I think that I'm done with this site for awhile.

It is clear that my time isn't of benefit here. This site has been causing me more harm than good as of late. It is clear that people here don't understand somebody like me and all of the hell that I'm going through.

People and especially women, trigger the hell out of me. I can't deal with all of the feelings that come out when I am dealing with people. I can't handle being rejected, judged, or told off. The negative emotions that I feel when people are like this to me are so overwhelming that I can't cope without lashing out at people. I have an extremely fragile ego and I don't know how to help myself. Even handling criticism is hard for me and it is a struggle for me to hold my composure in a professional setting when somebody criticizes me. Doing so with people on a personal level is borderline impossible for me.

When I talk about my business ventures and everything and I claim that succeeding and making a lot of money is the only way that I will attract people; that claim isn't being made just because I have some ill conceived notion that I would be better than other people, nor am I thinking less about women because I have a desire to use money to attract one. I am like this simply because I don't see it being possible for me to repair my fragile ego. As such, I crave power to hide behind. That way, if people reject or judge me, I can hide behind my money, fame, or whatever to protect myself from the pain.

So yeah, if I stay here, all I will do at this point is hurt myself further because I am triggered by people here telling me how I need to change or whatever. What do you guys know? Do any of you know how much I hurt? Does anybody know what it's like to never be taught how to survive as an adult? To be locked up against your will by a controlling mother crying yourself to sleep every night? No? Than what gives you guys the right to judge me? I'm the one hurting. I'm the one who is lonely. I'm the victim. I don't know how to change. I can't just get to a therapist when I am so freaking busy with my schedule since I'm gone 11-13 hours every day and I don't have a license yet because my mother was useless in that regard too. Even if I could make it to therapy, I can't face all of these painful feelings that I keep bottled up. I know that you have to face your problems and negative feelings to change, but I can't right now without risking losing everything that I worked hard for up to this point. People don't understand that I can't go through the work and struggle to do this all on my own. I don't think I should have to either when it is my mother, the mental health system, and society that made me this way.

So I think I am going to do the one thing I should have done all along. I am going to avoid dealing with people like the plague for all non professional purposes until I succeed in my online business that I'm launching next week. I need to keep my head on straight for me to have the greatest chance of success and I need to be ready to do anything necessary to succeed, even if I have to sink to a new low to do so. Once I am successful and am able to make good money, I could perhaps then, try to devote more resources to healing. Until then, I have no energy to spare.

It is clear that no human being will ever love me or sate the emptiness inside of me. All this site does now is brings me more needless pain. If I'm not triggered by somebody liking another person's post over mine or hugging them instead of me, I am triggered by seeing people talk about their happy relationships and how good their life is going when I'm utterly miserable or telling me how I'm wrong and need to change when I don't know how. People here don't understand me here and I don't know how to communicate my feelings about this further because that is another thing my mother failed to teach me how to do.

So yeah, as it stands, I'm taking an indefinite break from PC. I can't handle the pain that other people bring me anymore.

I'm very sorry to hear this, and I am sad that you've had a painful experience here and that you are hurting. But DO what you need to do and take care of yourself. You know exactly what you need to do, so do just that.... no qualms about it. Your mental health comes first and if this site is making you feel worse, by all means.... just take care of yourself, but I am sad to see you go. Many many big hugs and best wishes to you in your endeavors!!! (where's the hugs icon as I am writing this????)

[ArcheM]

For what it's worth, our brief interaction has been inspiring and interesting, even if I'm too useless to derive any tangible benefit from it.

Originally Posted by ArcheM

For what it's worth, our brief interaction has been inspiring and interesting.

I want to second that!

Originally Posted by golden_eve

I want to second that!

I'm not leaving for good. I'm just taking a break. I've done this a couple of times in the past and I'm doing this again.

I just need to get my head on straight for my upcoming business launch. Right now, I feel like I am too emotionally unstable and combative towards other members and I feel like I'm spending too much time on here as it is when I have to manage so much in such little time.

Who knows, when I finish my apartment move and get these buses out of my schedule to save myself 3-5 hours a day, I will feel better. Maybe the buses and my busy schedule are what are doing this to me IDK.

I will be back later on. I probably won't be gone for more than 2-4 weeks.

Originally Posted by DarknessIsMyFriend

I'm not leaving for good. I'm just taking a break. I've done this a couple of times in the past and I'm doing this again.

I just need to get my head on straight for my upcoming business launch. Right now, I feel like I am too emotionally unstable and combative towards other members and I feel like I'm spending too much time on here as it is when I have to manage so much in such little time.

Who knows, when I finish my apartment move and get these buses out of my schedule to save myself 3-5 hours a day, I will feel better. Maybe the buses and my busy schedule are what are doing this to me IDK.

I will be back later on. I probably won't be gone for more than 2-4 weeks.

