Emotions around loneliness.

My main emotions today center around being alone all the time and I am lonely.Sometime I feel like I am disappearing without company,which I know stems from when I was a toddler and I was left all alone in the house without any adult or my sibling,back then it felt like I ceased to exist when that happened and I was very afraid.So even now at 53 years old being alone a lot reawakens that trauma and hurts so much.

I see people when I go to the cinema and to the pub and cafe but only have superficial conversations...I long to meet people to make friends with and connect with.

Next month I signed up to go for a meal with meet up club it is a women's group aiming to make new friends and connect.I am nervous cos meeting new people in new situations triggers my PTSD symptoms but I am going to risk this because I can no longer bear to be alone.I am meant to be having CBT I have been on the waiting list for that and I need to phone up and find out why they haven't contacted me yet.

The other day something happened that made me feel lonelier than ever.I was in Starbucks having a coffee and eating a sandwich when this weird wimpy really skinny guy with greasy hair came up to me and pretended we'd met before,I said no we haven't met,he said,you are welcome to join me,I said no thanks.He let me eat my sandwich,then came back and said can I join you,I said no again because ok I am not shallow to go by appearances but I do need to feel an attraction and to be honest I found him revolting.He then started saying Jesus is the way Jesus loves you and you need him whatever your issues are turn to him he will solve them,I thanked him but declined his advances.I felt so lonely then and felt why do I attract such weirdos cos I need friends and I attract this,there isn't me giving out needy and desperate vibes,only kind and caring ones, and so that is what I attract so weirdo looking to start up a religious cult.....it depressed me.

It made me question myself and I blamed it on my weight if I lost weight and became more attractive maybe I'd have people flock to me,people that had quality and substance about them and intelligence rather than weirdos that see me as easy.It hurts me that I am seen as a soft touch and leads me to isolate myself more.

I'm sorry you had this disturbing experience. I don't really have anything to offer here other than that I've read several of your posts recently & I know how lonely you're feeling. I'm 69 myself & live a pretty-much thoroughly reclusive lifestyle at this point. Thankfully though I am married. So I do at least have one person in my life. I hope your meal with the women's group goes well. It sounds as though that could, perhaps, be a good new source of companionship for you. Good luck with CBT too!

I think you handled the intrusion very appropriately. Sounds like you were firm, but not cruel. This guy was looking to glom on to you for attention. It would have been all about him . . . not about you. I used to feel sorry for characters like that and try to be friendly and nice and offer some respite from their obvious loneliness. I know what it is to be lonely, and I felt that lonely people deserve lots of compassion. Over the years I attracted a number of lonely souls. I found that most of these folks will suck the life out of you. I still feel compassion for their plight and I try to give some attention in a controlled way, but my open door policy to all the lonely souls around me has been rescinded. My life is better for it.

I used to get phone calls that went on for hours and knocks on the door at all hours. Some lonely souls are lonely because they offer nothing in return. Some are pure hounds for attention. They probably can't help how they are, but I can't make that my problem. I learned how near to predatory some of these people are. They can be very smart about sizing up someone who is alone and might give them an opening. Don't take that as a reflection on your worth.

It can be hard to find congenial people to socialize with. Going to the "meet up" activity is a good way to try. Structured activities help. I haven't found that chatting with random people I run into in public leads to much more than just that. I hope you enjoy the meal, and give the meet up club a chance.

I completely understand how you feel. I feel the same way

It is OK to be kind and gracious...but also to be protective. I am a single woman and when I am out, like having coffee, or just carrying packages in the parking lot, etc., there will be the oddball weirdo who comes up and tries to start conversation. I now have a rule that I don't talk to strangers (especially male) who come up to me in public. In your situation that is just what I would have said to that person. I use my intuition and I don't talk to people who creep me out. If someone continued to talk to me when I made it clear I wanted them to leave me alone I would get up and notify the management. I now have no problems "not being nice" and ignoring someone. The truth is... coffee houses like Starbucks and fast food joints attract a lot of lonely, weird people, I am sorry to say this but it is my observation.

It may not be your weight that is the problem, but that you feel invested in acting "nice" even when you are feeling bothered by someone. I used to be approached more when I carried an "open" attitude. Now I go out with a psychological protective bubble around me and I am not bothered much by weirdos and it actually makes life more pleasant. I avoid coffee places that I know are kind of like watering holes for weirdos. I select places that are a bit more upscale. Starbucks used to be a favorite but now I avoid it completely.

It may help to set up psychologically healthy barriers. I feel that when I am out I deserve to feel safe and at peace. Just because I am a woman out alone doesn't give others the right to see me as approachable. I certainly don't want strange men coming up to my table and talking to me! I wanted to share so that hopefully you might feel less alone in this. Also, when I was young and single I was constantly approached in public. I worked out and was very buff, dressed fashionably, and looked pretty good. So then the attention from men felt sexist. It was tiring to get attention and inappropriate remarks from strange men and wolf whistles from them, too! The truth is that women of all ages and sizes are bothered when in public. It's not fair. We need to fight back!

