciate. Something someone taught me a few years ago: i get to choose what it is i want to do, think, believe, and feel - nobody has the right to demand i change it. That's true for all of us. ❤

[BlueCrustacean]

Thank you guys so much for all the supportive, positive comments. Even the ones who disagree with how I felt and think it wasn't a big deal, I appreciate that you didn't attack or invalidate me for it. We all feel how we feel.

Interestingly enough, that was the only post this person made on that forum. Nothing else on their profile. Before she had responded, I already contacted the magician directly on social media and told him how I felt, and he apologized genuinely and took it very seriously, and promised not to do anything like that again. He said his comedy is usually pretty PG. So I think that issue was resolved fairly well.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by BlueCrustacean

Thank you guys so much for all the supportive, positive comments. Even the ones who disagree with how I felt and think it wasn't a big deal, I appreciate that you didn't attack or invalidate me for it. We all feel how we feel.

Interestingly enough, that was the only post this person made on that forum. Nothing else on their profile. Before she had responded, I already contacted the magician directly on social media and told him how I felt, and he apologized genuinely and took it very seriously, and promised not to do anything like that again. He said his comedy is usually pretty PG. So I think that issue was resolved fairly well.

Sounds like you handled it very well and got positive feedback (from the source that mattered - the magician) for it. I wouldn't worry too much about the girl who responded like I said could be she was having a bad day or was just a troll in the forums .. either way, you have a right to your emotions.
❤

[Ljj7000]

Originally Posted by BlueCrustacean

This response enraged me so beyond hysterically and I can't stop thinking about it. Not only was I blamed for feeling the way I feel by this person, but I was ATTACKED as being a selfish and entitled person. I replied back, but so far no response. I can't take it anymore, so I had to post here.

It seems there are three things about her response that bother me the most:
1) That I don't have a right to feel uncomfortable
2) I should stop being a "victim" (aka "your feelings aren't valid and I won't help you")
3) I'm a selfish, entitled, bad person

That last part is especially hurtful, shocking and out of line to me, and just adds insult to injury. I can't handle criticism very well, especially when it comes to my morals and character. How do I deal with somebody else's opinion without letting it torture me every single moment of the day and night, when I'm alone with my thoughts? Why am I barely able to even function because of somebody's online comment?

I'm so sorry to read this. I have read several things on the internet that have triggered me so hard. It is normal to deal with anger. I'm angry a lot. I don't think you were wrong to feel the way that you felt. You went to an event and wanted to be left alone. You are not entitled or selfish at all. You don't have to do anything that you don't want to do.

I think you should try to not let this person's response affect you so much. This person probably had no compassion for you because she couldn't relate to you.

I can relate to you very much.

One time, I responded to a post on Reddit. This post was asking something along the lines of, "how have you been?". I responded to the post. I wrote about my mild case of autism. I wrote that I was feeling bad because I felt alienated because of my autistic problem. They gave me a response. They said some things that made me angry. I was so angry at this response.

So it is normal to feel triggered by things you read on the internet.