A Mention Of An Ex-Friend

I had a very good friend from college, which was a little more than 40 years ago. We kept in touch for a few years after I graduated; and then some time later, I had moved to an area where he was.

Some time later that friend got married. Just after he got married, he told me flat-out that since he got married, he didn't want me to contact him anymore. So it all ended just like that. That was 35 years ago.

I have this one other friend from college, and he was friends with my ex-friend. He's still is in contact with him. There are times when my friend mentions something about my ex-friend to me. I get upset whenever I hear his name. I have told my friend many times in the past that I never want to hear about my ex-friend. He still does it! He did it today even!

I have a local friend now who is much older than me. I talk about it with him and he says that I'm being silly. I don't think that I am. I feel like when my college friend mentions my ex-friend, it's like opening up an old wound. Am I over reacting about this? Is anyone else having to deal with this?

I can totally get where you're coming from. Did he ever tell you why he no longer wanted your friendship? It sounds a bit harsh, especially if he didn't give you an explanation.

I understand why your friend is bringing him up in conversation if they're still good buddies. I bet it's unintentional and is just caught up in a story.. and maybe because he's a "taboo" conversation, subconsciously, he may feel compelled to bring him up anyway. Or maybe he just doesn't understand the hype since this guy wasn't your ex who (say) abused you in some way.

Is there a way to get closure to this ex friend? Did you have feelings for him beyond friendship?

Your current friend needs to be a little more sensitive to your feelings since it really bothers you that much.. or he runs the risk of you avoiding contact with him because of this guy.

I think you also need to do some healing so you don't run the risk of losing this friend, either.

Absolutely not! This is normal to feel this way. Your friend should have respected your wishes. I ended my friendship with someone in high school because i couldn't get alone with her boyfriend who is now her fiance.

To set a small record straight, my ex friend lives in the same area as I do. We have never bumped in to each other because the area is heavily populated and spread out. It's a surprise that we never bumped in to each other. My friend lives 3000 miles away. My friend and the ex friend do not correspond to each other that much.

My ex friend told me that, since he got married, it wouldn't be comfortable with him and his wife having a single guy tagging along. I was surprised because, before they got married, we got along great. I thought that his wife liked me a lot. Yet the strange thing that happened was that, when my friend came to visit me a couple of months after my ex friend got married, my ex friend wanted to take my friend out to places with his wife and didn't want me to come along. That happened about 35 years ago.

You asked if I had feelings for him beyond a friendship. I never had any kind of "feelings" (sexual attractions) for him. Though he one time confessed to me that he had attractions to other guys. Other people had suspected that he could have been gay.

As far as having "closure", I felt like I had. It's very difficult to have total closure when being hurt and then, while over it, someone has to bring it up.

I guess my friend has some kind of autism. He seems like he's a slow learner and very often speaks before he thinks. I remembered in my college days that a lot of people got mad at him because of stuff he would say. Like I said before, I have told him many times that I don't want to hear about my ex friend but he still doesn't get it. He does that with other people also.

You feelings are very normal.

I’m facing the same situation with a sister who recently became estranged. Our mother didn’t do one thing to help, and every time I talk to Mom she brings up this sister. When I asked her to stop, and told her how it hurts me, she said “too bad!”

So now I let her talk and don’t respond until she is forced to change the subject. I’ll just say “uh huh” and don’t feed the topic.

I didn't realize you were a male. Sorry.

Is it possible your ex friend was sexually attracted to you? Either his wife knew about his interest in men and felt uncomfortable with you hanging around, or she didn't know about it and you were a distraction to him. Pure speculation, here.

I do find it odd he can't hang out with his 'guy buddy' without his wife. Interesting.

As for your current friend, you don't have to have ASD to be socially oblivious and akward. Having said that, I guess you'll have to make a choice.. end this friendship, knowing his potential "Autism" is the root cause.. or let it go with the understanding that your friend is unintentionally hurting you due to the suspected label.

Why does this ex friend bother you so much? It was such a long time ago. He expressed it would be "uncomfortable" for them.. he didn't question your character or anything else.

It's possible that my ex friend could have been attracted to me, but I personally doubt it. Another theory someone had was that his wife may have preferred me over him. In my speculation, after many years of analyzing, is that he probably didn't want me around because I would say things that would be upsetting. We did disagree a lot, especially just before he got married.

I thought that I went to far in thinking about my friend having autism. I think that it's still possible that he may have some form of it. I agree that those who were never diagnosed with autism can do the same thing. I still value his friendship a lot. He's a great guy. It's just mentioning my ex friend seems to be the only fault he has. And that can be remedied.

I guess the part that upset me the most is that my ex friend said that he didn't want me around because I was single. But yet he would spend some time with others who were single. So it appeared to be a lie to me. Also I had been doing fine forgetting about him altogether, even shortly after we had split up. But then my friend has to talk about my ex friend; so it brings back "triggers" for me. Other people I have spoken to about this have all said that my friend should have known better not to mention the ex after I had repeatedly told him I never want to hear about him.

You know, the recollection of your ex-friend has been painful for quite a long time indeed.

I wonder what you might think of seeing a therapist so as to discuss and dissolve the effects of these recollections.

I called my friend today to wish him a Happy Birthday. I was worried that I had not received a message from him for a while. I thought that he could be upset with me. In my reply message to him a few days ago, I said that I nearly threw up hearing about my ex friend. My friend was not upset with me. He apologized for mentioning him. We laughed the whole thing off. So I'm relieved now.

Hugs