Being a Failure

When I say old, I don't mean old in age, but old to start my life. Comparing myself with others my age gives me this feeling because the people I know are already half way their retirement with good and stable jobs, while I am still struggling to start because I went to graduate school (a huge mistake ).

I think people tend to believe what they see on social media. I don't think I am alone in this. Psychologists now talk about the negative effects of social media on people's mental health and lives. I deleted my Facebook account. It's better for my health.

I am trying to help others here when/if I can, but I prefer not to take responsibilities that I may not fulfill.

For very different reasons, I am also starting my life while others are halfway through their retirement - I am 48. PM me if you want to show your LinkedIn profile for suggestions on how to improve it.

Regular volunteering would be something to put on the LinkedIn profile and something to organize your day. Can you reach out to your public library and see what volunteering options they have? Ours pairs people with illiterate folks to teach them to read. The adult school does that, too. I think you would enjoy it.

Hello again @Background Noise

I hope that you've been able to take some weight off through use of this thread. I think you are on the right track with already reducing contact with your abusive family members. If you think that it is possible to reason with your folks on where they have gone wrong in your childhood and set bounds with them, then I support your cause. But if they don't heed your advice, then I think it would be safe to cut the ties once and for all. Any way you slice it though, I think you are doing a great job searching for answers to your life's curveballs. I commend you for being honest about what has brought you here so we can help you. Keep up the good work!

And once again, good job for eliminating social media from your life. You are correct for today's society being easily shaped by how many likes they get or by pushing the envelope of what is suitable.

As you mentioned in one of my recent posts "Addressing the World's Bias Toward Extroversion", we don't have to go through life alone. But on the flip side, I think its totally ok for you to balance out time between social life and "me" time. Of course it's dangerous to spend so much time to the point where it leads you to emotional instability but there's no limit on how long you can process in your own thoughts and words what has happened in your life so far, instead of being surrounded by more people who might push you further down a hole.

To encourage you there are plenty of articles I have found about the tremendous success of "late bloomers"! You are not alone!

As you can see, I have a package of issues to deal with. First, I need to process my emotions regarding past abuse and know how to deal with my father's criticism, second, I need to learn how to connect with people and manage my anxiety so that I won't be be alone all the time and make personal relationships, and third I need to find a job to survive and to do some meaningful. I am trying to tackle them all at the same time, which makes it difficult.

For example, I feel down most of the time because I am alone, but sometimes I feel positive, so I start preparing applications and apply for jobs, only to receive rejection letters telling me basically that other applicants are better than me, which brings me down again, and re-enforces my social isolation because I feel like a failure.

Finding a job is crucial for me to feel confident again, because I need to feel independent and contributing, but to find a job I need to be confident on how I write my resume and talk and present myself when interviewed. It's like a cycle with no beginning and no end.

WORDS are powerful. I don't think anyone is a failure.....some of the things we have done have failed (everybody fails at something). I think it helps to change our thought process. What we believe about ourselves.....we become......I had to start my life all over again inmy late 60's---divorce after 31 years of abuse. I used my life story and won a scholarship and started school at 60, and am a Sophomore at 72! It isn't too late to start again.

I've grown to think that the best solution to feeling worthless is not giving a damn.

The way I see it is that society's definition of success is overrated. Most people that push so hard to be successful are either overworked or unhappy. Being forced to do work you don't enjoy just to climb up the corporate ladder or becoming wealthy doing work you absolutely hate isn't successful.

If anything, I would argue that my uncle, who is in his 50s, yet doesn't have a college degree and spends his days smoking pot and playing computer games most of the time is more successful than somebody who has climbed their way up the corporate ladder to become a wealthy corporate executive. Why? Because my uncle is free and happy and enjoying life. My uncle lives cheaply and only works when he needs the money. His attitude is that he is going to spend what money he has doing stuff that makes him happy because when he's dead, money is meaningless to him. Whereas that corporate executive would have to sacrifice spending time with his family or doing things he enjoys to attain that position. He would be sacrificing time he could spend doing what he enjoys in life that he can never get back becoming wealthy and powerful. Unless being successful makes you HAPPY, there is no point. Focus on what makes you happy and not what society tells you to do. That's my suggestion.


Then again, what do I know? I'm not "successful" by any means. I'm 27 and never had a full time job ever in my life and I don't have a college degree at all. I don't even have a driver's license and I'm just now learning how to drive. I became a community college almost 2 years ago, yet it's going to end up taking me almost 4 years to complete my my Associate's degree all because my mental health makes balancing full time classes and a job.

I understand what you are going through, and I see how difficult it is to still be dealing with people who claim to be your loved ones but aren't afraid to ditch you. Feel free to talk on this thread as long as you would like to, especially if it helps build your confidence.

