[TishaBuv]

I have to walk away from them and keep my mouth shut, avoiding confrontation. I’ve explained myself, asking for what I need. It shouldn’t even need to be asked for. It should be easy to give. But it’s not being given. I don’t deserve it. I don’t evoke the feelings of love and empathy in them that I believe I am acting in a way that would warrant those feelings. I am confused why coldness prevails. The more I crave this love, the more it eludes me.

It breaks my heart and the sad and angry emotions surge through me. But, with the meds and having made up my mind to be healthy, I retreat to my room and do not engage...so no drama. If I say anything more, it will only make mattes worse.

[bpcyclist]

Is this recent?

I hate that I have so many triggers

I hate that when people are around me, they have to be super careful with how they interact with me (and what they do, and don't say)

really limits my experiences sometimes, and scares others off a lot easier than say if I only had a few

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by bpcyclist

Is this recent?

The recent part is I am now smart enough to shut up and walk away. But my mood drops and I go an pout by myself like a child. At least a med stopped the crying hysterically like I had before. But the same feelings are there and the mood is affected.

I don’t have many triggers. I have identified what they are. It is that my husband is emotionally and sexually neglectful. This has been happening the whole marriage, over 25 years. I have been trying to teach him to act like he has some passion and empathy. He’s trying, but it’s ridiculously awkward. I think anyone would have become triggered to hysteria and a mood disorder, like I have.

The theme of ‘loving people who are unloving’ continues. This is the trigger. It was only my husband before fairly recently.

But I see it was also a lifelong friend who is a friend no longer since she provoked me and then blew me off, even lying about me, spreading malicious gossip— some lifelong bff So, that was a ‘loving, but unloving’ person. Although, I never cried or angered over her, so she wasn’t quite a trigger. I did engage in that toxic dance with her for my whole life until two years ago when it ended.

Then my FOO turned on me, treating me cruelly over something completely stupid. My mother, one sister, niece (her daughter) slandered and vilified me behind my back without even giving me the opportunity to be part of the conversation. Something small happened that got blown up into something huge. Again, ‘loving, but not loving’. Instead of talking to me and putting something very minor to rest (that would have been love), it was a blow off. As a result, I tried to involve my other sister to help, and she turned on me. No words were exchanged except I asked for an apology for how rudely she blew me off and she refused saying she cares nothing for me. We haven’t spoken for two years. She went to my son’s wedding when WE didn’t because of how we were treated and she was the only family member who did besides our other son who was the best man who we gave our blessing.

Which brings me to our son... also two years ago, did a complete turn around from being the best, loving son where I thought we had a great relationship to completely blowing us off when he got married. We were treated with such dishonor we did not attend his wedding, and there’s really no relationship since, nearly a year later. I am convinced it was his wife who got him to drive us off. I am coping with the loss as though he has died. I am having a very hard time with this betrayal. I can’t imagine a worse knife to the heart than my own flesh and blood who I thought loved me, but didn’t at all.

And now my youngest son is a strained relationship. He acts aloof, doesn’t like us. We are so nice and giving as parents and have never uttered one harsh word. Why is the love lacking? He watched us reeling from his brother’s treatment during the wedding disaster and he never once voiced sympathy toward us. Rather, he was annoyed. He stays in his room and doesn’t interact with us much. I need to just parent with only one year left of his high school. I take care of his needs, but mostly let him take care of his own as he is 18 and goes to college next year. I just need to not get into it with him by not bringing up his brother again. There’s a middle son who has been perfectly nice and loving to all of us, and the oldest and youngest haven’t been the same back to him either. And we’re not playing favorites, here, we never did. I’ve loved them all equally. My whole family fell apart. I am still in my dysfunctional marriage and doing everything with meds and docs and cooperation and communication with my husband to make it functional and I need to not get into it with the rest of my family anymore. Maybe I can talk myself into believing nothing is wrong. I need to diffuse the sensitivity over the ‘loving but not loving’ trigger.

