Shutting Down

Today T hit a huge, huge nerve. I just shut down. I'm guessing this is because of trauma, who knows. Does this happen t anyone else? T tried to reassure me over and over that he wasn't tring to hurt me, that it is important that we talk about this stuff. I just shut down completely. No talking, no looking at him. How you do re-engage after this? No idea. I see again later this week but I really don't want to do. I want to quit. Yes I know I'll never heal if I quit, but it seems so unfair to have to revisit all this again. I just don't want to deal with it. Any ideas? Thoughts?

I have had sessions like that, coconut.
There are times I just have no words. There are times I don't see any good in talking about something or talking about anything.
When I began therapy I idealized T and therapy and when the reality of T and the reality of therapy didn't match my idealized version, that could cause a shutdown. At those times, therapy feels foreign and unfamiliar because of the mismatch between the idealizing and the reality. How can one feel safe in that kind of an environment? They can't, so we just had to wait for it to pass. She accepted my silence, tried sometimes to pull me out of it and sometimes that did work because it grounded me. Other times it didn't work and it made me mad, not that I would say so...

How to re-engage? The issue now in the forefront is the shutting down and all the things around that need to be talked about. You identify this as a way of not talking about something in particular so that's something to talk about. Maybe it isn't the right time for you to talk about it. Maybe there's something associated with talking about it that's troubling, such as being more known to your T. Maybe you feel it is more than you want to 'give' to T at this time. Maybe you don't feel like 'giving' anything to T right now. Maybe you feel like withholding something very important from T for punishment or to feel some control, power.

I think we talk when we are ready and we can be encouraged, but if the encouragement feels like pressure, we resist and that's a reasonable response to pressure whether that pressure comes from within or without.

Coconut,

It sounds like you gave your t a pretty clear indication that you're not ready to "go there," and I think that's OK. Maybe you haven't developed enough trust yet to share it, or don't feel safe enough to let yourself be vulnerable by exposing your pain. It will happen when the time is right. Perhaps t made a mistake by pushing too hard. I would guess that they probably realize this now and will take it slower. I hope you go to your session. Just be honest and tell them you feel. You and t can find the right pace that will enable you to work through your issues without overwhelming you.

One thing I learned is that I can trust myself/body and shutting down is good! You don't have to "worry" that something bad will happen because you'll automatically shut down if it's too much for you. It's a reflexive action of sorts? Your eyes shut when someone throws something their way, you shut down psychologically when something is too much for you at the moment. It's not a bad thing, it will get less and less often as you begin to trust yourself and your T more and more.

What do you mean by "shutting down"?

For me, it is internal. That is, not only do I not talk, I can't even think. Does this happen to anyone else?

Perna, you said shutting down is good. In my original family, it was not, because one would get attacked for shutting down. There was no way out.

Wow, this sheds some light on the issues that you have been talking about.........

Coconut,
I have had those sessions too, where I just can't talk, and normally I'm the most talkative person in the world. It's like my talk button switches off. You can get back to it, but the T also need to honor when you're ready to discuss something, and if you just can't yet, then you can't. Some things can't be forced.

Best to you,
Kittykins9

Coconut, Yes shutting down is a thing that just happens on an unconsious level, its our minds braking system, nowt wrong with it, and therapy is like a waltz, one moment we come a step closer, then we waltz back, your get there.

I think this was because my mother would (at least some times) interpret my shutting down as a reflection on her (it was, but not intentionally) or an intolerable affront to her.

That makes sense. How does all this work out today for you?

It means I flash in and out of full contact. People (therapists included) seem to miss the significance of what is happening.

Have you tried to explain this to the therapist?

It is hard when you are not fully in contact -- not able to formulate it in your own mind, let alone tell it to someone else. What happens is that I fear retribution for trying to tell, which results in more mental disorder in an attempt not to feel that fear. And then people get upset with you when you cannot explain. Which, of course, makes the situation worse. Some don't listen. I know no one IRL who has enough of a similar experience (and has worked that out) so that it "rings any bells" with them at least consciously. People "react" without knowing that that is what they are doing.

I remember reading Freud discussing a long time ago the reaction to help-seekers of a "colleague" of his; this colleague said to the poor slobs that he would "fine them for taking up the time of the court". Freud was using this as an example of something guaranteed not to help.

Hi coconut

Yes. I have been there. Just yesterday actually. Every response I had was "I don't know". My T even said "Yes, YOU do" which usually un-shuts me, but not yesterday.

I usually deal with it by going in for another session. I *know* logically that if I get locked into avoidance that I will not heal. And I can get locked in. Paying for an extra session usually gets the ball rolling again...However, my heart aches to be done with the pain. And, yeah, I so want to quit.