There is no room in your life for that kind of criticism. If it is safe to assert your boundaries with your father, that is the perfect place to start with asserting yourself to the front. I don't know exactly how reporting abuse works, but if its still possible to report a childhood of abuse, or if things get physical, you have every right to report to the authorities also.

Relationships, as is the case with both of us, is no easy feat. I'm not big into advice for "social skills", because it sounds like something that only the elite can possess, doesn't it? What I have discovered in life is that the process of friendships is a gradual process, so give yourself time to become more comfortable with yourself and not force yourself to be someone else because everybody else is social, chatty, and so on.

I can relate to your situation with difficulty finding jobs, because it's taking me several tries and even my best friends 2 years out of college just now have been able to get stable jobs. You are also not alone in this struggle! And it's also important to know that just because you say/think/feel something negative, it doesn't mean its true. What is true is that everyone has strengths and talents that can be useful. You are no exception. Even though you don't feel like it, this is a given. Even if you don't have that job yet, it's ok! It's ok not to have everything together yet.

I agree that happiness is not measured by titles and money, and society defines success in narrow (financial) terms. I am not a luxurious person, and lead a simple life financially. I don't like eating in restaurants, and I don't buy clothes all the time. Yet, I like to feel secure financially. These days, I am always worried that I will end up on the streets, or I'd have to do low skill jobs that I don't like and would consume my time and energy with little returns. Corporate jobs are not perfect, but they are the safest way to feel secure financially and to have benefits. Besides, although I don't think about it actively now, I would like to be ready when a romantic relationship appears as an option.

it IS a terribly difficult situation and a vicious circle, because feeling down makes you lose out during the job search! Even during phone screens you need confidence and poise.

I think all of us desire solid financial stability, and also being accepted by others. I'm sure even the highest paid celebrities have planned far out because of these desires also. In a similar way to how Darkness puts it, success isn't defined just by some superficial hierarchy or money; it's finding something that makes you happy and utilizes your strengths. But I trust that you are striving to do your best and not just settle and with your ability to do so I have full faith in you!

I may not be in the best position for romance due to my insecurities around women and previous rejections that have drained me (just see my old threads!) but from what I've learned since being on PC is that romantic relationships aren't always guaranteed to make someone's life easier (or sometimes happier), but if you believe that love will make the ultimate cherry on top of life's cake, then by golly do it! There will always be someone, romantic or not who will discover your positive qualities and admire you for those.

I totally agree. But who does have the luxury of doing something he/she likes and make living out of it? If you asked anyone what makes you happy, most likely the answer wouldn't be "my work". People can have side interests and activities that make them feel happy. Relationships and family can make people happy. But if you don't have financial security, it can be a major source of stress and affects all aspects of your life. Unfortunately, money is important after all. This is how the system works.

I am not looking for any relationships right now, and I don't see them as the solution to my problems. I am not ready emotionally and financially, and as I mentioned earlier I have even given up on the idea because I am inept socially with some negative views of life, but you will never know what the future hides for you.

Living expenses can be cut down though so the amount of money that you need to be "financially secure" is lower.

Here's a few methods I can think of:

Move somewhere with low cost of living. I live somewhere where you can get a 600+ square ft apartment for under $600 per month. You could live comfortably with pretty much any full time job if you have cheap rent and you keep your living expenses low, which shouldn't be hard if you're single and don't have a family to support.

Get a tiny house. Like seriously there are people who get these awesome tiny homes, manufactured homes, or even homes made out of recycled shipping containers. You could get something like that for under $30,000. You could save up the money living cheaply or you could get something like a home improvement loan. If you get a tiny house, guess what? No overpriced mortgages. You could live rent free and only pay for smaller utilities like internet, phone, insurance, and maybe electric if you don't opt for solar power. Heck, some tiny houses can even be put on wheels so you could take things a step further and not pay property tax either since you can pack the house up and drive away.

Third option would be to live in either an RV or van. Doing so might not be ideal but you could save money up and not have to pay rent. There are even communities built around doing crazy stuff to their vans to make them more livable. People have fridges, toilets, TVs, computers, and even internet access in their vans. You can get all that for under 10 grand if you are knowledgeable about DIY work and buy the van used.

I plan on eventually getting a tiny house myself just so I don't have to work full time. Becoming a slave to the system isn't my thing.

But it's not about covering current expenses only. What about the future? Don't you need to save money for the days when you are older or sick and not being able to work? If someone can find a way to make money constantly and save for the future and for crises and unexpected expenses outside the corporate world, that's awesome. If I found that path, I would pursue it

I suppose that's where me and you differ.