Plus, my father was MI, didn’t show me love, and died when I was young. And my mother did the ‘loving, but not’ thing to me and my sisters all our lives. So, it’s been a theme.
So, that’s my trigger and it’s a doozy.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by raging vortex

I hate that I have so many triggers

I hate that when people are around me, they have to be super careful with how they interact with me (and what they do, and don't say)

really limits my experiences sometimes, and scares others off a lot easier than say if I only had a few

I hope you have some people in your life who love you and don’t scare off so easily. Does it help you to identify your triggers and are you able to avoid some of them?

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

The recent part is I am now smart enough to shut up and walk away. But my mood drops and I go an pout by myself like a child. At least a med stopped the crying hysterically like I had before. But the same feelings are there and the mood is affected.

I don’t have many triggers. I have identified what they are. It is that my husband is emotionally and sexually neglectful. This has been happening the whole marriage, over 25 years. I have been trying to teach him to act like he has some passion and empathy. He’s trying, but it’s ridiculously awkward. I think anyone would have become triggered to hysteria and a mood disorder, like I have.

The theme of ‘loving people who are unloving’ continues. This is the trigger. It was only my husband before fairly recently.

But I see it was also a lifelong friend who is a friend no longer since she provoked me and then blew me off, even lying about me, spreading malicious gossip— some lifelong bff So, that was a ‘loving, but unloving’ person. Although, I never cried or angered over her, so she wasn’t quite a trigger. I did engage in that toxic dance with her for my whole life until two years ago when it ended.

Then my FOO turned on me, treating me cruelly over something completely stupid. My mother, one sister, niece (her daughter) slandered and vilified me behind my back without even giving me the opportunity to be part of the conversation. Something small happened that got blown up into something huge. Again, ‘loving, but not loving’. Instead of talking to me and putting something very minor to rest (that would have been love), it was a blow off. As a result, I tried to involve my other sister to help, and she turned on me. No words were exchanged except I asked for an apology for how rudely she blew me off and she refused saying she cares nothing for me. We haven’t spoken for two years. She went to my son’s wedding when WE didn’t because of how we were treated and she was the only family member who did besides our other son who was the best man who we gave our blessing.

Which brings me to our son... also two years ago, did a complete turn around from being the best, loving son where I thought we had a great relationship to completely blowing us off when he got married. We were treated with such dishonor we did not attend his wedding, and there’s really no relationship since, nearly a year later. I am convinced it was his wife who got him to drive us off. I am coping with the loss as though he has died. I am having a very hard time with this betrayal. I can’t imagine a worse knife to the heart than my own flesh and blood who I thought loved me, but didn’t at all.

So, that’s my trigger and it’s a doozy.

Oh, gosh, I am so sorry to hear about your son. A girlfriend or wife can certainly have that affect. My son had a girlfriend who made that happen. Now with his present girlfriend everything is back to normal. It is so unfortunate for you. So unfortunate. It doesn't mean he has no love for you. He is just being controlled by another...and he should not let that happen. You are his mother. I am so sorry for your loss. Hopefully he will come around. Or there will be some kind of bridge. But really this is already so traumatizing. My heart aches for you. (I knew my son was being controlled by the woman he was with but it did not hurt less because of that. Once when they were visiting I actually told them to leave...because she created such a toxic environment. My son seemed clueless!) Turns out she treated him very, very, very poorly in the end.


I am sorry if my other thread triggered you. I had a lot of pent up anger about my ex-friend and had to exorcise it. I do feel better. I think of it now as her mistake. I was spending a lot of time thinking about her but coming here and talking it out helped tremendously. I think now I can let it go.


Also recently I lost the person I thought was my closest sibling. (Not the oldest who remains my favorite...but the one I felt I had the most in common with.) Come to find out he doesn't want to have anything to do with me. Not for any reason, really. Just a kind of...apathy. Like I am not worth keeping up with. I suspect his wife, too, is in on this one. She never liked that I was close with this brother. I kind of knew I was always trying to curry his favor and got nothing back. NOTHING. No emotional involvement whatsoever. So now it is final. He is not interested. It doesn't upset me as much as my ex-friend...because I kind of suspected he was controlled by his wife.