Just know you are not alone.

~Searching

"I don't know" has been a very popular line for me but in all honestly, sometimes I just don't know why I am having certain feelings. My T once said something similiar, she said, I think you do. I didn't say anything...

Coconut, I know it stinks to shut down like that especially when you want to talk but your emotions overturn that. It will come in time, it's usually just a season you go through out of fear, often unconscious.


Hangingon

((coconut))

I think I have had every kind of moment in therapy. (Until something new happens!)

Shutting down is a protective mechanism; maybe you felt like T was intruding? I think that shutting down is probably the "freeze" response to trauma. We react in three ways, fight, flight, or freeze. I have had many sessions where T and I inadvertently recreated trauma situations from my childhood so it might be worth noticing if the interaction reminds you of anything. This is especially true if your trauma history is complex.

I would definitely try to discuss this with T. Be specific and tell T about the shutting down and how it made you feel. Take your time with this. From my experience, there is no need to quit, but there is a need to slow down the process a whole lot.

Take care, and good luck.

definately for me this is a protection thing - everthing stops - I cant think or answer and somtimes I lose my words completly - I think jmo that its a warning that im not yet ready to go there - try to talk about it - the shutting down - with your T

I SO agree with this. Recently, T and I were talking about a really specific thing that happened to me when I was little, and he asked me a specific question (where did she hit you) and I LIED (!!!) to make it sound less bad, because little me wanted it to not be as bad as it was. And I was trained VERY well to "NEVER tell" and it's really hard to push past that. So then I shut down completely. Just like you are talking about...

I did e-mail T and told him that I didn't tell the truth - and he e-mailed back and said that when we are ready to talk about things we talk about them, and when we are not ready, we don't, and it is OKAY. I felt so much better.

Maybe it's just not time, coconut. It will be. It doesn't have to be now.

But T said that it's very, very important that we talk about this on Thursday.

Coconut, what you're experiencing is really hard and I can relate. The wanting and needing to escape/run/zone out/dissipate/check out and how hard it is to explore that when it's so triggery.

But I love that T sees it happening and wants to explore it right now, as close to in the moment as possible, before the intensity fades. Right now is when you are the most aware of the experience.

T wants to take a look at it, maybe slow it down and see what prompted your shutting down reaction because right there is where the clue or the key is and it is rich with valuable information. T isn't judging you or attempting to put you on the spot, he is expertly seeing the gift you and he have been given in this difficult experience.

If you can, be open to exploring it next session. Yet you can also begin the session by telling him that while you want to explore this, it is very difficult and the reasons why. I often have to do this to get my shame and my self-judgement and my worries of her judging me out of the way so I can then relax into exploring with interest and curiosity and without judgement. Then I can be more open and therapy feels good, safe, and I experience T like a close mentor and the closeness feels good.

This kind of therapy is about looking right straight at things rather than about releiving symptoms because that is where the deep and long term relief will come from. As my T tells me, "Trust the process."

Most of the time, therapy feels like a life saving operation........terrifying but necessary........My poor past therapist spent 7 years trying to help me.......I had severe rage problems and used to storm around, tell her to 'f' off, get up and walk out in the middle of a session and leave mid sentence because I didn't want to talk about it. She would yell out "See you next week" every single time. A couple of times I would be escorted by 2 large nurses out of the building yelling obscenities......man, I behaved badly.

She saw me in hospital, fought with me all the time, cared about me.......I would not have survived without her. A shout out to the genuine healers out there.....

I second that!!!

I agree with Echoes, coconut.... talking about the shutting down IS really important.

If I am unable to talk about specific abuse stuff, T and I talk about not being able to talk about it - WHY am I shutting down? What am I scared of? What does it feel like? THOSE have been my most healing sessions, for sure. You can talk about the "here and now" and the feelings you are having in session, and it can be safe, even though it feels really scary.

I realized my last session that I have a tendency to shut down when things get to close. Last week I was babbling along feeling pretty good and out of no where I totally shut down and started to cry (which I struggled to keep contained) I couldn't talk or think I just hurt and wanted to get the hell out of her office. Afterwards I tried to think what triggered this response and I couldn't find it. I find this happens in therapy and when I try to journal. My whole mind just blanks out and I either tell myself this is silly or get me out of here I can't handle this. I do remember telling her I think I deserve it ( the abuse), how she got me back is a mystery. I am nervous about next week. I haven't been able to journal this week too busy and it is just too hard and scary to see how I really feel on paper. I guess it becomes too real. Thanks for being here and letting me get these little thoughts out.

((( coconut )))

Thinking of you.