It's really great that you recognize when you need a break. I wish you all the best with your business launch, and I do hope to see you again down the road!!! Take good care now.... (now I can add the hugs icons!)

[Sunflower123]

I'm sorry to see you go but I understand you need to take a break. Please take care of yourself and you're welcome back at anytime. You have had a period of growth here lately. Kudos on that. I hope to converse with you when you return. Take care.

[Artchic528]

Good Luck Darkness!! Take care!

[winter loneliness]

Advice from me- take it or leave it.

You are triggered? Good. This is something that you need to work on for your mental health.
You want to leave? Do the opposite. Stay. Stay and deal with it. You don't need to post. Just read and think.

Growth comes from pain. If it hurts, it means you need to work on this.

[reb569]

Best of luck Darkness with school, your move, your business. I look forward to your return when you are ready.

[FooZe]

Best of luck, Darkness! Come back when you feel ready to.

For anyone who may wonder: although "Goodbye, I'm leaving" threads aren't allowed, "I'm taking a break" threads are fine with us.

[MickeyCheeky]

Hope this break will benefit you, Darkness

I don't respond as much as I would like to your threads, DIMF, although I would like to. I'm just too crazy right now. But I always read your posts and hug whenever I can. Your pain makes me feel strange. I wish I lived closer to you and could teach you to drive or mentor your business efforts or buy you pizza for your birthday. You write so eloquently and your pain is so visceral and raw. You've achieved such a lot. I'm glad you will take a break and I wish you all the best while you do all the stuff you've been planning. But I look forward to you coming back too. Take care of yourself!

Well I don't know what happened but I hope you come back. I always find your posts on point and interesting. But sometimes you just have to withdraw for a little. I stopped talking with a group of friends this winter because I just felt like they weren't helping me really grow and it was holding me back. I invested the time in financial investing and I it definitely was a good thing.

Originally Posted by winter loneliness

Advice from me- take it or leave it.

You are triggered? Good. This is something that you need to work on for your mental health.
You want to leave? Do the opposite. Stay. Stay and deal with it. You don't need to post. Just read and think.

Growth comes from pain. If it hurts, it means you need to work on this.

How much pain am I supposed to endure though before I get to a point where I'm not so miserable though? Why should I have to work harder just to try to "heal" when the load that I'm already taking on is so damn overwhelming for me?

How much is one person supposed to take? Why should I be the one struggling when it isn't my fault that I became the way that I am?

I'm back for now but honestly, life has been so overwhelming for me lately that I don't see a point in even living in this dark and lonely world anymore.

[BlueCrustacean]

Originally Posted by DarknessIsMyFriend

How much pain am I supposed to endure though before I get to a point where I'm not so miserable though? Why should I have to work harder just to try to "heal" when the load that I'm already taking on is so damn overwhelming for me?

How much is one person supposed to take? Why should I be the one struggling when it isn't my fault that I became the way that I am?

I'm back for now but honestly, life has been so overwhelming for me lately that I don't see a point in even living in this dark and lonely world anymore.

I don't know if you've tried a therapist yet, but therapy is hugely helpful. A good therapist will help you develop the mental and emotional tools you need to work on "facing the pain" without burning yourself out. I took CBT therapy for several months, and honestly it's the best decision I've ever made for my mental health. For now, whatever you do, go easy on yourself.

Originally Posted by BlueCrustacean

I don't know if you've tried a therapist yet, but therapy is hugely helpful. A good therapist will help you develop the mental and emotional tools you need to work on "facing the pain" without burning yourself out. I took CBT therapy for several months, and honestly it's the best decision I've ever made for my mental health. For now, whatever you do, go easy on yourself.

I want to try therapy but right now I don't have the time nor the means to make it to a therapist.

Right now, I go to school, work, and deal with buses. I am gone so long during the day; often times over 12 hours. I don't have the means to get to a therapist right now.

I tried a student therapist at my college but I can't get her to give me an actual treatment plan so I go there to vent and get advice on my school related issues.

[winter loneliness]

If it is important, you can make the time. One hour a week.

Originally Posted by winter loneliness

If it is important, you can make the time. One hour a week plus 2-3 hours per week on transportation.

Fixt

Seriously though, you try being gone for 12 hours a day and then talk about how I can simply "make" the time.

I would rather just play video games with my spare time at this point because at least immersing myself in fantasy worlds makes me happy unlike having to deal with this stupid world.

[winter loneliness]

Originally Posted by DarknessIsMyFriend

Fixt

Seriously though, you try being gone for 12 hours a day and then talk about how I can simply "make" the time.

I would rather just play video games with my spare time at this point because at least immersing myself in fantasy worlds makes me happy unlike having to deal with this stupid world.

I know. It is hard. Are you in college? If so, maybe you can start at winter break.

BTW, I am sorry about your stepdad.

[lowpoint]

Wow, best post I've read in this site.

No hugs though, I hate them.

[lowpoint]

Build your business. It will pay off.