Except no one in the family seems particularly interested in the fact I might become homeless in the near future. I am now trying to prepare for it if it happens. I will put my stuff in storage and live out of my truck. I think I can do this for the months of October and November. This would allow me to save some money...and keep looking for affordable housing.


I lived out of my car once for a few weeks when I was in my twenties. I also had friends to stay with. Not so much this time. But maybe they will let me park at my church. That would be helpful.


It is sad about your spouse's lack of affection after such a long marriage. Had that been my marriage...it would have been the same. But since my ex remarried I guess it was me. I guess he was just turned off to me. I did meet men after divorce who were what I would call normally passionate and who were physically attracted to me. I have no idea how my ex is in his new marriage. Maybe they are asexual together. In his 30's he became sort of a cold fish. He is kind of an irritable person. My son says he is the same...easily irritated...so it isn't like with remarriage he is riding on a rainbow of euphoria.


I really do feel for you...because it hurts so much. It makes you feel you are not desirable. I thought that. So it was a shock once out of the marriage to be again desired. As well I have a pretty normal libido. Even now, even older, if I met the right kind of man...I would not hesitate to be in a physical relationship. I have no lack of confidence sexually. I think I could be 80 years old and still enjoy sex! But when you are in a marriage where the spouse is emotionally unavailable...it causes so much doubt to arise. I really know how much it hurts. As well, it hurts to not be sexually satisfied. Which is something I accepted...until then I was divorced...and found that I was easily satisfied. Lost libido was found!


WHY? WHY? WHY? Why can't people be normally loving?

Actually earlier today I asked myself why I am always surrounded by idiots. That really means mostly my family. And this ex-friend. Why the hell was she even in my circle??????????????????

I don't have the answer. I have not gotten feedback that helps. Anyway, I get along really well with my son and oldest brother...so there is no problem there.

But the rest of my family...they cannot be a normal bunch. I think maybe this is your situation, too. You have to keep accommodating to all these situations that are bringing you nothing.


I used to yell. When I was married I would have those hysterical fits. Then everyone would be nice for two days. I would think but WHY DO I HAVE TO GET HYSTERICAL FOR THEM TO NOTICE MY NEEDS?

Yep

Take care.

[bpcyclist]

I am 56. Totally monogamous. Have had 11 serious gf's including one 15-yr wife and another 10-yr partner 2 kids. I am faithful and not a scammer.

That said, i have concluded that all relationships are extremely difficult. Most people wil not sacrifice much when challenges arise. Most people care overwhelmingly about their personal interest. Very few are in anything for the long haul. Very few.

We learn this due to our illnesses. At some point, I concluded that I would prefer to have noone in my life who mistreats me. As a wise man said, "i would rather have one good friend than a thousand relatives."

I am estranged from almost all family and "lifelong" friends. I have much more in common with a schizophrenic on Clozaril. They get me. Am I sad about the loss of those relationships? Only with my son. Other than that, I feel very proud that I do not permit others to mistreat me. Very proud. I will not be abused. I will not love and receive nothing back. I did it for too long.

I would urge you to take command of the situation and take action to protect you. You will never be in control of the feelings or actions of others.

Hugs and love!!

[Open Eyes]

Typically a woman tends to be more in tune with emotional needs than men in that they are designed to be the nurturers. This can make it frustrating when a male partner fails to understand your emotional needs.

While a woman enjoys a nice romantic movie a man typically gets bored calling these movies chic flicks. Men tend to be more drawn to action movies.

