People Pleasing

I’m struggling with people pleasing. I’m working with my counselor to really put a stop to this behavior.

Do you find that speaking up or speaking your opinion causes you to lose friends or creates conflict with coworkers?

I used to be very quite spoken. I’m still mostly pretty quiet but I do speak up. Lately I’ve been feeling really vulnerable and uncomfortable and I honestly don’t want to say much of anything to anybody. I just don’t like the discomfort and tension that comes when people dislike your personality or the things you say or believe in.

Lilymop,
I definitely have that problem, everytime I open my mouth with people it gets me into trouble whether they say so or not I get these feelings like I shouldn't say anything, but that cant be right either.

I think its healthy to speak up for yourself, it shows your own accountability and where you stand, I do believe the right people will find you no need to make others comfortable and neglect what you may feel is right or correct.

People don't have to like it but accept that there are others that may feel or think differently and I need to accept that as well. Sometimes their angle or view will help me better shape my own even if they disagree with some parts of me.

Feel better I think your on the right track.

I like what you wrote here: No need to make others comfortable. That’s a key phrase for me to keep in mind when I’m feeling uncomfortable that my own opinions or wants or needs or whatnot bothered someone else.

Thank you.

People pleasing is usually the result of not setting or keeping boundaries.

@LilyMop, I understand how you feel. It's a double edged sword with people, and especially at work. If you DON'T speak up and stand up for yourself at work, then you get taken advantage of, stepped on, overlooked and/or abused. So in order to protect one's own self respect , self esteem and self worth in the face of disrespect, one must stand up for oneself, draw boundaries and push back at work sometimes.

The flip side of standing up for oneself at work is that you can be viewed as a troublemaker. Some people even get fired for standing up for themselves and for what they believe to be "right". I had a friend who stood up and protested against racist remarks made towards another co-worker, and guess what? He was fired from his job.

So that's the risk one takes. Personally, I would rather risk it, deal with the discomfort and consequences of potential conflict or fallout than allow someone to cross my boundaries, abuse me, take advantage of me, or disrespect me in any way.

I speak up at work fairly frequently about people crossing my boundaries and/or lines of respect. And I have kept my job. In the end, I don't care if the higher ups view me as a troublemaker for speaking up. I am the #1 top performer on my team. So I do not allow disrespect to go unnoticed and unacknowledged. And I draw strict boundaries. Sure, I know that some people gripe about me behind my back, but do I really care? NO. I don't. I am very good at my job, I work very hard at it, and I am proud of my work. That's the most important thing to me -- that I produce high quality work- NOT what these people actually think of me, who would not be my friend outside of work as it is.

And in friendships or interpersonal relationships, it's even more important I think to stand up for yourself. And if people don't like it? Then they prefer to cross your boundaries and do not like the fact that you're demanding respect. So who needs that kind of friend? True friends respect, value and appreciate one another, which is what love entails too. If people frequently disregard your boundaries and by saying something, it causes tension? They're not worthy of your friendship, in my opinion.

I think overall, it's very important to stand up for oneself with people who disrespect you. How can we have any self respect if we don't? When it slips on by, then the disrespectful behavior is being allowed. Eventually, allowing such behavior erodes at one's self esteem and one is more so viewed as a pushover or a doormat. Personally, I am no doormat and I'd rather be disliked than disrespected.

So.... perhaps don't get caught up in people pleasing. Perhaps think of this as a self respect issue.

We all have to look out for #1, and there's some seriously crummy people in this world who need to be kept in check or else they'll walk all over you. Who needs that?

You do have to speak up when someone is violating your boundaries. However, there are times when it is best to keep quiet. Say they are having a political discussion at work and you disagree with most people. If you speak up, it won't change their minds and will cause unnecessary conflict. I am one who speaks my mind too often and unnecessarily, so I've learned that.

Maybe it's not what you're saying but how? Try and look back at different scenarios and see if you could have worded things a little differently.

Do you have a close person or two you can ask? Tell them you're looking for constructive feedback about your communication style. Hopefully they'll be honest with you.

To add to my previous reply, I think I am now at an age where I don't care anymore what people think of me, therefore, I've let go of my prior need to always make everyone around me happy or pleased with me. And I agree with @sarahsweets above, that people pleasing is a sign of not setting boundaries. And not setting boundaries leads to allowing people to disrespect you. Setting and keeping strong boundaries is a sign of self esteem and self respect. I used to have poor boundaries myself and was always a people pleaser. Now my boundaries are stronger and I don’t feel the need to people please anymore.

I’m definitely learning to live with the discomfort of speaking up. It’s something I have pushed myself to do lately. I think once you start doing it, even though it still doesn’t feel good it’s better than how you feel as a doormat.

This is a very good point. Yes, I have been told on occasion that it’s not what I said... but the way I said it. I’m glad you brought this up.

Yes this is very true. I’m seeing that sometimes the best way to watch out for myself is to not say very much at all in some situations. Many situations actually.

I have the same problem myself. I have codependency.

I also wonder if it's not so much what you're saying as how, that creates conflict. Also some people just are a pita, there can be no compromising with them ..