Going to the meetup dinner sounds like an excellent suggestion...or even joining an exercise or walking group. You are going in the right direction. The CBT group also sounds excellent. These are all great ideas. Good luck.

PS The opposite of unwanted attention is that I also get positive attention when out. People always make sure to open the door for me which I find very sweet. One time it must have appeared I was struggling with my grocery bags because a young girl came up and asked me if I needed any help. I didn't, but it felt good that she noticed. I think it is important to dress nicely and be well-groomed as these indicate to others that one is healthy, and confident.

Yes,thanks for your contribution Dechan,it is true I feel bad for saying No to that creep as if I owe it to him not to reject him but who is to say what his real motives were and if I would have been used....I feel terrible that I thought of his feelings first before mine..

When I was younger and better looking I got a lot of attention that was as you say sexist and it was awful..I felt like an object..I was hated by some women for being pretty to the extent that a complete stranger said if she saw me on the street she would stick a knife in me..I was serving behind a counter in a shop at the time...also back then some men thought you were asking for sex if you just spoke said hello and were friendly.It was hard to connect with women cos they were jealous and men cos they were purely interested in sex.Men frightened me for this reason and I was insecure sexually myself too...I had only experienced angry men in my past and of course when I turned down their advances these men got angry.

Now days it seems I am carrying this guilt of saying No,cos it makes people angry.That is massive cos as women we are taught that No is where our power lies.I should say No when I want to and not feel obliged to deliver whatever goods some creep asks of me.I can't believe how I felt guilty protecting my own space.

I must say though this is not a typical experience for me I have met some wonderful,kind friendly people on my way around,who smile say hello offer compliments without having an agenda and offer help like opening doors etc

I need to make more effort to meet people that may become friends and I have been reluctant to do so because as I say it triggers my PTSD symptoms...hopefully I will b informed by the CBT people about one to one therapy soon.

We need to preserve and protect our niceness.

We need to save space for the great friends who are in our future just waiting to meet us!

I hope your women's group goes well and you make new friends

As well as the women's group I am starting a weight management group every Monday evening for the next eight weeks,my doctor referred me,so I have the opportunity to meet people there too.So I will meet new people and be helped to lose weight.I am feeling optimistic and happy about things and how they are going.Next step to sort the one to one CBT therapy,they said they should have contacted me last November,I keep trying to get hold of them but their number is through the switchboard to a very busy doctor's surgery which is nearly always engage when I try to get through.I'll have to keep trying.

Sounds rough what you're going through but, it looks like you may be on your way to finding a solution to it with this women's group and exercising with a weight management group. As for being lonely I've been there more than once and I know how hard it can be to aproach people and also to not want to be bothered by those who don't seem to be your type. I hope that things get better for you.

Well done on dealing with that guy appropriately (things like that freak me out too) and I hope you find some friends or at least acquaintances through your new groups. Even just being among people may help you feel less alone and we are always here for you too.

Thanks to everyone for their support...I am feeling much more optimistic and am sure I will make friends soon.I have enough going on to keep me busy anyhow!

I understand the difficulty in the conflict between loneliness and finding the right people to connect with.
But have you thought of trying to connect with people who seem wrong and see whatever happens?

I have been obese to anorexic underweight. I have always had terrible time meeting people and making friends no matter my weight and attractiveness level. Learning to handle social situations and painful, scary practicing is the only way i was ever to make any friends.

I am sorry that the lie of attractiveness equals likability and happiness is sold in our culture. But it is a lie. There are plenty of isolated, unhappy, lonely people considered beautiful by society. There are also many people who are comfortable in their own skin whatever their weight who have friends and peace in their lives.

I hope you can find some measure of peace where you are and reach out to others.

DW

I am sorry that the experience triggered certain things... wel... may be it is good thing that you are dealing with these emotions.
I can relate. I have recently starting getting to know the feeling of loneliness. I have been single for over a decade; I have been living away from my family and friends since I was 15. Now, I am 40 years old. And, recently, I have been severely suffering from being lonely which is a feeling that i am not used to.
I have been working on developing friendships, which has been helpful. But friends are not permanent. they move away...
Sometimes I get really scared to continue navigating life all by myself. I think it has something to do with getting older.

I don't agree, if I feel no connection and I am repulsed by the person and my gut instincts are warning me this person is no good,you are saying ignore that and invite the person in?What **** are you on?No I am not doing that!!!The fact is I don't want to connect with the wrong people cos what will happen is it will be a disaster and I will be used and abused,had that making sure it never happens again!