Again :(

It is really hard for me to understand why after going through a hospitalization and then starting to feel really good, to start to decline. I am still mostly happy, but i am sad a lot still. I was diagnosed with Depression and anxiety about two years ago, but have dealt with it for about 8 years now. Why do I get to feel better and then just slide right back down when everything seems to start working out so well for me. I should be very happy right now, I just got accepted into Grad school, I am on the right track to the career I want, but then I get stuck again. I feel like I will never have control of my life fully, maybe never.
I really don't like talking about this with my counselor, especially after we have worked so hard and made a lot of progress, I guess from this long, probably scattered and confusing post, is my question.... Will I ever be good for longer than a few months? Will i have the ability to keep my feelings in check and my mind positive?? Or am I doomed to live in a depression the rest of my life with only short periods of happy times.

Hello sarahbarah!

I have also been hospitalized for my mental illness, so I know how you feel. For some reason I feel that if I reach out for help, that I am bothering that person or those people. But one thing you must realize is...Its your counselor's job to help you. If they didnt want to help you, then they wouldnt be a counselor. I know how it feels when you finally feel like everything is OK, and then something comes along and knocks you back down again. People like counselors, theropist, and pychiatrist are here to help us, and they wouldnt be doing what they are doing if they didnt enjoy helping us. Even though you and your councelor have come a long way, they are still your concelor and they should be happy to help you.

hi sarah, i believe a lot of us have been where you are now. the good news is that with continued therapy to get out out all the 'stuff" and perhaps some more med tweaks you will find that yes, you can have a better balanced and good life. it doesn't happen overnight. it takes time and feedback to your pdoc and therapist. otherwise how would they know that perhaps there are more things to do with your meds and with your therapy?
you mentioned not letting your therapist down. bear with me, by not telling your t how you are really feeling, are you not letting yourself down???? there's nothing to be gained by pretending about how u are feeling. a therapist needs this info to better guide you through whatever is "up there" that needs getting out. your pdoc needs to know because perhaps an adjustment to meds may play a role in more consistancy with how you feel.
hope this helps to give you another approach to problem solving your dilemma and know that i have been in your shoes...and it can get better!! ..also congrats on your admission to grad school!!!

Hi sarah, this may be just me, but I think I'm seeing a connection between a couple of things you wrote:
and:I'm wondering if you might possibly be making yourself depressed (or more depressed) without realizing it, just by struggling to be happy when you think you should be.

When I first noticed something of the sort going on with me, I started asking myself, "What does 'should' mean, anyway?" Surprisingly, I never managed to come up with a satisfactory answer.

My life has always been something like a roller coaster but I've noticed that the ride seems to get a lot rougher and the dips steeper if I'm trying to stop the train. Everything smooths out amazingly whenever I can just sit back and enjoy the ride. I'm happy when I'm happy, I'm depressed when I'm depressed, and (bonus!) if I'm willing to just be with either one without trying to change it, I get a much better shot at noticing what it might be about and (maybe even) what it might be trying to tell me.

You might not be ready right now to get what I'm saying or to try any part of it out but if you ever do, I'm wondering if it might work anything like that for you, too.

Good luck (just in case luck has anything to do with it)!
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Hi Sarah ,

I think your question is one that many, if not most of us, with mental health issues ask ourselves. I am certainly in that place right now.

I think it depends on the person, some of us are sicker than others. Some of us, even though we are very sick, will find the help we need that will make life livable. Some of us will try our very best and that will not happen. I think it's a very individual thing. Only you can answer the question: "Have I really tried my best at all my available options? Am I ready to say that life is not worth living even though there may be hope, a "cure" of some kind in the future, that makes my quality of life worth living?" I think these decisions can only be answered on an individual basis, and there is no one right answer for anyone.

wow, I feel like I could have written a lot of your post myself. Right now I'm on a bit of a roller coaster, where I can be guaranteed 4-5 good days, 2-3 bad days, 4-5 good days, etc... No matter how many times I come out of a funk, I am still convinced whenever I do hit a low that this is it, I'm going to be low FOREVER.

I didn't want to tell my counsellor that I was feeling low again after my meds kicked in and I'd been having a few really good weeks. I was afraid she'd be disappointed somehow, that maybe I just wasn't trying hard enough, that she'd be annoyed that all the progress she'd made with me had flown right out the window. But counsellors are actually more used to our ups and downs than you think, and mine is working with me now on managing my lows, postponing them when I feel them on, and finding new ways to haul myself back out into the light. I'm not sure, but I get the feeling that it's a little easier than the time before to get out of those funks, and I draw hope from that. I'm also more honest with my counsellor about how I'm feeling at any given time so that we can more accurately monitor my meds -- sometimes a low mood after a good stretch might just mean you need a bit of an adjustment to what you're taking now.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that no matter how many times you start going downhill, it's never going to be impossible for you to get back up. Maybe instead of looking at your life as "doomed to be depressed" you are simply going to have to spend some time managing your depression when it comes along. Try not to put any pressure on yourself to get better. Just keep trying to make it through the bad days by remembering it's not going to be a permanent state of being, and take full advantage of the good days when you have them. Maybe with time your good stretches will start outnumbering your bad ones.

I used to think everyone else was just naturally up all the time, and I was the only one who wasn't, and it was my job to struggle back up and under no circumstances ever to slide any farther down -- or it would become even harder to ever climb back up to "normal". Well, guess what:


I
HAS
SPOKEN! LOL