Don't know what this is

Recently I've been thinking I may have a "victim mentality" so I started reading up on that. Now I'm not so sure. That seems to be more about holding on to something in the past and using it as an excuse to get attention, pity, sympathy etc, when you should have let go of it.

Well there's definitely some attention seeking in what I feel but it's about the present not the past, and it's not pity I'm looking for. It's about current situations and problems I have, and I think what I'm trying to get from people is "help" of some sort. I've always been ashamed to ask for help so I never do it. But this "attention seeking" seems to be a round-about way of asking for help. But what it gives off is a whingey "victim mentality" that drives people away.

Sometimes I make up pointless excuses for things.

For example, the current obsession: I want this thing but there are reasons I can't have it. But there's part of me that thinks "maybe I can if I knew more". But I can't figure this out by myself, and I'm too scared (?) to ask for help from people who might know. So what do I do? I whinge and complain that I can't have one, giving the reasons why, but then for some reason I have to make up other excuses too, which aren't really true. They are mostly someones opinion that I've assumed everyone thinks like that, and therefore it must be true.

So I'll complain, and I assume I'm hoping this person will "help" me or at least point me in the right direction to try to get one. But what really happens is that they ignore me or just go "oh well". And I can see why. I'm being totally annoying. I know this because I see it in other people, and if someone was whinging like that to me, I wouldn't be sure what they were wanting anyway.

I think I need to read more on it but I'm not sure if its "victim mentality " or something else similar. There is a bit of victimising but it seems to be mostly something else, as it doesn't fit exactly into what these articles say.

So now I'm wondering what this is and how to stop. I have been journalling and wrote about some things that I've blown out of proportion that aren't true and I'm trying to get rid of them from my mind. Telling myself I won't say those things. There are valid reasons for not being able to do things, I don't need to make anything else up. If I'm going to talk about it, then mention only those real things (and don't whinge).

I just really want to get rid of this because it's so negative and not getting me anywhere. It feels like a heavy weight I'm carrying around for no reason and I want to be free of it. But it's hard when I'm not sure what it is.