intimacy with a married man. devastated.

Last summer, I met with a man a lot older than me (he was 53, I was 18). He found me on a dating app I'm considering to use again but he's partially the reason I deleted it. Spoke to him for about a week via a messaging app and all seemed okay. Kind, caring, understanding.

Anyway, we go on the date and it's all good. He can tell I'm nervous and made it a little easier. Very easy going man. At the end of the date, though, he made a move on me and it got intimate. We didn't go all the way but we did something you wouldn't do with someone besides your partner. Afterwards, we talked about our past relationships; have I ever been with a girl, have I ever had a boyfriend. I asked him if he'd ever been with a woman and he tells me he's been married twice! I didn't think anything of it considering he was on a dating app for gay men so I assume they were in the past.

On my way home, he texts me and I ask again about the marriage just to be sure - it turns out, he's STILL married and he has three daughters. I ask him why he didn't tell me, he says "because you wouldn't have met with me" I ask why he cheated on his wife for gay men, he says "because I need to get away from a house full of girls"

I'm not at fault and I definitely do not blame myself. He lied to me.

What I'm struggling to cope with is the sadness I feel for his wife and their three daughters - they're probably oblivious to him hooking up with gay men a lot younger than him. What's worse is how I'M on the list of those men. I feel awful.

I cannot tell my therapist about this. She's married and I don't want her to mistake me for a homewrecker thus developing a bias.

I know you're concerned with how your therapist might react, but I have a feeling she'll agree completely with the above. The guy deliberately withheld information from you for his own benefit. You never would have gotten involved had you known he was still married, which means you are NOT a homewrecker. (That term is usually reserved for those who stay involved with married people and don't care about the detrimental effects to that person's marriage/family. Which is still misplaced blame IMHO because the person doing the cheating is the one actually wrecking their own home. But I digress.) And if your therapist insists on labeling you that way nonetheless, that suggests she's already too biased and short-sighted to be of much help to you anyway.

I'm sorry you had to deal with that lying jerk.

Thank you so much for this supportive response, Persephone518. Not in a million years would I even consider involving myself with a married man in this way. That app is PLAGUED with married men, many of whom were upfront about their marital status (eventually, after interrogation by me). All of whom I chose not to meet.

I really want to talk to my therapist about all this but it feels awkward talking about anything sexual, for me. And honestly, I'm kinda scared. She's really understanding, almost always, so I'll see what I can go about opening up to her. Praying it'll go alright.

Good luck with your therapist, if she is worth her salt she will take this in her stride. Her job is absolutely not to judge you but to help equip you with the skills you need to live a happier life.

Not that there was anything you could have done in this scenario, he was the one with the knowledge he chose not to share until later. By all means feel sorry for his family but you are not responsible for his behaviour.

The only thing I can think to suggest to you is keeping a good emotional distance until you know for sure the true background of the person you met.

If your therapist will judge you then I'd say she isn't a really good therapist. As for coping, just remember that it wasn't your fault this happened, and that you can't really do anything about it. And of course, avoid contacting him in the future

Thank you for understanding. If my anxiety proves too much for me to feel comfortable opening up to her about this, it isn't the end of the world, I guess - these posts have solidified my initial belief that I haven't done anything wrong so I'm extremely appreciative for the response

Of course, naturally, I do feel sad for the wife and the three daughters. Instantly, after telling me, I said I couldn't see him again which he understood. I didn't have a go at him or anything. It would have been pointless and not my place to order him to tell his wife - after all, I don't even know them. It's certainly a learning curve when it comes down to dating apps and meeting random people.

Thank you, MickeyCheeky, for the supportive response this was last summer before I deleted the apps we used to communicate so it's perfectly alright - absolutely no contact with him. He told me everything, I said I couldn't meet with him again and he perfectly understood. It's his fault for lying to me. I never would have met him knowing he's a married man.

I wasn't going to hunt down the wives social media or something so that I could tell her about it as I don't think that's my place... though it did come across my mind. I'm just going to keep telling myself it wasn't my fault but hope it somehow doesn't destroy his family. I hope it doesn't as I really wouldn't want that to happen.

Oh jeez, Eclair. It is so not your fault. Like the others are saying, I don't believe that your therapist will hold this against you. You are clearly more concerned about doing the right thing, and being honest and fair. You've done absolutely nothing wrong.

Yes it's definitely not your place to inform the family or convince this man to tell his family. Your only responsibility is to not be complicit (which you weren't knowingly so) and to take care of yourself. What he is doing will likely impact on his family in some way at some point, but that is his doing.

It sounds like you have a healthy response, to treat this as a learning curve.

Thank you so much for understanding, Bjornen. I really appreciate it. I'm gonna go ahead and share this with my therapist next session. I now feel a little more confident she won't respond negatively... just for that extra professional reassurance, you know?? A positive response, I imagine, will also help me trust her a little more when it comes to similar issues like this one.

prefabsprout, that's really, really reassuring. At the time, I believe one of the few people I told implied that I tell her - I didn't, thank goodness. And I certainly never will, not that it would be possible to do so anyway. I truly am so sorry for his family, I really, really am. Thank you for understanding, you've been wonderful. The support here has made me feel less guilty but I'll definitely see what my therapist has to say now that I feel a lot more confident opening up about all this.

Thank you, everyone.

I very much doubt that she will mistake you for a homewrecker.