Women tend to fantasize about the men they watch in romantic movies. What they fail to recognize is that these men are just acting and are typically nothing like this IRL.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by DechanDawa

Oh, gosh, I am so sorry to hear about your son. A girlfriend or wife can certainly have that affect. My son had a girlfriend who made that happen. Now with his present girlfriend everything is back to normal. It is so unfortunate for you. So unfortunate. It doesn't mean he has no love for you. He is just being controlled by another...and he should not let that happen. You are his mother. I am so sorry for your loss. Hopefully he will come around. Or there will be some kind of bridge. But really this is already so traumatizing. My heart aches for you. (I knew my son was being controlled by the woman he was with but it did not hurt less because of that. Once when they were visiting I actually told them to leave...because she created such a toxic environment. My son seemed clueless!) Turns out she treated him very, very, very poorly in the end.


I am sorry if my other thread triggered you. I had a lot of pent up anger about my ex-friend and had to exorcise it. I do feel better. I think of it now as her mistake. I was spending a lot of time thinking about her but coming here and talking it out helped tremendously. I think now I can let it go.


Also recently I lost the person I thought was my closest sibling. (Not the oldest who remains my favorite...but the one I felt I had the most in common with.) Come to find out he doesn't want to have anything to do with me. Not for any reason, really. Just a kind of...apathy. Like I am not worth keeping up with. I suspect his wife, too, is in on this one. She never liked that I was close with this brother. I kind of knew I was always trying to curry his favor and got nothing back. NOTHING. No emotional involvement whatsoever. So now it is final. He is not interested. It doesn't upset me as much as my ex-friend...because I kind of suspected he was controlled by his wife.

Except no one in the family seems particularly interested in the fact I might become homeless in the near future. I am now trying to prepare for it if it happens. I will put my stuff in storage and live out of my truck. I think I can do this for the months of October and November. This would allow me to save some money...and keep looking for affordable housing.


I lived out of my car once for a few weeks when I was in my twenties. I also had friends to stay with. Not so much this time. But maybe they will let me park at my church. That would be helpful.


It is sad about your spouse's lack of affection after such a long marriage. Had that been my marriage...it would have been the same. But since my ex remarried I guess it was me. I guess he was just turned off to me. I did meet men after divorce who were what I would call normally passionate and who were physically attracted to me. I have no idea how my ex is in his new marriage. Maybe they are asexual together. In his 30's he became sort of a cold fish. He is kind of an irritable person. My son says he is the same...easily irritated...so it isn't like with remarriage he is riding on a rainbow of euphoria.


I really do feel for you...because it hurts so much. It makes you feel you are not desirable. I thought that. So it was a shock once out of the marriage to be again desired. As well I have a pretty normal libido. Even now, even older, if I met the right kind of man...I would not hesitate to be in a physical relationship. I have no lack of confidence sexually. I think I could be 80 years old and still enjoy sex! But when you are in a marriage where the spouse is emotionally unavailable...it causes so much doubt to arise. I really know how much it hurts. As well, it hurts to not be sexually satisfied. Which is something I accepted...until then I was divorced...and found that I was easily satisfied. Lost libido was found!


WHY? WHY? WHY? Why can't people be normally loving?

Actually earlier today I asked myself why I am always surrounded by idiots. That really means mostly my family. And this ex-friend. Why the hell was she even in my circle??????????????????

I don't have the answer. I have not gotten feedback that helps. Anyway, I get along really well with my son and oldest brother...so there is no problem there.

But the rest of my family...they cannot be a normal bunch. I think maybe this is your situation, too. You have to keep accommodating to all these situations that are bringing you nothing.


I used to yell. When I was married I would have those hysterical fits. Then everyone would be nice for two days. I would think but WHY DO I HAVE TO GET HYSTERICAL FOR THEM TO NOTICE MY NEEDS?

Yep

Take care.

My heart goes out to you in your unsure living situation! I admire your strength and independence so much and feel you will land on your feet and use your head. I’m sorry your family turned their backs on you.

“WHY DO I HAVE TO GET HYSTERICAL FOR THEM TO NOTICE MY NEEDS?”
^Exactly! I had to get hysterical and beyond to get my needs met.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by bpcyclist

I am 56. Totally monogamous. Have had 11 serious gf's including one 15-yr wife and another 10-yr partner 2 kids. I am faithful and not a scammer.