I live in the moment. I see no point in going out of my way to plan for more than 5-10 years ahead when there is no guarantee I'll be alive that long. I'm motivated by pure pleasure and instant gratification. I even made my own algorithm of sorts to calculate pleasure vs pain and I won't even waste my time on anything unless the "negative" or potential for "pain" is vastly lower than the pleasure I stand to gain off that specific task.


Yes, it would be awesome to live a long, happy life. No, I don't wish to die, neither now, nor ever. At the time, however, if I die I die nothing can be done other than enjoying the time I have to it's fullest. You can't enjoy the present if you're worried about the future.

Quote:

Originally Posted by DarknessIsMyFriend I suppose that's where me and you differ. I live in the moment. I see no point in going out of my way to plan for more than 5-10 years ahead when there is no guarantee I'll be alive that long. I'm motivated by pure pleasure and instant gratification. I even made my own algorithm of sorts to calculate pleasure vs pain and I won't even waste my time on anything unless the "negative" or potential for "pain" is vastly lower than the pleasure I stand to gain off that specific task. Yes, it would be awesome to live a long, happy life. No, I don't wish to die, neither now, nor ever. At the time, however, if I die I die nothing can be done other than enjoying the time I have to it's fullest. You can't enjoy the present if you're worried about the future.

I see what you are saying. If one guarantees that he/she could live each day of his/her life to the fullest without needing anything, that's good.

I am not sure how we ended discussing this, because I am actually not thinking about my future right now. I guess I was talking about my expectation to find a job that matches my qualifications after spending years getting degrees and spending tens of thousands of dollars. I am invested. This what makes me feel depressed and like a failure. I haven't reaped the fruits of my education and effort, while others who invested less time and money are doing better

Please read on the sunk cost fallacy.

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Originally Posted by AspiringAuthor Please read on the sunk cost fallacy.

Interesting. I watched a brief video about it on Big Think. I wonder why you mentioned it, though! I already have my credentials, and looking for a job. Where is the sunk cost fallacy here? Is it in not throwing my credentials and try something else?

No! But you are thinking about past investments and not a future stream of income, income here meaning broadly what can bring you enjoyment. Because you are thinking of the past investment which is supposed to bear fruit, you are foregoing opportunities to feel better by taking what might be a satisfying volunteer position that will help you feel a sense of direction and purpose.

Remember that you're not a failure, Background Noise! You're a wonderful person. Sending many hugs to you

Quote:

Originally Posted by AspiringAuthor No! But you are thinking about past investments and not a future stream of income, income here meaning broadly what can bring you enjoyment. Because you are thinking of the past investment which is supposed to bear fruit, you are foregoing opportunities to feel better by taking what might be a satisfying volunteer position that will help you feel a sense of direction and purpose.

I see what you are saying. I need to do something else to lift my spirit. I feel very defeated lately that I haven't even applied for jobs in the last month, even when I saw an opportunity, because I know no one would bother with my applications. Sometimes I spend hours preparing applications, only to receive rejection letters and sometimes no reply at all. I feel it's a waste of time. I feel very depressed to do anything. I need some positive energy to keep going.

Part of me not doing anything useful, I watch TV shows and movies all day long, and in one show today someone said something very true. He said "in life you don't get what you deserve, but what you fight for". I lack this trait. I don't fight for myself. I retreat all the time. I need to learn how to be a warrior, not in the physical sense, but in my mind and actions. To be resilient. To keep fighting, and keep standing up whenever I am knocked down by life and others.

Here where my previous abuse comes into play. I was programmed in the idea that I am no good. I've become afraid of failing and being criticized that I don't even try, and I quit very quickly at the first setback if I try. I know I need to do something about it, but I am struggling so much.

So embarrassing to be like this at this age; to be very weak, which makes me feel weaker and more depressed. Everything in my life is depressing. Not a single thing is uplifting. Everything pours into this dark and deep lake of depression.

LinkedIn's research shows that employers pay attention to volunteering, so your best bet now might be volunteering.

I think I don't enjoy the field I have chosen, and my reason to go to grad school was not the right one. I wanted to study computer science, but my father wanted me to be an "engineer". I actually almost dropped out of graduate school after 4 years in, because I couldn't handle the struggle and the negative emotions. I was alone and lonely in a foreign country. My whole world view has changed in that period. I have become resentful. Isolated. Negative. Very sensitive (i.e., fragile). Unmotivated. Angry. I wasn't like this before. Now I am worse than ever. The years take me steps back not forward. Now I am teaching myself programming. I have returned to the point where I was 15 years ago. But why I keep writing about this. It only makes me feel worse.

Did your father want you to become an engineer as in "civil or electrical engineer" as opposed to "software or hardware engineer"?