Shutting emotions down

I visited my friend in hospital today, she’s very unwell with multiple issues and because of age and frailty it’s not fixable. She’s getting palliative care.

I can’t feel anything, cognitively I’m aware it’s bad, and it’s sad, but I don’t feel it. She said another good friend was crying when she visited. I’ve got no tears. I just sat, we talked, I listened to what she needed to say. It feels like I should be crying and feeling sadness but I’m not.

In terms of not feeling emotions, is this a recent thing or is this normal for you?

I envy you. I feel everything so deeply - it’s like the volume on the world has been turned up to infinity. It’s draining and exhausting. It contributes massively to my anxiety, to my depressive state, and my specific health anxieties.

Hopefully your friend was pleased to see you. From your friend’s perspective, this might have been what she needed. For someone who is coming to the end of their life, they may not want to have people crying and breaking down in front of them, but rather being calm, supportive and normal.

Lift your head up girl. I am still here with you.

Thanks both of you.

@NovaBlaze in the past I’ve tended to feel things quite intensely but in recent years I’ve been less so, there’s been some things to cope with within my family and maybe it’s the knowledge that I have to hold steady I don’t know.

I hope my remaining calm did help my friend, I tried to make sure she was comfortable and had everything she needed. It was hard to see her like that, we used to both volunteer together in that very hospital and now she’s the one needing the care. I guess I was going through all this in my mind.

It sounds like your friend may have been declining for some time and that you've been aware of that. I base that on you describing her as aged and frail and having multiple issues. Finding her in the hospital would not then be a shocking scenario. I've visited people in hospital whom I loved very much and never broke down crying in front of them. Like you, I tended to see if there was anyway I could be helpful. I usually started by tyding up their room, or their side of the room. I'ld see if I could help them get more comfortable or if there was something special they'ld like to eat that I could go get. Also, I'ld show an interest in hearing about what the doctors had told them. I think, when you're focused on trying to make yourself useful in some practical way, it calms you down emotionally. I wouldn't recommend sitting and crying in front of your friend.

Tears come when they come. Lack of tears on a given day is no proof of anything. It doesn't mean you're cold-hearted or emotionally shut down. If you care enough to make visits, you're friend is lucky to know you. One of the best things you can do for any very ill person is to distract them from thinking about their illness. When I visit someone in the hospital, I'll sometimes bring popcorn and suggest we watch a movie together.

You're friend's situation may be sad. It sounds like she's dying. That doesn't mean your problems are insignificant compared to hers. It sounds like you are dealing with mental distress of your own. You count too. You may have losses of your own to grieve. We're all going to get sick and die. Sometimes living is the harder thing to cope with.

I wonder if your friend has experienced a lot of pain and if she's currently got adequate pain relief. If that's being addressed, then, perhaps, her needs are being appropriately managed. You may have felt somewhat reassured that she is getting the care she needs. There can be reasons to feel that weeping is not called for. It doesn't mean you don't care or that you are emotionally numb.

Thanks for your kind and thoughtful reply Rose

A few days ago I was watching a TV drama, it was about an unrelated issue to my dear friend but I found myself crying watching it. This has happened before with me, like I’m in a safe place away from everyone so I can just let go.

You’re right there was no shock with my friend, she’s been seriously ill several years now to some degree. In fact she’s come back from the brink on more than one occasion and surprised the Drs, but we dare not hope for that again.

Unfortunately I’ve been unable to visit my friend this week as I’ve been working. It’s Christmas Eve and I need to call on my folks this afternoon. I do need to get in to see her hopefully soon. It seems like her condition may mean a move to a nursing home, unfortunately palliative care isn’t available long term. I just hope she can afford somewhere nice.

In the U.S., it is possible to receive palliative care in a longterm care facility. I'm surprised that such would not be the case in the UK. I doubt that what's done in the UK with people at the end of life is hugely different from what we do with terminal patients, even though the "name" of the care make be termed differently. In the U.S., palliative care often means nothing more than easy access to opioids and benzo tranquilizers. The UK pioneered the liberal use of opioids in the care of the terminally ill. So your longterm care facilities may be doing palliative care, without using that term.

You're right to have concern over what kind of home your friend will wind up in. These longterm care facilities vary greatly in quality. In the U.S., to get into a great facility means you have to pay privately. That means you have to have a good bit of personal wealth. I'm sure your country has beautiful places for the wealthy, just as we do. Then there are the regular nursing homes that are all understaffed. I'll bet that's as true in your country, as it is in mine. Still, people get cared for in these places. Visitors can make a big impact on quality of care. A dying person is in no shape to advocate for herself. Family and friends can do that for them. It can make the difference between getting taken to the bathroom when one needs to go and not getting taken. If you are able to visit your friend, you can make a real difference.

I’ve done this myself shut off my emotions especially when times become really tough.

@Rose76 thanks. Yes I think it’s the case that palliative care beds are prioritised here as they are limited unfortunately, the ward was just a regular sized ward. I think (hope) if it’s imminent a bed would be given, but with my friend there’s no telling how long this will take.

The good news (I think) is that she didn’t go into a nursing care home, they sent her back to her assisted living facility flat, her care package has been increased. It seems like so far they are able to provide for her basic care needs there, along with home visits from specialist nurses. She’s as comfortable as possible there, and she’s got her home comforts there. I think the care workers are variable but the one who came when I visited yesterday was lovely.



Anyhow I’m processing it all and I dread the day she’s not hear anymore, but we’re not there yet. That’s the important thing.

Watching someone you care for reach the end of their life is just one of the worst things anyone can experience, I think. I can’t even begin to imagine what must be going through your friend’s mind, and what suffering they are experiencing, @Discombobulated.

It’s good that you have the compassion to visit and bring some care into their life. I would hope the palliative care will be there when needed.



Remember to take care of yourself through this experience too. These experiences do put life into perspective, and remind me how valuable life is, and how precious and short our time on this Earth is. Your friend is lucky to have you. I can’t imagine what it must be like where people are completely abandoned by friends and family at this time.