Just read something rather upsetting on the internet. I don’t feel like a real person because I struggle to remember my childhood. The outcome, though, has been disastrous. I think I did something wrong, abusive. Truly a terrible child. I just want to kill myself. I don’t know what to do. How can I atone for it? I can’t remember much of anything. Every now and then I feel extremely angry towards my parents, who I did not treat well. I feel justified in how bad I was during childhood, because of xyz. but then I remember that everything was great. The only bad thing was me. I’m a bad person. It’s a nightmare, I didn’t handle the stresses of my childhood well and look what happened. I have no idea why I have gotten so bad. Unable to have relationships or stop being depressed and a bad person. From the time I was a child, I was cursed and shunned. My parents didn’t discipline me enough. I showed them no respect. I’ve lost everything because I could not be disciplined, because Im bad. Even now I’m a problem, causing people much grief. I think everything has gone wrong. My life is a ruin, I have no past, I don’t feel real. I don’t know what the hell happened.

Originally Posted by emptynightmare

Just read something rather upsetting on the internet. I don’t feel like a real person because I struggle to remember my childhood. The outcome, though, has been disastrous. I think I did something wrong, abusive. Truly a terrible child. I just want to kill myself. I don’t know what to do. How can I atone for it? I can’t remember much of anything. Every now and then I feel extremely angry towards my parents, who I did not treat well. I feel justified in how bad I was during childhood, because of xyz. but then I remember that everything was great. The only bad thing was me. I’m a bad person. It’s a nightmare, I didn’t handle the stresses of my childhood well and look what happened. I have no idea why I have gotten so bad. Unable to have relationships or stop being depressed and a bad person. From the time I was a child, I was cursed and shunned. My parents didn’t discipline me enough. I showed them no respect. I’ve lost everything because I could not be disciplined, because Im bad. Even now I’m a problem, causing people much grief. I think everything has gone wrong. My life is a ruin, I have no past, I don’t feel real. I don’t know what the hell happened.

Children are rarely truly terrible--you should never have been made to feel that way. It makes me want to cry and hug you that you feel bad about it. Sometimes we don't respect adults just because we want to have fun and feel free. You can still learn to be self disciplined--I truly believe this!!!!

Maybe it is not anyone person's fault that you don't remember your childhood. I was a hyperactive child that can think of some times I got into trouble but I think it was helpful for me that my dad would chuckle about it/still make me feel loved. Lots of parents (don't want to characterize your parents--don't know them) do the best we can but still did some things badly!! I hope you can figure out how to pick up the pieces and move on.....

[FinallyAlive]

I'm really sorry to see your suffering emptynightmare.

I also remember very little of my childhood because it was too painful, and I'm guessing a lot of dissociation took place so that I wasn't really there and the memories are not available. This however, does not make us any less real, in fact I would argue the opposite is the case, because under all this shame and guilt is the real you waiting to be discovered!

Obviously I have no idea about what you did, but your feeling/thought of 'I am bad' is very common. This is usually a consequence of what has happened to you rather than anything you actually did. A child will often internalise these things into 'it's all my fault....I did something wrong....I must BE wrong!' This can lead to a tremendous load of shame and guilt to carry through life.

If you're angry at your parents, it's probably because things happened to you even if you do not know what. You don't make these feelings up - they are there for a reason.

My father never chuckled. He was rather intimidating and always angry for whatever reason. Everything is confusing now. I have never had fun. But yes I’m sure they tried a little. He was a good provider at least. My mother is a sweet woman. It’s just confusing because I blocked everything out and now I have no idea how I got this way.

Like, I never actually misbehaved. I was just not good enough and I wasn’t able to deal with things so I cut my father out of my life when I was 11. What kid does that?

I mean, it's fine. We all get along fine. I'm just confused and upset, but there's no point in dwelling.

[MickeyCheeky]

Do you already see a therapist? I believe there's actually a term when this kind of stuff happens (when you forget your childhood) but I don't know what it is.

[LittleEarthquakes]

I relate with you. I feel that way about things that I did. Though I sometimes have told myself that I was a terrible child, I honestly believe there is no such thing as a terrible child.

[stahrgeyzer]

I've read that most people find it difficult to remember events prior to 2 - 4 years of age. It's called childhood amnesia. It's very common. You can't blame yourself for your childhood behavior. It's not that uncommon for children to be a handful. My nephew was a nightmare. A typical example is if he saw a stranger he would kick them in the chin. Now, honestly he's the nicest person I know. He's now in his late 20s.

[Frankbtl]

Hi emptynightmare

I am sorry you're finding things so hard, and to me, it does sound like you're being incredibly tough on yourself as well which must make things even harder for you
The picture you're relating of what you do remember of your childhood really doesn't state that you were bad to me, and maybe if someone else were to relate the same experience to you, you wouldn't agree that they were just bad either??
Some of the things you remember like being shunned and cursed, not being guided with enough boundaries, having your father being intimidating and angry for no reason.......that all sounds real tough when you're growing up (even if you were an adult at the time it would be tough.........but growing up.....!!). Personally, I'd say that you deserve compassion not self-critisism from what you went through/from what you felt at that time
And I am so sorry you had to go through that and feel that way, but from what you have said I can't believe you were bad
And maybe why you've blocked some things out is because the feelings linked with them were too difficult to manage?? Kind of a form of self-preservation??
Now, only you can decide whether you want to try to unblock some memories (maybe with a therapist??) or not, for some people that can help with healing processes, for some it can be bad.........but you do have the future here on in which could be different with some support including maybe working on your perspective of yourself, your self-esteem, the depression...........I know that may sound much easier said than done..........but there can be a better future out there...........and I say that you're worth fighting for!!!!



Alison

[Bill3]

When parents mistreat children or are overly critical of them, the children blame themselves. Who else can they blame? It is too scary, and too hard, for a child to believe that there is something wrong with their parents. And when the pain is too much, children forget what actually happened.

(((((emptynightmare)))))

[stahrgeyzer]

You feel like a bad person because you can't remember you childhood??? Maybe talk to a therapist about that one.