That said, i have concluded that all relationships are extremely difficult. Most people wil not sacrifice much when challenges arise. Most people care overwhelmingly about their personal interest. Very few are in anything for the long haul. Very few.

We learn this due to our illnesses. At some point, I concluded that I would prefer to have noone in my life who mistreats me. As a wise man said, "i would rather have one good friend than a thousand relatives."

I am estranged from almost all family and "lifelong" friends. I have much more in common with a schizophrenic on Clozaril. They get me. Am I sad about the loss of those relationships? Only with my son. Other than that, I feel very proud that I do not permit others to mistreat me. Very proud. I will not be abused. I will not love and receive nothing back. I did it for too long.

I would urge you to take command of the situation and take action to protect you. You will never be in control of the feelings or actions of others.

Hugs and love!!

I can tell from your posts you are such a nice guy. I am so sorry you have been abandoned by people close to you. I assume it is because they don’t understand you have an illness and don’t understand it. The pain of estrangement from a child is the worst.

I called my son today after being tired of waking with panic attacks over him every morning. I expressed how much I want to repair a genuine relationship with him. He’s very angry, still feeling he was completely right and we were completely wrong. But he agreed about the repair and said he would, we’ll see if he does. Baby steps, minimal expectations, fingers crossed.

I don’t need these strained relationships weighing on my mental health anymore. I do believe I can be strong and keep a healthy positive attitude and everything will be alright, if I tell myself it is. So that’s the plan.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Typically a woman tends to be more in tune with emotional needs than men in that they are designed to be the nurturers. This can make it frustrating when a male partner fails to understand your emotional needs.

While a woman enjoys a nice romantic movie a man typically gets bored calling these movies chic flicks. Men tend to be more drawn to action movies.

Women tend to fantasize about the men they watch in romantic movies. What they fail to recognize is that these men are just acting and are typically nothing like this IRL.

I wasn’t so typical. . I’ve had some wacky stuff in my head involving intimacy. I never talked much about it here ‘cause I’m embarrassed.

[guy1111]

It's a struggle to try and extend yourself for people who can't give back. It's like a slow drain on your life. It seems to come down to how much people are willing to sacrifice of their personal interests to help their family. The sad part is, if they would hust extend themselves they would find it very rewarding. The "loving, not loving" issue sounds to me like "shallow, not deep." I could be wrong.

Sorry you are putting so much energy into managing your triggers so you don't inconvenience your family. You are very strong!

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by guy1111

It's a struggle to try and extend yourself for people who can't give back. It's like a slow drain on your life. It seems to come down to how much people are willing to sacrifice of their personal interests to help their family. The sad part is, if they would hust extend themselves they would find it very rewarding. The "loving, not loving" issue sounds to me like "shallow, not deep." I could be wrong.

Sorry you are putting so much energy into managing your triggers so you don't inconvenience your family. You are very strong!

^Yes, and so they don’t all abandon me.

[TunedOut]

I hate my triggers too. My triggers are when something that happens today activates a past hurt. What is so confusing about it is that our past emotions can cloud what is currently going on. Though events can repeat they don't repeat exactly the same and we miss some of the nuances, have misunderstandings, don't see others situations as clearly when the past hurts too much.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by TunedOut

I hate my triggers too. My triggers are when something that happens today activates a past hurt. What is so confusing about it is that our past emotions can cloud what is currently going on. Though events can repeat they don't repeat exactly the same and we miss some of the nuances, have misunderstandings, don't see others situations as clearly when the past hurts too much.

It feels like the things we are most sensitive about are just the things that keep happening, different ways, but still the same wound being reopened.

[guy1111]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

^Yes, and so they don’t all abandon me.

Well, IF they did abandon you, that would be on them. If they abandon you, that is a reflection of them not you. If they abandon you, that doesn't mean you are alone or that you did something wrong.

You are doing your best to be a good person and not react when they trigger you. You know yourself well enough to identify your triggers and how it makes you feel and the fears of abandonment that it brings up.

You are very intelligent!